Basically Brittany's Blog.

I want you to know a few things. First of all, I miss you more than you can imagine. You are the world's greatest kid, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. I also want you to know that I am sorry. I can't say that enough to you. I made your world unbearable as you were growing up. I know that I shouldn't have. I always resented you because I thought it was your fault that mom and dad didn't treat me the same way after you were born. I know that is not why they treated me the way they did. I know that you didn't tell them to hate me when you were born. I also know they don't hate me, they just don't understand me. You probably don't understand a lot of things. Like why I always blamed you for my life being so terrible, or what you did to make me hate you so much. Truth is, I had no one else to blame but myself, and you did absolutly nothing wrong. You are a wonderful kid who deserves the best in life. You are kind and loving. I mean what kid gives their own candy away to strangers after trick or treating for an hour. An amazing kid. Which is what you are. I felt like you stole my life away when you were born, when really you were just adding to it. So many things I would go back and do if I got that chance again. I'm sorry I made your home so terrible. I know you were confused and upset when mom dad and I fought all the time. Yelling and screaming words that held so much hate. I hate that you had to see that and experience that. I know it was my fault. Everytime you tried to hang out with me, I never let you. I didn't spend enough time with you like I should have. Playing sports in the yard, or helping you with your homework, or watching you perform at school. I know I did some of those things, but not like I should have. I know with me in college things are going a lot better at home. At least, I hope so. I heard you got my room, and at first I was angry but then I realized if anyone got it, I wanted it to be you. You are going to be so successful in life and you'll achieve anything you set your mind to. You are very smart and talented. I know you have bad days when the kids at school are mean to you, but I want you to know it's going to be okay. Just know that everytime you take an insult without returning one, you are added a blessing in life. I know what it feels like to be bullied, but I am always here for you. I know I've always stuck up for you when it came to that, but I'm not there anymore, but I'm just a phone call away. You are a very handsome boy and I know that you'll never take advantage of that, like some people do. You'll never put others down to make yourself feel better. Because that's not who you are. Lastly, I love you. I love how amazing you are and how smart you are. I love it when you tell jokes and laugh at them. I love it when you tell me stories about your day or what you've learned. I love that you love to read because I want to believe you got that from me. I love that you keep your head held high even when you've had a rough day, I love how determined you are. I love how forgiving you are. I love how you have so much faith and you're still so young. I love how great you are at sports. I love that you've learned things from school, that I have yet to learn. I love how you're full of life and joy. I love that you're so much fun. I love you curly hair and your blue eyes. When you were a baby, I loved how your small hand could grab just one of my fingers. I love how understanding you are. But most of all I love that you're my brother. I'm here for you whenever you need me Jacob, and I would do anything for you. I'm sorry I haven't been the big sister you deserve, and I know I can't take away all the hurtful things I've done and said. But know that I love you and miss you with everything in me.
love always,
Sissy.

okay so I know I haven't written in a long time, but I've been a bit busy with this thing called life. So let me catch you up. Me and Brandon are completely one hundred percent done. and I'm one hundred ten percent over him. It really wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It's like my brain just turned the switch to off when it came to him. I don't talk about him anymore and I rarely think about him. I realized he's a scumbag, and he doesn't deserve and really never did. I tested out of my prepatory college math class and into real college algebra. Thanks to my awesome study skills, I made a 90 on the accuplacer. I got everything handled for school. I've been responsible when it comes to choices that could be bad ones. I don't do them, it's as simple as that. I've seen people come back from parties out of their mind high or drunk or both and I just think of how unattractive it is and how their ruining their future. I think occasional partying might be okay, but not for me. Partying altogether is just not my thing, I did that in high school and I'm over it. I can have all the fun I need to by being sober. Not saying that if you party you're ruining your life, I'm just saying that if you're partying all the time and making it a top priority you might want to rethink that before it turns badly. Anywhoooo, this isn't really a deep blog, I'll write one of those later. This is just an update on my life basically. (:
Oh btw I'm broke and dealing. I'm not asking for handouts because that's not the kind of person I am. I see people who bum off other's constantly and I get annoyed with them. I'm a giver, not a taker, but from what I hear, the givers sleep better at night anyway. :P
-britt

