I wanted your love , but look what its done to me All my dreams have come to nothing Who would have believed All the laughter that we shared would be a memory I cannot count the tears you've cost me If I could have seen And do you ever think of me And how we used to be? Oh , I know you're somewhere else right now And loving someone else no doubt Well I'm one for sorrow Ain't it too too bad Are you breaking someone else's heart 'cos you're taking my love where you are Well I'm one for sorrow Ain't it too bad about us I wanted your love , but I got uncertainty I tried so hard to understand you All the good it did me Now the places that we knew remind of how we were Everything is just the same But all I feel is hurt And do you ever think of me And how we used to be?
When I was about 13 I remember thinking (as every kid does at some point) that when I was a parent I would remember how I felt when I was a kid and base my reaction to my children's mistakes on how I knew I would have felt at that age. It wasn't the first time that type of thought had crossed my mind but on this particular occasion I took the thought a step further. I decided that I should write things down as much as I could so that I could have a reference for all the stuff I learned as I got older- so I could both learn from it and maybe share with my kids some day. I figured life was tough and sometimes I wished that some one could have warned me about things so maybe it'd be helpful one day. Well, I haven't exactly kept to that. There are different reflections documented in various locations and they're pretty inconsistent. But I guess it's better than nothing. I don't think I'll necessarily use these accounts to educate my kids on the un-expectancies of life, but if anything, they're at least interesting to look back on. So here we go again... I was watching a tv drama today. The kind where the pretty popular girl is an anorexic alcoholic and the parents are all sleeping with each other and the main character's girlfriend is the love child of his adopted grandfather (yeah I was pretty brain dead this morning and didn't feel like exerting any mental effort). Anyways, because it was a "drama" as opposed to a "soap opera" it meant that the episode concluded with a cutesy display of love and support in the middle of the conflict. I know that it's a tv show and not real life but then I started thinking about it. There are so many people out there and so many ways for us to screw up that the concept of mathematical combinations tells us the amount of dramas that could unfold are close to infinite. While identical replicas of tv dramas and real world situations are unlikely, the level of dysfunction is probably pretty common. This might be a kind of a depressing thought but in a way it made me feel...content, I guess. I think the conclusion I came to was that drama will always happen everywhere but I hope that one day I can be like the perfect parents in the teen drama that add the perfect amount of cheesiness to the soap opera. The dad was an attorney that defended juvenile delinquents, put his family above everything, and welcomed anyone who needed help. I hope I find someone like that one day. And I hope I can be that way for my friends and my "not-friends". I stated thinking of families I know in real life and the different dynamics, comparing how I felt when I stayed in the homes of different friends or when they came to mine. There was one family that I spent a lot of time with that sort of reminded me of the tv family. This family wasn't without it's dramas-anorexia, alcoholism, divorce, sibling conflict were weaved in there somehow- but there was a certain charm about them. I loved going over to their place; they always made me feel so welcomed, like while I was there I was a part of the family too. In spite of the imperfections there was clearly love and support and comfort. I don't know why this was so helpful but I feel sort of reassured about life now after thinking about this. I guess it just reminded me what I really want out of life SO much gets in the way that's easy to get distracted and start feeling like you're not good enough or properly suited for something that you don't really want anyway. I think I did that a lot during college. There was a lot of stumbling around but I love the feeling that comes with the sudden realization that's I've learned so much about myself and life. Growing up I was always a pretty self confident person. I was comfortable with my abilities and didn't really devote much time to negative self assessment. I think that's because I was really who I wanted to be back then. I recognized that I my self confidence was becoming shaky sophomore year of college. But I didn't realize unti lnow that there were two major reasons for that. I always use to think it was becasue I was suddenly in a more challegning environment and around people who were actively and obviously interested in achieving more than my former peers. I wasn't the smartest kid anymore and I thought that was what it came down to. But it was more than that because i wasn't just comparing myself to others, I was comparing myself to my own potential. I felt like I wasn't realizing my full potential and I couldn't figure out why. I think I know now: I remember Eric saying to me once "Some people are in the orchestra some people are part of the football team or astronomy club...what do you have? sunshine?" We were walking through the door to house three. He went in and I stood there feeling offended and ashamed, unable to speak because I couldn't believe he said it and hating myself because I thought I was the one in the wrong. The truth was, I had noticed that it seemed like people here are very into what they do, so much so that it becomes who they are. I sometimes wondered why I hadn't found some group or school subject that I felt extremely passionate about and in the past it had made me feel like a bit of an outsider compared to others around me but until he made that comment I hadn't pinned the fact as a personal failure. In that same conversation he also mentioned that he'd never seen me stand up for something I believed in because I never argued about things the way he and his friends did. After he broke with me Eric also said that he wouldn't have looked at other girls if I had lifted my boobs and flattened my stomach. These three things stuck out in my mind very strongly over the past year. I know that they weren't worth considering but they took root deep inside of me and I found that the little insecurities that had been nagging from the sidelines of my consciousness had, with the workings of those words, morphed me into the text book definition of low self esteem. I woke up one morning and realized that I had become the type of person I never thought I would be-someone who let the words of another bring her down as low as the depths of depression. I found myself looking at the appearance of my body where ever I went, in windows, mirrors what ever