Me Thinks a Cupid I Shall Play...

So...I should, totally, be asleep, right now. I have to be up, bright and early, to sing at St. Paul's. For those who don't know, it's a church in town, where I got a job as the "soprano soloist." This pretty much means that I sing at service, every Sunday morning and, when there are solos, I'll have them. I think that's how it will be anyway. I've yet to have a solo. At any rate, it makes me a little extra money and is an easy job.

So...why am I awake so late/early? Well, at the moment, I'm going through a lot of inner turmoil...lots of arguing, between the two parts of my personality. At the moment, this arguing has to do with...you guessed it...boys. I have two parts to me. There is the part that is cynical, extremely cautious, closed-off, afraid, doubting, etc. Then, there is the part of me that is risk-taking, naive, spontaneous, and a hopeless romantic. There is also a division between the part of me that doesn't want to let go of the past and the part of me that is toying with the idea of just giving up.

As some of you might know, I am still in love with someone who is pretty much not worth my energy, at the moment. I still believe that, if he were mature and not afraid of his feelings, he would be perfect for me. However, I come to realize more and more that it doesn't matter what I think. The "what if's" don't matter, when it comes to him. Why is that? Because, even if I think it would work, under those circumstances, those, obviously, aren't the circumstances. It doesn't matter how much I care about him. He's not ready to deal with his shit, apparently. So...I've been trying extremely hard to just not care and focus on school and singing and friends and forget guys, period.

That being said, there is, now, a new guy in the picture, too. This guy is everything I could ever want. He is sweet, intelligent, fun, funny, talented, and good-looking. He is a serious musician; a music major, too. His main instruments are string bass and euphonium (which, for those of you who don't know, is kinda like a mini tuba. ha) He plays both classical and jazz. He's doing a lot of gigs and competitions and stuff and is going to grad school, soon, to continue with music. He also played cello, for 10 years, and does a lot of music arranging. We share lots of interests, besides that. We can talk on the phone, for like 4 or 5 hours at a time and have good, interesting conversation, the whole time. Crazy of all, I, continually, feel like he's inside my head. He keeps saying things I'm just about to say, before I say them. They aren't common things, either. Like...some of my jokes are pretty weird. Those of you who hang out with me a lot know this. He'll make that exact joke with the exact same wording, right before I'm gonna say it. It's freaky, but, cool.

So...what's the problem, you might ask? (Or...not. ha) This boy does not live here. He lives in freakin Florida. I have never met him in real life. I have only talked to him online and on the phone. How did we meet? The internet. It's a funny story. He was searching for one of those virtual pets for a friend's myspace webpage. He wanted a virtual pet otter. So...he typed that in. And...what happens? My page is the first result. Why? Because, I had some of those pets on my page...but, more importantly because I have Anne Sofie von OTTER listed as one of my favorite opera singers. So...I guess the combo of google finding the word "otter" on my page and the various virtual pets I have on myspace...made my page relevant, in the eyes of google. Ha. Anyway...he added my myspace and, then, one day, he randomly IM'ed me on AIM. For the most part, I don't answer IM's, if I don't know the person who is sending them. Usually, if I DO answer, I talk with the person for like 5 minutes tops. Something told me to answer the IM. So...I did. We ended up talking online for 6 hours. (I was sitting at my computer, that long, because I had horrible cramps and didn't feel like moving. Being a girl sucks!!)

Anyway...everytime we talk, it's really comfortable and I get a really good vibe. At the same time, I am very cynical, cautious, and hold back a lot. This guy really wants to meet me, at some point, and is willing to pay to come see me. I told him about the whole Utah boy thing, where I invested money in someone, only to be screwed over. I told him that I won't let that happen again and, if he ever wants to see me, he'll be the one investing the money in me. Sounds a little bitchy, maybe, but, I am not gonna take any more crap. Anyway...so...he wants to come visit me, spring break, or something. I asked him, point blank, what his motives are. He just told me that he feels like, since we get along so well, it would be stupid of him not to see what could come of this. I agree. It may seem really stupid to like someone you've never even met enough to want to have them visit you. Lots of this might seem stupid.

