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Meteor shower strikes again. Another passage into a different life.
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There's that weather again, grey and misty, all winter and memories. With that familiar muted light and the voices gathered in the living room, it feels like Christmas morning. There's an old song on the stereo and I'm thinking about an old ghost, an echo that follows me around everywhere. Somehow all the people I loved the most followed me this far. This week I saw almost every single important person in my life. Everything I've done in my life orbits around me; once in awhile, someone swings back into view like a faithful comet. Remember this, I say to myself, what you used to tell yourself is true: you carry everyone you love around inside of you. If you want them to stay in your life, they probably will. Be someone worth remembering; be someone worth knowing. There's a tissue thin curtain descending between now and then. I'm letting the past settle comfortably into the past. I'm taking inventory of what I've kept. I'm making peace.
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I GRADUATED COLLEGE TODAY!
U.C. Santa Cruz, Class of 2010
Bachelor of Arts in Politics
Highest Honors in the Major
Bachelor of Arts in Legal Studies
Highest Honors in the Major
Today has been beautiful, bittersweet, surprising, and altogether wonderful. Today felt like it used to in sophomore year, when everybody was just glad to be around each other, enjoying everyone's success, happiness exuding from their very bodies. My parents cried when they saw me after the ceremony, my grandmother cried when we found out I got highest honors in both my majors, I cried realizing I'll never see so many of my friends together in one place again. Maybe the best part was when I was just sitting on the bleachers while some commencement speakers droned on, cracking jokes and fanning myself in a sea of friends. That's the feeling I want to remember more than anything else: being jammed together with a dear friend on all sides, with everybody I love right where I always wanted them, safe and close to me.
And now I'm going out into the night.
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Today is the sixth anniversary of this Livejournal.
Today I finished college.
Today I finished college.
(no subject)
Today was my last day of class at UC Santa Cruz. There's a breeze outside and I can hear the sea lions barking from the shore.
that wild, sweet liberty which once made American girlhood a long rapture
L.A. was alternately frustrating and magical; I remembered why I hate that city and why I love everybody I know who lives there. What matters in the end is that I saw new places, reunited with old friends, got some sunshine and good food, and bought too many books. I can feel myself entering that transitory stage now that college is ending, and all I want to do is clutch on to everyone I know to make sure I can carry them with me wherever I go.
[ 50 books project ]
I'm off to a slow start with this year's challenge, but I figure after I graduate I'll have much more time for reading, especially if I head off to a farm. I've got about eleven books half-read, I just need to finish them (Werner Herzog, I will conquer those last fifty pages!). 2007/2008/2009
1. A High Wind in Jamaica - Richard Hughes
2. Sleepwalk and Other Stories - Adrian Tomine
3. Indian Summer - William D. Howells
4. The Great Crash 1929 - James K. Galbraith
5. The Big Book of Sex Toys - Tristan Taormino (for work!)
6. How to Sell Anything To Anybody - Joe Girard
7. All The Laws But One - William H. Rehnquist
8. The Defining Moment: FDR's Hundred Days and the Triumph of Hope - Jonathan Alter
9. Power and the Presidency - Robert Wilson, ed.
10. Fool's Gold: How the Bold Dream of a Small Tribe at JP Morgan Was Corrupted by Wall Street Greed and Unleashed A Catastrophe - Gillian Tett
11. Unchecked and Unbalanced - Arnold Kling
12. The Collapse of Fortress Bush: The Crisis of Authority in American Government - Alasdair Roberts
13. Backlash: The Killing of the New Deal - Robert Shogan
14. The Dud Avocado - Elaine Dundy
15. Fred & Edie - Jill Dawson
16. Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut
17. The Day the World Came To Town - Jim Defede
18. Lords of Finance: The Bankers Who Broke The World - Liaquat Ahmed
19. Delicate Edible Birds - Lauren Groff
20. Mariette in Ecstasy - Ron Hansen
21. Where I Was From - Joan Didion
22. How the Irish Saved Civilization - Thomas Cahill
23. The Ghost Map: The Story of London's Most Terrifying Epidemic - and How It Changed Science, Cities, and the Modern World - Steven Johnson
