avrelia

I mean, let’s face, I am not going to write about my worries. They are pretty much the same.

So, let’s try book thing.

Most of these past months came under the banners of Ilona Andrews. I was recommended their books for years, and finally the time was right, and I started with the Innkeeper’s Chronicles and adored them. Then I moved to The Edge stories and finally bought the newest book (and read it). Enjoyed it all quite a lot, and moved on to something else. (it is nice to know I have yet a lot of them to read later, same as I still have a lot of Terry Pratchett books to read).

Then I pushed my book club to read Possession by A.S. Byatt, since I really wanted to read it, but thought I would never go through without proper motivation. I was right. It was hard to get into, poetry in English is still impenetrable to me. (I can read, but I don’t feel it the same I can in Russian and it frustrates me too much).

At the end for two months I swam inside this novel, taking breaks and coming back to it, and I quite enjoyed the experience. It would be nice to go back and re-read it some day, and see if I can pick it up more meanings, but even if not, it was great. I am glad I did it. Except I can’t say much about the novel itself, only about my own experience reading it, which is in itself telling something, I am not sure what.

Some books I read while reading Possession.

The Summer War by Naomi Novik. It was nice, but it didn’t stay with me. I almost forgot about it until I saw it mentioned here, among my friends.


The Swan's Daughter: A Possibly Doomed Love Story by Roshani Chokshi – A sweet confection that I read in a day and forgot immediately.

The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst – another sweet confection that I wasn’t able to read for reasons I cannot discern. Maybe I’ll try again later.

The Undead: A Novel of Modern Russia by Svetlana Satchkova. Not a confection and definitely not sweet. But it was written by my childhood friend. We have a complicated friendship since 1983. (Complicated in a good way, due to weird trajectories of our lives) So I had to read it. And - it is very good, though rather painful and difficult at times. I am so tired to read all kinds of nonsense about Russia produced without ever talking to anyone who lived there. This book is not AN ULTIMATE RUSSIAN PRIMER, but a good, sad and honest look by a person who lived it.

The Everlasting by Alix E. Harrow. I loved this book madly. If you go on Tumblr and search for it, you will find a lot of praise for its central love story. And it is fair – as far as time-traveling romances go, it is the best, and I rate it very high among all other romances as well. But this book is so much more than a romance. Other types of relationships play role no less important than a romantic love. And yet what is even more important to me – it is about meaning of history and historical narratives and nation-building, and propaganda, and what price we can pay to have meaning… The book is timely as well as timeless in the best way possible. It lives in my brain, and I hope I can convince you give it a try, maybe it will live in yours, too.

I am alive and well, no worries, my grave is metaphorical so far, and yet, for years, having heard this expression for the first time ever I felt it.

It was this musical video that made it happen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJcG1JXidvU


It is a bit hard to explain. The video has bits and pieces of private lives of various judges in Russia, pulled from their social accounts and their professional ones. Was any privacy laws broken here? Probably.

The judges in question (I didn’t check everyone, but that’s not the point here) were involved in recent political cases in Russian courts, and let’s say it, their judgments were not that just. More like overwhelmingly unjust and cruel, even when technically made according to law. But more often according to political demand.

The song that accompanies the video talks about threads of fate and no guarantees for them when the time comes for another turn of the political wheel. It is set on a melody of a well-known and really old song and has both ear-worming and chilling effect.

AI is heaving used for making the video, but this is exactly the use I find creative.

So why did I feel that way? I’ve been here a long time, and maybe somebody of the old friends remember that I used to be a lawyer. And when I got my law degree, more than 25 years ago, in another century, in another world, I dreamed of being a judge. I wanted to serve my county. I believed in justice and fairness and that the system will work for the people if we have better laws and follow those laws honestly.

I interned at the Moscow city court, and I loved it.

The path from law school to becoming a judge in Russia was a pretty straightforward. I dropped from the shortest path almost immediately for a combination of reasons. I found another job and was quite happy with it, then I found myself living abroad and the dream slowly died. For years I, with some sadness, wondered what if I did fulfilled that dream, what my life would look like. Same as I wondered about my parallel universe life as a historian.

In 2022 all the parallels crossed and all the universes collapsed into one present reality and I was happy that my dreams stayed dreams. Well. Not HAPPY. But I very much not wanted to be a judge in Moscow right now.

And this little video and this catchy song brought afresh the terror – would I be if my dreams came true? Would that young optimistic, justice-minded me become state-minded automaton with rotten soul or a money-driven carefree corrupt sell-out? What case would have become too much?

it is pretty obvious that a death of a leader doesn't always change regime for the better.

but occasionally it did. If a leader was so big and so repressive that nobody wanted to continue the mess.

