We lit a fire that was nothing but smoke and hot air. Ashes.

7 exams down. 11 to go.

Wow. Its been hella hectic lately. I've finally got some actual free time since I don't have an exam tomorrow and don't have to revise. I've just been playing subnautica and sims 4 while listening to kerrang radio(peakest radio station ever btw). Its a stange feeling. I forgot what free time feels like.
The weather is ugly as hell in the uk. get me out.
At least 4/11 of my subjects are completely finished. and i dont have to go into school on friday and can come home early after my exam on thursday since im finally getting study leave. 2 exams today was rough and im tired. atleast english lit paper 2 which i think is the hardest exam is done since i did it today. 2hr 15min straight of writing. it sucked so bad. but! its done. i never have to do it again. goodbye mr birling get tf out of my head.

14 school days left. 14 too many....
but atleast the end is in sight and im not dead
thats a fuckin achievement

petekeywasreal xo r

I've dragged myself even further into the petekey rabbit hole. Down, down, down I go, and I don't see any point of return. There are no exit signs. Not like I'd follow them anyway.
I'm so hyperfixated I physically cannot think of anything else. I've been repeating Pete's livejournal entries in my head. I am a broken record. The needle keeps falling in a scratch and rewinding (See you in the spring, first pew on the left. First pew on the left. First pew on the left.) and on and on and it never stops. A neverending road of words whirlpooling around me with no beginning and no end.
I'm so fucked I was listening to heychris's instagram live from 2022 (bunch on YouTube if you want to watch) because i heard that he talked about petekey. I honestly don't know what he was talking about. He just went on and on about random shit. He did share some stories from tour though, so that was interesting. He also kept talking about his short shorts. It was kinda like a fever dream. I always feel like I'm in a fever dream. Nothing feels real. Not even in the moment.
My words are spiralling around me and crashing into eachother until they become an incomprehensible mess of half-finished thoughts and everything and anything else. I physically cannot think of anything else, and I don't know how to articulate this in a way you’d understand.
I feel nostalgic for an era I never lived in. I wish I could just morph into Pete Wentz in 2005. That's not how I feel but those are the only words I can find that even come close to explaining my feelings. This is the part of neurodivergence they don't talk about. Hyperfixating on something so much, you can't think of anything else. Even when you try, everything reminds you of it. You think and think and think until you make yourself sick and yearn for an era that never belonged to you.
Petekey will never belong to me, so why do I care?
I wish I could go back in time and rewrite history to include me. I feel so goddamn excluded from a world that was never meant to include me. I want to fit in where they don't want me. Does that make sense?
I realise I'm straight up yapping now. Ignore me writing in circles and spinning aimlessly like a moon orbiting a planet. I will never break out of orbit and will forever be kept in line by the centripetal force like the thousands of unwritten rules in life.

Just let me live.

I feel like I'm living in a shadow, but I don't know whose it is.

-xo R

im the one they warned you about. the husk with no name any longer. i feel like a darkness is creeping. starting from my toes all the way to the top of my head. i am identityless. atleast, thats what it feels like sometimes. i dont know who is the real me. everytime i take the mask of theres another underneath. being trans does that to you. living two lives is so tiring. i want it to stop. but who do i want to be. who is the real me. ive been hiding for so long i forgot what myself feels like. im sorry you had to see me like this. im a hot mess all the time. i barely know left from right now. i saw my old shitty therapist yesterday. she looked bad. am i a horrible person to think she deserves it? she kind of made me want to die. i still do i guess. but she made it worse. am i bad for wanting her to die. is that a little too unfiltered. i keep thinking about my ex. get me out of my own head. i hate my ex. but my stupid brain wont shut up. doctor. i require a cranioectomy. im begging. i cant live otherwise. i dont think ill live either way. i cant speak. i need to scream. i just need to scream. but im stable. trust. thats what everyone else needs to see. the perfect version of me. hes the one i need to be right now. he? they? xe? its? i dont know anymore - romanapollomarkella

I just want to leave this school. Im so close. i can taste the freedom. im also excited for sixth form. i want to find my people there.
sometimes I wonder is youd notice if i was gone. if anyone would notice. im so used to being the substitute. im nobodys favourite.

i wish to fade away. become nothing but dust.

- rmn

I'm watching the stars from my bed. I love this so much. If I nudge the curtains to the side, I can look up at the sky and see so many stars.
I was watching the Panic! at the disco live in denver recording yesterday (shoutout to my amazing friend aiden for getting me inro panic and brendon urie) and a comment on it caught me eye. It said "thank god I lived past 13" and damn I felt that. I honestly have never felt so seen by a random person on the internet.
I was also thinking about this earlier, but sometimes I think about how I live on the same planet as gerard way. Like, hes probably doing something right now like sleeping or eating food and that seems so surreal.

- r

What am I doing with my life? Honestly, I have no idea, but I've made peace with that. I don't really know what direction I'm going in. I know I want to go into the music industry, but apart from that I don't know. And that's okay.
I registered to be a blood donor, so now I can start donating when I'm 17. Stupidly, they have rules about if you're biologically female and under 20, so I have to have over 3500ml of blood. I want to do this to give other people another chance at life but I don't care about my own. That's kinda ironic. I don't care if it's safe. I just want to donate and feel like I've done something good in my life of failure. But I'm not doing it for a selfish thing. I genuinely want to help people.
I'm kind of freaking out because I have my GCSEs starting in May. I have my art exam in April. I feel so underprepared. I'm also under so much pressure to achieve from my parents and I don't have the heart to break it to them that I'll never live up to their astronomical expectations of me.

- xo R

I'm very slowly working my way through the paper kingdom. Ive only listened to tracks 1-3 (fake your death,witch and bike thief) and I dont know how to feel. Obviously, its amazing, i love it. but i can see why it was never released. Its very different from danger days and honestly changes the aesthetic of their music so much. So far, at least, theres none of the punk pop elements that most of their other songs have. Also (possibly?) hot take but tpk demo of fake your death is so much better than the mastered version on may death never stop you. Idk why but the piano sounds so much better on the demo.

- r

So, I thought I was done with my exams. Turns out I’m not. I found out today that I have another exam today. That was fun. But now I’ve realised that I only have 2 months until my art exam. I’m lowkey cooked because I have no plan whatsoever and don’t know what I’m doing.

To be honest, I don’t know much. I don’t really know where I’m going in the future.

That scares me.

What if in 10 years, I still have no idea and am desperately searching for the thing that I need to do?

This is just going to be yap in a series of yaps about mcr and the paper kingdom.
So, around a week ago, mcr's previously unreleased album - The Paper Kingdom - got completely leaked. All the demos are now widely available. Take one post down with a link - 5 more are posted in its place. Tpk was originally scrapped around 2013 when mcr broke up as it took a toll on the member's mental healths and made them revisit some places they really didn't want to. Over the years, song clips and snippets have been leaked, but never a whole freaking album. Tpk has always BEEN avaliable, but was only auctioned off for like £20k by some people who somehow got ahold of it. I honestly don't know how to feel. Yeah. I do have the songs downloaded. But I haven't listened to them. I don't know if I want to. And it's killing me. It just feels so wrong. Like I'm personally going behind Gerard,Mikey,Ray and Frank's backs, even though tons of other people have already listened. It just doesnt feel right. Something they deemed 'not good enough' for the public. Something they never wanted anyone else to hear. Is that what I want? Will I be a bad person if Ilisten to it?
Maybe the album will actually let me heal and rest. Maybe it will save my life as mcr has done so many times before.

- xo R