Confused, What?, Dazed

Just when you thought things were going normal

So, I  FINALLY go on Clomid, and I FINALLY get preggers, well finally in the sense that I have been married 10 years, I only needed the one round of Clomid. Of course first  time lucky and I was  suspicious right away because it was TOO EASY.... nothing ever goes that easy for us.  Then I find out that doctors in NSW (at least) don't bother to do any tests till 10 weeks, not even a blood test to confirm that you are preggers... apparently first response is good enough, although I did the test twice because well you know. I had only done the stupid test because I wanted some wine, and the early early ones, cuz you are supposed to be able to take em a week before your missed period and still get a result had been negative, so I decided just to do one to be on the safe side since technically I was a week late and I wanted to drink a couple bottles of wine before I had to go back on provera & clomid.

So 10 weeks, well actually 9weeks and a few days is a REALLY long time when you only know your preggers cuz of a couple lines on a stick. The only symptoms I had were the boobs from HELL, being sore and getting bigger, I swear and I was sleeping like a hibernating bear, I swear, I have never slept so much in my life.

So the night before the ultrasound I am sitting here thinking, "You know what, they are gonna tell me I am having twins... that would be just my luck" Apparently Scott had not had this thought untill we got to the place and there is a chart on the wall about ultrasounds and it shows you they can see twins at the 10 week scan. Then because  I just needed to be distracted as I nursed my almost bursting bladder a woman with twins walks in. I think at this point Scott was starting to have the thought that I had the last night "Oh shit, what if its twins"

So the nice ultrasound guy let me go and pee a little, because seriously if he had put any pressure on me I would of pee'ed all over him and it was painful. Lucky for them I seem to be the master of only doing a little bit and then holding on. So at least when I lay down it didn't hurt anymore. So he puts on the gel etc.... sigh, done this so many times, at least this time I should get to see something interesting.

The first thing Scott says is, 'That isnt what I think it is is it" and I am thinking "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP" because I swear my uterus is way to freaking small but maybe its supposed to look kinda half-empty, nope its not half empty the other half is occupied. The dude is like "There are two babies in there", I think maybe I said "Holy crap" or something like that at this point, its like the one thing I didn't want, twins, first time... SHIT.

So after that I was allowed to go and pee because he wanted to prod my insides and get a better look that way. Apparetnly I'm very clever and I was thinking "What the hell am I, a dog that learnt a new trick"

Apparently this is normal and its called TWINSHOCK.

It's kinda lessening  each day.... but still...     TWINS....

at least it gives me something fun to write about in Facebook, instead of just "Sleeping" "Sleeping more" & "I just slept all day and now I'm going back to bed"

oh yeah did I mention

WE ARE HAVING TWINS.

holy shit
Rage, Angry, Mad

Grrrrrrrr......................

FUCK WOMAN IF YOU THINK IM A FUCKING TROLL JUST COME OUT AND SAY IT...

Ok, so now I got that out of my system....
Just so hostile, you'd think that on a pregnancy forum you can post things like "I'm spotting and freaking out" and "It started after I masturbated" but apparently only TROLLS use words like that..... seriously.... after posting "Uuuh ok" I thought for some reason she was being childish about it and said "Sorry to offend" and now she think's I'm a troll..... and then makes bitchy comments later on after I had rang the bloody doctor and she told me not to worry with "
Well that was quickly resolved! Doctors always say not to worry about bleeding don't they!"

Well I'm SORRY lady, I rang, my doctor was about to leave so I got to talk to her right away...... obviously I should of waited 5 hours to post again so I could of pretended I went to the doctor.....

Don't you think if I was a troll I would of have some huge drama like, "I got preggers from a 3D porno and the baby just looked out and winked at me" I mean  COME ON

This shouldn't irritate me so friggen much, but its the only dammed pregnancy site I have posted at and I get a hostile troll-sniffer on my first dammed post. This is my first time pregnant, so she better not keep it up, as I see myself posting more than one time.

Oh for yeah, I'm 7 weeks pregnant....
I have not written in here forever hey....



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Writing, Busy

If I owned the house, and money/time wasn't an issue

Ok, so if we owned the house and time and money were not an issue this is what I would do to the place and this is just for the
Outside, I have not even considered what I would inside apart from let the dogs in sometimes and use command strips!!

