Toohey.

This journal is friends only. Sad, I know. But, if you feel like reading all of these somewhat useless entires then you can feel free to add me to your friends list, just leave a comment to let me know who added me. For your visual pleasure, though, here is Joaquin. He's so very handsome.

Things have been a bit difficult lately with Ollie, not because we have any issues, but because of his.. personal issues. I love him. I can't believe how quickly he's become a major part of my life. I get jaded sometimes because I feel like we've been together for so long, even though it's only been since April. We've been talking everyday since August of last year (except for those few days when I had to go to asshole's family's place for Christmas). That's not happening again, he means too much for me to not talk to. I still have a bit of a jealousy thing with his ex girlfriend, but they were together for 4 years.. I'm okay until he mentions when they were together. I don't have anything against her or anything, I just instantly get this image of them like laying together in bed like we do and it really gets under my skin. I had a dream about that a few months ago.. it was really disturbing. Ollie and I had recently broken up and we were alone at a house and he had her over and they were cuddling in bed and in the dream that just totally broke my heart. I know it's stupid, but I couldn't help it.. it was a dream. I had another horrible dream on June 27th.. I had to type it out just so I wouldn't forget because it felt SO real.. I honestly felt and smelt my dad.. I'll copy and paste it in real quick.

"

Today I had a really messed up dream..I woke up around 11:30 on June 27^th crying. Dad and I were driving around Louisville in the Porsche and he was asking me if I wanted to go to the gym to play basketball, I told him I don't do gyms but that we could go to the park the next day (it was Tuesday, I have no classes on Wednesday) and he asked me if I remembered how we used to play pick-up games when I was little and I said I did and that we'd play in the backyard and stuff.. he went on to wonder why we never played baseball games and I agreed but said that its probably because we didn't have enough players, that its no fun to only have two people batting.. I was thinking of things to ask him to do the next day so we could hang out but then I realized that he' s dead and I started crying and trying to call mom and that's when I woke up.. its weird because the entire car smelled like dad's bed used to smell, I could smell him everywhere. It felt so real and I was 22, I was how I am now but he's just like he was when I was in high school..

"

I'm not even going to glance through that because I know it's going to make me start crying. I'm having a rough time tonight because I got into a big fight with mom about what Ollie does.. I know what he does isn't good for him, or for me, but I can't stop him. I understand he's addicted and that his body physically needs it but I also know that he can overcome it. He doesn't have the willpower to do it. I can't be the one to force him. It's hard, I hate seeing him do that because I know what it does.. I think the coke bothered me a lot more though, it disgusts me. Even these pills drive me crazy, but I'm more understanding I guess. I think I'm just scared of what's going to happen to him.. I mean, dad dead, Eric's in jail.. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him.. which is one reason why I don't want to push the subject with him. He knows the risks that he's taking, he knows the police are cracking down on that more than anything. I really like our life together with Fred.. he makes me happy.

I know I haven't updated in so long. Life on the rez can really suck you in. I've been busy with friends, parties, babysitting. But I've been thinking a lot about how the past three years has been a waste of time.. what have I accomplished? I got my head thoroughly fucked with from Josh, I gained a few friends who I'm not really all that into and I've gotten drunk and high a lot. Alright, awesome. Now what? I applied for the University of Ottawa but I still haven't heard back and it makes me just want to cry. I know it's my fault this shit hasn't been sent in yet.. but what if I don't accepted? It's scary. I don't know what I'll do if I don't. Geez.

