Summer is about halfway over. So far its been pretty low key and pretty much boring, but its going by way too fast. I don't like thinking that I will be moving back to school in 7 weeks, but it is also exciting to start my last year of undergrad knowing that I will have at least one year off school following graduation. I'm remaining hopeful that I can find a job sometime over next summer. I'm shooting for a job in Chicago or the suburbs just because I've always been fascinated by the Chicago lifestyle. Theres always shit going on and shit to see. Even if I ended up not liking it I at least want to give it a try.
So...what have I been doing this summer. Work is probably something I've been doing the most which is sad since I only get about 8-15 hours a week. With how tight my bills are and how much I've racked up in credit card debt from legitimate purchases (and a couple fun things), I'm grateful to even have those 8-15 a week. I've been to a Sox game which was fun even though they lost. We had the best seats I've ever had before and they were free so that was even better. I went up to Chicago for Benny Benassi and had the most fun I've ever had at a concert sober haha. I don't think I've ever been sweatier. Most of the rest of summer has been spent lounging around or hanging out with my sisters. White Oak is closed for at least this year so now we don't even have a place to swim besides the public pools. I heard there is a place similar to White Oak in Bloomington which might be worth the drive once or twice.
I also just started swimming again. I started in April (I went once, and quit haha). This time, though, I am motivated. I can't wait to get my workout in today when my dad comes home from work. I'm super sore from my 1.5 mile swim yesterday which saddens me but I know if I keep up with it I will improve really quickly. My short term goals are to actually stick with it when I go back to school and to make the Sectionals cuts. I'd love to go in the spring but I don't think I'll be ready by then. My goal is to make Long Course Sectionals at the end of July in Columbia, MO. I have been fast enough to go to Sectionals since I was 16, but my parents never wanted to pay for the trip to Minneapolis, MN, where it always used to be. Long term goals (if I make it that far) are to get back in good enough shape to where I am swimming best times again. That would be the best feeling in the world to go from thinking I'll never be even OK again to being better than I ever was. This is totally within my reach as long as I stick with it for the next 2 years or so.
I'm really excited about getting back into swimming. After the treacherous year swimming with TCAY in Godfrey 2 years ago I thought I'd be done for good, but it just took me some time to realize that I don't really like training with a huge group of people. I like to make up my own workouts and have a lane to myself. It is probably because I pretty much used to do that from the time I was 12 til the time I went to school. I know it's going to be tough to keep up with it when I'm doing two 18-20 credit hour semesters this school year plus probably working somewhere. It might even be harder after I graduate if I find a full time job. It will take a lot of motivation to work 40+ hours a week and still find time to get in at least 5 workouts at the pool, plus the occasional meet on the weekend. Being able to afford membership fees, equipment, and travel is a lot too, but this is a passion of mine and I believe the money is well worth it as long as I don't quit. Hopefully I can find someone to lift weights with at school because I think it helped me before when I did it, plus I grew to kind of like it, although the thought of lifting weights now has no appeal.
Well, here's to hoping I can make something out of what's left of the summer. This weekend is the 4th of July which I am much more excited about than usual. I'm hoping to make it up to Chicago after work on the 4th for fireworks and the Taste which I have never been to. Also, Kristen, Megan, Cory, Alyssa, and I are planning on spending a three day weekend at Lake Geneva, WI swimming, shopping, drinking. Just having fun. Megan wants to go to Thailand next summer and she asked that I go with her since I have been twice and know where to go and how to get the deals, etc. I realllly want to go of course, but its going to be really hard to come up with 2-3k of expendable income knowing that I will have 6 months to find a decent job and begin paying off student loans. That 2-3k could be a good 8 month's student loan payments. We shall see. It seems everything works out to some extent, and the answers become more clear as time goes on.
I'm moving out of the house in Troy. One day I woke up and thought "why the fuck am i putting up with this bullshit" so I applied for housing on campus and got in 3 days later. I don't move in for another 3.5 weeks which sucks but I'm sure my life will change for the better. I'm kind of nervous to be moving in with three strangers who have lived with each other for the past 4 months already. I'm also nervous about having to share a room with someone, just because I have always had my own room my entire life. I'm sure I'll adjust just fine. Work has been getting better, as far as earning respect and getting more hours. My manager realized that I'm her best cashier/employee so she has been giving me the highest amount of hours next to those in management. I get my raise in 3 weeks which is exciting, I guess. The school semester is over and although I got good grades, I'm deeply disappointed that I didn't make the dean's list. I tried my best, I believe, so I'm trying not to be too disappointed. Its frustrating to put that much effort into a semester and not get the results I was looking for. Life goes on. I'm so ready to go home in five and a half days. I'm going skiing for my bday and out to the bars the night before, so I'm excited to be doing things. I've also been in a very outgoing mood lately. I think it's because I realize that I can't rely on others to control my social life. I'm not on speaking terms with the sources of my social life, so I'm ready to go out and find my own. I've never really had to do this before, sadly, but I knew it would happen sometime, and I'm excited to find more friends that are actually my friends and not just friends of friends. Today after work I spent a few hours cleaning my room, separating what I could take to my apartment and what I would have to take home. My sisters and kristen's boyfriend, cory, are coming down to help me move. They're probably coming on Saturday, and I think we're going to a club or party, then moving on Sunday, and they are staying overnight til Monday. It's going to be a good time, I hope. Over the past few weeks I feel that I really do trust too easily and that I need to make others earn my trust instead of automatically giving it to them. I'm just setting myself up to be walked all over like I have been the past 5 months. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that all things that end are for a reason, and allow new doors to open, so I'm always excited when things end, even if they are hard to let go, or seem wrong at the moment. I'm ready to give up a lot of my privacy to have more of the life I feel i deserve.
