LoVe is...

Well it has been about 5 years since i wrote in this. Is anyone still on this thing? A lot has surely happened in 5 years. I no longer live in Waltham, MA but Inman SC and i actually like it here. I have an amazing boyfriend Jonathan, who is deplopyed in Afghanistan. Ok i just remembered I dont have work I should probably be drinking right about now. Im actually lame now during this deployment. I can't wait to have sex its been forever. I want babies like now and I broke my vibrator he bought me. That is a sad story I should have buried it, like giving it a proper funeral. But now I stuffed it in a popcorn bag at the bottom of the trash barrel, im such as ass. 

I forgot I still had this myspace has taken over my livejournal time... oh shit bye

Yea so I havent been on this website in a while. I've been hooked onto myspace. Things have changed alot, school is almost over and college is right around the corner. I've decided to admit myself to in-patient for mia so I might not be available for a while. Hopefully this way I cant stop smoking cigs and I never thought i'd say this, but yes weed too. I think this is for the best and maybe that way I can finally be the me im supposed to be. I mean im not a kid anymore and I should start acting like an adult. I guess occasional drinking will have to do. As for graduation I hope he'll be there.

well im in math class right now, its kinda boring. Im leaving for new jersey in 2 days and wont be back till tuesday. Now looking at it I really dont want to go, because i'd rather spend time with Chris. Yesterday he came babysitting with me again and Daniel called him daddy like 8 times it was so funny. I really like him and time with him flies by so fast. He is so fun to be with and I love him. Not to mention how hott he is, he is funny, smart and exotic wink wink. I cant wait till he asks me out its taking forever! I cant wait to meet his parents, I hope they like me and dont think that im to mature for their son. Chrissy Poo I love you!!!!!

This Person
By: Kristiane Doyle
1-5-05

I know this person that I cannot explain
I have know reason why he went off to college and Changed
I have some questions and I have an excuse
That if I call him, and he doesn’t pick up then I automatically lose
I know, how I feel when I’m around you
It snows, every time I think about you
My mind gets so blurry and my face turns baby blue
Am I just another girl that you chose to screw
Do I mean anything to you?
I know this person that drives me insane
He used to be so athletic and now his life’s so plan
He doesn’t want me, he wants her and so I lose
I know, how I feel when I’m around you
I grow every single time I see you
My heart skips a beat when I look into your eyes
I cry, every time you make my feelings die
I hate all our angry pist off goodbyes
You make me feel so high
I want to fly far in the sky
You make me feel so alive
Just me and you there side by side.

One step closer to nothing
By: Kristiane Doyle
12-20-04

I try, but it never seems enough
I try so hard to please you, but its useless
I can’t ever amount to what you want me to
But I keep on trying
I keep on bleeding, I keep on dying
Just to amount to what you want me to
Sometimes at night I cry
But no one hears me
And I like it that way
I hate to cry in front of others
I hate to show I’m weak
I hate to see you cry because it makes me look real meek
I seem to be the tough girl
I seem to be heartless
But when I’m alone
I just can’t stand the darkness
When you look at me what do you see?
Come on be honest, what, are you afraid of me?
Tensing up your shoulders
The blood flowing to my fingertips
At times I feel like hitting someone
But yes, I am a wimp
After all I did see right threw you
And yes I did find
The cruelness of your body, the cruelness of your mind
And now here I am retaliating
To show you what I can be
Not just that little girl you made cry
The inner woman in me
And to think you almost got to me
You almost made me snap
But I’m kind of glad I didn’t
Because you’re more worthless then that

No Matter how hard I try
By: Kristiane Doyle
12-20-04

No matter how hard I try to forget him… he haunts me
No matter how much I cry… It won’t bring him back and won’t push him away
He seems to follow me… even in my dreams
Not a day goes by without him popping into my head
Even though he is not physically here… he still haunts me
At times I lie awake remembering the good times we shared
The times that he actually cared
The day he said no matter what happens we will always remain friends
But that day, those words, our friendship, and our love was a lie
Now sometimes I lie awake and all I do is cry
Why can’t I forget him? This face I don’t even remember
It’s been so long since I’ve seen him
Or a picture of him, and I don’t remember his face, but he still haunts me
I work where he used to, go to the school where he graduated
And live in the town where he was born, I never see him, but he still haunts me
And then there are those days that I think are going swell
But then he is mentioned, and yet again he haunts me
You know it really makes me sick, that I can’t get him out of my mind
And yes the thought, that I still love him kicks me in the behind
But I still always have that feeling, that things will be ok
Because now there is this greater person with a better name
That makes me feel better then I guess I ever could
And treats me like a real man should
Instead of this kid, not even close to a man
Who interrupts my dreams, and fucks up all my plans
Just to get inside my head, and make me feel like shit
And even though he is so far away I turn and he is there
And no matter how far and fast I run I think he will always be there
Just to tell me things I want to here and make me think we’re friends
Even though I want to believe that he will still be there
But I have someone better and I shouldn’t really care
But the things he and I went through
And how long we were together, makes things kind of hard
And it doesn’t make getting over him any better
So when I hear his name, and when I hear his voice
Ill try to forget the times
When I thought I had no choice
And when the truth comes out, that he still loves me
Ill think about the time
When he said “No one will love you, like I do so you better stay with me

I sit here on my floor
Playing this guitar
Looking out my window
Wishing on a star
Maybe someday he’ll be true
Just maybe one day he’ll love me too
Someone who makes me happy and not turn my heart black and blue
Do you see this position you have put me in
Causing me to turn to drugs
And all I do is sin
Its like I’m in a labyrinth and I will never win
I see you over there
Starring at me walk
But when we are at work, we hardly even talk
Is this to good? Or our we spoiled
I think my love is just getting toyed with
Someone that makes me awfully happy
Sure does make me sad
So stick with one I tell you because I’m really getting mad
Maybe this is the beginning
Or a beginning towards the end
Because now my wings are clipped and it’s hard for me to descend

What do you think?

Yea it kinda sucks, me and Chris D. arnt really talking. Today at work not even one word was exchanged. Whatever im a guy now so im gunna play those bitches just like they played me. Fuck all yall men you are shit through my eyes. I cant take being hurt, being used, being everything you men want me to be and then throwing it all away, im sick of them and how they treat me. Im just gunna fuck those bitches and then throw everything away. Yea im done venting now... Anyone that has ever done me wrong will pay... you will get buttfucked

I seem to have been taken over in my sleep no one will know how until school is over. A certain website has changes my life. I feel like I have to change completely and it will all start with quitting cigs. Did I ever tell anyone how much I love fruit... uh yea.