Isolating badly, afraid to be seen like this.
I have been anorexic for 23 years. I gained weight when I was pregnant with my babies, that was so so hard but it was a miracle I got pregnant as I was told by several docs that I would not bear children bc of my ED. I lost the baby weight in lightening speed and I do not gain weight. I am terrified of weight gain, always have been. This past year I have had a lot of things happen that worsened my PTSD..being retraumatized..I have been going through all that, new symptoms and well I suppose I went into survival mode. I am afraid to go out so yea I’m isolating severely, flashbacks, bad insomnia, feel deeply sad, severe anxiety, panic attacks and I started to eat things that I have never eaten before. I’m 5’4 and always weigh around 90 lbs..I go up to 95 and back down..now I am 122 lbs. I feel so ashamed. I cannot look at myself, now I am even more afraid of going places. I know there will be someone who will say something to me..like you gained weight oh thank goodness or they think it. I am very intuitive, a blessing and a curse. I feel disgusting like this, I cannot stand the feeling of being in my own skin. I am not at all egotistical, my ED isn’t about that. It’s hard to explain. I see beauty in all people, I am a kind loving person yet I am like this to myself. I have to lose it asap and I am going to, some people may say your killing yourself but by getting back to my normal underweight self I am saving myself. People who do not live with an ED do not understand how life threatening the deep depression and self hatred is. When we lose control and gain weight every issue we cope with is magnified a thousand times. Our bodies don’t feel like ours, it is all so much, it is suffocating..truly, I feel like I cannot breathe, I feel trapped, I am consumed with shame and sadness. So I must starve, I’ve done it most of my life, it isn’t hard to do. I have to do this so I can breathe again, so I can tolerate being in my skin. I have to starve this fat off of me so I do not drown in self hate and depression bc that could prove deadly. I do not need to eat, I know how to do this. I’m not proud of it, i am not bragging at all, I am just being honest, seems like honesty is becoming more and more rare in this world. This is my truth. I hate that I let this happen..I had no body fat, no breasts..I was comfortable in that state of tiny-ness..always. I need to be comfortable like that asap.
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