are sexually insecure think its ok to Fart in front of me expect me to always pay for everything Have a goatee wear argyle v necks ever shit your pants past the age of 6 play the lottery (any kind) drink only light beer are a virgin own a thong cry more then me wear flip flops with long pants wear witty Urban Outfitters Tee's Leave more then one bottom undone on your button up shirts your shorter then me wear jean shorts think Paris Hilton is the hottest person ever constantly talk about your ex girlfriend think ART is gay have a very very small dick have a very big dick and dont know how to use it you ask me if i wanna have sex and consider that foreplay take more time then me to get ready your pants are tighter then mine if your not the Alpha Male of your group of friends I cook you a great dinner and you dont even offer to help with the dishes you think cause i speak Spanish i must be Mexican your nails are longer then mine your a sloppy kisser your always asking me to rub your back, but then your always to tired to rub mine cant carry a conversation sleep on a water bed Have a chain attached to your wallet if you "used to" be gay have never finished reading a book that you didnt have to for school have the same tattoos in all the same places as every other Emo poser think the Simpsons are lame you think snorting things up your nose is cool have a strange foot fungus
So i have been trying to work shit out with brian, and it isint working. I love him more then anything and would like nothing more then to be with him always, but im done. I have put everything into this once again,and gotten the same results. Lies. I try my hardest to trust him but he makes it impossible. I guess i kinda knew the whole time it would be like this. I just wanted it so bad that i thought i would give it a chance. Now after doing everything possible to please the boy in every possible way, i am finally giving up for good. No going back on it this time. I cant deal with the disrespect and lack of consideration anymore. I am going to find someone who will appreciate me. Or fail to find anyone and be alone. I feel so empty inside after all this, like its taken everything out of me. I am bitter and moody, and its not like me, i cant stand myself lately. I cant stand how i keep giving in to him knowing he doesnt really care. I cant stand to be the person i have pitied my whole life, the girl who gets walked all over by the guy who doesnt even deserve her. Im the girl people hear about and wonder "what is she doing with that guy? she could do so much better." One of the smartest things i have heard lately is "dont waste your pretty". Its my new rule to live by. I want to travel, i want to move far far away. I dont want to see the people i see everyday anymore, i dont want to do the shit i do anymore. Im bored with myself and my life. Im unhappy all over again.
The guy i loved doesnt want me anymore. He just says he lost interest and a bunch of other shit that makes no sense to me. He lied to me for 9 months, and i totally fell for it. I loved him, and now i just have to move on. I wish more then anything that i could have him back...i would do anything if he would just give it another try. But its done, he's done. Again people that are completely irrelevant to me are having an influence on my life. People that have never been as happy as me and him are the people he is listening to. These same people that have never been around for him when he needs them. I think that if he is going to do what other people say, when they didnt go through what we did, i probably never really should have been with him to begin with. If looking cool in front of his friends is worth more then what we had... I just cant believe i was so blind for the whole 9 months. He doesnt get it. One day all his friends will be married and have their own lives. And if you dont spend the holidays with your own loving family, you spend it with someone else's loving family. Im just looking for my own.
I went out last night and had a great time. I got to dance, and drank a couple drinks. It wasnt that bad. I didnt think of him that much. Maybe if i can do this a few times a week...it wont be that bad.
So far today is quite the mix of emotions, i found out my sister has decided to go back to bolivia and take the babies as well, this makes me extremely sad in a way, cause i love her and the kids and i am gonna miss her so much, she is one of my best friends and the only person i can go out with and talk shit in spanish about all the fucking scenesters, without them knowing, im gonna miss being with those boys, miss seeing them grow, miss being able to tell her anything and know i can trust her...miss my sister. When we where young we never really got along, but in the past few years we have become very close, we went through most of the same things so we can relate to each other, count on each other. At the same time i know that the kids and her will be more comfortable over there, and have everything they need. I will visit her soon...i promise. The thing is she just tells me this, and when i ask when she thinks she is leaving, she says a few weeks.
I wanted to see boats, so you took me to the sea I felt like I could fly in this new sky you showed to me Airplanes passed above us, so only i could hear When you whispered "I love you" so sweetly in my ear These are the best days Night time on an empty shore - foggy like my head Drifting off to sleep to all those silly things you said Waking for a moment, to say that we'd be fine You hid your smile with one hand and with the other you held mine These are the best days
Things have settled down a bit since i last wrote in this, moms out of jail...for now, work is still a little hectic but not as bad, im getting the hang of things. I have been spending a lot of time alone lately, i mean im used to not hanging with my friends much, but i havent seen much of brian either. Its not that im over it or i dont love him, cause i do, more then anything, its just that i have been in a sort of frustrated mood lately, so the few times i would see him we would argue or just kinda get on each others nerves. Not sure if this is the best thing, just what i want right now, and i think for a sec i can be a little selfish, i mean i think i deserve it. Living with Rachael and Franciou has been great, they are incredible people, i learn all kinds of things from them. Rachael always says i remind her of herself when she was my age, so i guess she kinda feels like she can teach me a few thing she didnt know at my age but knows now..but i know how that goes, everyone learns their own lessons at their own time. I feel strange lately(emotionally not physically), im not sure why, i dont really feel like taking the time to go into thinking what it could be, just in case its something bad. Soon its gonna be a year since me and Kynen broke up, i dont get to see him much anymore, and miss him at times, not as a boyfriend, but as a friend. More now that im kinda lonely.
So we are at the 6 months point with brian, and i love him more and more every second of every day. He is the though that puts me to sleep at night, and the smile on my face every morning, he is my best friend, and one of the only people that really matters to me right now. I just hope that the way i have been feeling lately dosnt affect US. He is the most beautiful person i have ever met inside and out, and he is like no other boy i have known. If i could ever picture myself being with anyone for a "long" period of time, it would be him no question. We went out this sat, to the same club where we met 6 months ago, and i had a great time, it was the first time i got to dance to some DnB since the new year, and i danced until i was soaking wet. *i love it* had a few drinks and then left. It was great being there with brian. He was the cutest guy their the night i met him, and he was still the cutest guy there with me.
So today has been LONG and is getting slower by the second, my mom got arrested yesterday, 2 felonies, FORGE NARCOTIC PRESCRI, and FORGED PRESCRIPTION. Its $20,000 bail and i dont have that kind of money, neither does anyone else she knows. When i think about her problem with pills i just get frustrated, cause there isnt much i can do, she wont listen to me, and maybe 10 months in prison is the only thing that will make her react. But i think she needs help, not to be in prison, i think a rehabilitation center would be good, but if i try and help her get out of doing time and going straight into a program and then she screws up again, she would be fucked. It sux how they give her all these addictive pain killers and then expect her to be fine once they stop giving them to her? Its just not right, and she needs her antidepressant or she will start to freak out. I am going to the justice department tomorrow, she is scheduled to have a hearing there, so maybe i can catch it. And as if thats not enough my sis is dealing with some really horrible people in her living situation, and i am stressing out about her and the kids. She has just a couple of days to find a place to stay, and im not sure what gonna happen...
depressed
indescribable
frustrated