well after neglecting this for so long i come across an inspiration. and of course heather of course did too evidently, because i just saw she recently visited her journal after so long neglecting hers. everything has to happen at the same time but i suppose after 10 years of friendship, thats expected. too many things to do, things to say, and not enough hours in the day. when u are at the bottom of ur pit and cant seem to bear it, ur real friends show up, unexpectedly sometimes, and u realize what life is about. thank you darling.
Im here again. I cant seem to find words when i sit down to write so i figured id give it a shot here. argh, yeah, so ok. this present week seems to have a destructive dominoe effect. Once again he has waltzed back in, but with a new aroma, angry, violent. and i fall. torn between the two.... lies. and i fall. the other wont speak to me, he wont let me be. corruption. if only i had the strength to say no. NO! If only i had the strength to push him away. lift up my broken and bruised arms to push him aside, pull together my battered body and walk out the door. Right from the start say NO. now i am left with a broken and bruised heart. violated. And the other rests so far away, questioning and stirring, scheming. lies. New pact, new vow. New place. Its over. I have fallen too many times.
why do my entries sometimes get put on twice? It's rather annoying wouldn't you say? ooh ooh ooh... love this line: guess the song and get a prize: "you think i only think about you when we're both in the same room. im only here to witness the remains of loving you. you think we're here to play a game of who loves more than who?" random yes i know.
im bored, and im needing to be entertained. hence, i write in here. work flew by, have to input ALL of the finance account number and names into the computers, a project forever long. but time does go by, even though im not having fun. im chillin here drinkin some diet coke. just a day, one of those where nothin really goes right but nothin really goes wrong. i dont really have any emotion right now besides boredom... thats a first. yipee skippy... mmm skippy peanut butta. kind of like buttascooaatch. the thought process goes on and on but i wont torture you, (you, whoever it is that actually reads this thing.) hehe i fool myself sometimes. aight, im out
im bored, and im needing to be entertained. hence, i write in here. work flew by, have to input ALL of the finance account number and names into the computers, a project forever long. but time does go by, even though im not having fun. im chillin here drinkin some diet coke. just a day, one of those where nothin really goes right but nothin really goes wrong. i dont really have any emotion right now besides boredom... thats a first. yipee skippy... mmm skippy peanut butta. kind of like buttascooaatch. the thought process goes on and on but i wont torture you, (you, whoever it is that actually reads this thing.) hehe i fool myself sometimes. aight, im out
Slowly coping, slowly slowing down, slowly looking back, slowly crumbling. Confusing built up. Pondering: anger memories. It's too hard to say goodbye to yesterday. If we dare to see tomorrow I hope it's worth all the pain. I dont know where the road is going to lead, all I know is where we've been, and what we've been through. And Ill take with me the memories.
work today, just got home. im proud of myself. i handled a situation so well today, i wanted to be angry and lash out but i kept to myself and thought about good things, like how i am going to be in school sooooo soon and others will still be wasting away in this pathetic town. ucsd! i cant friggin belive it. goodbye
Today is one of my days off. Days of supposed relaxation turn into just another day of labor. I despise having a never ending to do list, but atleast I am kept occupied. Pure bliss:accomplishing what I say I will. Indeed. College and actually making something out of this townie existence. It never crossed my mind though that I wouldn't go, just when was the question. Procrastination no longer, motivation and want is stronger. Change of plans I never thought, but i now know my purpose. Its so far away, but where i suppose i always wanted to end up, but i wont allow myself to indulge in this until i improve me, till i feel i deserve such a change. i have time, something i always denied. a coupleyears there, a couple years elsewhere, i can go anywhere, wherever my happiness takes me. free spirit, always taking into consideration others critisism, but never taking it as law, for i know the true essence within, always have, but sometimes im too blinded by being held back. i will no longer be held back, take in the negative and the positive, and sort through the true meaning. is it possible to really wander off to a place where no one will know where i am except for those who i tell? wander off to a place where no one knows where i came from or how i got there? learning all over again, the ways of living, friendship and love, like the first day of kindergarten. having to discover someones being down to their soul, starting from scratch. break free from the comfort zone, take a huge chance, and put myself out into this indescribable world. so much coming at me, so much to look forward to.
well im online, and i want to write, so i figured id just type it here. i never write in this hardly, i dont know why i even have it really. i just heard something rather disturbing and im sitting here, im not sad, but im not happy, i guess im not really all that nostalgic either, but it's the first thing i saw for an emotion. I'm not really feeling like getting into detail or anything so I just picked something random. So I'm thinking and emotions are running through my body, and im not quite sure how to feel, i just wonder sometimes why i worry about such trivial shit when there is so much more out there, so much worse, so much better. I feel selfish sometimes for being upset about anything that goes on in my life, when in fact i have it pretty damn good. i mean im enrolled in a great expensive school, i have a good job with good pay, i have a car, i have nice clothes and shoes, i get my hair done, etc etc etc, and here i am worrying about my life and my trivial problems. it just bothers me i guess, i mean here i am saying i wish i didnt worry so much, but im worrying about worrying too much. does that make sense? i know my time isnt now, i know this isnt the highlight of my life, but im not going to sit around waiting and saying someday anymore. i promise of now to live each day and do whats right for me, any other way would just be nonsense. not that its even possible to live each day as if it were the last, as much as we'd all like to do, but all i want is to appreciate each day, and be the person i want to be, so far im doing ok, but there is always room for improvement, ok i cant really say much more considering i have no idea who even reads this, so i will go write in my journal.
bored
tired
productive
nostalgic