I said goodbye to my son.
Ode Sample August 22 2015 - April 4th 2026.
I’m grateful for all the moments I realized that we weren’t going to be together forever.
Off the coast of Australia Macroctopus caught the shark, wrapped all its tentacles around it and soon released it. Most likely, he scraped all the parasites off her.
The octopus
me when i fucking get u
August first. Secret Posting Joe. Yall dont tell nobody, this is to be able to look back in the event that this turns out better than expected.
Okay like I question if im addicted to his presence like i was drugs and alcohol. I question just about everything I like now a days anyway.
Im very surprised hes shown up this many times, in the past, with strong feelings, its been over by now and im left in a state of dishevelment He is different, and its a disservice to compare him to the others. But I feel like ill continued to be surprised, pleasantly.
He presence is silence to me. The world gets quite. I crave that.
He asks questions, often about how I feel about situations with a certain genuine quality I haven't found often. Not like a therapist but like hes actually trying to understand how my mind works. Its refreshing.
He's gentle, I want to see him get angry though. I don't want to provoke him or anything but im curious to see frustration, and maybe sadness. I wonder if hes the kind to retreat inward or seek comfort outside. I wonder if id be able to comfort him.
I asked him if he had any flowers in his yard and he said yeah one kind. I told him I would like one and he came through. A hydrangea, my grandmother always had hydrangeas. I'll take that as a sign. (I do have a hydrangea on my arm so grain of salt of course.)
He's special.
I did tell him I loved him. I clarified with "Well like im not like in love with you" whatever tf that means. I have love for him.
I'll think about him for the rest of my life, and probably long after that. I know that in my spirit.
August 11th. I ive seen Joe twice since I posted, he came over and I made him 2 grilled cheese and some fries, I gave him my movie library and he put on Grey Gardens. I love Little Edie and ive always felt akin to her and how her mind works. It was sweet. We watched the scene where shes like "Ive gotta find this libra man" and I just looked at Joe and he smiled.
Recently moving across the country I dont really have the resources to cook him dinner the way I would want to, with food id like to impress him with, but I take solace in the fact that hes here at my grilled cheese. He accepts me at my grilled cheese. We cuddled on the couch and I held him, he told me its weird for him to be little spoon so I squeezed him harder and asked if he would like to switch. He said no pretty quickly.
Last week I started reading a book about anxious attachment style and learned quite a bit about myself. Being sober now a lot is "thawing" inside of me and im learning why I spent most of my time drunk and/or high. And it has to do with inconsistent comfort in my childhood among other things. I couldn't figure out why my insides felt as though they were on fire when he wasn't texting me right away or didn't immediately laugh at the dumb stuff I sent him. Im deeply terrified that hes going to abandon me. But its not fair to put all of this on him when he has never given me a reason to doubt him. Im learning to self soothe from within and im making pretty good work out of it thus far.
Anyway
Thursday he told me hes going camping for the weekend and I almost shit. I felt sick!!!! I wasn't going to hear from him all weekend, what if he died, what if he was leaving me. But I had a few tools at my disposal to work though it. I asked to see him and he offered coffee.
745 AM Friday I drag my ass out of bed to see him, he picks me up and kisses me. We got coffee "drip coffee no room" my underwear is wet, my exact order. Gracious. We sat, I explained to him my anxious attachment, I explained a lot, and he listened. A little sparkle in his eye as if he knew what i was talking about and he felt comforted in my story and maybe he wasnt alone in feeling that way. He told me he shares the same feelings.
I asked him if he could like check in with me while he was away, I didnt want to add any stress or take away from his fun so, if he had the chance, and he did. YA HEAR THAT EVERYBODY HE DID! he told me when he got to the campsite, he sent a photo of him the next day and then the following day, when my anxiety was at its peak texted me and told me he was home. YALL HE HEARD ME. he made me feel so seen and heard I could have cried. I definitely had a little wetness of the eyes when he told me he got to where he was going. I gave him space to enjoy his weekend like he deserves and the check ins he gave me means everything to me.
It was so little and so small of an act that made me feel heard and accepted.
Ive never in my life been so certain of someone, less afraid of failure than I have before. I want to marry him, ive never said that before but I feel it in the joints of my arms and my collar bones that he is right, I feel it in my spirit. Im past infatuation, whether one year from now or fifty, I will be marrying him.
Im certain of him. Im ready to accept the bumps in the road, detours, i accept the struggles of the path ahead and im ready to face them head on. With patience, understanding, and forgiveness for whatever may come but i will not let him go easy. This i am certain of. He will be my endgame.
is gooning simply a fetishization of loneliness and alienation and thus yet another byproduct of late-stage capitalism segamascott gets the scoop more at 11