Yard Improvement.
Out the back.
  • Tear out the exsisting lawn. Seriously its the worst turf ever, full of weeds and crap :(
  • Level the back yard, properly, making it all flat, would involve digging out soil in the back to get it flat (keep the soil for later) , pick out all the stone s and cement chunks, prepare the soil to plant, WEED SPRAY.
  • Sew a lawn, something hardy that doesn't grow crazy fast, hard wearing for dogs and doesn't require heaps of watering.
  • Rip out wooden fences, replace with  colour-bond,  and add a gate that WORKS!
  • Pave side of house where pebbles are, extend out to back fence in line from house, cover the whole area with shadecloth as a  entertainment/patio area
  • Thin path of pavement across back of fence to clothesline, paved area there, as the dogs hang out there and  lawn would just die there.
  • Place small gate between house and fence on  paved area for dog free zone
  • Maybe add garden bed/ garden troughs along back of house.
Out the Front.
  • Tear out gardens & lawn
  • Use soill from back to create a level garden out front with retaining walls since the yard is sloped
  • Level remaining area to have lawn, again remove stones, cement,  prepare and spay for weeks before sewing a lawn, same grass as back
  • Possibly  re-plant garden, although I do like the natives out there. Have a weed sheet installed, because lets face it, I don't garden.
Thats pretty much what I would do to this places yard, if we owned, money & time not an issue. lol
I think I have put too much thought into this, but the mind wanders..... and that is what I would do.
oh no

Since I have no made a note of this anywhere but FB

Last Thursday afternoon (20th October) Scott rang me to tell me he had just had a car accident and totalled our car. Lucky for us he was OK, and had not hit anyone or anything else. The car on the other hand was on its roof, and he had rolled it. I of course went into a kind of spaced out state of mind, as he called me a couple more times to get me to ring the insurance company and then tell me what hospital they took him too.

So as soon as I knew where he was I got a taxi, and went down all the time imagining him being pretty cut up and black and blue, since Scotts definition of OK and the fact that he didn't sound quite right on the phone didn't reassure me that he really was ok. But I got there and they told me where to find him, and he's sitting there on a stretcher looking mostly fine. He had a bruise on his head and a tiny bit of blood and then one arm is a bit scratched up and one cut was deep and had bled everywhere, but they decided later he didn't need any stitches and then a couple if bruises on his arms and shoulders, they have come up really bad looking in the days since and are giving him quite a bit of pain now. They kept us at the hospital for about 6 hours because his heart rate was really high and not coming down but eventually let us go because the X-Rays and bloods could show no reason for the heart rate, so they let me take him home on the condition that if ANYTHING weird happened that we would come back.

So that wasn't overly great. The car is totalled and when I saw it, I can't beleive he got out alive let alone with such minor injuries. Right now I'm just so releived that he's OK, as I don't know if I would want to go on without him, I mean, he's pretty much everything I have in this world and I would be totally lost without him.

Hopefully no more car accidents.... 

on a brighter note, we did have insurance so we can get a new car, we actually found one we like today and if its passes an inspection we are going to buy it.... so, hooray, we will soon have a car and the rental can go back , BTW Nissan Tiida... ick.


So this is the first photo I got from Scott's Phone, he was sitting in the back of the Ambulance. (The ambo's BTW got a really good photo that was more awesome than this)

This is Scott being an idiot in the ED, no I didn't tell him to make the Looser L on his forehead.

The car at the tow place, and the right way up. Every panel on the car was damaged, and some of the doors wouldn't open anymore. I still can't beleive he got out and suck minor injuries. 

He will be getting fined by the cops, because it was a 'high speed' crash (80kms at least) and as best as Scott can tell he had a microsleep, but hey, $400 is nothing if you get to be alive.

So if you are tired....

DONT DRIVE

or your car may end up upside-down on the side of a road, and you and others may not be so lucky.
As for Scott.... no more long days at work, so hopefully no more driving when he's tired.

and that's what's been going on in my life ...


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    none....shhh, its late
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sad, down

Well.......

