Delve into the Depths

but I cant do another 6 months without a routine for exercise and OMG the east doast humidity...

I. One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.

II. The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.

III. One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.

IV. The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one's own.

V. Beliefs should conform to one's best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one's beliefs.

VI. People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one's best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.

VII. Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

be nice as neutral but protect yourself. change laws when they are unjust. only you decide what happens to your body. anyone can offend anyone else. science is truth, updates itself when more is found. humans are human. principle of ideas matters more than confines of purview.

7 tenets

I am so hurt more so by his lack of remorse for injuring my feelings despite my clearly saying "this is very toxic and unacceptable but you obviously don't care" when he tells me to stop bothering him or he'll just take longer (threats of witholding affection); takes longer on purpose knowing that i have time anxiety already PLUS intentionally ignoring me for OTHER PEOPLE in his phone.

IT WAS SO TRIGGERING BECAUSE OF HOW ERIC WOULD REACT AS IF I WAS AUBREY BOTH OF THEM TOXIC

Luis can't even see his own behavior as problematic and retreats into escapism scrolling facebook/instagram, knowing that ignoring me is the most offensive. I feel like the insides of my head are sobbing and screaming but my face won't let it out.

he repeated the pattern that he got so used to with sydney stechman being a selfish liar NARCISSIST, just keep up pretense of everything being ok after the fight that you don't actually resolve because PLANS are in the way and you must show off the thing and be distracted instead of deal with it (we did have reservations but it's not like he attempted to communicate anything beforehand). 

i hate the tension between how i would handle the different relationship statuses: 

"married couple"='we need to talk about what you're not communicating because i can't enjoy this date and suddenly pretend we're fine while you're shutting me out. so when are you going to reflect and how much time do you need to figure out why you behaved like that? I will hold you to it or we will start looking for therapists if you can't/aren't willing to resolve conflicts with healthy communication. its not a threat; it's facing reality. I'm willing to support you if you actually acknowledge the problem and put in the work (not just say you want to), but i won't stick around for less than your full effort' versus 

"FWB ex-partner" = 'ignoring the need to resolve instantly or at least making a solid plan WHEN to do so, just put off until however long it takes you to "be ready to deal with it after therapy" so that i have no idea when to even expect it start to be addressed' as is his current MO...

which of course is all sydney stechmann the whore's fault for being a whore over a year ago and dumping more damage as well as triggering some DEEP trauma he had, and of course making it even harder for me to be freinds when he fell for everything despite me pointing out exactly what sydney stechmann was lying and being selfish about and then later saying he valued my opinion (but kept ignoring all the warnings, and this triggered me from my OWN trauma, which he was aware of!)

i don't know if he would believe me/agree that she knew exactly what damage she was doing to our partnership/friendship; sydney stechmann is a selfish lying cheating whore who never actually followed the values of healthy polyamory. also very BOUNDARY=the phones. I could never be partners with someone who allowed their other partner to see everything if I disagreed with their other relationships beign valid. sydney stechmann cheated and continued to take advantage of him for over a year while he kept wasting MONEY on couples' counseling (WHICH I TOLD HIM WAS THE WORST THING HE COULD DO WITH A NARCISSIST!!!), time and energy trying to fix what she DID NOT CARE ABOUT because sydney stechmann is a selfish lying cheating whore. she could have seen so much of our texts where i mentioned stuff years before she even knew luis and parts of my life when i wasn't even speaking to him. she could have known about my trauma with the narcissist and i woudln't put it past her to trigger me on purpose through Luis because she had to have known that he vented to me about most everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i wont deal with october saturday when i can't, and at least through march, and that will be a 6 months check in how much therapy he's had, what topics covered and any breakthroughs. make sure i'm still on the priority list at all revisiting the emails 1-3. I hope things with the house taxes are worked out more and balance down by february/march so the approach to May and getting through the spring anniversary season doesnt add to the damage pile .

i wont know until checking in if he'll even get to my stuff before may/june, but i need to focus all spoons on getting stable for finances and working to pay off chunks to cut down on the monthly loans. need to be mentally ok trying to work/get hired through winter and that will be draining, need to be regular schedule with work before looking at any of my stuff (if anniversary issue can get priority as part of my stuff before mid-may then maybe we can clear that item in time to be SUPPORTIVE rather than avoidant during that time). 

