angabella.

To preface, I know this is going to be a bit of a strange post, but its something I have to do. Hopefully it reaches the right people -- and hopefully it clears the air the way I've been promised it would.

So...I've been sober now for a bit over 2 years. There are a lot of changes that have come about in my life due to this -- many blessings and a complete sense of peace. I've become a different & better person by working the 12 steps & doing a lot of introspection. For a good 12 years I had sought the bottle as a solution to my fears and insecurities; I used alcohol in many forms to get out of myself, to give myself worth, to just feel DIFFERENT. I didn't like who I was sober & I thought that by drinking, I would become the perfect version of myself that I pictured in my head.

I also spent a lot of time here. I was lonely & through the ~*~magic~*~ of the internet & fandom, I found a group of friends who I could finally feel a part of, people who shared my obsessive nature & even encouraged it. It was intoxicating & wonderful & just -- everything fandom can be.

Of course, there's a dark side to everything, & as quickly as I fell in love with my new found inclusion, I craved more. The disease of alcoholism is like that, and I believe that I am an alcoholic in all things. I wanted MORE attention, MORE notoriety, MORE love & completion & validation from strangers, as well as the people I had grown to know more intimately. I grew bitter at times, jealous of people who I saw as fake, people who were getting what I desired. I acted out; I engaged in all that wank and backstabbing. I was a brat. I could hide behind my computer and be as cruel as I deemed necessary. I'd get hammered and act a fool & harass people by the dozens; make calls in the middle of the night. I was a mess & I'm sure it was evident.

Worse were the times that people let me into their heart & I manipulated them to get what I wanted. I've had people treat me so well; I've had online friends that I've met welcome me into their homes; I've had people save my life. I've received gifts & encouragement & love -- and I trampled all over it & threw away genuine friendships because I had no clue how to truly deal with life. I had no idea how to be a friend in return -- all I knew was how to take.

I can not simply apologize for those things -- there is no way to heal those old hurts, the scars will forever remain. But in taking responsibility for my actions, I hope that I can show intent. If I have harmed you in the past -- and there are so, so many of you that I know I have -- I'd like to offer to make it up if at all possible. If there's anything you want to say, please do. I'd like to wipe the slate clean, and though I know that might not be possible with all of you, I do hope it is for some.

Thank you for reading this, it means a lot to me. I hope all is well in everyone's world -- mine may not be perfect, but it is such a better place today than ever before. <3

So one of my ~Resolves for 2011 was to start reading books again -- one a week, ideally. This isn't actually that difficult of a task, but basically: I have shelves full of stuff I've either made it halfway through or bought and then never cracked open (or have, somehow, as a classic, but have never read). So I'm determined to make my way through them all -- if only so I can go to the bookstore to buy more.

So: Reviews! ( Collapse )

In other news: inception_bang is keeping me rolling in fic, work is keeping me busy/cranky/making some dough, & tumblr is taking up the slack in between. If you think I've been quiet or missing or anything...lol, yeah. No. I'm keeping tabs on y'all, never fear. Actually: chattiness is encouraged at the moment, hey!

& from here cuz it's still making me go <3____<3 FACE:

Yah, yah yah. It's almost midnight on NY eve, so no one is around to look at this, but maybe someone will want tomorrow afternoon while they're having a lazy hangover NY recovery day? Here are all my Yultide recs! They're pretty much what you'd expect me to be into, but, well. Here they are, as organized as possible:

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I also started to think about what I'd request if I ever signed up & came up with: Candyland backstory fic (alt to what came on the box, of course!); Roman Holiday photog POV; & Arthur vs Barney over a tailor. Maybe bonus Robin & Arthur gun!porn discussion thrown in. And Butters/Kenny, of course.


HAPPY NEW YEARS, BTW!<33333333

Watched Brick (after 3 years of hkath telling me too), and also 500 days of summer.

I WANT ONE, GIMMIE.

Also, windandcoffee and I just finished the Take. MURDER SHAKESPEAREAN TRAGEDY FAM. I want more, gimmie.

But so here are fics I finished reading but refused to close because they were good enough that i wanted to share -- even if i'm late to the ball. All Arthur/Eames, all prob porny -- hold your shock and awe, please.

Aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi by frantic_allonsy (say that five times fast) Sooooo. I totally skimmed the beginning part, but whatever -- the middle had me gasping at how hot it was while pretty much bawling at how much pain & tragedy was wrapped up in the act. Loved it.

les dés sont pipés by frantic_allonsy. hold up, this is prob how i found THAT one. HOT HOT RIDICULOUSLY HOT fingering porn. I suppose this means i should add this person to my flist, huh? AND I THINK SHE HAS A ZOMBIE AU ONE, TOO. Be my new bestie?

oh wait. but i'm still going through all of these fics by epistolic. I think she's my fave author so far in this fandom. I read a (surprise!) deathfic by her today & ngl, i love anyone who has the balls to tackle that and not just write fluff, but really dig into the depressing shit. Anyways, still reading bit by bit, but mama likes.

Hello, I Love You, Won't You Tell Me Your Name by eleveninches. This is cute & hot & CUTE, somehow. I'm not even sure why I loved it so much, but I did.

