i'd never believe you

I'm having an extremely tough time. regarding the same thing as usual, of course ... other things in my life aren't giving me so much trouble right now. but ... it's hard to understand why on earth out of seven hundred males I can't attract a one. my standards aren't low, but I'd give pretty much anyone a chance. there are just no takers.

I feel fucking ugly.

oh fuck.

he didn't get the invitation?

he didn't get the invitation.

he didn't get the invitation ...

he didn't get the invitation!

ha HA.



so I suppose I have to stop taking it personally right ... now.

... ew.

I have just been sexiled.

I don't know whether this is funny or tragic. I suppose it's funny to anyone who wasn't a participant.

we have to use poster gum to mount things on the wall ... which is fine, except a) it has a tendancy to melt and b) it simply doesn't hold very well. I've mounted a lot of artwork, very little of which is matted, and the only remotely heavy things up there are three matted five by seven photos. not very heavy at all, but they've been slipping, slowly. one is above my head, one is above my desk, and the only is above my feet. well, at around three thirty in the morning, I was rudely awakened by what felt like I was being knocked in the face by somebody's fist. the framed photo had fallen and hit me. I just got up to brush my teeth, and I've got a nice little bruise and cut, and an empty spot in the collection of my artwork to boot.

what's the cure for loneliness, for homesickness, for a generally crappy attitude?

I'm not quite sure what to do.

okay, so he doesn't.
which is good, because I love him.

I want him to be my boyfriend ...

he hates me. lovely.

I know, I know. I have to stop. soon.
but not yet.

boy update:

so. this weekend.

I went to a party for my father friday night and came back early saturday morning. jansen's best friend, malcolm, who lives across the hall from him and was the one that told me that jansen had been saying good things about me invited me to mower, their dorm (twice!). I took it as an opportunity to go and casually "see" le boy, as I didn't want to seem to eager/frightening. that evening, my friends all had a concert, and hana had given me her ticket, so I went and afterward planned on taking my trip across the yard. I watched, clapped for hana and roberto and nina, came back to the dorm with them and did a happy dance, and finally decided to cash in on my invite. I go into their entryway and knock on malcolm's door (across the hall from j's room) and someone opens it. the room was dark, and I ... being extremely clever ... could not figure out what was going on and merely asked "is malcolm here?" while poking my head in. much to my joy, the whole of the entryway was there ... a solid fifteen people, silently watching a movie, all of whom turned to look at me as I realized what was going on.

embarrassed? oh yes.

I was flustered, so I tried to play it off and just wave at malcolm before rolling out. even worse, I saw jansen sitting right near me. BUT because I wasn't prepared, I couldn't really say/do anything, and I just tried to escape as quickly as possible.

CUT TO: next morning.

so I ended the night feeliing like an ass, like I had squandered an opportunity and jansen must SURELY hate me now (extremism? yes. but I'm an actor, I can't help it). I went to breakfast early, before brunch and before anyone arrived in the dining hall. I had reading to do in order to finish an assignment before eight in the evening, and because it was cold and snowing outside, I was in no rush to leave the dining hall before after I finished eating.

I usually can tell when he's around. I develop some kind of radar, and I can sense it, usually so I can prepare myself. but my barometer was off, and though I saw someone's back that I thought vaguely looked like him, I told myself that if it had been him I would've known. imagine my joy when I hear someone put down a tray in front of me and I looked up at it was jansen, smiling and turning off his ipod, not hating me (thank goodness). we began to talk.

the funny/weird malcolm part number the second: so I said that thursday (I think), when I saw jansen and he introduced me to malcolm, malcolm said that jansen had been saying good things about me. when this day, he came in during breakfast as the two of us were talking. malcolm walks over and apologizes for inviting me over when he had something going on, and I invite him to sit with us (as would be appropriate, yes?). malcolm shakes his head and says he's okay, and then sits one table over, less than five feet away. which leaves me wondering why he wouldn't just sit his ass down, because he proceeded to carry on a conversation with us for a few minutes. definately elicited a strange reaction from me.