2nd check-in after july 4th; he siad it would be a whole year, but i don't know if that is still "school" grad/doctoral student or something different. He has the emails and can read and figure out responses whenever if i'm not emotionally available/mentally drained (really hoping some kind of work can function)

also referring to these posts from october trip to discuss his behavior (damage early is still not excuse even if he was far from well) once finished with emails content. he should have been more aware of his emotional reactions and triggers to doing the project; how that would affect me, considering what he said wanted out of it (and i did too= all the "focus on me w/o distractions") versus reality of his own capability.

i am so angry and sad that my brain doesn't know how to begin processing. i'm not making a big detailed post here, i copy pasted texts to my livejournal, this person is not interested in caring about why communication on these issues matters as much as it does to me. normally i would cope by writing an essay on what my feelings are and where they came from; there is no point in spending the energy on telling him how i was affected and for which offenses I deserve an apology when I'm exhausted from the struggle of constantly being the only one to validate myself. he has a million FLEAS from being with a narcissist for the past 8 years; refused to listen when i told him everything that was toxic about the cheating whore and his relationship, and now expects me to be understanding when he "doesnt feel like giving me specific attention because of bullshit from HER in his head." this is after telling me for over a month how much he is looking forward to "a fresh start, focusing on you and not being distracted, making you feel wanted and desired" [we have had a FWB for many years completely open with his ex who had claimed to be poly - she tried using poly as an excuse to be horrifically toxic. he wasn't like this before the WHORE, back when we met june 2011. i stopped talking to him for 5 years at the end of 2012 when i caught him lying to me about being in a serious relationship. then we reconnected, took about 2 years to work though issues, COVID, i moved in 2022]. {we were long distance partners for 2 years, i should have been more firm when i tired to break up with him after the first year and he came to visit; he had the same issues of being on his phone and distracted by whoever the newest Shiny person was, then made a bunch of promises to be better by the next time. of course when he came back he KNEW his relationship had issues and was distracted the entire time because of it, yet denied withholding attention}

I am so hurt more so by his lack of remorse for injuring my feelings despite my clearly saying "this is very toxic and unacceptable but you obviously don't care" when he tells me to stop bothering him or he'll just take longer (threats of witholding affection); he can't even see his own behavior as problematic and retreats into escapism scrolling facebook/instagram, knowing that ignoring me is the most offensive. I feel like the insides of my head are sobbing and screaming but my face won't let it out. 

i am so afraid of how vulnerable i feel, given that the last time i disconnected from him i became a victim of a different narcissist who kept me isolated and emotionally dead so i couldn't even respond to his reaching out until 18 months later from an email sent july 2016, and it adds so much to my anger that yet another one took him from me agian. he can't even see how much he has been acting like she trained him to be his own flying monkey, and lashing out at me when i point out exactly what the hurt she did to him has caused him to project. this person is the first that i got close to and trusted as a real FWB 6 months after losing my husband, he was there for my nightmares and crazy pills, i got to be a shiny person for all of 2-3 months before he was off to the next, but this was BEFORE smartphones took over everything and I swear...he was a different person before all the damage from both recent relationships. part of what makes me angry and BITTER is how he never bothered to go to therapy until finding out the whore cheated on him, when i told him as soon as we reconnected in 2018 that he needed it after the prior relationship (during which we did not speak because he hid her from me).

Yeah he's always hanging around younger friends sometimes, overlapping interests in escapism genres. But he kept saying oh she's more mature and I'm not so it works. 🤣 so of course he was not expecting all the toxicity that made him that much more stubborn to not see what he didn't want to.

It's ok, Luis is still giving me the same issues, I've been on waiting mode all morning because he has to wake up to wait at the computer for comic Con ticket line, then insisted on making pancakes knowing I don't eat them, then said he needed to nap cuz he couldn't get back to sleep middle of the night, and I've been horribly bored and anxious because the project from yesterday didn't get done yet (he wouldn't listen when I said not enough time) so now we have to finish it and it's already 1pm . The roommate is gone right now and we could have had sexy time but he's going to take forever to get things done. Biggest continuing I have is he really doesn't care about how I get time anxiety and acts super dismissive but refuses to assure me of when things Will happen. All this just reinforces what I won't tolerate in a real FWB if I ever find a local with that chemistry.

