illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

Please get me out of this!

What the hell is wrong with me! We've been going to the hospital every day, sometimes twice a day. Although he doesn't go in, he just sleeps in the car, so today I told him I wasn't going if he wasn't that it is his father, and he should be in there (seemed like something I should say). He took off at like 50 miles an hour,around the back of the hospital, hit me in the side of the face, then he got out of the car, came around to my side, drug me out by my arm, and kicked me. He left. There I was, a cut lip, and bruised up arm,laying on the side of the access road down behind the hospital. I should have called the cops,but instead I called a cab and the more I thought about it, I realized, he has to be in pain and it was wrong for me to try to force him to go. I should be more aware of his feelings.

I am just so exhausted. Every night I have been helping him on his paper route, and then working all day, because his mom has been at the hospital so I have been covering her spot. That means I get there at 6 am, and open the store. I have to set up the days newspapers, butter 2 dozen hard rolls, and 1 dozen bagels, and then do a dozen bagels with cream cheese. Then I have to make all the lunch orders that get called in, and on and on. So I am shot.I don't even know how I am awake right now to do this, that is why I have been missing days.

His father is doing better, he is still in ICU. He still has the respirator, but the doctors say he should be in a regular room in about a week. I have to sleep, I have to be up in an hour to help him on his job.

  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

Days later.

Ok, sorry I took so long, but we've been at the hospital and without heat. So he and I were on the third floor of the house(his floor) watching TV. I heard what gave the same sound as his weight set falling to the flore. It made the fish bowl jump, and water splashed out. Then we heard his mother screaming! As we ran down the 2 flights of stairs the air grew thick with white smoke. We rounded the corner to the family room when we caught a glimpse of his dad on the floor, his face was completely black except for his eyes. His mom was clean as a whistle. She startd a fire that evening, as it has been cold at night. Apparently, we're not sure yet, there are water pipes running through the fire place, and that was how they heated the house when it was originally built. We don't know how yet, but one of the water pipes blew open, the whole front of the house is gone. We know most of the volunteer firemen and they nailed plywood up to keep out the animals. We just got the heat back on. So they don't know if his dad will make it. He has a collapsed lung(part of the mantle hit him). And he is pretty old. The doctors are a bit worried. He is in a coma right now, but they are confident that will pass. You could not imageine the force of this thing. A piece of the fire screen is embedded in the wall. All of the concrete and tile around the fireplace is in the front yard. The fire inspector said it was equivalent to 4 sticks of dynamite. It is so unbelievable that that was not his mom. Every night she sits on the couch directly in front of it, but tonight she sat at the table, behind the wall, completely out of site of the fire place. It's really weird, or she did it on purpose. I mean she does hate him. Maybe somehow she set it up. I better stop it is not right to talk like that.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

The house blew up, well part of it!

Holy Shit!!! I don't have time to go into the whole thing now, but the downstairs of his mom's house exploded, and the dog died(separately)! His dad is in the hospital, and they don't think he'll make it. I will give you the whole story tommorrow.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained
illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

Forget it!

I have LOST MY MIND!

What was I thinking, I can't help him!  I bought him a t-shirt today. "Just because", and he gave me a crappy attitude.  "what is this?  I won't wear this!".  OH I am sooo sorry you thoughtless, selfish, son of a bitch!  I can not believe him.  I thought, a little nurturing, some nice surprises, and he will see that love does not mean hurt.  I was wrong I guess.  So again now I have to help him with his job!  I wish I could get a job where I can have free help all day!

 

If I sound a little nasty, it is because I am a bit hurt by his reaction.  I'll get over it.

  • Current Mood
    aggravated aggravated
illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

Very interesting...

He's Just getting very annoying...