And now my emotions are all involved with Cochise and he simply doesn't trust me like he says he does. Why else would he question me all the time? Whatever. He's going to come to Montreal next month to come visit me and I want to badly to stay the night with him. I will not have sex with him, it's too early for that... that would just fuck me up even more. And after Josh, that's the last thing I need. Yesterday Stacy and I were going for a walk and Josh and Petey drove by and Stacy freaked out because she thinks Josh looks just like Cochise. Maybe he does and that's why I picked him? Maybe I'm really not through with Josh.. or maybe I am and I'll just always be attached to him because he was my first. I've just been having a really rough night. I can't sleep well because of this fucking rash on my arm and cheek that I got from the water at Oka Park (which shouldn't even be Oka Park, that's native land..) and I've been thinking and thinking and just plain upset. Last night Cochise and I got in out first 'fight' even tho it was hardly that. I was already all upset and he kept joking around like he always does but this time it upset me even more rather than making me laugh like usual so I got pissy with him and he got upset and we both hurt each others feelings. And I hate it because I can't see him. He's the greatest guy I've met and no one seems to understand that. He treats me so well. Yeah, so he's into designer shit.. don't you think I make fun of him for that? It's not fair for my family and friends to say all this shit about him. He says it doesn't matter and that people will always talk shit, but I really care about him and it hurts me to hear things like that said about him. He's a wonderful person. He works really hard to earn money (and he doesn't run any fucking cigarettes or sell drugs or any of that bullshit) and he doesn't drink and party and get fucked up.. imagine, a native man who doesn't do any of that and actually works and lives off of a reservation. He actually pays rent, holy fuck. I don't know.. I think things could really work with him. Yeah, he's a bit weird and acts black, haha, but I accept him as he is and I love the guy.

Tonight is the powwow in Kahnawake. I'm going with the girls. It's been a while since we've all gone out! And there's this new rock bar opening up downtown on Crescent and I'm all excited because they have LIVE BANDS! Yes. And I like Thursday's and all, but it's a fucking meat market. Everytime I go there I put my ring on my other hand and pretend I'm married. Our group of girls is pretty dysfunctional.. Karyn, Lisa, mom, me and Allix now here and there. Karyn and Lisa defintely have their issues and then add in a mother-daughter and then Lisa and Allix are sisters.. it's jsut strange.

Pyro died a few days ago.. that was really scary to come home to. Stacy and I were out for a walk and we were going to go see James but I had to check on the dogs and give Pyro wated since he was outside on the zip line thing. We get here, Zach's asleep and Gio's peeing all over himself because he's so excited. I go out to check on Pyro and he's not moving and there are flies all over him and I start to freak out. I don't really want to talk about it at the moment so I'll write later..

http://www.yousendit.com/download/…

That's the link to the second Jonas CD The Suite Life. The track life list is as follows:
1. Here She Comes
2. Let It Ride
3. Bows and Arrows
4. Pony
5. Sweet Disaster
6. In Front of You
7. Pass in Time
8. Blacklight
9. Supersexme
10. Relax
11. Did it All for You
12. Best You Got
13. Dream About

http://www.yousendit.com/download/…

That's the link to the first Jonas CD CD Final. The track list is as follows:
1. Daddy
2. Comin' Back Again
3. Like a River
4. Burn the House Down
5. Show Me
6. Fascination
7. Something Beautiful
8. By the Bed
9. Same 'Ol G
10. When the Rain Stops
11. Edge of Seventeen

Just a few hours after we got the dial-up internet, the phone was cut off because my grandmother insists on not using my beloved Distributel when making long distance calls. The bill for just two months was $400! That's crazy. But whatever, we paid it. We also went on some nice little shopping trips. Not to New York though, which is what we'll be doing soon. Oh how I miss the states.

And we've got a digital camera now, so I'll be taking sooo many more photos. Oh my! That reminds me of my friend Alex in London! I can't believe I haven't e-mailed him in so long. That makes me feel horrible. I'll have to do that, like, yesterday. But anyways, my older brother is doing much better. Since this is his first major fuck-up, they're going to go lenient on him.. especially since he's taking a plea bargain. So he'll have the real trial in a few months and then he'll be out for a while and then he'll have to serve 1-2 years. And he's already served about a month and a half in jail, so that's pretty good. He's written a few letters to us and we've still not written back. I've got, like, four letters I've written to him but no one else has sat down to write to him. I'll just have to get on 'em.

On Saturday, Grandma called the police on us. She's a crazy old bat. She said that mom choked her because grandma was trying to get the crack pipe from her. What really bothered me about this whole situation is that mom's acting like such a child about it all. Grandma always does this, it's nothing new. Mom should be used to it and get the fuck over it. But yeah.. other than that Stacy was in the hospital. She was in a bunch of pain and she went to the hospital and they felt some sort of growth on her kidneys, I think it was. They did x-rays and couldn't find anything. She's out now, and in a lot less pain. We're planning on stealing Carlos' three-wheeler today, haha, because he bought it from Eric (the father of all the kids I babysit) and he told me how to start it without keys.

