The Bears Crib

im updating this and i dont know why. Everytime i do i just come to some sort of realizating midway that i really dont want to and i have a feeling i already know what this ones going to be. So here goes the inevitable.

I am getting really hmm sick? of life. I usually am the one that puts it all on so it's basically my fault. I have realized something i do and probably have done for a really long time. I build things up to be so much more then they are in my head. I always get really excited or happy about things or so i think but in the back of my head i know something just isnt right about this one thing or perfect like i imagined it to be. This applies to almost all aspects of my life. I always have a pre-constribed idea of what things or people are going to be like and they never meet my not so high expectations. I think it's time i lose any hope or basic structure of how things should be, i think it will help me cope with dissapointment and heartbreakers much easier.

I have been getting into theses really weird moods lately, there not neccasarily bad but there definatly not good. I can't really pinpoint the root of this but i really wish i could. Tonight i think sam pinpointed it/me best as of late but i ofcourse denied it. She told me it seems like lately my head just isn't with the rest of me. Basically usually when someone talks to me im paying attention enough to respond but i dont really register anything thats being said because im thinking about something else. Which is 50 percent true because i know my mind isnt really there but its not really on one specific thing. I always have 100000 things running through my head to fast for me to even get hold of one singular thought.Maybe im going crazy? Also ive become far to analytical i breakdown pretty much everyaction and word find the bad in it and then fret over it. I am becoming very weird.

I have been spending alot of time at scotties as of late and i really like it because there is always something really sweet happening. Like last night this lady from downstairs came up and wanted to use a phone so we gave her one. Somehow this short visit turned into a 2 hour visit consisting of her telling us her life story. Long story short theres a knock on the door she goes to hide and its her fucking husband. Who let me mind you is outfitted with a handle bar moustache ozzfest t-shirt and barely breaking 5 ft. He then proceeded to yell at her telling her to get home. Very funny. Basically ive been kickin it with alot of people that left my life sometime ago but im really happy there back.

I leave for tour soon, and by soon i mean next thursday. It is going to be really weird not seeing anyone i like or love for 38 days. Dont get me wrong im really excited to go play that many shows and travel to all of these places, im just going to be terribly homesick. I think i would label myself as indecisive on the subject. I would really like to see everyone before i go. I'm going to learn alot of things when im gone i do know that. Im also prolly going to lose alot of things and gain just as much. I doubt ill have a girlfriend when i come back or if i do im sure it wont last that much longer. I cant really see her holding me as close when im so far away for so long. My guess is shes going to grow distant and unintentionally move on. I suppose i cant really be mad at her for it but it does really hurt my heart. Im kinda used to my life not really being that sweet to me though so its only expected for me to lose her.

My guess is there will be 0 replies to this entry because whenever i post a story like entry no one bothers to read it. But neither do i right...

I have alot of things i want to just fucking let out on this thing or just to something or someone in general but i just cant for way to many reasons. I have alot of secrets and no way to get them out. It is really starting to eat away at me. But ive gotten really good at swallowing most things.

EFF you anathallo for putting me in this gay mood

This is what rick gets when he doesn't shower




I win

so its 7 in the morning and im about to leave for new york...

up until this point i was completly excited to go.

now for some reason i have a terrible feeling something really really bad is going to happen while im gone.like really bad.

nothing i can do about it now i suppose though









my mom didnt pay my cell phone bill even though i gave her the money to do so.hooker

so she better pay it today when im gone or im gonna die for reallzzz


bottom line

im totally scared right now

this is a very unfair update.


Last night i went to hang out with ashley. It sucked. jaykat I made fun of retarded people everwhere we went and she felt bad for them. I'm over it. We went to canada and looked at sweet porn titles. Then we went to meijers and i got lost by myself. DICK. When we were ready to leave we couldnt because heidi was arguing with her gf on the phone, so ashley spray BOD in my mouth. It did not taste sexy at all.


Then i had to leave cause ashley hassss schhhoooolll in the mooornnninnng. I really didnt want to because i wont get to see her until monday because we have a 4 day tour thing starting thursday.

Ashley is very perfect and flowers make her nose better.



suspension over?

ok im gonna be honest, 2005 wasnt that sweet until like summer.

-summer is when we went on our first long tour

-summer is when i met ashley :)

-me kurt,matt,and gary became very close

-we got signed

-i started to sort everything i always think about out.