Am I really supposed to put up with this crap?  I tried to discuss his hitting me yesterday, and he said He would not do it anymore.  Then while crying started telling me about his father.  The frail little man apparently used to be quite large.  According to my boyfriend if he heard anyone(kids) walking around upstairs after bed time he would come up and beat the crap out of them.  Not just your typical beating either, it was bad enough that my boyfriend would lay in bed and wet his pants at 10 years old, just to avoid upsetting his father.  One day he got up, and locked the door when he heard his father coming.  His father went to the basement, came back with an axe, and "opened the door" himself.  From then on there was no door to his bedroom. 

So as he is telling me this, and he is teary eyed, I can't help but understand why he hit me.  It was obvious that was all he knew.  I decided I will not hold this against him, rather I will try to fix him, by showing extra love and attention.  I will buy him little gifts "just because", and I will treat him the way his father never did.  Makes sense right?

So here I go, off to fix his world!

 

 

  • Current Mood
    optimistic optimistic
illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

He did it again!

Who knows why we do the things we do...Is it really for love, or is it to BE loved?

So, I helped him with his job today, and it SUCKED!!!!

I got a nap in at 11 pm, then he woke me up at 12:30, "Time to go sweetheart"(that's what he has been calling me for the last 4 months, he never uses my name.  I started calling him the same about a month ago, just because he does...weird.).  So I of course protested, because I was tired, I worked yesterday, and I have to be at work at 9 am.  He just got an attitude, so I got up and off we went.  It was cold, and dark, and my eyes wouldn't stay oen.  He gave me half the newspapers, about 150, and told me where to go.  I did my best, but I guess I missed about 5 houses, cuz by 9 am, when I was at work, he came in ranting that he had to go back out.  Boy was he pissed   Never mind the fact that I did him a favor, and it was my first time out, so I got 145, that obviously didn't matter.  Nor did the fact that I had to pull over 15 times, just because I couldn't keep my eyes open and I was afraid I would crash.  So when I said I wouldn't help him anymore he flipped out.  Started screaming at me, calling me a c--t!  This NOT used to.  Never did I date someone with so little respect for me.  Sure the guys I went out with were pot-heads, and mostly job-less, but they were nice to me, took me out, and APPRECIATED when I did something for them! 

 

After work I went home(his house), he was sound asleep.  I woke him up, I was crying and screaming at him.  I did HIM a favor, how dare he treat me like this...Blah,Blah,Blah.  He hit me again.  Just a slap, but twice as hard as last time.  I couldn't believe it.  I was sooo tired, and angry, and now scared.  Right away I screamed "you promised you wouldn't do that again", his response was that I should not piss him off.  I curled up on the bed and cried.  I couldn't stop my brain...what was I doing here, why was he so mean to me, wasn't I good enough...and on and on. 

 Later he came over and held me.  Said he was sorry, that he was half asleep and not thinking.  Said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he couldn't lose me.  He begged me to forgive him, so I did.  Then we had bad sex.      

  • Current Mood
    confused confused
illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

Is he a nut or what????(OOH that rhymes)

YUK! More bad sex this morning when he got in from work! So, he wants me to help him with his job 2 or 3 days a week. But I have a job at 9 in the morning. I told him no and he got a bit upset, then changed his attitude and started begging, said we would have more time together. He’s right, so I guess I will give it a try. I just have to get up at 1 AM. We'll go get the newspapers with 2 of his cars, and he will split them. That’s like 150 papers each. I hope I remember where to go. I’ve gone with him a few times, usually I fall asleep half way through and he doesn’t like that either. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to it.

