amber_phoenix

For the past several years, $spouse and I have been trying out a birthday ritual for ourselves and our kids (and sometimes dear friends when we get the opportunity). We got it from The Holy Universe by David Christopher. At a birthday celebration dinner, before candles and dessert, the birthday person shares the following:

• One thing they've learned in the last year
• Two things they're looking forward to in the coming year
• Three things they're grateful for

Then, three (or more!) people at the dinner share short stories or memories illustrating something they appreciate about the birthday person. Then there's dessert :)

So... it's my birthday. Celebration dinner will happen sometime after the rest of the M clan gets back from CA, but I thought I'd take a stab at the questions here as well:

One thing I've learned is that thing I feel I keep learning, with new layers each time -> we're just. never. done. When I was younger I was prone to the belief that *at some point* adults had things figured out. I've been letting go of this belief ever since my high school graduation (ok, maybe earlier). This year I got layers of how true "we've never done" is at work. No executive at any company I've ever worked for has actually had everything figured out; not the good ones, and not the bad ones, no matter what they said. We're all fumbling, ideally doing the best we can with what we've got. The closer I get to executive level, the more clear it is that often one just has to make a decision despite lack of information, or of confidence. Being the "adult" or the "expert" means being willing to make a call, even if it might be wrong, because someone has to.

Two things I'm looking forward to -> I'm going to Iceland! With a small bunch of awesome people! And we're sleeping in bubbles! (For real!) I'm also giving a talk at a conference, which is terrifying (and probably related to that thing I learned/am learning about work and expertise).

Three things I'm grateful for -> The number of wise and beautiful people in my life, who are still in my life, and the way those friendships are gaining longevity. The small bits of grace that nature hands me daily - the flowers in Somerville gardens, summer tomatoes, the tiny bunny (whose name is maybe "Trefoil") who has been eating the clover in our yard, the moon last night, the trees along route 2. A family that grounds and connects and pushes me to be my best.

(And much much more.)

Happy birthday to me!

(If you have a copy, go listen to the Lula "Happy Birthday" song and celebrate with me. Since making people listen to that is my previous birthday ritual.)

 I don't really know what to say about Sonoma County after the fires. There's is so much that is completely untouched, and also so much loss. The farm and its people will definitely recover. Some of their neighbors? Who knows. I took some pictures, in lieu of a whole swath of words.

I grew up with the tradition of tithing (giving 10% of one's income) to the church. As an adult no longer in a church, I continue this practice by giving 10% of my take home income to charity. (nb: I feel very blessed to be able to do so easily. Posting this should in no way imply that I think everyone can or should.) Most of the time, this is in ongoing monthly donations, but a few times a year I get either a "fat month" check (when you're paid every other week, but budget monthly, there are two months a year with three checks instead of two -> "fat month") or a bonus and (hooray!) next week is bonus week.

This leads me to the question - what charities or causes are you favoring right now? I tend toward food justice, racial justice, and small orgs in general (though I also support places like the ACLU, SPLC, and Planned Parenthood because, well, the current administration). Do you know of any I may be missing?

On my current list:

I'm unconvinced that "Strong" was ever "the New Pretty" or that "New Pretty" was ever something I really wanted, but going for capable (and stronger than expected) has long been one of the ways I figured out how to live in this body. I'm not the fastest or most graceful of runners, but I like that I can run, even if it's slowly and for relatively short distances, so I keep at it. I still can't do a pull-up, but I can do 10 regulation push-ups in a set, and I couldn't do one a year ago, so it's something.

I keep at it by being cheerfully susceptible to the suggestion of random goals (pull-ups, plank challenges, signing up for a 5k series, etc.). Currently I'm working through a push-up challenge (http://www.health.com/fitness/this-50-push-up-challenge-will-transform-your-body-in-30-days) because it got mentioned in conversation at work. I'm 23 days in and just did day 18. By day 40, I may be done with the 30 day challenge.

Next up, I think, is this: http://www.bostontri.com/. I just need a wetsuit (not really, but maybe I'll try using one this time), a bike, and to actually train.

What challenges are you up to these days?

It feels like how I've been getting through, for quite a while (since that November, if not before) now, is simply one step at a time, focusing on what's in front of me, but not allowing expectations to get too high or goals to get too ambitious. Chop wood. Carry water. Cry over something, take a breath, and start with what's in front of me again.

This works surprisingly well. I can trick myself into some slow but steady growth and bigger plans by putting them in increments in my to-doom list. I've taken up running (slowly, for relatively short distances) and haven't quit yet. I have almost daily (tiny) yoga and meditation practices. I've written to my representatives and kept abreast of some of the news. Work is challenging, but in mostly great ways, and I'm managing it. I'm still there for my family and (quietly) for my friends. (I hope.) I have what feels like a deep and grounded home life. There are small joys and comforts and accomplishments and ways to give.

There are things I don't have: I'm hosting and attending fewer larger community events. I'm often in bed well before 10pm. I'm not reading many books or writing many anythings or baking much that's new. I'm not great at long pauses, either to revel in joy or let myself fully feel sorrow. I feel muted, turned down, and so tired much of the time. Not depressed, exactly, as it manifests for me, just keeping on keeping on, quietly. Leaving the light on in my heart, sharing it with those I can.

Chop wood. Carry water. Deep breath, then another. Look up, look around, take a step. It's not a bad way to get by.

Can you pick up where you left off? Maudlin, but overall hopeful? 4 years later and some of the internal landscape feels the same, though the times have changed. I'm still maudlin and hopeful, much of the time.

There's a small movement afoot to return to longer form social journaling, so here I am, trying it out. Hello new/old friends, let's see where February takes us.