This used to be one of those "friends only" pages, i've just been to lazy to figure out what backdate i should set it to...
this journal is public.. it's been public, friends only, public, friends only, private, and now it's going back to public yet again... I'taken the "fuckitall" pill and if you have something nasty to say to me... well go ahead... I have no quams ignoring you. so long and thanks for all the fish.
Dear mom, If you stumble upon this journal.. please don't read it! Thanks! love, your daughter.
I feel generally unenthusiastic about things. I know it dosne't seem like it to those who follow my life online. There's babies, and acro, and the gym, and work... But I really feel like I'm just going through the motions and puttin on a bit of a show for folks online.
I don't talk to people much. I rarely, if ever, hang out with friends. I only have superficial friendships and an online presence. The only thing I get excited for is my ext meal, which means I eat, a LOT. Which is making me fater, which is making me depressed and more isolated.
Sitting on a beam, the guys were talking about how another stagehand's daughter was knocked up. "Well what did he expect ater bringing her here" "I would never bring my daughter to work here" (please note, she wasen't knocked up by a stagehand.)
of course I perked up at that and gave them a look, "Oh you don't think this is a good environment for women?"
they caught on sort of and ran with compliments instead of their train of tought: "Well not you, you're tough enough, but like, other women"
I left it alone, it was 3am. I didn't want to pick fights with my coworkers.
But why would you bring a son to work and not a daughter? What does that say about your workplace? So you openly admit it is more hostile to women? What have you done to make that better? Do you think you contribute to it? Would you then turn around and say that sexisim doesn't exist in our job?
Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into a fucking rock. So much so that when I call people out for racist/sexist/homophobic or other social slurs and they say, "aww are you offended?" I want to laugh in their face. It is really hard to offend me now a days, because I've become a mother fucking rock.
But just because I'm not offended, doesn't mean i'm going to let them slip into being shitty motherfuckers.
Also, when people "debunk" the wage gap myth I want to point out that the wardrobe department is a specialization department in the stagehand workd, but they often get box pusher rates. That is also the job they push women towards. Meanwhile, rigging is one of the highest rates, and more often then not, there are two or less women on a rigging call at a time. *grumbles*
also, I'm fucking lonely, but I've read a lot of books.
I am a hot mess of lonely and I don't know how to fix it. Heck, the thought of even trying feels too daunting and scary. I haven't hooked up with anyone in a while. I haven't seen my friends or done anything fun or party like in a while. (and I think the last time I did I left miserable) I don't have anything in common with coworkers other then weird hours.
I made over 70k last year. That sounds pretty fucking adult. Why don't I have any of my shit together?
I think a lot of my bad eating habits are self destructive in nature. I feel similar levels of feelings when I go out and binge on food as when i used to self injure. I know I don't want to eat that much. I know it doens't taste as good anymore, and that It is making me uncomfortable. I know I don't have to clear my plate, or order the appetizer and the entree, or eat the whole carton. I don't want to, but as I'm only a sort of third party in my head going, "this is stupid, this is not ok" as I'm shoveling spoon full and forkfull into my face. It's just more socially acceptable to eat so much you feel sick and hate yourself, then to scratch holes in your skin. You can quit most self distructive bad habits, but you just can't quit food altogether.
I feel like there is nothing interesting left about me. I work and I work out. I talk about both to death. To the point where I'm sure everyone who deals with me is pretty effin sick of both.
I wish I had juicy relationship gossip or NRE or anything to talk about. But I don't. I'm just boring now.
I wanna be boring while being cuddled. :\
In other news. It's hard for me to get over the fact that I'm no longer "the fat friend". In my head I will always be the fat friend. I wouldn't even consider anyone else that because it's fucking awful and rude, but we do horrible things to ourselves that we won't do to others. In my head I'm still bigger then all of my friends and that translates to be being unloveable. I'm still the one who is on the sidelines of someone else's story because who lets the fat friend be the leading lady?
I saw the hunchback of notre dame the other day at the Papermill and it gave me feels because they did the song "Out There" which I used to listen to all the time. There's a call and response between Frollo and Quasimodo... F: You are deformed. Q: I am deformed. F: And you are ugly. Q: And I am ugly. F: And these are crimes for which the world shows little pity. You do not comprehend... Q: you are my one defender. F: Out there they will revile you as a monster. Q: I am a monster. F: out there they will hate and scorn and jeer. Q: only a monster...
I sometimes feel like I keep myself locked away in my own mental belltower, and my insecurities are my own personal Frollo telling me I'm only a monster.
It's amazing how you can simultaneously feel so fucking good about yourself, and still so insecure and terrified that people might actually see YOU and realize you are a monster.
I kind of had sex with this guy the other night at his place. We were in a den type area on a massive farm by a wood burning cast iron stove. Unfortunately, he was having some medical issues and they had put him on a new medication, which made his boner, a bummer (hence the "kind of"). So instead of an epic round of fucking, we actually just touched each other, a LOT, and talked for about 3 hours. Every now and then he would just cup my face in his hands and seem so astonished, "You're just so beautiful."
Times like that feel so great and make me really wish I had a significant other. Someone who I have that kind of intimacy and those feelings with more often then... rarely to never.
geeky