I am grateful for people in my life.

This year my costume is of an angry tired Russian woman of an undetermined age. Soon enough I won't even have to pretend being Baba Yaga.

(Actually I am a young fairy princess, full of hope, optimism and sharp teeth. Hahahaha)


is it me or is it world, but I see much fewer decorated houses. It might have been our move, but I am not sure about that, for we haven't really moved, and I can see both the old place and the new place.

I did, however, do my Halloween reading well in advance. Mostly because I didn't regard it as Halloween reading, but something that struck my fancy.

Diavola by Jennifer Thorne - about mean Italian ghost torturing an American family, and the family is way scarier than the ghost, even if the ghost was more powerful. it's funny and disturbing more than scary

Bewitching by Silvia Moreno-Garcia. New England and Mexican witches and a cool protagonist. Very sad, autumn-y feel, even if the "present time" story happens over summer break.

as a human brain likes finding its patterns, I found a huge similarity between the books. ( Huge spoiler )


I also unexpectedly watched a K-drama on Netflix - "Genie Make a wish" Reminded me a lot of the Lucifer tv series for its supernatural family drama flair. But it was very pretty, occasionally hilarious, occasionally emotional, and I could see the actors were enjoying the silliness.

But I am here, and I am 49. It is a weird number of years. I am still a work in progress, dreaming of becoming someone more interesting...

It seems that I managed to disturb the local online Russian-speaking community today by asking what I thought to be an innocent question: "should I go to Daniel's high school graduation?" I don't really plan to skip it, but Daniel seems lukewarm about the whole thing, and the Senior Awards last week was full of profoundly long and boring speeches, and lasted three hours, and I imagined the graduation ceremony to be twice as long. But as I asked I thought the answers would be "go, it would be great!" instead I feel people are ready to report me to child services for daring to consider skipping one ceremony.

I am planning to go, at the very least I am curious to present at the graduation. I mean mostly I am familiar with the process through movies and tv, and how likely is that our town’s mayor will turn into a giant snake during Daniel’s graduation?

His prom was already not at all like all the movies. He just went by himself and danced with his friends and had a good time. And at midnight I went and picked him up from school.

But given that I shall have also George's elementary school farewell, it would all be rather exhausting, honestly. In truth, I am overwhelmed with all the graduation activities this month for both of my kids, and there are so many events for both of them! it's crazy – and the school theater, and soccer end of the season.

I don't think I've missed any of Daniel's ceremonies in all his school life. But for many people it seems there is just one event one cannot miss – the high school graduation, which is something I don’t understand. I don’t feel, to be honest, it to be that much of an achievement. I don’t want to minimize Daniel’s efforts and the work he did, really, but it feels strange that missing everything yet coming to the graduation means one is a good parent, but missing graduation equals being a bad parent and traumatizing one’s child forever.

I am probably too alien still.

I remember my graduation day. It was a milestone, but mostly for spending last day and night with my classmates. I don’t even remember whether my parents were there. I think not, it wasn’t a big deal for me, their presence there. I loved having that day to myself.

the title I can't translate from Russian. Or, I can but it won't express my feelings exactly.

things are happening.

went to walk the dog in a park, brought about several dozens of ticks with us.

I mean... that is just life.

doing our presentation on Russia tomorrow.

is there such a thing as "just life"?

Maybe trilobites had it. maybe we have no idea about the advanced society they had for millions of years.

everything is stardust

don't mind it

мучительно ощущаю время
уходящее
закрываю глаза и забываю
настоящее

закрываю глаза и проваливаюсь
в ту Москву
что знала мой оптимизм и не знала
мою тоску

сколько надежд было, сколько
путей-дорог
были мечты и планы, не было
вечных тревог

но кажется нынче, что дорога
была одна
куда бы я ни пошла, на пути
ждала война

то застыну в скорби и гневе
то делаю шаг
вперед. то закрываю глаза и придумываю
что все не так

There used to be a joke in Russia that the government only need enough people to ensure the oil is flowing without interruptions to be sold. Then I realized it was not a joke.

Now, in USA, it feels that people with billions of dollars only need people to extract money from them. and labor. as soon as there is no money or labour left to extract, they can be fired. So now those people are trying to run the government the same way.
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Not only they are firing people from government positions reducing them to abstract numbers without care about what those people are actually doing, they are trying to fire the population. To keep the bare minimum "for efficiency".
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and the question they seem to be asking "why do we need all those people?" not caring that it is not people who are there for the government, it is the government is here for the people. or should be. The asinine idea of running country as a company is not doing favors to anyone.