Yes it's the snapping at me when I'm like hey are we going to get stuff done? Why don't you realize we're running out of time or even care, stop saying we will be fine when I know better. Then telling me to stop complaining like I'm not allowed to express the obvious cuz it poked at his ego. Big issue with me is the withholding attention and affection then blaming me for him not being in the mood when reality is he has control issues. Does NOT care at all that I said "ok fine if there's nothing that I can help with I'll just text my friends that I'm bored" I HATE being not productive when there is stuff to do before I can get to what I want to do but he refused to prioritize how I feel or try to soothe anything. Seemed to think he's fine cuz I get that attention eventually and doesn't care for much it bugs me until I do.

Yeah but whatever I say hey this is bothering me, he doesn't care because we're not partners. Like isn't even trying to smooth things over cuz he doesn't see himself doing anything wrong. The whole trip confirms limitations and incompatibilities, regardless of how single he is, still having sleep issues and anxiety brain. Maybe he'll be somewhat better after a year of therapy but I'm done trying to have expectations.

EVEN WHEN WE WERE PARTNERS HE STILL DIDN'T GET ANY BETTER WITH THAT KIND OF STUFF AND NOW IT'S JUST THE EXCUSE OF WHAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO CARE BECAUSE WE'RE NOT PARTNERS BUT HE'LL NEVER GET BETTER ENOUGH AT IT FOR ME TO WANT TO BE HIS PARTNER SO THEN HE NEVER HAS TO ADDRESS THE ACTUAL ISSUES BECAUSE WE'RE NOT PARTNERS

Yeah his response is "I'm listening but I don't want to deal with it, ok I'm done in ignoring you" then he acts like im saying he can't relax when I bring up that I came all the way out here to spend time to do that instead of him being on his phone. Then he says I was on my phone the whole time he was building the thing, ONLY BECAUSE I HAD LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE TO DO. I said right away that's bullshit I've been bored all day, her claims that refusing to communicate and informing me isn't punishing me when I asked why he was. Told him he didn't seem to care about meeting any expectations and that I'm tired off being told what I want to hear when it doesn't mean anything .

Ignoring*: he's "done" without any response or absorbing anything and replied "if you say so" when I called out it being passive aggressive. It's like he thinks it's acceptable to act like that anytime I confront him about how toxic he's being.

Sorry this is all rant I just can't hold that shit in for his comfort. He might have planned all the dinner out things but it's like he uses that as an excuse to not pay attention to me at random the rest of the time, can't go more than an hour or two without scrolling/messaging people, or closing he's tired but then had obnoxious YouTube running during an hour of "nap" it's fucking toxic drama from Reddit by an AI voice!!! Told him that can't be good for your brain when he said it drowns out the noise.

Ugh I'm just mad cuz I'm seeing so much crap he is selfish about and it's been normalized to him for years by the whore, when he would say everything she does he refused to see his own behavior turning into that and it's like he had this huge control issue of doing everything himself at whatever speed he wants and not caring how that affects anyone else, but will always stop getting stuff done to message friends. Then if I say anything he reacts by being stubborn and immature about it and making excuses or denying that it should matter at all. Yeah especially when his reply is well the more you do that then the more I'm going to do the thing that is bothering you. Instead of having any kind of maturity or apologizing for bothering me in the first place he just digs his heels in and is like oh you're making me not feel good so I'm just going to keep on hurting you and not care that I'm hurting you and then deny that you should even feel hurt in the first place

It's going alright, I'm still annoyed at how much I want sexy times (had a nice time the night I got here and next morning) then we were running around all day to Ikea and CVS for a project that we did not get done yet because did not want to do hammering and building at 8:30 at night so now we have to finish that project today. Still the same issue with thinking he had time, telling me to calm down and then of course I was right that we didn't get it done. I hate how he snapped that the more I complain the less he wants to do stuff with me?!?! When I was worried we wouldn't have time to play around because now he had a roommate still awake (despite saying to me it wouldn't be a problem before I got here). We still had fun last night it's just the making me wait saying no, without saying when yes.

