The time flies feed on rotting clocks.

Another long, painful talk with the boy. More talk of our problems, our losses, our heartbreaks and failings. I lost all hope in him today and i couldn't even look him in the eyes without feeling the knot in my stomach tighten. It's a fun thing to face when you lose all respect, trust and faith in the person you love. I feel sad, sick, completely disgusted with everything that has transpired between us lately. He promised that this time is different, that he means all the things he's sworn so many times before and i want to belive it but i'm so scared to because if he fails again, i don't know how i can ever trust again. I've given so much of myself to him  that there's just nothing left to give now. He promised it'll be different. He promised to be clean, to be honest and to be good to me. It really did sound different this time and i want so badly to believe it but i won't believe anything until it's proven. I never realized how prophetic that post would be when i wrote about him so many months ago and started it off with a CocoRosie lyric: "I fell in love with a bad bad man, ever since i met him i've been sad sad sad..." I won't be sad anymore, not because of him or because of my stupid self-destructive love affair with the needle. He promised to change and i hope, for the sake of my heart and my sanity, that it's true, because i can't keep defending his bullshit to everyone and especially not to myself. This is the last chance. If he really is the love of my life like i thought, then this will prove it and if not, i can't keep wasting time and tears on someone who just didn't care enough to prove it when it was really needed.
{I know you're reading this. Don't make me reget loving you.}

I wish so desperately to look back on all of this and laugh, to prove everyone who gave up on both of us wrong, to laugh in their faces because i'll be somewhere so much better than them.

Had a long, hard talk with an old friend today. Everything came out and we cried together over scars both old and new. So many fucked up things have happened between us, there's been so much hurt. We cried so much and promised to keep ourselves, for each other's sake and for our own. He's going to be gone, leaving for a distant land for a year at this time when i need a friend the most, this time when i am attempting to finally fix myself. He loved me a long time ago, and said that he still does. I said the same. Choices were made, fuck knows if they were the right ones but it doesn't matter anymore, all that matters is what comes next. I have no right to say that i'm alone again, because i know that i have at least one true friend. Even if he'll be on the other side of the world for a while, a long while, at least i found one and that's more than many will ever have so i have no fucking right to pity myself. We pinky swore to try to make things right and a pinky swear is the most sacred of all oaths so now i don't have a choice but to fucking stop running. I'm tired of hating myself and the only way that will stop is if i stop being this person that i hate. I've lost so much but there's always more to lose and always more to gain so it's time to stop all this dead in its tracks and figure out what i need to do in order to create a life that i want to be living. I will keep myself, i will find a way.

And don'tcha know babe, whenever she looks at the clock it's 12:34.

High on weak stimulants and weed. A nice change from my usual vices.

I've given up on actually keeping a record of my day to day life a while ago. There's too much to say and i'm too overwhelmed, all of the time. I don't know how i feel about anything anymore but i will be ok someday and today i felt the first surges of creativity of the year filling my body, that drive to create beauty that has escaped me for so long. This summer will be filled with productivity, i vow it or i'll fucking die trying. "It's too hard to focus through all this doubt, i keep making these to-do lists but nothing gets crossed out." No longer,  I swear things will finally be crossed out.

"The truth is that I'm a bad person. But, that's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already." -Trainspotting
Lies, possibly, but maybe i can believe them into being true. All i know is that i don't know what i want anymore.

"When everything is lonely i can be my own best friend. I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection."
There are lonely summer days ahead of me, days spent sweating out fever dreams in the chill of my tiny home. I will not crack.
"And i talk in the mirror to the stranger that appears. Our converrsations are circles, always one-sided, nothing is clear, except it keeps coming back to this meaning that i lack. He says the choices were given, and now you must live them or just not live... and do you want that?"


Awake, alone, and i've run out of words to say. I think in the words of strangers, these melodies intertwine until they lose all coherence. Or maybe until i do. Lord knows, i haven't found any for a while.

AAlright. Cut the bullshit and pretension, this is going to be honest and direct.

