Behind the Stacks

This past month has flown by, and at the same time, dragged its heels.

While it has been wonderful having my slayer back, giving my life purpose again, it has also meant spending less time with my darling Willow.

Who would have thought that a man of my age would have to sneak around with his girlfriend? Yet that's what it feels like I am doing. For the sake of all involved, we can't let it be known that we are seeing each other. The fact that Willow is living with my slayer makes it all the more difficult to keep our relationship secret.

I suspect that Buffy has begun to suspect that Willow is seeing someone, if not me. She must notice how whenever I don't need her for slaying purposes, Willow isn't available to go to the Bronze.

I look up from my book to see Willow quickly look back to her computer screen. I smile to myself at having caught her looking at me. Quickly I look around at the others to make sure that they didn't notice as well, but they are all in their own worlds.

I couldn't believe how wonderful working for Giles has been, it makes it easier for the two of us to be together. It still doesn't change how much I want to tell Buffy about why I am so happy, but no matter what I won't risk the man I love losing everything because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. Since she comes home tomorrow I know that things will be harder so I am making the most of the time I have with Giles now. Like tonight, instead of being at the library working on whatever we have to research, we are spending time at his apartment.

He made us a small dinner, nothing major and after about twenty minutes of pleading he let me make his tea for him. I had been watching him the last few weeks, making his own tea and I think I had it down. I wouldn't know of course until he tried it and he either choked it down for fear of hurting my feelings or his face lit up as he was pleased by how good it tasted. Don't get me wrong this is no different than most nights with us, he makes dinner while I read, or we both make dinner or shock of all shocks the gentleman in him steps aside and lets me do something for him and I make dinner, but tonight it just seems so different. I was thrilled that dinner went off without a hitch and even loved the tea I made him, I don't forsee having to beg him anymore to make it for him.

Once everything was put away and we finally got a chance to relax I curled up in his arms on the couch. I didn't know what else he wanted to do, didn't know if he wanted to do his usual freak out about the changes that Buffy's return will bring, just relax, or make out. Not that we didn't have time to do all three, but I hoped to skip the first round and go to he second and third. "So what do you want to do now?" I asked "Joyce isn't expecting me back at the house till late..." I add hoping he would relax some.

They say that time moves more quickly when you are having fun. I find myself agreeing with this sentiment wholeheartedly. These last few days since allowing myself to feel for Willow, and admitting those feelings to her, have passed far too quickly. I wish that I could freeze those days to better preserve them in my memory.

If it weren't for appearances' sake, we would have spent all of our time in my apartment. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, we had to make an appearance in the library for at least a few hours each day. The day that Xander decided he hadn't been spending enough time with his "best bud" had been tortuous. I found myself wanting to rip his arms off each time he casually flung one around Willow's shoulders. I was barely able to keep myself in check. I found that keeping my feelings hidden while in public much more difficult than I'd imagined.

But then we would leave and Willow would come home with me. We spent hours sitting on the couch - talking, reading, listening to music, and kissing. Kisses of such innocence and passion! Those times as well were beginning to be stressful, as I was not used to having to restrain my passion.

Now though... now Willow was sitting curled up against my side, a novel open on her lap, a demonology text on mine. She looked up at me when my hand unconsciously began to slide through her silky hair.

"What?" I asked.

I couldn't believe how this day turned out. First it was sad, and I was worried that Giles would avoid me for eternity, then he was kissing me and holding me in his arms. I have to say I like the second half much better!

I have never been a great liar. I act as if I am high on some kind of drug and I am all spazzy and it just isn't pretty, so I am a bit worried about how this is going to work. I mean it isn't like I am dating someone I go to school with..well I am, but he isn't my age and he works for the school, which makes what we have even more wrong. I still can't help but wonder, if it is so wrong, then why does it feel so right? I just don't understand why society as a whole has to judge someone for who the love, or even tell them who they can't love. To me, when Giles puts his arms around me, and his lips press against mine, it just feels so perfect and right. No matter if I agree with it, or if I believe its right for someone to define who you can't love and who is appropriate for you to love, it is the law which means, I can't tell anyone.