This morning he's preoccupied right now waiting in line for Comic-Con tickets but we don't know how long that will take because it seems to operate the same way that the renfair stuff sold. Then we still have to put together the wardrobe

Tomorrow it's go to the grocery store at some point to get things to make lasagna for dinner.

Still randomly scrolling his phone when he can't sleep even though I'm right there. I said it was fine to put on a TV show to relax if that's his usual comfort, I would prefer rather than being ignored.

Just the overall feeling of deference to whatever else he's got on his mind confirms it's a lost cause regardless of no other person is a shiny distraction.

I said I wasnt complaining! I was anxious and instead of soothing by telling me an exact time plan he just gets defensive and withholding, not exactly making it easy to communicate if we were partners, but since we're not then that priority disappears in his mind. Bugs me that it's always so much talk ahead in text and yet when I'm here I still feel like just an option instead. Sounds like regular to address his ADHD issues Very much a problem when he insists on telling me what I'm doing to fit his perspective instead of listening, making me feel like I have to explain.

Yeah because it's very easy for me to these thoughts gave me this conclusion which gave me this feeling and it's very frustrating when he isn't able to tell me why he doesn't want something or wants something a certain way etc like how do you not know the reason behind your conclusion. Also I really hate when people always revert to being defensive and saying that it wasn't their intention to make me feel a certain way instead of addressing that they need to soothe the fact that I got hurt that matters more and actually take care to not poke the same sore spot in the future because I will explain exactly how I got hurt.

"You deserve so much better in everything. Lovers. Friend with benefits. Partners should be a cut above. This person isnt treating you like a friend, let alone a lover, let alone a partner."

Yep when people do action believe that over their words. It's like when he's "focused and on" it is fun, he's a great lover in the moment for sure...I just feel like it's pulling teeth to get him in that brain space because he digs his heels in about being stubborn. I think it's a control issue to be honest, he doesn't want to admit that I have a better idea what is possible in reality and then I actually care about having a plan and doing what I say I will do in the time I said it so that I can rely on being able to have a reward for it that's rather essential to it operate. He's always had an issue about validating my disappointment because in the past he's had the attitude of if it doesn't happen then oh well like he doesn't want to feel like he is forced to hold to obligations or expectations yet the last message he sent was he's a bit nervous because he wants the weekend to live up to my expectations he just doesn't want to face his own actual limits and be honest about communicating them I have a huge pet peeve when people insist on telling me what I want to hear rather than acknowledging reality.

It's just weird because it really can be awesome but it's like at various chunks of time and I'm also you know by default used to entertaining myself and don't have a problem when people need alone time but it's a different circumstance when the vast majority of our time has been long distance.

It might be the autism just throwing up with other people not making sense made me really focused on how do I make sense and it's very difficult to communicate with people that don't understand how they even operate let alone be able to recite the user manual to anyone else.

Thank you so much for listening, and the validation🫂 and yes you're exactly right.

Mini item that just happened, "putting things away/slow brain/it's not a big deal argument" to do with his tone obvious anxiety, frustrating when I can see right through some issues but feel attacked anyway cuz he doesn't analyze in the moment or see it before I usually do.

At the tiki bar, of course my dates went in the bathroom for the past at least 10 to 15 minutes. it's like he's specifically takes so much time on purpose because he knows it bothers me and then tries to reframe it as me being controlling when he refuses to acknowledge that he cares more about himself comfort and being able to make me upset about something and then not do anything about it passive aggressive shit.

Ooohhh on so I was totally thinking I need to gossip with you on the aghh feelings when I'm like I have to gush about the @&+(;/$## I got 🫠 like why did that brain and that body of his have to be attached🥴😵💫

Yeah today we didn't have anything to do so actually watched a lot of the show and we're about to go to the store for dinner ingredients, he's making lasagna but won't let me in the kitchen so I'm going to shower then, told him I expect to be dessert. We shall see. It's sorry annoying being like I can't tell him to hurry up and he takes forever to do everyone because still always distracted into the phone. Except for some episodes' portions, glad it held attention.

Then he completely switched the plans on me and said that we were going to get dim sum for dinner and then go to the store so he was going to make the lasagna tomorrow and would already have the ingredients. Not only is this changing plans last minute but now also changes my plan to take a shower while he was cooking and when we got back his roommate was home with a friend and held us up for over an hour because Louise refused to actually entertain me as his guests and insisted on continuing to sort bins for the project that he still did not completely get finished the day before just so the roommates friend wasn't alone.

