I feel so alone

No, there is no new world. Just times of diversion to confuse my sense of reality. I wish the age of the Aquarius actually meant something for me. I'm rather dissapointed the world didn't end. Although I think that was just a made up misinterpretation and was never a prophecy from the Mayans or anyone else.  I guess it just begun so I should stay hopeful...maybe the affect of the aligning of the planets takes a while or something. More wishful thinking. It seems really that nothing all of a sudden changes in a grand way. I'm tired of being dissapointed, so I think I am just going to accept that there is no dawn of something good. I really tried to be positive today, but I don't want to delude myself. Other people do that for me plenty. I think the way I need to handle this is accept it for what it is and expect nothing else. I just wish I had the strength to leave- but I know I don't.

I have to admit...I feel jealous and left out (you'd think that feeling would be permanently part of me and not sting anymore) but I wish I was invited to go for drinks to celebrate Aaron's finishing school. But I guess him and Cameron are friends and I'm not their friend. Even though I really really wish I was. It would make me really happy- I know because it's hard to hold back  teary eyes while I am typing/thinking about this. I should know that last night was nothing more than the actions of an intoxicated human. It had no meaning, just fun words and sensual actions because it fit the moment and nothing else. Oh how my hope seems to revive it's self from post mortem. It really shouldn't.

I would be happy to die surrounded by the sanctity of Earth. Forest soil under my body, rain dropping into my mouth and carefully splashing on my skin. Gazing up at the dark sky filled with stars and none but the moon witnessing my departure. The fog acknowledging my last breaths.

What peace, What happiness, What tranquility

posted here many years ago, so now this comes full-circle.
Thank you for having this community, though sparse now it is,
to be able to write this to someone but myself...

Am again in a state. Feels like my innards are eating themselves,
Think of this; This becomes that; that becomes something that reminds
me of the One that brings such pain, that even thinking becomes a minefield.
My friends see only the strong me, the one that's 'fine', obviously contented
to rot in this misery just below the surface. And it's not their fault,
the stubborn, tight-lipped ass I am. What am I fighting for.
Maybe a real friend, that could handle what was inside, though every time it comes out,
they balk, and I pretend it isn't actually that bad, though really it's just the surface.
It's days spent fleeing it. Hours spent contemplating this-or-that suicide method.
There's good days, but they feel so deluded...

Want to escape to anything, though know from experience the demons will find me anywhere
on this earth, to tear at my flesh and dreams.

so there is this big mess with me and my only friend
or so i thought there was
apparently at first there wasn't
but i kept pushing for answers which lead to the huge mess
which i still don't understand

but now i fear that i lost/am losing my only real friend i have here

idk what to do
clearly my first instinct of freaking out doesn't help...

i just have no one to talk to anymore
and i worry that it will stay like that

i only wanted to have someone to talk to here
and keep me company
but apparently i can't even have that

Hi,
I'm new here. And I just think I need some help?support? for whatever this is I'm dealing with. I dont know how much I can say in a first post, so I guess I'll post again soon. :(

"I felt a certain dumbing down in the midst of my loneliness. I couldn't read as quickly or as well as I used to. I wasn't as imaginative. I said less. Without people around me, I began to feel as though I were taking up less space. I sometimes felt so ungrounded, so immaterial and unreal, that I thought I might just drift away....

"I changed. This was the hardest thing to accept – that I couldn't be lonely and remain myself. I became less spontaneous, less confident and secure. Interacting with others, I had to hide my feeling of marginalisation, and since marginalisation had come to define my life, I wound up hiding most of myself. I wanted to turn back into the former me, the connected me, but I couldn't find my way back. Loneliness seemed to have dropped me somewhere deserted, without compass or map or much hope of return."