I am getting better.
I am learning to accept how scared i am of this fact and to work past it, hopefully towards a new understanding and the clarity that promises.
I am relearning how to be happy, with and without chemical aides.
I am learning how to stop questioning said happiness and just fucking live it.
I am reluctantly learning to accept the lack of this happiness and the inevitability of encountering this.
I am trying to accept the fact that to experience infinite joy is to know infinite sorrow, and to accept that i must willingly encounter  welcome the latter if i have any hope of acheiving the former.
I feel pretty fucking infinite right now.
I have decided that 'shooting kittens' is the best possible euphemism for injecting ketamine and i will make a serious effort to make this phrase catch on amongst the drug using community. haha

I am in love.
I am ok with this, and i am trying to accept that i am ok with it instead of running and being afraid. I am proud of myself.
I have become a lot more understanding of people and of the cycles they operate on. Every day, i gain new insight on those around me, in both very positive and negative ways. I am learning to stop denying the negative and to accept people's fail- but only to certain extents.
I'm beginning to realize who and what is worth my time, energy and devotion, and distancing myself from anything that doesn't fall in this category. Even though this is extremely painful, i will try to not be afraid.
I am gradually becoming less afraid, of both the present and the future.
I have actually started to believe that there will be a future! When you live each day expecting to not live many more, there's nothing to try for.
I pray that this is more than a passing feeling; a state i can achieve all much of the time if only i put as much effort into being ok as it takes to be not ok.
I'm fucking trying.

I hope you're all ok. <3
always love,
S.

[end transmission]

I seem to find myself falling, but not in a bad way... i think hope. Falling HARD, at that, and i'm petrified. The atrophied heart is reluctantly learning to beat again. I'm scared.

This song is the definition of tragic beauty and i've been listening to it on repeat for longer than is beneficial to my overall mental state, probably. I can't find the version i adore on youtube but i'll upload it if anyone wants it.

Day 1 of TRIP training went amazingly. Being around people who are passionate about something that i believe in so strongly that it shakes me to the very core was intense and life-affirming. I nearly burst into tears while watching a documentary on Insite (Vancouver's supervised injection facility). At the end, there was a shot of a woman, the last to leave. She sat silently, staring into the mirror and there was something so terribly sad about her eyes that i had to fight not to show any cracks. I'm so grateful to live in a city that will pay for harm reduction; it gives me a bit of hope about the state of the world. Most of us start off caring so much and go through a slow process of killing that part of ourselves off, or at least tuning it down to a manageable frequency; work like this is the opposite, it it learning to love and be hurt and keep loving no matter how much it burns away at you on the inside. A swelling of intensity felt deep in the chest cavity and the sky suddenly looks more blue than before. Call me stupid but i'd pick a life in social work over being rich and comfortable any day. Feeling like you have a purpose again is rather nice. =]

My birthday was spent on MDMA with two dear friends and it was perfect, absolutely perfect. The next day, i went to the city with another friend and got pierced, sifted through dusty records, bought my Merzbow ticket (!!!). Spoke in synchronicity and laughed and felt foolishly happy. We walked through the rain to a huge abandoned factory and i felt stunned by how small i am. Sitting by the lake and chainsmoking as ropes creak on rusty boats and the black waters beg to swallow me up inside. Talking about suicide and beauty and the water's so black and solid-looking that it's hard not to imagine what it would feel like to sink, to be enveloped and disappear forever. Tapping into that eternal moment when where you are is exactly where you want to be and there's a low hum coming from everywhere at once and you want to spin in circles and watch your skirt fly up and hope to dissipate. Sublimity sans substances, that simple feeling when you float upwards yet stay on the ground. In love with too many things at once and most of them hurt or don't love me back. Still feel sad all the time when i'm alone for no apparent reason but things have to start making sense sooner or later.

I dream of the day that i'll wake as a cockroach.

Rainbows wept color all over the street... when you went away, maybe one day we'll meet....?

"For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. "

Reading Burroughs has a funny effect on her, so funny that she laughs softly while tying off in the last bathroom stall at lunch in the middle of class.
The girl stands before her friends, or at least, those she chooses to call friends for the purpose of self-preservation. Resigned, passive, she wanders away and they'll never know the feeling of insects sliding into your skin. Stainless mantis legs probe for meat. She smiles to herself and wonders when this fascination, this idealizing will falter. For now, it's pleasant. For now, she can just drift.

Later that day, she looks at the lost boy and looks at the lost world around them. She rubs her hand on the wooden rail she perches on and observes the drop below. She smiles when the old familiar voice whispers 'just lean back... ever so slightly... just lean back. Fall." She looks at the trees and wonders about what's buried underneath.

She looks up at the skies (skies not sky-there's a thousand layers all happening at once) and can't remember the last time the stars have stood still. Optic nerves disconnect and form their own version of the truth.

Everyone she faces has more to teach her and the poor girl's head swells to the point of orgasmic chaotic ending. To and past and who knows what lies from this point on?

Somewhere there is a whole world happening at once, but our eyes only see angelhead as she sits alone. Always alone. And smiles.

Funny, ain't it?



"Melancholy Baby dies from an overdose of time or cold turkey withdrawal of breath."  - Naked Lunch