Then of course he claimed to be too tired and was not interested in doing anything because he didn't know if the roommate's friend was still there.

He always gets anxiety the entire day before having to leave so I know I couldn't expect anything Monday morning, I got a little bit of attention then had to wait forever for pictures to start but he kept saying we would have plenty of time for and completely wasted the whole morning that we could have had play time while he knew his roommate would be at work.

It's not like I can even enjoy these pictures now because they make me think of how much he ignored me most of Saturday and Sunday did not care about any of my concerns for having time to do things.

Yeah no response when I asked what he was doing to meet my expectations because he insisted on saying out loud that he was ignoring me as a punishment for how I brought up the fact that as soon as he finished the project he immediately disappeared into his phone and then claimed I was not letting him relax.

THE WORST PART OF HIS MENTALITY IS THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN SEE ANY OF THAT BEHAVIOR AS TOXIC, DESPITE ME SAYING EXACTLY WHY IT IS.

i'm not interested in checking in just to be mislead for the umpteeth time, i've had years of that shit that i can't get back. 

i can't ever trust him again because he refuses to sincerely apologize and actually improve. he has no remorse for hurting my feelings when he reacts by ignoring me and continuing to do whatever he knows i am bothered by (taking extra long to get ready for ANYTHING, texting friends and being distracted despite explicitly saying he wouldn't be ahead of the trip); im really in shock how immature he insists on being. telling me out loud that he's ignoring me because i wont stop confronting him but refusing to change anything, threatening to keep doing what hurts my feelings, and being passive aggressive about everything!

he has no sense of time judgement, refuses to acknowledge this deficiency, tried to insist that we will have enough time and then completely DOES NOT CARE when things don't get done when he siad they would. all of my feelings about that are ignored or I get yelled at for bringing up that my disappointment exists, because im poking at his inability to recognize a basic thing about himself.

it's like so much is coming from insecurity and the need to control an environment, regardless of how it affects anyone else, and it's all lashing out in response to the narcissist whore. he can't even see that he was trying to condition me to the same abuse, shutting down communication and freezing me out from bringing up being hurt, then denying me affection and attention.

so toxic to say that he's going to keep doing whatever bothers me until i leave him alone to do it for as long as he wants.  its the conditioning of mental abuse which is super obvious, treating me EXACTLY LIKE SHE DID TO HIM and not being able to recognize any of it as worthy of an apology. SHE DID THE SAME THING FOR  YEARS, being offensive, refusing to communicate, denying any validation, withholding affection, and then distracting him with whatever fancy performance. 

wish there was a way for ALL of his freinds to know exactly how he thinks; controlling the narrative crafted to what makes him look best, he can't even see all the damage he's absorbed.

he kept bringing her up about every single thing left in the appartment or htat she took with her and tried to act like it wasn't on purpose, but then texting his freinds otherwise...he'd never admit to anyone else that I was right all along about so much, and I still doubt that more than a few even know I exist

[–]mistressiris 1 point 20 minutes ago

then when OP arrived at the next event in september (because OP said she was "still allowed to go" if HE was her chaperone [before the event, OP found further messages through friends that she was plotting how to do more cheating]), when OP was introduced as the WH0RE'S partner, so very many other people looked at OP as if they were SURPRISED HE EVEN EXISTED...since of course they were expecting their WH0RE to return for the favors that she had told them were coming...and then OP STILL continued to believe that she was indeed trying to put in effort "because she bought books on depression" 🙄 (they did not start couple's counseling until after this event because SHE had refused to go!)

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago

she never really made an "attempt" but OP bought her performance of bringing home books because he wanted to believe that the SHOW she put on was indeed real. SHE REFUSED TO EVEN DO HER OWN RESEARCH TO FIND A THERAPIST, SO she passive aggressively forced OP to do it for her, because she'd already conditioned him to react out of fear for his own lack of peace, thus ingraining the Fawn response knowing that he already has people-pleasing tendencies. Plus of course SHE used all the implied threats of being mentally ill and subjecting him to untreated symptoms as a manipulation tactic without even having to directly say anything (like when people threaten to kill themselves if you leave them; "i'll just be miserable and make you depressed with my own agony because i have to be the tragic heroine archetype that demands everyone's pity and attention"). she used learned helplessness but since she had no intentions of actually responding to therapy, OP still ultimately failed by exerting emotional effort and not recognizing that it would be wasted, adding yet more fuel to her narcissism by proving what all she could get him to extract from himself.