I can't go back. I won't go back. Brandon's coming back.. In fact, I don't think he ever left. He's supposedly in basic training, but he has his phone and a laptop? Don't they cut you off from the world when you go to basic? You basically take yourself and that's it? That's what I've been told. He texted me yesterday and told me he was coming back for two days. I told him it didn't matter to me because I wouldn't see him. I won't go see him. I won't! I'm a different person now. And I refuse to go back to who I used to be. Because I didn't like who I was. I wasn't proud of myself, and I always felt like I wasn't good enough. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel so much better about myself. And I'm proud of me. And it's almost been a month since I've seen him. He still has this certain pull on me. When I got the text message from him and I read his name, I froze. My entire body tensed up and I couldn't breathe for a second. I didn't respond at first, in fact I didn't respond for hours. I told myself that if he didn't say goodbye, then I sure as heck wasn't about to say hello again and let him back into my life. He won't my excuse for messing up anymore. I take responsibility for my actions and I don't choose him. I always thought that we were meant to be. I always thought that someone inside him, he cared about me in the same way that I cared about him. And he changed me in so many ways. I did things that I promised myself I would never do. They were all my choices. And the outcome was never good. So what makes this any different? I don't care how much I miss him, I won't go back. I don't miss the tears and the fights and the pain and the constant worrying. I don't miss any of that. He comes with all of that though. He's drama. He's trouble. And that's not for me. I can't go back. I won't go back. I refuse. And I used to say that all of the time, but it was always after I had gone back to him and had ended up broken hearted. And I always ended up broken hearted. And I refuse to let myself fall for him or anybody like him ever again. I choose life. I choose me. I won't go back. End of story.