So we went to get ice cream today at the “beach C-” (soft serve). We got 2 banana splits, and he didn’t want to eat in public (says he's uncomfortable), so we asked for them to go. The girl forgot, and couldn’t change the containers, so we had 2 “open” banana splits in a little cardboard box she gave us. Plus we were about 10 minutes from home. I didn’t see how we would make it without them melting. Naturally he was speeding, about 70 in a 55, and naturally there was a radar trap, and NATURALLY we were in his red sports car….So, yes, Naturally we got pulled over! To me no big deal, I knew the Judge in that town. But we got home, after he screamed at me the whole way, Apparently it was my fault because I didn’t tell the girl “to go” early enough . We pull into the driveway; all of the ice-cream is soup in that cardboard box, and leaking all over my lap. He gets out screaming, I couldn’t even understand half of what he said. But in his driveway, for whatever reason was an old toilet. (I think his mom had it replaced and didn’t know what to do with it, so it was just sitting there) He grabs the toilet and hurls it across the driveway. Of course it smashed into many, many little pieces all over. Without knowing what happened his mom came out, saying “what’s wrong”, “what happened”…”baby are you okay?” Baby! Was she serious, he just demolished her toilet and she was calling him baby! My mother would have flipped out! He told her about the ticket, and she says not to worry she’ll pay it for him, and talk to one of the cops she knows from the convenience store. So he goes in gets ice cream out of the freezer and starts eating it. I’m not leaving anything out, he didn’t say a word to me. Just left me standing there with the front of my pants soaked with ice cream, and no idea if I should say something, or just let it all go. Now I am sure you know I wanted to scream. Ask him if he was insane; ask her (mom) if she was insane. But I just walked in the house, threw out the melted ice cream, and went up stairs to change my pants. Not another word was spoken about it. I did find out later tonight that this was his 5th ticket, and that he was going to lose his license from it,  his dad told me that.

Oh, his dad…Little guy, ½ the size of his mom. He is blind in one eye, I think it is glass. And his leg is plastic. I guess he lost it to gang green a couple of years ago. He seems harmless, and almost frail, all of his kids tower over him. He has his son, and 3 daughters. His son (my boyfriend) is 21; all of his daughters are in their mid 30’s. That’s a big gap…and looking at him and his wife, I shiver at the thought of them having sex…she is like the grinch. Same short pouty wrinkled face…only not green and she is about 6’2”. With a big pot belly, wrangled in by polyester stretch top pants. NOT Attractive at all. He, like I said is very short, skinny, big nose (real big), half of his head is bald, and he of course has those plastic accessories. Not exactly you’re all American couple. But they are Italian, so I guess they wouldn’t be anyway. So I am again questioning my choices here. I know I could get another boyfriend, but there is still something keeping me here. I am not sure what, like I said before, I don’t want to move back home, and I can’t afford an apartment on my own, so I am kind of stuck I guess.

  • Current Mood
    pessimistic pessimistic
illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

woohoo-sex

Monumental! So he has achieved erection, and yet, I am very disappointed. This will definitely count against him, as I experienced NO pleasure. So do I assume that this is how it will be forever? Or was he just preoccupied with the whole limp thing? Not sure. But here is something bazaar. We finally had sex, and it sucked, then I was at work (at the convenience store where I met him. His mom works with me), and he was hanging out waiting for me to get off. Well my cousin, who is a guy, a short one, walks in and is talking to me. Nothing out of the ordinary, just "how’s your dad? And how are you?" After my cousin left He starts screaming at me accusing me of sleeping with him(MY COUSIN!). Now I explained that he is my cousin, and it didn’t matter, he kept yelling anyway, said if he talks to me again there will be trouble. Now what do I do? Is it something I should view as cute, because he is jealous, and loves me? And is he serious about fighting with him over it? I mean that would be quite embarrassing. This guy just seems to be getting weirder, and weirder. My father says he is an asshole, and that I should stay away. Is this what he is talking about? See my father knows his family well, he did work on their septic system (he has his own excavating business). He (Dad) may have seen him do stuff like this before.

I am so confused; I really don’t want to move back in with my mom, especially without my dad there. She will just give me a ridiculous curfew, and not support anything I want to do. Plus it is nice having someone to wake up next to…well he works til 7 in the morning delivering newspapers, but at 7 he comes in and gets in bed with me. You know what I mean, it’s just comfortable. Plus we’ve been steady for almost 6 months now, that’s a record for me! I am sure it will be good, we just need to get past all these little quirks he has….