I have a whole bunch of these fics by tequilideas opened in tabs to read & I guess I should wait till I DO to rec them, but...I wouldn't have opened if I didn't think her dialogue was witty & awesome & amazing.

This ridiculous kink meme Regency fill which I love mostly for the format of the epilogue. SO CLEVER. All swoonworthy (tho kinda rushed in places) but it's the shaving kink that got me the most. UNF KNIFEPORN JFC.

oh, & How Do You Talk to a Point Man by eleveninches, as well. SMOLDERING but also hysterical and precious and jfc, all slash-fic biys are emotionally crippled communicationwise. But the S/d to it is gfhdjks yeah.

Ok, I think I'm done now. Feel free to share things I missed (esp things like smoking breathplay gunporn OMGGG), obviously.

The past few days have been pretty good to me. Here is why:

• On Thursday afternoon, I found a new $5 theater and they're playing The Town, which I will see next week when I'm back up in Delray. I ALSO found a dollar planner & calender that I wanted, so woo.
  
  
• THEN I was waiting for the bus and got a phone call. The owner of this one jewelry place in the mall that I stopped at called me back and asked me to come in Sunday to try it out and see if it's a job I'd wanna do. So...yessss, I'm going in tomorrow and might have shifts starting this week!
  
  
• Also! I found out that there is a Taco Bell opening up the street from me. The only other one was like an hour-long, two-bus ride away. This will be FIVE MINUTES up the street. Ahhhh, Cheesy Gordita Crunch Heaven, here I come.
  
  
• And I had another interview (for Claire's) yesterday. It went really well, I think. Like. The girl was way easy to talk to and I feel like I sold myself well and seriously, how easy would it be to sell stuff to 12 year olds all day? I'm such a teeny-bopper inside, anyways, so...I dunno, I'm happy to have a back-up plan. I think I'll know on Monday.
  
  
• Plus, I bought a bag of chocolate covered pretzels for a buck and have been listening to Selena's new cd for three days straight. It's all boppy and cheerful and Intuition is really cute. I need that kind of anthem these days.
  
  
• And today, my mom took me shopping and I got a few new things for whatever I start. They're pretty! And I've been window shopping and I found a Betsey necklace I want, but I can't find it online. (I did find this one, tho. CUTE.)
  
  
• Anton. unf unf unnnnnnnf.
  
  
• I decided I want a Oz tattoo, but only if it was an image by the original illustrator, W. W. Denslow. And in doing my research, I discovered that he TOTALLY shipped the Scarecrow & the Tinman, like. For real. And I decided that his signature seahorse (look near the bottom) would be really cool, maybe behind one ear.
  
  
• Ummmmmm. & these two. But it's kinda like J2...only. More het. BUT LOOK HOW CUTE, OK? The schmoop is doing me good.
  
  

So yes. Things have been better.

One last call on this ~refriending~ post before I start locking my entries again. And do you want a comm to mod? SURE YA DO! Check this list.

I hope everyone's weekend is going well :)

Communities, who wants em?

• anton_rps -- sadly, never used. But I'm assuming hoping someone will wanna write fic someday. Using it to test a layout now.
  
  
• flatchesters -- this was an idea woodstarling & I cooked up. You know Flat Stanely? Well, Joolz was gonna draw Sam-N-Dean and laminate 'em so we could mail them around and get people to take pics with them in random places, then post to the community. But...she's lazy & so am I, so this was about as far as it got. I'd LOVE for someone more organized to take this on, I think it'd be a super-cool fandomwide project, especially since a lot of us have been together so long.
  
  (on a more realistic tip, if any fanartist wanted to draw cartoon b&w printable versions that people could print out/color/pose with themselves...that actually would make more sense.)
  
  
• theljprom & all affiliated sub-communities. I wanna offer this to afrocurl first, since it's what brought us together. I feel bad having this when other people might wanna plan a new one.
  
  
• lick_fic UM. This was maybe the first community I ever made (that layout, lolol)? But. Food porn! Kinda. I'm sure someone more active promotion-wise could get people posting there again.
  
  
• rps_spn_fic I don't think this is even ON my flist anymore. Real People + SPN characters. Fic, art, whatever. Someone's gotta be interested in that still, yeah?
  
  
• notnambla, superfake -- I would just delete these, but one of you might still want them to exist?
  
  
• squeakystrings -- any of you? the standard song-a-day music community. Take, join, share, w/e.

Second call for this post, if you missed it before and are wondering why I'm cleaning house.

I'm trying to reorganize ME and it's just. Not easy. I've changed the ways I've used this journal dozens of times, gone through fandoms and whims and flings and BFF 4-eva!!1! too many times to remember. So I'm just gonna reset, completely. I don't wanna NOT be arabella_hope, I just wanna start over, kinda.

& I've never really understood why people did this in the past, but I'm gonna do it. Not delete the memories I have here, or the friendships I've made -- but I am defriending everyone so I don't have a sense of guilt over spamming people who don't really want my shenannigans.

This isn't attention seeking or because I want to get rid of people -- it's just something I have to do to feel more comfortable with myself.

Comment & I'll add you back.