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago

the freinds are only MAD because OP attempted to shatter thier image of HER (which may get attached to them by association), which she had spent YEARS cultivating, OP got played the LONG CON so bad it's like stockholm syndrome. He fell for the classic manipulation of allowing HER to CONTROL THE NARRATIVE, WHICH IS HIS TRUTH

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago

EVERYTHING SHE DID WAS PROJECTION and out of "control the narrative" DESPERATION trying to FURTHER HURT OP's CHARACTER because not enough of her friends believed her the FIRST TIME SHE DID IT

(right around when events were going on, She had told OP that her friends didn't feel comfortable around him, [while she refused to defend him!] JUST SO THAT OP WOULD FEEL UNWELCOME AND STAY AWAY: SHE NEEDED THIS PREP FOR THE PLAN TO CONTINUE CHEATING ON OP, WHICH HER SELECT CHOSEN FLYING MONKEY FRIENDS WERE VERY MUCH AWARE OF AND PROBABLY HELPED CONCOCT THE PLANS FOR HER TO DO SO)

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago*

she's invoking the narcissists prayer:

1. first didn't do it (DENYING THE MESSAGES to her hookups EXISTED WITHOUT KNOWING OP ALREADY SAW>INITIATING GASLIGHTING ), but then
2. if i did it's not that bad [ONLY EMOTIONAL plus attempt to manipulate via reframing of reality as definitions], and
3. if it was, then it's not MY fault (HER CONSTANT REFERENCE TO BEING NEGLECTED anytime the cheating was brought up in attempts to elicit empathy, WHICH SHE NEVER COMMUNICATED AND EXPECTED OP TO DO THE EFFORT FOR HER), even if it was, then
4. you deserve it (BECAUSE OP DIDN'T READ MY MIND AND STOPPED BEING THE PERFECT PUPPET FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT OF ANYONE WHO PERCIEVES ME AND MY IMAGE SO I COULD MAINTAIN STATUS)

back in MAY, SHE even accused OP of DARVO>>>talk about desperate attempts at manipulation because THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS DOING TO HIM

edit-ALSO: "the gist of it= THAT IS OUT OF ORDER!!!!" she claimed you had messed up YEARS before the cheating, but that whole time SHE DIDNT COMMMUNICATE; you need to stop trying to protect her by sharing blame when it was never your fault that she was being withholding and refused to be held accountable for it. it's the entitlement feature of her narcissism.

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago*

so that no one can unravel the elaborate facade she's chosen to create because narcissists are DEEPLY insecure.

it's all about CONTROLLING THE NARRATIVE AROUND HER IMAGE. EVERY ACCUSATION IS PROJECTION>>>

she had always told OP that the previous partner she was with [in an open relationship]before OP had cheated on HER; turns out that He (her then current partner) was completely unaware of OP's existence as an additional partner until after they had gone on the first date, yet SHE siad to OP that He was completely ok with OP dating her at the time. This comes up many years later as OP was still in touch with her previous partner and He confirmed SHE cheated on Him with OP; she is just a selfish lying WH0RE

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago*

SHE made a post about how she "had tried therapy oh so much" but it would never work instantly because the therapists were "trying to be her friend" as in actually get to know who you really are (and i bet she was mad the performances were failing) instead of just giving her an instant-fix that wouldn't require her to DO any actual work. then she gets to beg for all the pity from all the flying monkeys by saying that she had tried everything and can't possibly be helped by anyone; she must maintain the role of the most tragic heroine EVER always

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago

Exactly, she pretends to be so many different things to different people all so that no one can unravel the elaborate facade she's chosen to create because narcissists are DEEPLY insecure. this way she never has to be accountable and can merely direct opposing groups of flying monkeys depending on the narrative. see the part about the "friends"

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago*

but they'll know she's a dirty wh0re, and who actually WANTS that?