CUT TO: that evening.

snow. snowball fight with my entryway. turns out I know more people in mower than just jansen and malcolm, but also jansen's roommate and another funny guy named nils. two friends and I decide to go over to mower and attack them with snowballs. we fight and run through the building and ambush, and it's fun, but jansen wasn't there ... which was okay, because I left him a note telling him that I stopped by.

finally, at dinner, the proof that malcolm either has no subtlety or no discretion. I went to dinner with my entryway, and jansen and malcolm come to dinner together along with some people that I don't know. they sit aways away, which is fine by me, because I don't want to be pushy pushy I'M IN YOUR FACE. but as we're leaving, we approach their table. malcolm walks by me to get his coat from the wall, and I said, "hello." he greets me ... and then. good lord.

he starts saying, "look who I'm sitting across from, rachel! look who I'm sitting across from!" and he begins to point at jansen as he goes back toward him, saying it over and over and getting louder and louder. "LOOK! LOOK WHO I'M SITTING ACROSS FROM!"

... jansen notices what malcolm's doing. I, of course, am probably quite red in the face, and I'd like nothing more than to throw my boot at him, but I can't since he's standing right above jansen, pointing. I'm told -- by observers -- that jansen and I wore the same look, and I believe it ... I was screaming "SHUT UP" with my eyes as best I could. finally, I wave at jansen to make malcolm shut up, and he waves at me ... and then I roll out as quickly as possible, and jansen jumps up and moves to the opposite end of the table before I walk by him.

very awkward, very frightening. I'm still contemplating throwing a chunk of ice at malcolm's face.

and so here I am, waiting.

and my apologies for that extremely silly update.

I am so sorry that I'm updating here and now. because I should be talking about things of substance.

but, ladies and gentlemen, I'm in love.

with jansen, yes.

I saw him again today. I walked into class and he told me that he emailed the head of the film studies department after we talked yesterday about his apprehension. they're going to meet, and he's going to try to find a course for next semester and a plan of action. I was thrilled for him, and I tried to keep it cool and actually left for a moment to get my grin under control. when I came back, we talked about french and about the way he writes and baldwin. we grinned and laughed and I felt a little better -- at least I wasn't an annoyance to him. saw him at lunch and said hey, but we didn't sit together.

I planned on staying in annenburg for the whole meal, and I brought a sketch book to work on my mother's christmas present, but I forgot the photographs I was using. I got up and sprinted from the dining hall back to my room (and we crossed paths, but I didn't realize it was him until I was long gone, and someone was watching my stuff, so I kept running), and when I returned to annenburg hall, I went straight into the dining room for some water because I was winded. when I turned around from the fountain, he was there, and he smiled and said, "so what's happening, rachel. do you live in this building?" and I laughed and winked and said, "I told you, I'm working on being sociable." and he chuckled and told me it was working. I had the stuff on a film screening he wants to go to with me, and I promised to find him once he sat, but it took me about a half hour because I was playing around at my table. eventually, he called me over, and I kneeled by him, and he introduced me to his friend malcolm. or, rather, malcolm introduced himself: "are you rachel?" I shook his hand and said, "rachel marie" and he nodded and told me that jansen had told him about me. I tried to play it cool, since I had no idea what that meant, and I said, "hmm. does that mean bad things?" and malcolm rolled his eyes and said, "if by bad you mean awesome, yeah."

jansen blushed. I blushed and moved on. I think we'll be going. together or not, I'm not sure, but he wants to go. and I know I'll be there. the end of the interaction is a blur, but all I know is that I shook malcolm's hand again and smiled at jansen and he said "bye," and I did too and then I left.

I came back to my room and fell on my bed and grinned in the light of my christmas tree and stared into the darkness ... and I hope he won't be finished with me now that I've told him about the one thing he wanted.