  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful
illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

Day after my Birthday



We got into our first real fight today. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, I was so disappointed about my crappy birthday, and I had to say something. I mean…MUMS! And did I tell you the price tag was still on them? $4.99!!! C’mon, a card from hallmark would have cost that, and would have meant more. It’s not like he has something else to spend his money on, his mom pays for everything, except his car payment and that is $350 a month. So do the math, he could have gotten me something with meaning, or at least real flowers, like in a bouquet. Now thinking back, I suppose it was hurtful, the way I approached it. But it hurt me, he claims he is in love with me, but he certainly was not set on showing it. When I asked him if he thought what he did was a sufficient birthday gift he lost it. Started screaming at me, telling me I am selfish, a bitch, etc.. So naturally I yelled back, after all I had seen my mother do it with my father a million times. Only my father would just throw things around the house. This son-of-a-bitch slapped me…HARD. So now what? And I am sure he didn’t mean it, and that he is really, really sorry. He claims he is sorry, that it won’t happen again, it looked like he had tears in his eyes when he apologized. So do believe him, I must have just hit a sensitive button . I just can’t get rid of this voice in my head screaming “get out! Leave! He’ll do it again…they all do” .But this is the first guy I ever dated that is “clean-cut”, with a good job, and 2 cars. No tattoos, doesn’t drink, or smoke pot, nor do any other kinds of drugs. He is someone my mother would be happy for me to date(not that I care what she thinks really, after all, she threw my father out a month ago, and now after 20 years he is all alone). None the less I should really try to hang on to him….I will just have to watch my mouth when we’re fighting. Or if we’re fighting I should say.

  • Current Mood
    scared scared
illumination, abuse, love, hope, hate

It's my birthday!



Since today was my birthday and it was the first one I shared with him, I thought he would do something extravagant. My guess would be dinner and a movie via a limo. Since he told me he did that for his ex, and that I was worth way more to him than she was. Of course when we got up this morning, he said Happy Birthday, no surprise. I eagerly trekked down the stairs, turning each corner with anticipation. Hopeful to find a bouquet of flowers, or a wrapped gift of some sort, or a card, or 15 people yelling surprise. But nothing, not so far. My guess was that he wanted to wait til later, make me more suspenseful.


I threw him a huge surprise party a few months ago, all of our friends were there, and I got him a really nice leather jacket. It cost me 2 weeks pay. Not that I did it so he would do something good for me, I did it because that is how I am, I put everything I have into something/someone I love, and care about.


Now I know he has the money to do something, because he (we now), lives with his parents still, and he makes about $300 a week. So money is no object with him, at least that’s what he always says.



So, to get to the point here, about 3 hours went by, of sitting around the house, him washing his cars, and me watching him. Finally he said “want to take a ride?”. I figured this was it…Take me someplace unexpected, big surprise party…So we got in his little red sports car, and off we went. We stopped at Stewarts (a convenience store/gas station), He told me to wait in the car and ran in side. Minutes later out he came with this potted MUM plant…I hate mums…I hate potted flowers period. Is he kidding! He handed me this thing, said happy birthday and gave me a kiss. What the hell is wrong with him? So I didn’t say anything, cuz I was sure later on would be more, Maybe he was trying to trick me, you know, into thinking he didn’t care, and then there would be a surprise when we got back home. Well to keep this short let me just say that by 11 pm I gave up on hoping, and when midnight hit, I cried…No card, no present, no cake, no party, No birthday sex even! (the sex part is mainly because since we met, he couldn’t get it up, which I don‘t get, I am not a bad catch at all, and his last girlfriend was huge, and missing a front tooth, but he says he is just shy, and that the limp problem will go away when he is more comfortable). So, I guess I have had better birthdays, maybe I should dump him now, before it gets worse, I mean Christmas is right around the corner. Not that I am all about material things, I would love if he just made me a special day, dinner, bubble bath, romance…anything but fucking MUMS!

  • Current Mood
    stressed stressed