autumneffie82

When you lose someone, some say you gotta let them go. It's harder to let them go when they still have ties to your heart. When you lose someone to death, it is hard and you think how much your life is changed by them not being here. When you lose someone to love you have to think about them moving on and living with out you. It seems simple, but when you really think about it, it's extremely hard. It's hard to think that one day they will be waking up and looking at someone the way that they once looked at you. To imagine them making new memories and a new life with someone that was supposed to be you. All the things that you talked about, and all the plans that you made... all gone, in the wind. It's not to say that one day, you will have someone treat you the way you should be treated, and to say all the things that you've longed to hear, but knowing that you are having to find someone else to do those things were because the one you were with decided that you weren't worth all of those things anymore.

You know down deep that you are the one who deserves better, but for some reason it's easier to believe that you are the one who is the screw up. That you are the one who is unlovable, the one who will never be able to find that one person to make truly happy. That one person that when you push, they push back. They show you that you are worth fighting for, instead of saying that you are, and when it comes down to it never actually fighting. That one person that no matter what walls and what decoys you have put up to protect yourself, always seems to climb over, or break through. Not the one that busts in, but the one that once they are in, will help you tear down your walls, one stone at a time. Once they have helped tear down all of the walls, helps you walk over the rubble into the true daylight so you can see all the good things there are to be had together. Not the one who runs and hides behind other people, or other feelings, but the one who shows you true feelings. The one who can stroke your face, and touch your heart. The one that can see through any fake smile and not pry, but holds you and you know that it's all going to be alright. The one who puts you before anyone else, no matter the price, bc you are worth it.

Even when you have doubts that these people do exist, look inside yourself, and realize, you are of a rare breed. You do deserve to be with someone that will treat you with all the love and respect that could ever be shown to any one person, to treat you how you long to treat the one you love. The way that you saw your parents and grandparents treat each other. True love seems like a mysthical animal, but it does exist. I have felt true love, and one day, I hope that I too will find this love again.

I hate when people say things and when you give your opinion they change what they originally said. I hate drunk people. I hate when people are rude for no reason. I hate when people bitch about other people, then turn around and do what they were just bitching about. I hate liars. I hate cheaters. I hate two-faced people. I hate the smell of bleach. I hate the smell of gas. I hate inconsiderate people. I hate them smell of tobacco, smoked or chewed. I hate having morning breath. I hate being anxious. I hate when people ask your opinion and then make fun of you for your views. I hate politics. I hate feeling lonely. I hate being a procrastinator. I hate not feeling appreciated. I hate the smell of cat shit and piss. I hate that some of the things I want most in life I can't have. I hate that I want things I can't have. I hate that I've been a cheater. I hate that I have feelings for people who don't have them in return. I hate that I don't know what I want to do with my life.

I am so confused in my life and it bugs the hell out of me... I mean I know that there are times in every ones life where they get a little lost or come to a "fork" on the road. That seems normal enough, but to be told that more then likely you won't be able to get pregnant, and if you do there is a slim chance that you can carry to full term. That's a lot to swallow. I mean it sucks! All my life I've wanted at least 1 child just to know what it's like and to see what all the jazz is about, but to think that that dream has been taken away makes me sick to my stomach. Makes me wonder why I am here on this earth.

I haven't found anyone that wants to be with me for more then anything then sex at this point, which was fine for a while, but I want to be loved, to be told that I am beautiful. To wake up to a sweet kiss on the cheek. To have someone to cuddle up next to after I've had a bad dream. All the things that most people take for granted I want. I want to thank God daily for them. To have someone to come home to at the end of a crappy day. I want THIS, but for some reason it is out of reach after every door and window that has been opened for me. 

I hook up with an old flame and I'm almost a month late. I'm freaked out and a little excited, but too freaked to take a test. I know that it sounds stupid, but It's the truth! We slept together, then he left, he text one time that same day, and I haven't heard a word from him since. After all of this if I am pregnant, it has to be from someone that doesn't want to be with me and I know if he knew I was pregnant it wouldn't change a thing. So, I am so confused at what my life is supposed to be about? To be alone, and possibly to raise child alone?? I just want answers, but apparently not bad enough to find them for myself.

Hi, I am very new to this community, but I need some help. Maybe you can give me an outside points of view to my situation?
This ended up being longer then intended, and if this isn't the right place for this please forgive me and delete it.

I have been talking to a guy that lives a state away, that I was introduced to through mutual friends. Only we haven't met in person. It hasn't worked out where we were off at  the same time I have a crazy schedule or if we were off we had prior engagements. So we have been talking about 2 months now through phone calls, text and IMing so we can web cam. He took a weeks vaca this last week and was going to come and see me for a couple of days. On the morning he was supposed to be leaving he messaged me, knowing that I would be asleep since I work night shift, and told me that his job had called and there is an emergency he was going to have to deal with it, but he was still planning on coming. I got the message about 10 minutes after he sent it, and told him I understood, I still couldn't wait to see him. The day went on, and we messaged back and forth until he told me that he wasn't going to be able to make it Tue. he was shooting for Wed. Okay, I was a little upset, but at least I was still going to get to meet him. Needless to say, he went out with some of his friends Tue night, didn't call and only messaged to reply that he was out. Wed came and went, and still nothing, he didn't show up and didn't message until later to tell me yet again he had went out. Thursday he was all about me... stayed at home to talk to me blah blah, knowing that I came back to work on Thursday, so he wouldn't be able to come anyways.