I could find. I'd turn it over in my mind again and again wondering if I should learn to be more aggressive to show that I wasn't afraid to stand up for my beliefs. It was interesting because I knew that I shouldn't be feeling that way and I would tell myself that over and over again. The problem was that his words had reinforced preexisting doubts I'd had about myself and simultaneously accused me of being the very thing I despised. It was like I was wondering if certain aspects of who I was as a person were acceptable and got by because nobody had confirmed it, until then. I dropped a couple classes last semester and found myself with a lot of free time. I started writing and singing again. I found myself in a lot of situations where I felt like crap but had to hide it because the people around me were having a good time, or in some cases having a worse time. I'm not saying I'm some great person for doing that, it just sort of came naturally. There were times I failed at it too but in my head I knew what I should have been doing. All of this began to remind me of what I felt was important and what I enjoyed. I realized that the reason I'm not passionate about a group or club or field of study is because I'm more interested in the causes behind them. I don't like being super involved with APO because I feel like my friends who are in it have made it their whole life. Everything they do in some way relates back to it-its events, its people, its requirements. They devote so much of their time to it, way more time than any of them are required to. I've never been an officer like any of them but there have been a couple times when I've done stuff for APO that wasn't required of me. There have also been some times when I've done community service but didn't log my hours with APO. These occurrences haven't happened nearly as often as any of the people that I see over-dedicating themselves to the organization but I did start to wonder why I did any extra stuff for APO at all. I realized that my only motivation was that people I cared about, cared about it and I was really just interested in helping them. I also thought about school and realized that while growing up I always had top scores in both school and standardized testing but school work was always last on my list of priorities when compared to spending time with people or learning about things that couldn't be taught in books. One of my high school teachers used to call me the silent rebel and I'm beginning to think she was right. I've met people that love debating the theoretical framework behind some psychological practices or they are super involved in research. I don't really care about any of that beyond finding the best ways to help people. The only reason I'm a psych major is because it's the best route to helping people in an environment where I can really get to know them I don't like being defined by what I do. I think that's something separate than who I am. Actions and activities may help describe someone's personality but they are not definitions. My priorities are different to a lot of people's but I'm okay with that. In fact I like it. I also realize that the comment about me not standing up for anything was a bunch of nonsense. I hate it when people open their mouths and have nothing intelligent to say. I'm willing to bet at least 70% of words thrown around in an argument is just crap so that people can feel like they're saying something. I'd rather keep my mouth shut than open it and sound like an idiot. I'm a firm believer in picking my battles. The ones of huge moral consequence are the only ones I feel the need to fight. And I feel that I have. For a while I got so caught up in what was going on around me that I forgot who I was. It sucks that the events of this past year were my road back to self discovery but I'd rather it happen this way than go on feeling uncertain about who I am. This has probably been on my mind a lot lately because school is almost over and I as far as my future goes I can barely see past five feet in front of me. Of course this made me question my abilities and past actions and I started to feel inadequate again. Everything feels uncertain right now and it's hard not to want to blame my self for it all. But when I take the time to think about it a bit, I realize that there nothing to be concerned about. I like who I am and I know that as long as I have God on my side it doesn't matter if I jump into an abyss or a nine to five life of structure. Blind faith may not seem like the right choice to a lot of people, but satisfying others' schemas of intellect is not my top priority. I just realized that all this ranting makes me seem pretty self absorbed. I guess that's true but we all are to some extent. And I suppose in the end if ll of this self analysis helps me figure things out then it's worth it. Besides, I like taking time to appreciate the little epiphanies I have even if I'm slow to come to them =P
Hear you talk so loud and clear Can't help feeling something's near Though you've not said much You said it all
Been four weeks it starts to show Last in line for you I know Though you've not said much You said it all
But I'd stay for you I'd go right through I'd be here close When you need it most I'd be around If you felt down I'd bring you flowers Sit and talk for hours
Finish up and dry my face I'm shining like a new penny I'll never light your eyes up like they should
But I'd stay for you I'd help you through Though your not mine Already knew I'd cheer you up If you felt down I'd make you smile I'd be around
I'd stay for you I'd go right through I'd be here close When you need it most I'd be your type Whatever you like I'd bring you flowers Sit and talk for hours I'd cheer you up If you felt down I'd make you smile When you came around
How lame is it that I hide my feelings in livejournal lol
Hope life's been good to you since you've been gone I'm doin' fine now I've finally moved on It's not so bad I'm not that sad
I'm not surprised just how well I survived I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive I can't complain I'm free again
Chorus: And it only hurts when I'm breathing My heart only breaks when it's beating My dreams only die when I'm dreaming So, I hold my breath to forget
Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night There's no need to worry, I'm really all right I've never looked back as a matter of fact
Repeat Chorus
It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I've never looked back as a matter fact
Repeat Chorus
Hurts when I'm breathing Breaks when it's beating Die when I'm dreaming It only hurts when I breathe
I'm comfortable in my perfectly decorated room with the window cracked because it was warm today. I'm sitting on my bed facing the window that overlooks the football field. The sky is blue and people are out playing soccer, running around the track, and making Case seem like a typical college campus. It all looks so beautiful in the movie screenshot kind of way.
