Queen you shall be...

so i had a panic attack on monday and my mom decided to go to my doctor behind my back. now i have new meds and at least 3 sessions with a psychologist.

everything i say there is supposed to be confidential, right? i've never done something like this so i don't really know.

and if i burst in tears? i'm afraid he/she will think i am stupid or something...

i really hope everything will go well.

now i have meds specifically for panic attacks yay

i can't breathe.

another exam gets nearer (i didn't go last tuesday) and i feel like crying once again.

as usual.

my mom told me to start taking my meds again but i didn't because i feel ashamed every time i take them. now, though, i feel even worse than on last monday and i don't know what to do. i'm afraid she'll come into my room to ask me if eveything is ok because it's not and i want to cry but at the same time i don't want to.

i don't know what to do.

i feel like shit.

ok, every year around september i start doubting my choices.

last year i wanted to switch languages and study french instead of spanish.

now i want to switch degree.

in these days i've been finding hard to study economics, hard to focus on things i just don't like and i've been thinking about that if i had chosen history or art history now i would have been happy.

i don't know why i am studying languages / economics, i don't know why i have chosen this degree and i feel like i don't want to finish university right now.

but at the same time i can't because my parents worked hard to pay a university we can't really afford and i feel like an ungrateful child, someone who just keeps making wrong choices and who does not know how to fix them, after.

i just wish i could disappear right now, while i am silently crying in my bed because i'm afraid someone will hear me. i just wish i could go back in time and tell my past self to just choose history, who cares if economics will give you a job? just choose what you really like! but alas i can't do that and now i am stuck with something i chose but i knew i wouldn't like and i don't know what to do.

i have an exam tomorrow. a french one about something i couldn't care less and thus i didn't study anything. i don't want to study the things i have to study but at the same time i can't fail the exam or my parents will know something is wrong.

i feel like i'm throwing their money in the toilet.

i've recently come up with a crazy idea: i want to move to another country-- no, i want to move to denmark. i said to myself i would get my degree, i would study danish and then move to denmark but i keep thinking about this country i love and i still can't make myself study more. i find myself wishing to be able to buy a ticket to denmark and never come back but the thought i've wasted ~6000€ makes me cry and cry and cry.

i keep crying like a child who doesn!p't know how to fix things, i know, but i can't stop. i cry whenever i'm alon and then i pretend everything is ok but clearly it's not.

i wish i could go to denmark, find a job, repay my parents for everything they've done and just stay there. I feel terrible because i knew we couldn't afford that university but i still insisted to go there and now here i am, thinking about dropping out.

i'm such a terrible daughter.

i really don't understand why i need to justify myself every time i want to postpone an exam. it is in my rights to do so, i'm not doing something illegal -- as you appear to think -- and it's not dishonorable.

i don't understand why we always need to argue about university. i will pass my exams, i will, but i can also pass them by doing what i want. i'm not forced to take them all together and thus i've decided to spread them all over september.

it is not dishonorable to do so.

also, i don't even understand why you feel the need to keep track of my exams. i'll do them, mom, i won't graduate without one or two exams because that's impossible.

for fuck's sake ugh

i don't understand why you always feel the need to talk about your boyfriend whenever we see each other. i mean, it's been a fucking year since we last talked and the first thing coming to your mind is telling me that somebody almost stole your boyfriend's car?

a) i don't know him, i never met him so stop talking about him like i know him

b) i don't fucking care

c) stop thinking that you talking about your boyfriend will get some kind of reaction from me just because i don't have one. i couldn't care less right now, i've other things to think of.

ugh

oh so african shitty very hot weather is coming back next week and i'm downloading every tv show i can think of because that's what i'm going to do at night.

i'll watch shows.

till i die, i guess.

i've read somewhere that you can't survive without sleeping for more than seven days.

we'll see.

so i've been teaching english to a 15yo boy which could be held back in september for the past few weeks; i'm payed, of course, and it's really good to have some more money in my wallet. i kinda feel more independent, i can go to the city and buy whatever i want and it's fucking awesome, people.

the only problem is with the kid. i mean, i think he's a good kid and all but he's so shy i feel like talking to a wall. he replies to everything i ask with mmh i don't know, no i'm not sure etc etc. i may not be the most patient person in the world but: wtf, boy? wake up, ffs. you're going to be held back if you don't wake up!

he doesn't know what homework he needs to do, what units of his book he needs to study -- he doesn't know anything! and his mom is worse: she thinks i am the one who has to know what his son doesn't know. hello? what was he doing when he was supposed to attend school? where was he when the teacher talked about the exam and what he had to study? i understand he's shy, i am too, but to this extent ??? that's not shyness, that's something else completely. it's fucking not paying attention, it's thinking everything will go away if you don't think about it.

guess what? it doesn't. and i'm really an expert here because i used to think the same.

i understand he's fifteen and all; he wants to go out with his friends, play all day etc etc but he needs to study more seriously or next year he'll really be held back. and he needs to wake up because i'm there only to teach him english grammar not telling him what his teacher said or what exercises he has to do. that's what you do at school, honey: you pay attention, you write down everything that seems important to you, you fucking write down information on your exam since that it's the only thing that can save you.

you can't expect i know what the exam will be about because a) i've never had the possibility to be held back and b) certainly not in english. i don't know how these exams are done, which exercises there will be and which there won't be. that's what you need to know and then tell me so i can work better with you.

i feel like nothing is organized, here. i feel like he expected me to wave some kind of magic wand and rearrange everything. i'm sorry but that's not what i do, i'm not mary poppins.

i really hope he'll change next year or he'll be seriously held back and that's nothing i can do, in that case.

it won't be my fault. at all.

i can't spend all the summer in milan, my body can't. this is not a post about holidays or things like that, this is about plain survival. i can't spend the whole summer here, it's too hot and we don't have aircon and i feel like i'm going crazy.

my body can't sleep, eat or do anything at all. i can't study - i have exams in september - or i can't even watch a movie or something. i feel like my body is slowly becoming less and less strong, i fear that my body is slowly becoming less and less strong.

i can't go on like this. i can't go on not sleeping or not doing anything at all because it's too fucking hot.

i need to get away. i need to go to a place where i can breathe because i feel like i'm going to have another panic attack if i still can't sleep. the only thing my body seems to wanting to do is cry and my mom keeps telling me to stop it because it's stupid, i can't cry just because it's too hot.

apparently, mom, i can.

and i can't stop.

i don't sleep, i can't do anything and i keep crying. my body can't go on like this, it needs to rest and actually work.

i just wish i could my scholarship money to go away, like in the mountain or even outside italy because people can't live like this until october. it's insane, it's just too hot.

and people on tv saying it's finally summer need to stop right now because there are others who don't reacr well to heat. how many old people die every summer just because it's too hot? is that good, eh? and the only thing they say to you is: don't go out when it's too hot.

that's like the whole fucking day, you idiots!

i don't even know what i'm writing; i don't know if it makes sense, if it's english or an unknown language. i feel like i'm about to explode or something like that.

i just want to sleep, ok? is that so impossibile? is that too much to ask? i wish i had the money to go away because i'd leave italy without second thoughts. I was not made for this kind of weather, i don't know my heritage or where i come from, but i know i can't have been made for this. summer looks just unnatural to me, something i could really do without.

and now i have to go drink some water because i've been crying and i'm afraid to be dehydrated. i don't want to fucking die just because of some fucking hot wind from africa, ok? i want to be better than that.

i swear i'm going to move to fucking iceland if this heat doesn't stop.

no, thank you africa but we don't want your horribly hot winds. we're in fucking milan ffs