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago

about that...in early spring OP in fact had received what he thought were ones only for him, then found out she had also posted them to a server for friends. of course, because she's a narcissist, months later She proceeded to trigger him about the issue by implying that SHE posted a nude which turned out to be just a photo of her back.

just one example of her classic boundary testing + destroying, and establishing control over his emotional reactions by invalidating OP as he was attempting to heal oh so many wounds, PLUS making fun of that one in particular that SHE caused.

OP feel free to correct me on exact time frame, I still have the screenshots proving it happened

[–]mistressiris 2 points 1 day ago

I was with you in the first line, but continuing to engage with the ex just gives her more fuel to feel like she has control over OP by knowing that this would be his reaction. it's more mental and emotional abuse that he would be signing Himself up for because she would do exactly that on purpose to emotionally exhaust him, and give people more chances to gaslight him because they are loyal to HER if they are still listening to her lies.

[–]mistressiris 3 points 1 day ago

not only cheated, but lied to all her freinds with multiple different stories depending on which social group they were in. SHE was talking behind his back about him WITH MULTIPLE FRIENDS, who colluded with her to help her plan more cheating.

I think the accomplices also deserved to be called out as untrustworthy as well.

it's called ACCOUNTABILITY!!! she does NOT deserve to be shielded from consequence and have CONTROL OF THE NARRATIVE as the result of manipulating OP into complying with the protection of HER ego. OP helping himself is clearing his own name and not letting her have the ONLY voice to further embellish the character she's created for herself to perform instead of having any actual remorse in reality!

your comment is classic victim-blaming and sounds like a lot of projection. I AM a single woman and would much rather be aware of what kind of damage a potential new partner has just incurred and is working through with therapy. This tells me that OP values authenticity and accountability.

[–]mistressiris 2 points 2 days ago* 

SHE made a post about how she "had tried therapy oh so much" but it would never work instantly because the therapists were "trying to be her friend" as in actually get to know who you really are (and i bet she was mad the performances were failing) instead of just giving her an instant-fix that wouldn't require her to DO any actual work. then she gets to beg for all the pity from all the flying monkeys by saying that she had tried everything and can't possibly be helped by anyone; she must maintain the role of the most tragic heroine EVER always

[–]mistressiris 2 points 2 days ago 

she never really made an "attempt" but OP bought her performance of bringing home books because he wanted to believe that the SHOW she put on was indeed real. SHE REFUSED TO EVEN DO HER OWN RESEARCH TO FIND A THERAPIST, SO she passive aggressively forced OP to do it for her, because she'd already conditioned him to react out of fear for his own lack of peace, thus ingraining the Fawn response knowing that he already has people-pleasing tendencies. Plus of course SHE used all the implied threats of being mentally ill and subjecting him to untreated symptoms as a manipulation tactic without even having to directly say anything (like when people threaten to kill themselves if you leave them; "i'll just be miserable and make you depressed with my own agony because i have to be the tragic heroine archetype that demands everyone's pity and attention"). she used learned helplessness but since she had no intentions of actually responding to therapy, OP still ultimately failed by exerting emotional effort and not recognizing that it would be wasted, adding yet more fuel to her narcissism by proving what all she could get him to extract from himself.

VPN

REDDDIT POST FROM LUIS:

So my ex fiancee (33F) and I (42M) were dating for 8 years and engaged for almost 3 of those years. Last year I caught her cheating on me with multiple individuals that she met at Neotropolis.

I got home from work early so I could shower and get ready for my interview. So after I showered, I got on her computer to print out my resume and in the meantime, I decided to Google search "Star Wars Nite" since we had tickets to go the next day

The moment I started typing "St" her Google search auto filled "STD Panel Test Results" which caused me to immediately panic. I did a quick history search to see when she googled this and sure enough she looked for this on Monday the day after she got home from the event around 10pm while I was still on vacation away in Maryland. Panicking, I clicked on her Facebook tab that was open and noticed one of the chat windows was opened. She had received and loved one the lewds this guy named Trent had sent her earlier that day. I read her messages on FB and saw that she was receiving lewds/nudes from various individuals as well as flirting with others that she had met that weekend at Neotropolis

When I confronted her about it, she claimed her friend “Jen” hooked up with someone at the event which is why she looked up where to get STD tested. She kept digging a hole with lie after lie after lie which eventually unraveled and blew up in her face