Today I was notified that my mom and sister found an apartment and will be moved in by the end of the month most likely. So I have probably seen the house I lived in for 20+ years for the last time. The thing I'm going to miss most is Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. It just won't be the same waking up somewhere else.
I got really excited last week when I was offered a promotion to management at work. Then I found out this week that its only temporarily while my manager is off training for a weekend. So I'd be working one day as part of management, unless she wanted to use me at other times. So I'm thinking this doesn't include a pay raise (this being the same company that doesn't pay time and a half on holidays). The only reason I'm taking it is to keep the new girl who is nearly retarded from getting the honors.
Lately I've become addicted to simple online games. I was up til 7am this morning trying to beat one. And also cause I had too much on my mind to sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a bitch.
Today I logged into my SIUE account to pay my first tuition payment of 918$ (since my fucking financial aid was audited and they needed additional proof to how poor my family is, and by the time I rounded it up they told me it wouldn't process before the first payment was due so I'd have to come up with that money on my own), went thru the payment process, only to see that it was declined. Confused, since according to my calculations, I should have nearly 1700$ worth of remaining credit on my card, I logged into my credit card account to see that there was a pending transaction for 1100$. Now, I know I got pretty damn drunk this weekend but I find it hard to believe that I spent 1100$. So this tuition payment is due in 3 days and I have no idea why there is this massive charge on my card that hasn't processed yet so I cannot see what it comes up as.
Also, after being very satisfied with my job thinking I would have every weekend off during the school year, my dreams were crushed today after a talk with my manager. She said even though I only want to work weekdays and the other night co-worker only wants to work weekends, for some reason she can't do that because it violates some policy, but that I'd likely get every other weekend off. Which is no big deal, but honestly, why does DG have some asinine policy that gets in the way of everything? She also asked how many hours I wanted/needed over the school year and I said at least 20 and her response was "well I don't think I'll be able to get you that many...". That many??? Since when was 20 hours too many to give. Fuck. It looks like I'll have a lot of free time this school year, but what good is it if I'm broke?
This past weekend my sisters came for a much anticipated visit. It was an exhausting, but amazing weekend. It started off slowly with a visit to a nearby public pool, and a small party Friday night. Saturday we got up early, packed up for the weekend, and left to run 15 minutes worth of errands that took almost 2 hours. We went to the St Louis Galleria for a couple hours and checked into the Millennium Hotel. We swam and since Kat and Kurt weren't able to go with us to the Galleria, I went with them to the West County Mall to waste time while the twins got ready. We got back just in time to quickly get ready and catch a cab to the club. Much to my surprise, we had absolutely no trouble getting in. We sat for about an hour in the bar talking before the club area opened up. That's when colossal amounts of drinking began. We had an awesome bartender who was making the strongest drinks I've ever had that tasted so good. For anyone who knows how I do with my alcohol, after 5 hours of almost non-stop drinking I was beyond fucked up. On the taxi ride home from the club I insisted that we pull over so I could vomit exorcist style on the sidewalk, but that plea to pull over was either taken as a joke or ignored. The non-english speaking driver finally pulled over. A second too late. I puked on the plastic trim right by the door and he kicked us out and charged 30$ for puking in the cab. Which was half his fault for not knowing enough English to know what I was about to do. So 5 very drunk people (4 underage) had to stumble a half mile back to the hotel. I don't remember anything past puking in the cab, but we all got back safely. In the morning we all woke up early, packed up, and went to Denny's (which is quickly becoming a tradition to do while hungover the day we are supposed to go to Six Flags haha) where a belligerent black man complained to the waitresses the whole time and "accidentally" elbowed me in the back. After waiting 10 seconds for him to apologize, I turned to the side and said loud enough for him to hear "It's ok, don't worry about apologize for elbowing me in the back after spending the last 30 minutes bitching at the waitresses for every last thing". He got up and left, and we spent the rest of the day at Six Flags. Even though it was a gorgeous day the lines were virtually non-existent and we didn't spend any more than 15 minutes in line for any ride. And I got 6 passes for 36$ so I was pretty pumped. I'm pretty depressed that it's over, and now that Kristen moved out and Megan will soon have to help my mom pay for rent wherever they move in September, I'm not sure when the next time will be for us all to hang out down here.