My new years was very good. I spent it with most of my really good friends. There were some i would have wished to see there but oh well. Ashley was there and her being anywhere where i am is always a plus. She is really good.


Matt is leaving tommorow and seriously i dont even know what to do with myself. I am really tired but i cant sleep because i just keep thinking about how fucking sad i am about this. I know it has been coming for a really long time but it didnt hit me until last night when he hugged me for 20 minutes outside and explained to me what i meant to him. That was one of two times of me crying. I AM A MAN IM NOT SUPPOSED TO CRY!#!$@$&^@$^(!!!! I couldnt help it though. I love him with all of my heart, and im usually very reluctant about dishing out my love because of past experiences but he stole my heart oh so swiftly.


Matt when you read this...I need you to know while your eating rice and learning kung fu and doing slant eye type things, odds are me and kurt are prolly hugging and crying about missing you.Because we are fucking pussies. GET OVER IT



I dont know, i could list everyone and everything that i love and care about right now but im not going to because A. im lazy B. I have let you knwo if you are one of those that i do love..


i guess i love you then


"not while im in this country"

I don't know why i feel like i should post this to everyone. But i am going to because no one is here for me to tell.


I really wish i had control over what emotions i expressed. Or maybe the power to delete emotions because then i could always be really pumped. Even though for the most part i am.

I am very sad right now...actually i dont even know if its sad. I just feel really weird. Almost like im 15 again, and i hate it. I don't remember how im supposed to express/vent this feeling. It really does frustrate me. It seems very much to soon to even be sad about something like this, but i am...get over it. Who knows though. The only person i feel remotley understands where i am coming from is gary. I suppose if i were to have anyone understand it, it would be gary. Your prolly gonna read this and think its really weird and or creepy. I promise you its not. Don't read to far into this, this is no subtle entry. I wrote exactly what i feel, becuase i know to some of you mylife is way to much of an interest to you so do not make assumptions.

basically i miss ashley alot...prolly because i saw her yesterday and i am not seeing her today. Which i should get used to being we live an hour apart. Like i said i just need to be superman so i can smoosh michigan and make it alot smaller. Plus then when we are together i can just make time stop, then i wont have to leave because time wont really be a problem. im fucking 15 right now. SHOOT ME

i feel very homosexual about this post.

guess what?


im over it



24 is the highest number kurt

today is not a good day.


i am very very sick.

i really do not like being sick. It happens to me all to often.

I also really miss ashley. I get to see her friday though, that will be good.

I almost feel like im going to explode. Honestly though if im going to die, i might as well explode. So at least it looks cool.





this is a stupid post, but i figured if i was going to die, id say my last word via LJ.

My days seem to just blend together lately

I don't think i really have a full grasp on anyyyyything anymore


I now own the sweetest game ever in which all you do is make movies about whatever you want.


Sinking Steps Rising Eyes are realllly good


Wednesday is a day i am looking forward to.


Too bad i never sleep




Helen Kellar's favorite color is Chuck Norris

It's my response to the stars that drag on
The binary letters shaped in dissacord that send no false rapture
so hold me holy and hold me close
it's my hands i can't seem to steady
Action!Action! there goes that constant and here comes the theme for the pretty girl
It is the city that you light
Too bad my constanents didn't have more power

So my last few days have been pretttyyyy out of hand.........

THURSDAY-We had a show in Tennessee with Tony Danza so we left at like 2 in the morning to make this 10 hour drive. Being that we are as dominate as we are this drive took us 18 hours because we like to stop everwhere possible. One of the many places we stopped was DINOSAUR WORLD! It was 10 dollars to get in and only me and drew thought it was worth it. So we went in, AND IT RULED ALOT. There were over 100 life size dinosaurs. Seriously i dont think i was ever happier then when i was there. Anyways after that we got to the show and kicked it with The Scarlet Letter for a bit. Then we played and did ok considering the fact we were all a little sick. Whatev though. On the way home i was supposed to do most of the driving being i was the only one that did not have to work the next day. Nope Andy decided to be sweet and drive pretty much the whole way while i slept. I woke up right when we got home and i was happy.