24. 101 Things I Learned in Architecture School - Matthew Frederick
25. The Outcry - Henry James
26. The Great Derangement - Matt Taibbi
27. Marlene - Marlene Dietrich
28. Blood on the Table: The Greatest Cases of New York City's Office of the Chief Medical Examiner - Colin Evans
29. Wolves At The Door - Judith L. Pearson
30. Wish Her Safe At Home - Stephen Benatar
31. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Charles Dodgson
32. Their Eyes Were Watching God - Zora Neale Hurston
33. The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford - Ron Hansen
34. The Mysterious Affair at Styles - Agatha Christie
35. The Hound of the Baskervilles - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
36. Her Fearful Symmetry - Audrey Niffenegger
37. Atticus - Ron Hansen
38. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
39. A Study in Scarlet - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
40. The Sign of the Four - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
41. Devil in the White City - Erik Larsen
42. Letters of a Nation - Andrew Carroll
43. And The Heart Says Whatever - Emily Gould
44. Big Girls Don't Cry - Rebecca Traister
45. Clandestine in Chile - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
46. Sarah's Key - Tatiana De Rosnay
47. Zeitoun - Dave Eggers
48. Serena - Ron Rash
49. A Tree Grows In Brooklyn - Betty Smith
50. The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks - Rebecca Skloot
51. The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer - Siddhartha Mukherjee
52. Death Is Not An Option - Suzanne Rivecca
1. A High Wind in Jamaica - Richard Hughes
2. Sleepwalk and Other Stories - Adrian Tomine
3. Indian Summer - William D. Howells
4. The Great Crash 1929 - James K. Galbraith
5. The Big Book of Sex Toys - Tristan Taormino (for work!)
6. How to Sell Anything To Anybody - Joe Girard
7. All The Laws But One - William H. Rehnquist
8. The Defining Moment: FDR's Hundred Days and the Triumph of Hope - Jonathan Alter
9. Power and the Presidency - Robert Wilson, ed.
10. Fool's Gold: How the Bold Dream of a Small Tribe at JP Morgan Was Corrupted by Wall Street Greed and Unleashed A Catastrophe - Gillian Tett
11. Unchecked and Unbalanced - Arnold Kling
12. The Collapse of Fortress Bush: The Crisis of Authority in American Government - Alasdair Roberts
13. Backlash: The Killing of the New Deal - Robert Shogan
14. The Dud Avocado - Elaine Dundy
15. Fred & Edie - Jill Dawson
16. Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut
17. The Day the World Came To Town - Jim Defede
18. Lords of Finance: The Bankers Who Broke The World - Liaquat Ahmed
19. Delicate Edible Birds - Lauren Groff
20. Mariette in Ecstasy - Ron Hansen
21. Where I Was From - Joan Didion
22. How the Irish Saved Civilization - Thomas Cahill
23. The Ghost Map: The Story of London's Most Terrifying Epidemic - and How It Changed Science, Cities, and the Modern World - Steven Johnson
24. 101 Things I Learned in Architecture School - Matthew Frederick
25. The Outcry - Henry James
26. The Great Derangement - Matt Taibbi
27. Marlene - Marlene Dietrich
28. Blood on the Table: The Greatest Cases of New York City's Office of the Chief Medical Examiner - Colin Evans
29. Wolves At The Door - Judith L. Pearson
30. Wish Her Safe At Home - Stephen Benatar
31. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Charles Dodgson
32. Their Eyes Were Watching God - Zora Neale Hurston
33. The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford - Ron Hansen
34. The Mysterious Affair at Styles - Agatha Christie
35. The Hound of the Baskervilles - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
36. Her Fearful Symmetry - Audrey Niffenegger
37. Atticus - Ron Hansen
38. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
39. A Study in Scarlet - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
40. The Sign of the Four - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
41. Devil in the White City - Erik Larsen
42. Letters of a Nation - Andrew Carroll
43. And The Heart Says Whatever - Emily Gould
44. Big Girls Don't Cry - Rebecca Traister
45. Clandestine in Chile - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
46. Sarah's Key - Tatiana De Rosnay
47. Zeitoun - Dave Eggers
48. Serena - Ron Rash
49. A Tree Grows In Brooklyn - Betty Smith
50. The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks - Rebecca Skloot
51. The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer - Siddhartha Mukherjee
52. Death Is Not An Option - Suzanne Rivecca
(no subject)
There's an old man who walks around downtown, carrying a boombox with piano music and playing invisible keys with his fingers. I see him often, and wondered what his story was. Today he came over to me as I was reading and introduced himself, and when I asked him why he did what he did all day he told me this:
When he was seventy years old, he sat down at a piano without any formal training, barely able to read a note of music, with only five years or so of informal tinkering in his background. To his surprise, he created eighteen songs that were beautiful, and he recorded them all to remember the magic. He thought his music had healing powers, that his music helped others transcend the depressive state to the romantic state. He had finally found another place to play piano, a center for rehabilitation filled with depressives and heavily medicated addicts. He wasn't sure he would be able to produce anymore beautiful songs, but he said, "If I could help even one person feel better, then it would be as though I were famous."
As I was walking home today, I thought about the revelations that the boys in my life made to me this year. For so long my greatest fear was that I would disappear for them, that I would walk around the rest of my life with them inside me, and they would forget me happily as they moved through their futures. But there have been a few moments, from unexpected corners, which revealed the way I lingered for them. It meant so much to me, to know that I am enough of a person to leave traces for others. It helps me get through these last few months in Santa Cruz, knowing that I won't be effaced when I leave. Just to know that I helped them feel better, to know that I made them feel loved, to know that I was important for them, made me feel content with my life and myself in a new way. I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I always wanted to be.
When he was seventy years old, he sat down at a piano without any formal training, barely able to read a note of music, with only five years or so of informal tinkering in his background. To his surprise, he created eighteen songs that were beautiful, and he recorded them all to remember the magic. He thought his music had healing powers, that his music helped others transcend the depressive state to the romantic state. He had finally found another place to play piano, a center for rehabilitation filled with depressives and heavily medicated addicts. He wasn't sure he would be able to produce anymore beautiful songs, but he said, "If I could help even one person feel better, then it would be as though I were famous."
As I was walking home today, I thought about the revelations that the boys in my life made to me this year. For so long my greatest fear was that I would disappear for them, that I would walk around the rest of my life with them inside me, and they would forget me happily as they moved through their futures. But there have been a few moments, from unexpected corners, which revealed the way I lingered for them. It meant so much to me, to know that I am enough of a person to leave traces for others. It helps me get through these last few months in Santa Cruz, knowing that I won't be effaced when I leave. Just to know that I helped them feel better, to know that I made them feel loved, to know that I was important for them, made me feel content with my life and myself in a new way. I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I always wanted to be.
remember this
Another instance of Things Worth Doing: getting over my body's complaints, getting over the rain, getting a shower, getting dressed, going to Izaak's goodbye party, seeing everybody I love, dancing and drinking and singing along, being a good fan, being a good friend, feeling utterly comfortable and loved, feeling grateful beyond words, feeling ready for everything. If everything that I love here has to disintegrate in the end, it was so beautiful to have everybody gather together before they scatter, it was so beautiful to have my whole cumulative life here gathered around, close and happy. If I accomplish nothing else in this town, I built this life and I'm so proud of it.