I'm going to go back to watching the Olympics, which has pretty much had me glued to my TV all week so far.
A lot has happened since my last post. I moved out of my apartment and into a 3 bedroom/2 bathroom house. It's a bit further from school but the rent was ridiculous in Edwardsville and we got a much nicer house in Troy than we would have gotten in E-ville for the same price. I got a job at Dollar General. The pay and reputation definitely suck but I like the people I work with for the most part, and its extremely laid back. It sucks that theres pretty much no chance that I'll get promoted but I'll take what I can get for the time being. Today I finalized my fall school schedule and I love it. I will have school nonstop from 1030-415 monday and wednesday, and from 2-315 on tues and thurs and no class friday. I was originally going to attempt 18 credit hours by adding a night class but decided I'd do better by either taking a summer class or an extra semester in 2010.
Now that I'm not swimming and I have a job I am thinking about planning several trips in the upcoming year or two. First off, I want to go to Times Square in NYC for New Years'. It's something I've always wanted to do and I think it's gonna be awesome. I was also notified that I might have a chance to go to Vegas in February for Kurt's 21st. He turns 21 in Nov but his mom wants to take him to Vegas in Feb and he said if it happens I'd be invited. Sweet.
Things at home are changing. My parents are selling the house very soon that I grew up in, which is kind of sad. I think the things I will miss most are not having Christmas morning by the tree in the living room and not having the backyard that used to have the pool. I have had so many memories there but I guess all good things come to an end. Kristen is moving out into her boyfriend's cousin's basement. It sounded shitty at first but I got to see it. There is a bedroom, a living room area, and even her own kitchen and bathroom and she is barely paying any rent. I am happy for her because I know how controlling my parents, especially my mom is of her, and now she will be able to make her own choices. I know how exciting it was for me to finally move out, although my parents never gave a shit about who I was with, what I was doing, or where I was going.
This weekend my sisters are coming to visit for probably the last time in a long while. Now that Kristen is moving out and has to support herself, and my mom is starting to charge Megan rent, I'm sure they won't have the money to visit which sucks. They are coming Friday morning, and we have a bunch of fun shit planned. We are going to go swimming on Friday, and then to a party somewhere probably. On Saturday we're going into the city to the mall and then checking into a very nice hotel downtown to swim and drink. That night we're going to a club. I promised my sisters two years ago that when they turned 18 I'd take them to a club, so I'm fulfilling that promise. We're staying overnight and then going to Six Flags all day Sunday. I'm so excited right now, but I know the weekend is going to fly by and before I know it, it's going to be over and I'm going to find myself ringing up obese smelly white trash at DG.
I'm journaling today because I feel like curling up into a ball and dying and this seems to be fairly therapeutic.
For nostalgia's purpose I'm going to quickly recap the events of this summer thus far, and it will be a quick recap not because I will not be going into detail, but because close to nothing has happened this summer. I opened up summer '08 with an 11 day trip to the Guanacaste region in Costa Rica with my roommate Kurt, his girlfriend Katrina, and Magaly. It was greatly appreciated after barely surviving my first end of the year finals week at a "real" school. By the end of that week I had gotten a grand total of about 10 hours of sleep, and had pulled three all nighters. It's a wonder I did fairly well on my exams considering I was on the verge of insanity and nearly hallucinating.
The Costa Rica trip was awesome. We had some great adventures including me rolling up the legs on my shorts to upper thigh level, tying my shirt like a tramp and trying to hitchhike after we had gotten off at the wrong bus stop in the middle of nowhere. It actually worked (after I went back to normal attire). We also did an amazing 4 wheeling trip through the jungle and up some mountains, and did a zip-lining trip 400 feet above the jungle in a light rain and fog. I will never forget that. We also got to see a huge ass volcano and spend a few hours in natural hot springs at its base.
Since the trip nothing much has happened. I spent a good 3-4 weeks living at my mom's after the trip as I waited for a call for a job interview in the STL area (in the meantime I was reaping the benefits of living at home again such as free food). Finally got a call and was offered a shitty job that would've cost me money to take. Got another call for an interview at a place known for abusing animals. No thanks. Finally I got an interview and position at Dollar General. Yeah, I'm white trash. Unfortunately, after being hired 2 weeks ago I still haven't been called to work.