I have to admit, when Buffy comes home next week it will make things harder. She will be in the library a lot and I will be living with her and one can only researchso much before it looks suspicious...right? Ok so who would really be suspicious of Giles and I? I really can't keep doing this, I keep sending my emotions around in circles only making me more of a spaz than I already am.

What I should focus on is the fact that Giles is taking me to his house, where we will be alone and somehow I don’t think much research will be getting done. Is it wrong that I am a bit excited about this and disappointed at the same time? I guess we will have to find a happy middle, a place where we will get some research done and have some time of our own at the same time.

I know I am probably getting ahead of myself, but I don’t care. I want to be happy and excited about this, while I still can that is. When Buffy gets home and Joyce starts spending more time at the house again I won’t be able to spend so much time with Giles without thinking of a new excuse each time, Joyce still doesn’t know that he is more than a librarian, so I can’t even say I am spending time with him without her wondering. I will make it work though, I have to!

Months have passed and you would think that things would be boring and normal, but not so much. My parents moved out of Sunnydale, insisting they had better jobs waiting on the other side of the earth, and Buffy was in Los Angeles with her dad, so that left Xander, Cordelia, Giles and I here in Sunnydale to bury the Master, and fight what little evil there was. I honestly planned on this summer being the busiest I had, but as stated above, the most exciting thing to happen was burying the Master. I have to admit though, it was fun. Giles chanted in some other language, and we got to wear robes, but other than that no demons to speak of.

What I didn't count on was what happened after that. Xander was doing..well who knows what he was doing, so I had a lot of time alone with Giles in the library researching the possible threat in town. One day, as we were researching something went all wonky. It was actually subtle, I was pouring through a book on magicks and Giles walked up beside me, his hand gently brushing mine when he went to reach for another book. At first, when my body warmed to his touch, I thought I was losing my mind, but then it happened again, but this time he was trying to get my attention, a simple touch on my shoulder and all the air in the room was gone and my breath was quickening.

I don't know why his touch seemed to do this to me. He was my mentor, and so much wiser than I was, but everytime he touched me something flowed through me I started to get hot and I couldn't sit still. This went on for weeks of course, I wasn't about to tell him what I was feeling, that is until he actually caught a glimpse of something I was writing. He of course thought I was making notes on the research I was supposed to be doing, but no, I was doodling our names together. I could see the panic in his eyes, probably the fear that I was planning his and my wedding as I sat there, but he didn't dare chastise me for my doodles. Instead he went into his office and shut the door sitting silently at his desk for the longest time.

After about an hour I started to worry, so I knocked on his door. Reluctantly he motioned for me to come in and then proceeded to attempt to "let me down easily." I know he only meant well, that he cared about my well being, but part of me just wanted to shake him. I could see that he didn't want to say the things he was, but because of the way society looked down on younger women dating, or loving older men he couldn't see caring about me. I wasn't going to push, let him believe what he wants, I just let him have his way. Honestly it was for the better, I wouldn't have to explain to Buffy, Xander and well anyone else if they caught me with him.

A couple more weeks passed, he would cast glances in my direction and I would in his, but neither of us would say anything. It was one late night researching and I reached for a book on the table next to him and our hands once again brushed against each other, I don't remember much after that its all a blur. The next thing I remember is I am sitting in his lap and our lips are pressed firmly against each others in a deep and passionate kiss. I found myself melting into his arms, his touch lighting me on fire. That was the only kiss we had shared, mostly because of the embarassment that Giles felt.

A week or so more went by, he would avoid me unless he needed to ask something and I would avoid him...or rather we would be in the same area of the room and not even speak. I couldn't take it anymore. I cornered him in his office, took a deep breath and let it all out. Or rather I just asked the one question that has been bothering me for the last couple weeks. "Giles, how can you kiss me like that then run away and not talk about it? Why do you keep pushing me away?"