I think I have forgotten the last time I posed in here.... so If  I write stuff I already wrote... sorry. That is IF anyone actually read this.... I have to remember that its not probably read much so I am just rambling to myself... or... whatever....

I have falled into a depression... AGAIN :( I dont know if its because my Savella isnt working because I am only taking a half dose, when I remember, to make it last till I can go see a specalist and hopefully get on Cymbalta or whatever its called that they give you for Fibromyalgia in Australia.

I think part of it is just feeling isolated, my only socal interactions are online and Scott , I realise that its really pathetic but what am I going to do? I like staying at home more than going around places, but I don't meet any people and when I do I probably cling to them because I am just so desperate to finally talk to someone outside of my normal routine. I miss chatting with my sister too, shes not got the net back as far as I can tell but going on Skype was good. I talk to Ness heaps on vent, although alot of it is  her worrying that the man she likes doesn't like her back... lol, shes as bad as I was when I was a teenager with Geoff and then again when I first met Scott.

So pretty much I'm back to not wanting to do anything but desperately wanting to do something. I don't want to walk the dogs, I don't want to face life. I am so bored...... and this is just pathetic.....

I really want to smoke the Kronic, synthetic pot and its legal, but I know that if I smoke it to escape having to feel depressed I don't think I could stop and I don't want to become addicted to it, because even tho its legal it can't be good for you... and it would get expensive.... fast.

  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
impatient, annoyed

Why men shouldn't have Facebook

Well I guess not just ANY man... but Scott in particular. Lots of things I would like to post there I now can't because I know he will read it. Like just now I was cleaning the bathrooms *LE GASP* and thinking to myself is it too much to ask a man to clean his own bathroom? Cuz for some reason when we have 2 bathrooms, like we did in the US, he claims one and I claim one, and then I tend to never EVER go in his again because its like ick all man and dirty. BUT if I ask that on Facebook he will get all offended and crap and I wouldn't be having a go at him, just wondering what ppl think... or just want to say that cuz it was what I was thinking. I find there are quite a few things that I cant say what I think because he or someone on my friends list will see... stupid eh? Cuz even if I blocked it from them, if someone comments I think they can then see because its a friend of a friend things, since just about everyone on my list is on his.

I'm kinda getting sick of ppl constantly asking me if I'm glad to be back in Australia OF COURSE IM BLOODY GLAD... What no-one noticed that I HATED living in Seattle???? WTF PPL.....

I can't wait for decent internet... I want to run a Heroic in WOW so badly
Confused, What?, Dazed

GAH - omg

Getting overwhelmed feeling that I get, usually before I plummet to the depths of depression, although I don't seem to get the plummet, I just can't sleep.

I feel like there is a million things I need to do, but I don't want to do any of them and they feel like they are piling up on me threatening to drown me, I know I just have to do one thing at a time and it will be ok, but I just don't want to do any of them. Like I really need to take a shower.... dun wanna, need to make a doctors appointment... dun wanna, have to fill in paperwork.... dun wanna and HAVE TO DO WASHING BECAUSE OMG WE ARE MOVING..... dun wanna..... for some reason each thing feels like torture to even think about doing.... maybe I will take a bath and then see if I can get myself in the shower to wash my hair.... at least a bath is relaxing right
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    groggy frazzled
say what, oh no you didnt

one BLOODY idiot

 
Almost made it though Mother's day with no idiotic mention of me being a mother.... I mean one guy that came to see the house said it, but how was he to know?

The one that REALLY shitted me was Scotts dad, WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING MORON IS HE??? Not only did I put a warning on facebook but he of all people should know that I DO NOT consider my pets to be my kids. But nooooooooo he has to  "your daughter (Roxie)"

FUCKING IDIOT

I didn't swear at him like I wanted to, but I did de-friend him. So far there is no fallout...