I cannot ever stop feeling sad and lonely. I am thinking about telling my family about how I feel, but I'm not sure how they will react. I don't know what triggered it. I just hate myself all of the time and I have so much stress over everything and... I don't care about anything anymore. All of my friends think that I am pissed off at them or something which only makes things worse and worse. I can't stop feeling like if I died, all of my problems would just dissipate. I have thought about suicide so many times but I love my family and friends and don't know what I would do without them and what they would do without me. Am I too weak to even end all of my misery and solitude? I don't have anything that pleases or interests me. I play the cello and I used to adore playing all the time. Now its like I have to convince myself to be proactive and do something with my time. I hate it so much and if it's just me being a teenager then I hate it and just wanna grow up. I hate everything about my life. I hate my job, my school/work ethic, where I live all of it... I don't know how to tell anyone about my problem or how to fix it. I feel like I'm always sitting in a dark deep hole that is my life. If that's what life is like then hey, it shouldn't be too different from the grave right?

I just told my many boy toys to take a hike. I want my new year to start off right, alone and waiting on the person I'm suppose to be waiting on. Now my phone will stop ringing and I'll go back to where Im going and hopefully I won't get depressed since I'll be there all alone.

I don't have many friends, usually only guys. Now its New Year's Eve and I'm really alone. There's a party going on at my house, but I've just taken my sleeping pills and I'm ready to be alone.
It's also this town that brings me down. Its cold, raining, and brings back memories of my father. I'm ready to be back where I belong, and that's not in the town I grew up in.
But its time for me to be a better person about things, and having those guys in my life, was doing nothing but bringing me down even more. I just want things to be right.

okay so since i've been 14 i've dated this crazy little dude named eric. not the healthiest relationship...i cut myself & i was really self destructive as a teenager & growing up. i'm 21 now. when i was 17 he went into the military & when i turned 18 i married him even though i was like, in love with some girl at the time. i dropped out of highschool yaddayadda ya.
i dated other people & partied a lot & was kinda a bitch. i've done some really shitty stuff to him. finally decided to divorce him & i started dating his best friend.. cuz i'm a cunt & i guess i like him. it's the first time i've been on my own... well & i'm living with my parents. i sit all day everyday & do basically nothing. play world of warcraft. i cry a lot, cuz i miss him & i hate myself.
i think about killing myself a lot because well, i've done really horrible, rude things in my life & i'm so alone now. it doesn't matter how many people i'm around, i still feel alone because i'm not with him.
i mean, i guess i could get better but i dont feel like anything is ever going to get better. & i keep eating. i'm gaining weight. i don't have a car...i never see any of my friends anymore because i am embarrassed about the weight i've gained. it's been like 4 months & i keep getting fatter. i can't fit into my size 3's anymore. dude, i cant fit into anything except my pj pants.

i feel like i'm just in this hole of self doubt & self hatred & i don't know how to get out of it.
i can't make anyone love me. i am sorry for the shit i've done & i don't know what to do.

Here is a link to my blog if anybody wants to read it.
http://inmyhead-paul.blogspot.com/

Introduction:

Well I won't go so far as to say I am depressed... but I do get depressed from time to time. I am 27 and I stress out easily... I really (honestly) have no life. I work, then go home. I loooove to relax, so usually that's all I want to do once I am home.

I get asked out by friends to go hang out, and alot of times I say no thanks (the reason used to be because I had social anxiety)... now, "no" has just become my habitual first response. Well... now people just don't ask me to hang out anymore because I guess they've caught on to the fact that I'm "the girl who always says no".

I have a couple of close friends (really, they are my sister's friends that have become my friends) and I hang out with them kind of often... but they (and my sister) are moms, and all they want to do is be away from their husbands, talk about kids, diss marriage and men, etc. I hate it and stress out over it because I prefer to hang around guys and have some beers, but it's hard to when the only friends I have want the exact opposite. And it doesn't help that my best-guy-friend is such a game player... he's never clear on what he wants or wants to do.

When I try to socialize it's hard, because everyone's already moved on. I feel crippled now days, because I've messed up in the past with my "no" habits, thus really missing out on my 20s, and never gave myself the chance to figure out who I am or HOW I am. And now that I want to fix that and start my life... it's hard, because there's no one around to share it with.

Really sucks.