We talked through things on Thursday, I told him I felt like he had lied to me and used his job as an excuse. He denied, said he was sorry that I felt that way, but he would always be honest. I know how he feels about his job, and know that they do screw him around quite often. As far as I know he has always been honest with me, and it hasn't always been something that made him look good, so he had nothing to benefit from telling me. *side note* *He has been talking to a  girl for a few months longer then me that's from TX as well. He isn't looking for anything serious nor am I, but I really like him, and could see him being someone I would have something long term with if I was looking. Anyhow, shes always around, they do have sex, but not often.*  Friday there is a camping trip that he is going on and she is going with him. I voiced my opinions, but I really have no place since we aren't committed. I'm not a jealous person, but something about her makes me crazy knowing she is with him. It makes me crazy because he doesn't want her to go off on him about talking to me, even though the agreement when getting together was dating, and seeing other people. He knows that she has stronger feelings for him then he does for her, but she knew the situation beforehand. The weekend before last she asked if they could move in together and apparently caused a huge fight, since he didn't see that coming. So, things are rocky there. He doesn't talk to me about their relationship, and I am glad, it's not like he talks bad about her. Not like when a married man is trying to get with you and gives you a sob story about his horrible wife.

So, since she is all about drama he doesn't message me from thurs-sun usually. If he does it's when he is at work or driving home. Ok this is more detailed than I thought. The whole problem is, as mad as I get at him about not talking to me during that time, I still think about him and can't wait until he does call. Something about him just melts me. I know that it sounds insane since we haven't met, but it's true. I just want to meet him so we will know for sure if we have feelings for each other. So he ended up not going on the camping trip since he was had a bad sore throat. I learned this tonight. I haven't talked to him since Thursday. I asked if she stayed at his house and that's why he didn't call or even TM me. He said that she came over and hung out for a little while on saturday, but that was pretty much it. Then we talked about how he said he misses me when he doesn't get to talk to me. I told him it was his choice he knew my # and he knew he could call me anytime. So, yes he is a smooth talker, but I have been in relationships before well, almost every relationship I have had was where I was never put 1st or even really treated as a part of the relationship. I was merely a piece of ass, or a piece of property.

He doesn't treat me that way, he tells me the truth and he is upfront, it isn't like he is hiding anything from me. I think if we lived closer the situation would be different. That's part of the reason we are really wanting to meet, to see if one of us should relocate. Although I just want to see if I am being completely stupid. NO, I'm not going to run home and pack my bags to move to TX, he would have to meet me in the middle over some things first. Like I said we haven't even met, I know things will be different once we do. Either we will like each other so much we will be inseparable, or we will remain friends. I think that if we meet and hit it off, chica from TX is done anyways. He has told me if it came to a choice she would be gone since he feels like there is no actual connection, and they are looking for different things. I just want to know if I am being as stupid as I feel I am sometimes. I haven't put reality on hold, I have been on dates and things like that since we have been talking. I'm not in love with him or feel like I have to wait for him or anything like that, I would just like someone to confirm or deny, for that matter, that I am probably being played.

So I don't feel that I am a bad person. I would be better described as a good person who sometimes makes bad choices. Even though I may not feel the choices are bad, really I know that they are. I don't need someone standing over me telling me I am a horrible person and I will get what I have coming... blah blah blah. I know that some of the things that I do in my spare time are not up to par with some people, and yes for the record I do feel bad, but I truly have a curse when it comes to relationships and I think this is my way of getting around all of it? "An out" if you will. Also to be fair I am not the only person that is involved, but i did agree. Maybe I am an even worse person since there is more then 1? IDK I'm so confused at how I should feel about all of it. I can say that if I was with someone and they were cheating on me then hell yes I would be upset and hurt and all of those things.

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I am sitting at work and some thoughts came to mind that truly disgust me... it amazes me, yet discourages me at the same time that some people in the world are the worst in every way. Murderers that never get caught, rapists that never have to pay and so on and so forth. Don't get me wrong I know that some people do get caught, but in my opinion not nearly enough of them! The reason for my rant is this: these people mentioned above, what are they? In a word Scum. Then there are these people that would and do give the shirts from their backs and what happens to them? They die horrible deaths, cancer, car wrecks, house fires, murdered. I really don't understand? WHY?! I was raised in a very religious home for the most part and we were told "never to question God!" Well sometimes I really just can't help it! I mean, I don't usually direct my anger towards God, but why? My grandmother was a solid christian for more than 50 years of her life and she died a painful cancerous death. Still on her death bed thanking God? I still to this day don't understand it... but maybe there is a side that I haven't seen or possibly a side that I haven't considered? To me, I would rather see "justice" in a form that no human could ever inflict on these rapists and child killers! In my opinion there is nothing that holds light close to "the wrath of God!" So why? Why do these people that we love and love us have to die like that? Uhggg ! the more that I type about it the madder I get LOL so.... That is all