She got mad at me for letting our mutual friends know that she cheated on me. She didn’t want any of them to know what is going on so I stopped reaching out to them to protect her “peace”

My mistake: I didn’t break up with her and gave her a chance to “fix” the relationship

We did couples counseling for a year while I did individual therapy. She attempted to do individual therapy but kept dropping it. The longest she saw an individual therapist was for 8 weeks while I’ve been consistently going to therapy

In May, I got mad at her and a friend and soft blocked them both on FB and by the end of July, she broke up with me because of it. Friends kept asking her if I was ok because I was supposedly vague blogging (I made a post asking folks to be mindful about sharing the Coldplay/CEO affair memes because it may be triggering to those that have been cheated on or been in an affair) I found out she was done with the relationship because she erased all our photos from her FB/IG and deleted her relationship status. She didn’t even tell me

She moved out by the end of August. Last week I decided to make the break up public on FB. The gist of it: We broke up, she cheated on me with multiple individuals at the event, we didn’t communicate, I messed up in my obligations as her partner, cheating is NEVER ok under any circumstance

The shit storm that followed was swift, mutual friends got mad at me and her friends accused me of airing our “dirty laundry”. I purposely did not make it public how I caught her cheating, the things she did, the things I read. She has been omitting that she cheated on me when talking to people about the break up and now is telling people that she only emotionally cheated on me when she told me she made out with anyone that showed interest with her at Neotropolis and was very physical

Update #1: Something I didn’t mention was that she eventually came clean and told me that she went to Neotropolis with the idea of finding someone. In her words, cast a wide enough net in shallow waters and you are bound to get a bite (it still doesn’t make it any better). She hooked up with a girl because in her words, “girls can’t get you pregnant”. She initiated all the interactions, if they showed interest in her, she would pursue them and hook up

Before she moved out, I did post the break up post on FB but immediately deleted it within 5 minutes. In that time someone took a screenshot and sent it to her. She then told our mutual friends that I was “crashing out and she felt unsafe around me” but purposely did not share the screenshot as it would not fit her narrative. She went around messaging people how she felt unsafe coming back to the apartment and being around me.

Unfortunately our friends believed her and they dropped me. Funny thing though, she came home that evening, we ate dinner together while drinking beers, watched a tv show and a movie while smoking weed and fell asleep on the couch together. You know, things you do with someone you feel unsafe

Now am I the asshole for letting people know why we broke up and making it public that she cheated on me?

https://open.spotify.com/episode/3…

album title. referencing luis opera and the house.

visiting felt like seeing the afterlife of a graveyard. a physical view into life going on without me and seeing the future. like an invisible barrier, a sense of i don't belong; i was expecting to feel like a time warp into the past and it was more like i kept picturing what was missing. so angry about the chandelier! anxiety about the money and how much i've lost out on...weird dreams about ma femme and charon have not thought about those characters in SO many years, why now and especially out there...

also the emptiness of when i left, and different from when i saw it moving in since i had changed so much in the bedroom w/o living in that space for so long. still the feeling of sadness confirming Luis is only good for 24 hours, at least i have stephanie around and if kai-ele ever gets back to me. 

i need another vacation that's real and to somehow afford to rent a car and stay in an airbnb close to/in walking distance of the neighborhood

factory — barely survived end of the year, picked up a bit in the spring but still stressful, lost more people and manager increasingly volatile. tried to quit in April but was convinced to stay, focusing more on inspection and less machining. had burnout get much worse in May and threatened to fire me by july, laid off end of august. imposter syndrome and anxiety all summer, burnout started to get a little better early september. 

more focus on NEW music filling in since starting the project years, finally cleaning storage drive for my complete library, FINISHED the first project added a lot of ani difranco; major accomplishment! getting some of the 2nd discovery project completed. enjoying podcasts with fortune feimster and sarah silverman

followed some event pages to try and go to things where i might meet people with whom i could share worldviews possibly...exercise for walking downtown, parks to read in, showing up for the art and music if i have it on the calander. silent reading club once a month, LGBTQ social every tuesday is available if i have the spoons. markets and downtown business events with mom and dad, trying to get Andrea and the kids over.