FRIDAYIt was my birthday. Not that Sweet


SATURDAYWe had a show in muskegon. We went there and sold a bunch of stuff and hung out with people i dont get to see nearly often enough. After the show, i went with For The Fallen Dreams and kicked it in some city i do not know for the night. I completly realized how much i loved those dudes that night. I also got to kick it with kara and meet jen so that was pretty bitchin. The next day we woke up and we went to lansing and FTFD and SYNT again had a show together in IONIA. That place sucks mind you.Anyways we showed up and hung out forever while alot of crappy bands played. Then we teased MISHHHHHHHHH cause he is not a good merch guy and has a dirty dirty mustache. Then after the show us and FTFD went to go eat. This is where it gets hard for me to comprehend what even happened. We ate and somehow ended up in a throwing food on eachother vehicles game in the McDonalds parking lot. Then it escalated to "hey lets see if we can throw up on the FTFD van" and we did. Me, andrew, mishhhhhhh,and other andrew all threw up on there van.. It was the weirdest/funniest thing ever. We got it allllll on video too. I am scared to watch it.



either way here are a few photos for DINOSAUR WORLD!


P.S. Ashley you should prolly come back from california now.

So ok im pretty sure livejournal needs to be as sweet as it once was. When everyone replied alot and we had sweet conversations via LJ.



Anyways, yesterday was very spectacular. Me and Gary basically went on a date to top all dates. First we met at crumbs and drank some sweet smoothies. Then we made our way to Old Town and went to the much to artistic Red Eye. There we had some jones soda and also found out that it now comes in cans, and that rules. We then walked down to the river and sat on the docks and talked about clothes for about an hour. We touched on how terrible mostly everyone dresses and things of the sort. We then continued on an expedition through Old Town. We both realized how bitchin it really is. There is sweet artwork and things of the sort. After we ate at Jimmy Johns. Then we went to Barnes & Nobles and we talked about Marcie and Kooter because we love them. We then proceeded to be way bitchin and go to see a movie. We saw Madagascar, and let me tell you, drop any opinion of that movie you have. This movie was so good. So funny. So sweet. There are penguins, lions, giraffes, hippos, and zebras. What more could a boy of my stature possibly ask? Oh yes Matt Whitlock joined us for that. I love that boy with all of my heart. So we were not ready to end the night so we mad the obvious choice and went to the texan. We talked about video games. Primarily Final Fantasy 7. We all got teary eyed while speaking of the Aeris death. So sad, yet so brutal. Damn you Septhroth. Then Matt got real pumped and wanted to show me his collection of games. So we went to his home. Which he failed to inform me was Gimungous and came fully stocked with a plasma tv in his bedroom. ARG. Then it was time for me to take Gary home because he was losing his heart without Marcie. So that is what I did. This is where the best part comes into play. We discussed how his wedding should be. This is how it went.


GARY'S SUPER BITCHIN WEDDING

Well ok I am an ordained minister so because when i was in High School I found a website that had the legal right to ordain people if they were too take a test and pass it.
So that is what i did. Shortly after i received my certificate. So this is how it is gonna be. I will marry Gary and Marcie and i will be dressed as a dragon. The wedding will take place inside of a castle that me and Gary are going to construct starting soon.
So being i can do what i please because i always do what i want I will change the vows. All's I know is that instead of kissing they are going to have a sword fight. While that is happening I am going to be blowing fire and it will be epic and majestic.Then after that another wedding is gonna invade our castle. We will then proceed to fight them off. Then all we have planned for the reception is goblets for all and me starting a toast with "here yee here yee" and ending it with "AND NOW WE DRINK!!"

Ok so that was Gary's wedding. Sorry if you did not want to read that. It had to be done though. I also apologize for this "real" update because i never do this. I did do it though because i would like to respark my sweet LJ.

Alright now i will post the lyrics to our new song that i finally have gotten to my approval. Please to not hesitate to tell me they are terrible. I went with a different writing approach this time and i truely would like feeback. Honest that is.


Good Christians Do Not Get Jiggy With It Until After Marriage


Breakdown that linguistic prowess, but do not touch that thought factory
My gears they "cling, cling" to another song
Baby, I see that space from your eyes to your mouth
Shorten that up, its just me
The one that stole the show
Now lets break those stunning legs and sit where we fall
It has been a long day and this boy's heart is dancing on eyes closed tight
All that I ask is when we break from this dream those stairs made of tattered clothes still leads to your tongue