Just a Girl in the World

I have a dentist appointment super early tomorrow. I am finally getting a tooth fixed that's been driving me crazy for years. Its not that I am in pain or anything, but its a front tooth that had the wrong shade of ceramic filling put on it years ago and it always looks yellow in pictures. It makes me never want to smile, or to photoshop pics where I AM smiling. Hopefully it will be all pretty after tomorrow. The reason I have put up with it so long is because I have other teeth that actually DO need crowns and stuff. I have the weakest teeth of anyone I know. They're horrible.

Oh boy. I heard from my tribe today. I could pretty much have a job with them.. if I could move up there by April 26. That means getting my thesis done by then.. and getting my advisors permission to leave and still file my thesis. Hmmmm...

I don't know how I could possibly move to another city with only whatever fits in a couple suit cases. What would I pack besides clothes and laptop?

I have felt so lost for the past year. I haven't been able to see a future for myself. I had no drive or goals beyond forcing myself to complete this degree. I have no idea who I am, or who I should be, or where I should be going.

So I need to reinvent myself. I need to set goals and make plans. So I have been trying to set goals today. Some are large and some are small.

1 - I want to be a known American Indian / Tlingit activist, with a role in my tribe's future.

2 - I am thinking I could be a docent at the Museum of Man in Balboa park.

3 - I want to make sure to participate at every Goth Volunteer Alliance event.

4 - I'd like to start going to Goffee or find some folks who'd wanna hang out and have coffee once or twice a week.

5 - I need to keep doing the elliptical machine at the gym, 45 minutes each day, 6 days a week.

6 - On the 7th day I want to go for a long bike ride, preferably with a bike riding club. But if not, I can settle for running my dog around Catalina while I bike.

7 - Monday, Wednesday and Friday I will swim 40 minutes in the pool. Serious laps, no floating about all lazy like.

8 - I need to get working on my regalia.

9 - Have to get my thesis done. I should probably plan to work on it every day from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m.

10 - Get some kind of online business degree to supplement my Master's in American Indian studies so that I can work for Sealaska Corporation. Financing it is going to be tricky. I may have used up all my college funds. And I'd have to be paying back my loans if I am only taking online classes.

11 - Give up all foods high in sugar, with a treat no more than once/month.

12 - Way further down the road, after I get a good job and my own place, I am going to see about fostering a native child with the eventual intent to adopt. I'd kinda like another dog too, but that might be too much.

So... that's me I guess, for now. Mainly that just makes me an Indian college student that exercises a lot. I might want to go to Sabbat (goth nightclub) twice a month for some balance. If that doesn't feel like enough, I can buy another camera and take pictures. Now I need to go buy a bike.

Holy crap. I might become a real person again!

Woke up early this morning because I have been having such bad anxiety and nightmares. My mom said I was talking or yelling in my sleep all night. She was awake because a big coyote came to her sliding glass bedroom door and her bitchy white cat was yowling it's bitchy little head off. Once I was up, my mom and I went to the swap meet. She goes every single Sunday morning. Whenever I go I end buying a bunch of dvd movies and jewelry I will never wear. Today was no exception. I also got a cute pair of brown leather sandals with a turquoise buckle (or something hard to describe) on them. Once we came home, my mom and dad and I all went down to the pool. My mom bought us matching kickboards at the swapmeet so we kicked away for 20 minutes or so. I still feel a little guilty for not going to the gym. Saturday, she and I had walked all over Belmont Park taking pictures for her art class assignment and then had a huge plate of nachos at the wave house restaurant. Nachos and margaritas were definitely not on the diet. Neither was the waffle cone Sundae i had this afternoon. After the pool, the whole family went down to ocean beach and got chocolate truffle waffle cones with whipped cream and hot fudge, etc. Then we took Grayson to the dog park. There was a gorgeous red husky named Malachi (but was female, go figure) who came up and loved on me and my mom a bunch and the owner was shocked. She says the dog usually stays away from people she doesn't know.

Of course I am lightly sunburned from today's activities but not too much.

After we got home I spent a couple hours designing a costume for one of my super heroes on Champions Online. I swear I spend more time fixing the costumes than playing.. its like virtual Barbies or something.

And now I am bored and tired and trying to fight off the blues that are always there, even when I have a good day. Going to read a chapter in one of my swapmeet purchases (which seemed to be a whole bunch of werewolf romance novels) and get to sleep. I have to go to the gym in the morning, and work on my thesis during the day. All 3 of my thesis committee members wants copies of it, and I have to work with them a lot now until its totally finished. If there's time, my mom and I are going to start sewing regalia for the Celebration event in June.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend.

I think I have a cold. Sore throat and body, tired and sweating. I am not sure if I have a fever since I don't have a thermometer. Going to go back to bed now.

This is a horrible advertisement for women in science. My first thought was that the gecko could poop while on her face.. and then realized it could also suggest something much worse. This is just REALLY bad marketing.

I went for a hike in Mission Gorge trails this afternoon and about 10 minutes I fell and sprained my ankle really bad. I probably would have a broken ankle except that I already broke that ankle a few years ago and have a metal rod there now. Damn it. So much for my plans to run the treadmill and hike every day. I don't know if I will even be able to walk for a couple days. Right now I am crawling and hopping when I have to move. This sucks.

This song keeps running through my mind...

------
It doesn't hurt me
Do you want to feel how it feels
Do you want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me
Do you want to hear about the deal I'm making
You
It's you and me

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building

Say if I only could oh...

You don't want to hurt me
But see how deep the bullet lies
Unaware I'm tearing you asunder
Oh there is thunder in our hearts
Is there so much hate for the ones we love

Tell me we both matter don't we
You
It's you and me
It's you and me, you won't be unhappy

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with god
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
Be running up that building

If I only could...

You
It's you and me
It's you and me, you won't be unhappy

Come on baby, come on darling
Let me steal this moment from you now
Come on angel, come on, come on darling
Let's exchange the experience, oh...

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems...

And if I only could
Be running up that hill
With no problems.

Sooooo... whats everyone's plans for today?