g a r b a g e b l o g

Get real.

tumblr glitched while loading this, so instead of "dude get real" being the punchline, it was like this cat put on glasses for the first time and their friend was just. a legit dog. and not like them at all.

This is killing me

the green color is not chlorophyll. they cannot usually photosynthesize. but sometimes they can

my cousin lorbish can photosynthesize

lorbish can photosynthesize

"Ok, ma'am that'll be $226.03."

I take my wallet out of my pocket and unfold it. It is empty other than a single moth that lazily flies out. The moth lands on the tap point of the card reader. There's a beat, and my payment is processed. The moth flies back into my wallet and I put it back in my pocket.

I asked my kids if they’d prefer a secret garden or a secret library and my son shook his head and was like “I don’t trust the secret gardeners and librarians”

Me: what if there aren’t any gardeners or librarians.

Son: there’s always a librarian. Just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they aren’t there. And it’s a garden, there has to be someone taking care of it or it isn’t really a garden.

Me:

Me: this was supposed to be lighthearted

Daughter: don’t trust the secret librarian.

Son: any librarian who hoards a library to themselves is hiding something.

Daughter: /nods seriously/

Me: why are you two talking as if from experience should I be concerned

The kids are right Jazz

Your hoarder grandfather dies and you gotta clean out his hoarder house but unfortunately he was a powerful wizard so you gotta clean out twelve tower floors of floor-to-ceiling cursed artefacts and expired mystery potions.

There's a rat infestation and you genuinely can't tell if they're natural rats or not.

He's got some really nice magical cupboards that lead to huge extradimensional spaces but those spaces are also crammed full of random bullshit.

You find like twelve magical ancestral swords in there. You're pretty sure that your family has a magical ancestral sword but you have no idea if it's any of these ones. You'll have to ask your mum but she refused to come to the tower so you're gonna have to lug all twelve of them across the country to her idyllic little village to find out.

#I'm cleaning out two separate 5th generation hordes and this is unironically what it's like#what do you mean we have looted artifacts from the Edwardian era put those back they're probably cursed#Oh look some more illegal ivory is it human bone again? no just baby elephant#phew

Imagining you calling up people trying to figure out what you're even supposed to do with various kinds of multiple-generation-old illegally acquired artefacts

aquarium advertisments say stuiff like discover the longtooth grouper this friday

I see that, and raise you my local aquarium's advertising.

Vancouver Aquarium has similar ads!

They also have some SERIOUSLY inventive ones:

(High and Low Tide ^)

the only type of advertising that should exist: "ooooohhhh you want to come look at the animal"

Latin America media needs to write USAmerican characters the way latinos r written in their media

meu Deus! os cheeseburgers mágicos da grandma estão voando! que miracle!!

I feel like any aliens that were prey at some point in evolution would have an odd fear of humans. Mostly cause they look like predators, act a bit like predators, and ARE predators. One perfect example is when we're focused on something like a mosquito that's been bugging us for a long time and we are just done.

Alien: "What. What..?"

Human: *HUNTING down a mosquito it saw*

Alien: ".... yeah I am really uncomfortable...."

Human: *quiet footsteps, pupils dialated, intense focus,*

Alien: *WAR FLASHBACKS*

Human: "Found you." *absolutely desimates the mosquito, squashing it into a million pieces as it's guts and various body parts liquidize into blood of the bloodthirsty, now stained on the palm of the human. A living being now reduced to a useless corpse as the human wipes the remains on their pants*

Alien: "I feel like I've just gained trauma."

okay fucking fun addition to this post. Hunting instincts in humans absolutely still exist and are usually triggered either by fascination or anger. The polar opposite of flight is pursue. An anecdote for this is that the other day my sister, who is an avid "take the bug outside in a cup" rescues kittens in her free time kinda person, looked out the window and saw a chicken in the middle of our driveway. which is a very unusual occurrence despite us living in the country.