The pain's been stronger lately. I was doing well for a while, and I still am, it just hurts a bit more. It's frustrating not understanding why it matters to me anymore. You'd think a person would be able to choose. Yet here I am warring inwardly because all but one stubborn part of me has moved on. I wish I could identify that last part; it's little but it's damn strong. I want to pry away the fingers that grip the pain, holding it in place, but I can't find them. So I just sit here feeling it, feeling disgusted with myself. Nothing we had was worth this.
I'm supposed to be writing a paper about human trafficking in Thailand. I wonder how I could possibly succumb to this pitiful claim to pain when the world is full of nightmares like that. Then the shame sweeps over me again. I tried watching some documentary style clips on YouTube to get myself passionate enough to write but I found that when the clips ended I felt like I had just watched a movie. With my own pain sitting on my chest and tightness of the pretty college bubble immobilizing my integrity it just seemed unreal and therefore unimportant.
It's interesting that the same personal trait that should have me writing furiously about this issue is the same one preventing me from moving out of this slump. I don't know if spitting this out into livejournal will help at all but I figured it's worth a try.
I'm still waiting to stop caring about something pointless and empty and trying to start living for something of value.
I.. I always thought that I knew I'd always have the right to be living in the kingdom of the good and true and so on But now I think I was wrong and you were laughing along And now I look a fool for thinking you were on...
My side, Is it any wonder I'm tired? Is it any wonder that I feel uptight? Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?
Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand, it's hard to know where I am, Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm stranded in the wrong time where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme, a soundbite
Is it any wonder I'm tired? Is it any wonder that I feel uptight? Is it any wonder I don't know what's right? Oh, these days, after all the misery made, Is it any wonder that I feel afraid? Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed?
Nothing left inside this old cathedral, just the sad, lonely spires, How do you make it right?
Oh, but you try, Is it any wonder I'm tired? Is it any wonder that I feel uptight? Is it any wonder I don't know what's right? Oh, these days, after all the misery made, Is it any wonder that I feel afraid?
Whose eyes am I behind I don’t recognize anything that I see Whose skin is this design I don’t want this to be the way that you see me
I don’t understand anything anymore In this world that I’m tired of Is taking me right up these walls That I climb up To get to your story It’s anything but ordinary
And when the world is on its knees with me its fine And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine ‘Cause you are what I need so very but im anything but ordinary
Can you save me from this world of mine Before I get myself arrested with this expectation You are the one look what you’ve done What have you done? This is not some kind of joke You’re just a kid You weren’t ready for what you did
And when the world is on its knees with me its fine And when I come to the rescue I do it for you time after time Everybody seems to be getting what they need where's mine ‘Cause you are what I need so very but im anything but ordinary
I think im trying to save the world from you You’ve been saving me too We could just stay in and save each other
Im anything but ordinary (ordinary) Im anything but ordinary (ordinary)
Your fingertips across my skin The palm trees swaying in the wind Images You sang me Spanish lullabies The sweetest sadness in your eyes Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me
[Chorus] Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you Should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do
We walked along a crowded street You took my hand and danced with me Images And when you left, you kissed my lips You told me you would never, never forget These images
No
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me
[Chorus] Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you Should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do
I cannot go to the ocean I cannot drive the streets at night I cannot wake up in the morning Without you on my mind So you're gone and I'm haunted And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that Easy to walk right in and out Of my life?
[Chorus] Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you Should have known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do
sad
tired