That's orginally a MySpace thing, but it can be used on nearly any page. I'm just curious as to how I get one entry to stay at the top of my journal at all times.

Today wasn't as bad as yesterday. It still wasn't great though. The GL situation, which I am soon gonna give an awesome name (like Operation Queer, if it were a mission), isn't improving in the least, however. He touched me repeated times.. and 'accidently' (as Magnolia says) touched my boob. I really think it was an accident, but she disagrees.

To the vball team.. well and the whole high school, I'm not all really depressed or anything, this always happens once a month or sometimes twice. Not only is it that girl thing, but also I can't very well be happy all the time and this usually happens.. by next week I'll be my usual perky self. Ugh, perky.. reminds me of GL. Hehe, he was talking to me and did some penis reference.. which only Amber and I got. NIGHTMARES. That's what I will have tonight.

Oh yea, if you don't know who GL is or anything, I can tell you I guess, especially if yu don't go to Walden because I can't have him know. But if you just have some urge to know about him or why me liking him is so bad, then leave a comment with your AIM or something and I can give ya the info.

Mmmm.. this year involves LOTS of reading. Which is what I'm going to leave you to go do. Good day.

Happy birthday Simeon Naydenov!!!

In honor of him, I'm doing a picspam.. though it is small because NO ONE has pictures of him *angry sound*.

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Okay.. now the reason I like him is because of the whole 'tall, pale, scrawny white boy' thing I have going on. Admit it, he's got something about him.. well you don't have to. But for those of you who don't know who Simeon Naydenov is (basically everyone who I don't go to school with), he used to play for the University of Louisville Cardinals.. he was #15 and played for three years because he was on a three year graduating plan. Hmm.. he left not last year, but the year before. Since then he's been playing in France but he's on a summer league for the Mavericks.

In other news, I just got home from practice.. and then five minutes after that I was yelled at by mom because I hadn't unloaded the dishwasher. Well I unloaded it and then loaded it but I hadn't unloaded it again because I was busy doing laundry, cleaning the living room, getting ready for practice and constantly putting aloe vera gel on my sun burn. Fuck her. That's a bunch of shit. Zach doesn't have to do shit but I have to do all of it simply because he goes with her to work and I stay here to go and play volleyball for two hours. But then all I do all day long is sit on my ass, right? I never clean up dog shit or give the animals food or water or do the dishes or anything.

I fucking hate these animals. All Sarah does is bark at things that aren't there so the other two will start barking. And Buddy always goes and shits upstaris and IN MY FUCKING ROOM but no, it's not Buddy at all as mom says. She can clean up after her own damn dog from now on. All he does is shit and do stuff to piss me off. And he does it on purpose, he comes up to me and barks and scratches me when he has food and water and he's been let out. And Mac.. that little shit never stops following me.

I am so pissed about living here. I'm always bitched at for not having the house spotless. Dammit, I'm a 16 year old girl who goes to practice and hangs out with friends. I know that she works for so many hours a day but I don't care. I've offered more than once to go get a job. She always says not until yoour room is clean for a year. Well fine then, when we're evicted from the house then I can blame her for everything. I thought taking drugs all the time would make you more happy and care-free. Yeah, well I suppose herion doesn't do that, eh?

I'm tired of this. I'm gonna go and take a shower.

This was stolen from: explodex.


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Okay.. so I was laying on the floor in my room just trying to understand some Spanish and Italian pop music I burned on a CD and a pair of scissors fell next to my head. I thought my cat was trying to kill me, again. He was sitting on my bed... so I blame him. But anyways, I was playing with the scissors.. just messing around, cutting wierd shapes in my notebook.. carving 'TMR' on my CD binder.. and I got the idea to carve it on my arm. Now, don't go get all creeped out.. It was simply one of those little kid scissors.. so it was hardly even sharp. Meaning I had to push down harder. Haha, well yeah.. I did carve it in my arm.. but it's not a big deal. I didn't draw blood or anything. It'll be gone in about 12 hours or so. I just thought I'd inform you all... I dunno why...

"Al menos ahora, nos miramos sin volver la cara/ las dudas, los sexos, me explotan contra el pecho."