Are You Game?

Title: Just Think Of All The Stuff You Could Get Done With More Than One Of You
Author/Artist: murderershair on LJ/DW, HannaM
 on AO3
Rating: Mature (non-explicit sex, sexual situations)
Warnings: Mildly dubious consent of the sex pollen variety
Word count: 1490
Prompt: Kid Icarus Uprising, Pitto/Pit: selfcest - are we really that desperate
Summary: After an experiment with Viridi's flowers goes awry, Pitto shows up with an indecent proposal for Pit.

"Are we really that desperate?"

Pitto (Dark Pit just sounded way too cool for the guy) rolled his eyes. "I'm not desperate. You're the one that spends all his time being Palutena's yes-man."

"I am not a yes-man!" Pit said indignantly. "I mean, I'm saying no right now! I say no plenty of times! I just happen to be a much more agreeable person that you. Ask anyone."

"Nah." Pitto flexed his wings, probably just to be annoying. It was so not fair that he got to fly whenever he wanted. He didn't even need to fly! All Pitt's double did was… wait, Pitt actually had no idea.

"What do you do all day?" Pit blurted out. "You know, when you're not being weirdly helpful or antagonistic. I assumed you crashed at Viridi's place, but when I was there you weren't."

Pitto smirked. "Let's just say I'm out doing all the things you wish you could do."

"That… doesn't actually answer my question."

"Never mind, goody-two shoes."

Pitto rolled his eyes again, and Pit couldn't help commenting, "If you do that too much, they're gonna stick that way."

"Did Miss Know-It-All Goddess tell you that?" Pitto snorted. "No wonder you're not banging anybody."

Pit blinked. "Banging? That sounds kinda… violent."

Pitto gave him a flat stare. "Banging. Screwing. Had sex with. Don't tell me you don't know what sex is."

"I know what sex is!" Pit said indignantly. "But you have to take me out to dinner first."

"I'm not taking the loser version of myself out anywhere!" Pitto snapped. "I might as well be a loser by association."

"Technically," Pit pointed out, "since you're me, aren't you already a loser by association?" Wait, had he just admitted he was a loser? Darn it!

Pitto glared at him silently.

"And hey, wait a minute, something doesn't add up. Either you think I'm a loser and you are that desperate, or you're not that desperate but you actually do want to… do stuff with me. Sex stuff."

"Look," Pitto growled, "it's not like you're my first choice. Viridi's worried her stupid pollen experiment will be ruined if she gets involved personally, and I'm not bringing a human into this. It's not gonna do anything worse to you than it does to me, and you haven't got anything I haven't seen already, so let's just get this over with."

"That's not exactly a convincing argument, but if it really is going to kill you…" Pit hesitated. "Okay, fine, but we're not ever telling anyone that my first time was with myself, especially not Lady Palutena."

"Oh, don't worry, there is no way I'm admitting to this in public," Pitto muttered. At least he didn't say anything mean about Pit's virginity, so that was something.

Pit wasn't actually sure what to do after that, so he was secretly kind of relieved when Pitto just grabbed him and kissed him.

Kissing was… wet. And it kinda tickled.  Pit had to pull away to wipe his mouth.

Pitto crossed his arms and glared. "Don't just stand there with your mouth closed!"

"Why would I open my mouth?" Pit was genuinely curious.

"Are you serious? Ugh, never mind. Just take off your stupid shorts."

Pit gave him a suspicious look. "You first."

Pitto made a noise somewhere between a growl and scream, and yanked off his dark shorts. "There, happy? Look, I've had Viridi's crazy flower dust up my nose and everywhere the sun don't shine for hours. I am starting to get impatient, and you won't like me when I'm impatient. Do I have to tear your precious clothes off you?"

"Wayy too much information," Pit said, wrinkling his nose, but he wriggled out of his shorts anyway. "So is it an airborne poison or- HEY!"