 I can tell Scott thinks I have over-reacted just a bit... obvioulsy my lack of having kids hasn't triggered in his mind as to why I'm so pissed off. I feel like I have failed everytime mothers day comes around, I've been married 9.5 years and haven't even had a pregancy scare... well not a proper one. FUCK. Of course now we know its me, so that even more peachy FUCK

All these ppl having babies, and even ppl who dont want babies having them

FUCK

To top it off I think I might be sick, I can't regulate my body temperature, I'm friggen boiling hot right now, but in bed I was freezing cold.... I think this is one of those sit on the couch and wish my life was over days....
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    hot hot
Rage, Angry, Mad

Oh yeah - Mothers Day

 It's almost Mothers Day... and although I don't have anything against Mothers Day,

IF ANYONE WISHES ME FUCKING HAPPY FUCKING MOTHERS DAY IM GONNA FUCKING LOOSE IT

I am NOT a mother....
my pets are part of my family, they are NOT my kids

I fucking hate the idiots that will wish me a Happy Mothers Day

I have put a warning on my FB not to do it, but I know some moron will

I will not be resonsible for what I say to them

 I AM NOT A FUCKING MOTHER

have some fucking brains... I want to be a mother, I am not

don't fucking rub it in my face by wishing me a Happy Mothers Day


ok, got that outta my system, I think....
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    aggravated aggravated
hero dash

Ugh

TELLIN YOU RIGHT NOW - ADULT CONTENT, IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ IT, GO PLAY A FACEBOOK GAME OR SOMETHING.

Yeah, bitching about my sex life... or lack of again. Back to begging for sex and getting knocked back - why the hell do I keep doing this to myself, or rather maybe rejections shouldn't hurt anymore but it does....

I mean ok, I left him alone when he was working really really hard, because he was so tired I don't know how he ate dinner when he got home, but the hours seem more reasonable now. But does that mean I get any affection... hellz NO. The last 2 times I have had sex were because I made it happen, if I han't of, it would of been at least a month with nothing. I mean I would have sex every night and probably more than once if I could, but once a week?? Is that too much to ask??

The thing that probably shits me the most about all this is, when he couldn't do anything because he was getting tested he BITCHED and MOANED the whole friggen time, and it was for like 5 days tops.... HE BITCHED BECAUSE HE COULDNT GET OFF FOR 5 DAYS. Yet I routinely go up to at least 14 days with NOTHING. So fuck him. Yeah.

Last night, after letting him sleep for most of the night... I couldn't sleep, he finally wakes up around midnight, and it was probably because I was rubbing his back and stuff. So he gets up and goes to the bathroom, and whatever, thats normal but then he doesn't come back to bed OH NO he goes to leave. I'm like "Where are you going?" and hes "I'm gonna go and watch some tv, you can come if you want" I was "No, I dun wanna watch TV, but I can think of something else I would like to do" and he fucking looks at me and fucking GROANS "I'm not really interested" I rolled over and he left.... fucker

WHY THE FUCK CANT HE MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT? I mean shit, its not like he wanted to sleep or anything...
And it actually hurt, more than I care to show. I don't know what the fuck I need to do to make him want me, if I complain he'll give in and have sex with me, like tomorrow night or something, and then I feel like hes only doing it because I complained and not because he wants to, I don't want sex because he feels obligated, I want it because he wants it, but then I know that I will go and do anything for any sex because I'm pathetic and crave sex.

And I want to have kids with this man, fuck how stupid am I... sometimes I wonder if I would of been better off with a man that maybe would of make me more miserable but wanted more sex.

Been having FUCKED up dreams about Geoff again.... the other night I was angry because he was getting married to some girl because he felt obligated to and I didn't want him to do that, and it was stupid because it wasn't like I wanted him or anything, it was because I didn't want him to do something fucking stupid and marry this girl that he didn't love but just had sex with one time so he felt obligated to marry her.

Before I had that dream tho I had one where some slut had stolen him off me and I wanted him back, and I took him... I took him from her and had him.

I need to stop having sex dreams about my ex.... its been how long?
plus I'm married
and I love my husband

At least last night I dream't that Scott and I had gotten married but we wasn't allowed to tell anyone cuz they would be really angry.... at least I dreamt I was with the right man, but I really need to stop reading Twilight.... yeah I know.... TWILIGHT, but I can't help myself.... its pathetic and Bella is fucking annoying, but maybe its the pathetic love thing they have going on.... maybe its just cuz I want to feel like someone needs me so bad they can't and wont live without me....

I don't want to be here, I don't want to be awake.... I wish I was home in Adelaide or even a teenager again in Perth, back when life was easy.
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