It's hard to give anyone a chance, again, anyway. Even if he lived here and I already knew him, I'd be having arguments with myself. I've just been hurt a lot and I'm not willing to let it happen again. I told him that. He said he understands. I also think about the "being cautious because he's from the internet" part of it. Society teaches us not to trust people on the internet and think they're axe murderers or something. I can see how you do have to be cautious. However, I'm an amazing girl who just happens to be online. Is it not possible that he is just an amazing guy who just happens to be online?

Anyway...so that's what's happening. I'm in love with one guy who is acting like a fool and am REALLY starting to like a new one who lives like 1000 miles from me. Like I said, he wants to come visit me and he's moving out of Florida, for grad school. So...who knows. I guess I'll just play all of this by ear. It's just really confusing, knowing what to do.

*    "Love Actually" gets better every time. 
*     Freakin Jon is all asleep on my couch. 2nd night in a row. 
*     I miss Eddie so much. I just can't wait to see him again. Is this lame? He's only been gone like a week. He'll be back  in about a week, as far as I understood. 
*    My cat just threw up all over. I am thoroughly grossed out. Why did she throw up, this time?? Now, I'm afraid to go to sleep and wake up covered in barf. UGH!!!
*    Did I mention I miss Eddie? I'm so twitterpated.

I miss him already. He's only been gone like 4 days. Haha. *Cough* Lame!  But, yeah.  I just can't stop thinking about him and how much I just want to hold and kiss him...how many fun things we could do...the feeling I get, when I'm around him...you know: the whole shebang. I guess this is what happens, when you're sick and, therefor, have too much time to think about nothing. What I NEED to do is learn music but my brain can't concentrate enough to mentally practice and, of course, my voice is not up for singing. I shouldn't complain, because, I was able to hold out for SO long, toward the end of school, feeling just slightly sick. The severity of the sickness didn't come till now. But, let's face it, there is NEVER a good time to be sick. I always say "This is REALLY not the time to be sick!" But, it's never the time. Haha. Anyway...I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to do with myself, right now...hence, the writing of this journal entry. Ha. Hope all is well with everyone!

Here's me in the newspaper as a blonde!

http://www.lcsun-news.com/apps/pbc…

Hey! If any of you guys are residents of El Paso or Las Cruces, try to make it to my opera. Dona Ana Lyric Opera is going to be putting on "Merry Widow" which is full of great music and dancing. The show is also in English, so those of you who don't like reading subtitles will be able to enjoy it more. There's a lot of talent in the cast and we even have someone who has had a professional opera career playing the widow. I'm playing the other leading female role and will dye my hair blonde for the occasion, so come check it out.

Friday Feb. 24th at 8 pm
Saturday February 25th at 8 pm
Sunday February 26th at 3 pm

Tickets are only $5 for students of any school, with a student ID
For non-students, tickets are $10, $12, and $15 and you can get them by calling (505) 646-1420 There will also, hopefully, be some available at the door.

All performances are at the Music Center Recital Hall which is on-campus. For those of you coming from EP, exit on University. Turn left at the light. Drive past Triviz, Locust, Jordan, and Solano. You will come to a street called Espina and turn left onto it. To your left, you will see a parking lot which is the music center parking lot. It may be full, in which case you will continue on Espina further into campus, come to a stop sign, go straight...then come to another stop sign where you will turn left. You will notice that you are on a street that goes in a loop and takes you back to where you began. This is the Horseshoe and you will take it all the way until you reach the very last building near the first stop sign you passed. This is the music center. There is parking available, right in front of it. If all parking is taken on the horseshoe, there is one last resort. haha. You will go back onto Espina and turn right onto University. You won't drive far before there will be a driveway to your right and left will be plenty of parking. (The parking to the right is closer to thre music center, of course.) Anyway...once you've found parking and the music center itself, you will want to find the front of the music center (the side facing the horseshoe) because this is where the recital hall is at. I know this was all confusing, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

With my first name...

It's Not Sex. It's ... : Playing Tickle-me Pickle-me

With my fist, middle, and last name...

It's Not Sex. It's ... : The Wink Wink Nudge Nudge

With my first and last name...

It's Not Sex. It's ... : The Matress Mambo