All she had to do was say the words "there's a chicken" and her as well as my own body language immediately shifted. We were out the door and in the yard already sorta hunched over and walking on the balls of our feet, fucking flanking this chicken. No words were exchanged. We just slowly circled this chicken like a couple of rabid dogs. totally single-mindedly focused on capturing the prey.

The chicken could feel it, it immediately began counter maneuvers to avoid us and it was faster. But there were two of us and we knew the land better, we knew how to herd it into a corner, carefully watching it's body language and lurching to counter it's escape attempts. And it was fucking thrilling.

Of course, when we both closed in on it and finally got our hands on the poor thing we simply took it into the back patio away from the cats and the vultures that wanted to actually finish the job. No harm came to the bird. We located its owner and returned him to his flock but still. From an outside perspective, it was a bit unnerving. And for the chicken, it was no different than being hunted. He was just lucky enough that we were predators who appreciated the companionship of pets and were more concerned with returning him to his humans than eating him.

Now imagine any fucking alien species watching a pair of humans, who literally rehabilitate animals in their free time, who are not soldiers and seem to be totally domesticated, just absolutely flip a switch and turn into pack-hunting pursuit predators? On a single word.

(felt like the bulldog from Rio's bird chasing monologue hit a little too hard after this)

I would even argue that humans need to do this, so much so that we’ve invented a million and one ways to satisfy this instinct.

Photography.

Ball games.

I Spy.

Playing hunting games with the fellow predators we keep as pets.

Hide and seek.

Many hobbies that involve prolonged seeking behaviour or watching something to make sure it’s moving right.

I 100% feel myself slipping into “hunt mode” doing jigsaw puzzles, changed movement and all—same as when I’m out birding—and my mental health seems to get better afterwards.

That laser focus you get when your pet has a limp. The "why are you limping/are you limping?" look. I get the feeling that between that, and watching us play video games, that predatory instinct would be very visible. Not only that, we teach other animals to hunt with us. And one is a prey animal. Dogs we teach to hunt with us. But we also teach horses to hunt. Specifically, cattle horses. If you have never seen a cattle horse work when it is cutting a cow from the herd, you should. That is peak predator behavior. Watch a pack of wolves separating a caribou from the herd, then watch a cutting horse work. Certain motions are exactly the same, but very eerie on a herd animal. We are such consummate predators that we have mastered the art of training a herd animal to behave like a part of a pack of predators. I say this as someone who has worked with cutting horses, has trained horses (not to cut, but to jump and do dressage), and lives in an area where cattle is a big industry. As predators, we are terrifying.

#a group of three or more juvenile humans will spontaneously reinvent 'tag' if there's space to run even if they don't share a language.

man sometimes friendship really is just "I saw this and knew it would give you psychic damage. please respond with agony" and then they do. and it's great

Hit romcom classic The Fly (1985) has just had a sequel announced, Pretty Fly (For A White Guy).

Tagline: Be Very Very Afraid. Be Very Very Very Afraid

Jennifer Lauren’s will play the Pretty Fly

Phil Facey

will play the White Guy

Proof sequels don’t work

Nature is healing

honestly one of my favorite things about fanfic is when you can see the canon influences come out in really subtle ways. like a canon line thats mentioned once as a throwaway is suddenly the entire premise for a fic or it influences the characterization or something. its just so cool to see how people weave their ideas around a source material, especially if its not a detail i'd thought about before

ERASER@YepWn

Everyones allways like "Go, My Scarab" and throws me at a guy but no ones ever like "Come Here My Scarab" and gives me a hug, know what I mean?

i'm gonna be honest i'd feel a lot safer about my "community" if it didn't have a bunch of weird ass stalkers in it. that's really taking precedence over the girls with weird kinks, by a pretty astronomical margin actually

"omg she likes unethical roleplay" okay well u stalk people

when the guitar solo starts touching your clit

Lets work on healthy habits like not saying this

lets work on healthy habits like minding your own damn business