Pitto had dropped to his knees and grabbed Pit by the back of his thighs. Before Pit could come up with even a stupid reason for this, Pitto pushed up Pit's tunic and grabbed his junk.

"What are you- hey, that's not for eating! Oh. Oh… okay. Okay, wow."

Pitto paused to gave him a smug look, before taking more of Pit's dick into his mouth.

This was, Pit thought dizzily, the weirdest experience. Pitto's eyes were half closed, but he looked almost… happy. Could pollen really make Pitto want to do this? And wait, since Pitto was him on some level, did this mean some part of Pit had thought of this?

"Lady Palutena!" Pit gasped, and spent himself.

Pitto wiped his mouth and scowled up at him. "Really? She was your first thought?"

"Uh, sorry. I shout that a lot." Pit was a little distracted by what was visible even under Pitto's tunic. "Do you… need help with that?"

"Yeah, actually, I do." Pitto was breathing a little heavier than usual, he thought. "Stuff's not out of my system yet. And believe me, I've tried using my hand. A lot."

Well, there went Pit's first two ideas. "So I have to do the mouth thing too?" He felt a bizarre mixture of anxiety and thrilled at the thought.

"I'll take any friction I can get at this point," Pitto growled. "Use your imagination."

Pit squatted down and gingerly moved Pitto's black tunic until he could see the root of the issue, so to speak. His first impulse was to grab his own business and tap Pitto's with a loud 'Boop!' but he was pretty sure that wouldn't go over well. "I'm… just going to start with my hand while I think, okay? That looks painful."

Pitto muttered something under his breath that sounded like begrudging acceptance, so Pit scooted over and put his hand on Pitto's leg. Well, here goes.

It was not an angle Pit was used to, obviously, which threw him off a little, but it helped that in this, at least, Pitto was visibly identical to him. He knew from hands on experience (but not too much! he wasn't a pervert!) what Pitto was going to like.

It was… interesting, seeing Pitto make all sorts of faces Pit had never known they were capable of. Pitto was starting to visibly sweat, and Pit realized he was getting kinda turned on. Had it always been this hot in here, or what?

"It's probably," Pitto gasped, "g-getting to you too now."

"Yeah, you're really- wait, what?"

"Viridi's pollen! You're hard again, right?"

This was true, but Pit still had enough circulation left over to blush.

"This is what happens when you spent all your time with a goddess of light," Pitto grumbled. He grabbed Pit's shoulder and kissed him again, forcefully, and this time Pit was dazed enough to open his mouth. Which was probably not the best idea because now he could actually taste Viridi's weird pollen. Or maybe that was actually his own- okay, repressing that thought right now, because that was definitely not doing things to him.

(It was totally doing things to him)

Pitto was basically pushing him down by this point, grinding against Pit's leg. Even hot and desperate Pit thought this was amazingly inefficient, and managed to pry Pitto off him long enough to realign their bodies in the crotchal region.

"Hey, look at that, you finally had an idea of your own," Pitto panted.

"I have- ah! plenty of ideas- ooh! of my own!" Pit yanked his double's hair and used Pitto's surprise to leverage his weight against him and get on top of him.

In some distant part of his brain that wasn't entirely focused on his own needs, Pit had expected this to piss Pitto off. He definitely had not expected Pitto to moan and finish right then and there.

"Hey, don't close your eyes! Don't go to sleep! I helped you!" Pit grabbed Pitto's shoulders and shook him back and forth until his double's red eyes opened again and glared at him.

"I'm done. Go find your precious Palutena if you need more."

Pit covered his face. "No, are you crazy? That would just be- no!" Not that the idea wasn't... tempting. But he wasn't going to think about it because it was way more embarrassing than anything else, especially since he'd have to explain how he got infected with the pollen. And then the teasing would never, ever stop. "Pitto?"

"Don't call me that."

"Have I ever told you how awesome you are?"

"Seriously, not gonna happen again."

"Aw, don't be like that, Pitto! Pitto?"

Aaaaand he was asleep.

Great.