Everything happens for a reason. Have you ever heard that one before? I bet you have. I personally, choose to accept this, when I see the outcome as good. It wasn't until recently that I applied it to bad things that had happened to me. Like my biological dad dying or me getting sent to a girls home or getting my heart broken.All three events make one point. My dad dying isn't something I'm happy about, but to be completely honest, I'm kind of thankful that he did. He wasn't the best person in the world. All my memories of him are good, although I only have a few. I think they're all good because I chose to remember the good things instead of the bad. Truth is, he had a drug problem, and he was an alcoholic, and on top of those two things, he had a temper. I ask my mom about my dad sometimes, she never talks badly about him, she just tells me the truth. He hit her, but she loved him so much that she stayed with him, but she left him when he tried to hit me. I don't remember that because I was barely one when they split up. He drank and drove with me in the car, and how ironic that he died of a car accident. I believe he killed himself. My mom refuses to believe so, but doesn't it seem suspicious that he died less than a mile away from where his brother died? at almost the exact time of night? I think it was suicide. But what good could come from a father's death? well what if he hadn't died that night and i was with him? he's drunk and tired, and he wrecks. Well I would've probably died too. If he hadn't have died, I probably would be doing drugs or partying every weekend. I think that's what I'm most thankful for. Since he was a drug addict, don't you think I would've started it as well. And he wouldn't mind? I'm so thankful that I don't do that kind of stuff. I'm not perfect patty, but I do have morals and standards that I am not willing to compromise. If my dad were alive, I would've never gone to Holy Highway. It's a girls home. I hate that place. That place was so horrible that I have blocked out most of the memories I have of it. It should have been called the highway to hell. Anyway, I was ms popular my freshman year. I had just moved schools and I fit the profile, so I became friends with the most popular people in school. I dated numerous boys. Popularity changed me though. I became mean and cruel. I made fun of people who were different. I wouldn't even go to wal-mart with my mom anymore if I thought she would go into the clothing section. I had a major attitude problem. My parents, trying to help me, sent me to this girls home. No one was there for the reason I was. Sure they had attitude problems, but they also had drug problems, alcohol problems, sex addictions, and they stole. I was patty perfect compared to most of these girls. No one there liked me. They all ridiculed me. I had no friends. So, I turned to food. Thus, gaining 40 wondeous pounds. I was only there for four months, my mom pulled me out of there when she saw that not only had i not gotten better. But now, I was ten times worse. I wasn't just mean now, I was emotionally unstable. I had completely lost my faith in God, thanks to these people shoving Him down my throat every day, and I couldn't hold a conversation without breaking down in tears. When I went back to my high school I no longer fit the popular profile. I was fat. How could this be a good thing? Well the for the obvious reason, they weren't really my friends. If someone is only your friend because you're pretty and wear really cute clothes and carry the latest coach purse, they aren't your friends. I'm thankful that they shunned me, because they partied all the time. Their parties always got busted. I heard of some of my former "best friends" getting slapped with MIP's. Funny thing is though, a lot of those people in the top ten percent of my class, they partied every weekend, getting wasted and high. I probably could have gone to a better college with a scholarship if I hadn't of gone to Holy Highway, but I probably wouldn't be doing well in college at all if I had stayed at my high school. Once again, drugs and partying, not something I want to have on my list of regrets or my permanent record. This brings me to my last event, then I promise we will get to the point I'm trying to make. If I would have stayed at my school, and not gone off to that horrible place, I would have never met Brandon. The boy I gave everything to, only to end up with a broken heart. Brandon doesn't exactly fit the bill on the popularity profile. Sure he was popular, a lot of people knew him, but only because he was a trouble maker and a man-hoe. I won't go into much detail there. If Holy Highway never would've happened, Brandon White would have been nothing to me, because I would've looked right passed him. A blip on my radar would've been him. I would've been the one to break his heart, but instead he broke mine. But a broken heart isn't always a bad thing. Yeah, you're hurting and thinking about them constantly and trying not to sleep because you know if you sleep you'll dream about them, but all this pain you're feeling, it doesn't go away, but one day you wake up and it doesn't hurt as much. Maybe because you get used to it. I don't know. But Brandon breaking my heart, is the most valuable lesson I've learned. And I learned it at a young age. My mom learned it with my biological dad and didn't get out of that relationship until she was out of high school, married, and had a baby. He taught me to gaurd my heart, he taught me love isn't easy and sometimes it's not mutual. And when a person is making you cry more than smile, they're not worth it. Last but not least, he taught me to follow my brain and not my heart. Because your heart feels what it wants, but your brain has knowledge of past events and it knows the factual evidence. You can love a person more than anything, but if it's not meant to be, it won't happen. Because everything happens for a reason. If we examine the bad in life, we can find good in most things. I have a few things that I'm still trying to figure out why they happened. But I also know that one day, I'll find at least one good outcome.
I know this was hella long and I'm sorry for that, but I think it was worth it.
-brittany

It's 3:38 a.m. I can't sleep again tonight. I've been telling a lot of people that I think I have insomnia. I don't think I actually do; I could go to sleep if I tried, but I just choose to stay awake. I'm not tired, but I could sleep. I think I don't sleep because of my dreams. I stay awake because it's impossible to dream if you don't sleep.
Let me explain, I just got out of a really rocky relationship. It lasted one year and eight months. Long story short, I gave all I had to boy that didn't really care about me. It's a really long story. He's in basic training now, so seeing him isn't the problem, unless I'm sleeping. I dream about him every time I sleep. When you're trying to get over a certain person, dreaming about them makes it difficult. So I stay awake, no sleep equals no brandon-the he i am referring to.
Sigmund Freud said that we usually forget out dreams when we wake up. I sometimes do forget my dreams, but since I can't really know when I'll wake up and not know what I dreamed about, I stay awake. One of my friends told me that dreams are our sub-conscience thoughts so if I don't think about Brandon, I won't dream about him. But the problem is I think about him a lot, not as much as I used to, but still more than I should, and apparently enough to make me see him in my sleep.
 So my solution to this is insomnia. And it's not a bad thing, no i don't sleep a lot and that might be bad for my health, but the good news is, I have a lot more free time. I do homework before it's assigned since it's online, I clean my room every night, I have time for laundry, and I have time to do this. It's 4 a.m. now. Still not tired.
Goodnight bloggers and sweet dreams.