Also, my fuel pump in my car decided it would go out the day after I drove back to school from visiting my family for the 4th of july weekend. No, of course it wouldn't crap out on me when I was within 2 miles of an auto mechanic who could do the job for free (my dad). So after spending close to 200 on the parts, I realize unless I can manage to perform car surgery myself I'm looking at another 100-150 for labor. I currently have 385 in my accounts, total. This doesn't include the license plate sticker I need in 3 weeks, the gas/money for Kyle's wedding in 2 weeks, or the various other huge bills I get on a monthly basis which usually total 1500+.
Sooooo I'm basically praying that I can make it somehow on my credit cards until my financial aid money gets here. Speaking of financial aid, I have yet to be approved since they need additional "proof" that I live in Illinois, and that I have two sisters who will also be in college this fall. This involves filling out paperwork that includes getting my parent's signatures and tax information as well as my own (which is lost). So it's looking like I won't be receiving my financial aid money any time soon.
Sadly enough this entry was far less therapeutic and much more anxiety-provoking than I had previously anticipated. I'm off to perform surgery on my car.
I got a shitload of candy and two tall boy amp energy drinks. Its 4:23am and I'm ready to get this paper started. But not, which is why I'm doing this instead.
Tomorrow is my last day of school besides finals, and I cannot believe how quickly it went. Even crazier is that my sisters graduate from high school this year. Holy shit. I can still remember being a senior and my sisters were only 8th graders. For the first 17 years of my life, time seemed to drag on and life seemed like it would last forever. Ever since I've been out of high school the months and years have flown by almost without notice. People my age are graduating, starting careers, getting married.
Costa Rica happens in 10 days, I can't believe it. It seems like yesterday that I was thinking "wow, only two more months til we leave". It should be a good time. I'm ready to party non-stop and relax for a while after the shit semester I had.
I'm really hoping to get out and do more stuff this summer. I really haven't been taking advantage of my surplus of free time I have now that I'm not swimming. I want to meet a lot more people. My social life is really something I sacrificed this year, more than I thought. I didn't really pursue friendships or do many social activities because I was also so focused on swimming, and I think that is how a lot of my life has been to where I just consider it normal. I have a pretty close group of mutual friends, and I appreciate that I have that, but I'm not extremely close to any of them. Although I'm getting there with Kurt and Katrina I do feel like something is missing, and I do feel a little lonely sometimes.
I've made and lost a couple good friends this year over really stupid shit, and it bothers me and I've tried to repair them, but you can't do it on your own. If both sides aren't willing to work toward repairing the friendship then its not worth the time. On top of that I feel like I'm drifting away from friends I've had for years. Distance, schedule conflicts, money...it all sucks. One thing I have really noticed, however, is that everything does happen for a reason, and for the better in my opinion. I trust that whatever happens is meant to be and will be ok, and that's comforting.
Random: I came home from my 8am class and passed out in my bed for 15 min and had the weirdest dream ever. I had a dream that I was dreaming. I was dreaming that I was in my room, playing a game on my phone when it suddenly transformed and I was thinking "this has to be a dream", so I woke myself up (in my dream). Then (in my dream) I thought wow what a weird dream, and I started getting ready for class and was just about to walk out the door when my alarm went off and woke me up in reality. Supposedly its a sign if you have a dream within a dream. Kurt seems to remember reading something about how people who dream within dreams are a little off in the head. Wouldn't doubt it. Or maybe they're just really, really sleep deprived.
I have been putting a lot of thought into what I want to do in Psychology. Now that I am basically a Junior in college, it kinda worries me that I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. I'm just interested in learning how the brain works and why people do what they do. I've juggled with the thought of being a teacher/professor, but I just don't think I could do it. One thing I have learned that I definitely don't want to do is be a counselor. I went to the campus doctor because I have been having a horrific time concentrating (hence me writing a book of a journal entry at 4:45am when I have a paper to write). The doctor said there was nothing they could do and suggested I go to counseling. I was a little put off by the fact that I was told to go to counseling because of a simple concentration issue, and I am now even more put off by the quality of counselors in general. In just two 20 minute counseling sessions I have had to take 4 mental health surveys to measure my level of depression/anxiety/stress/suicidal tendencies. FOUR. After the first three show minimal results you'd think they'd try to think of some other reason why my brain is not organizing thoughts properly. No I did not feel like killing myself last week, yesterday, today, and I won't feel like killing myself tomorrow, ok? Or maybe theyre hoping one day I'll get so sick of the same results that I will falsely score myself high for one of the mental disorders so they can ship me off to the pharmacy for a prescription and get me off their hands.
And one closing thought: I'm done with people who are so fucking stupid, irresponsible, immature, and rude who think they are God's gift, and think that they know it all and are so much more experienced in life than everyone else. Stupid people should be pushed off cliffs.
Life is good. Not great, but good. The school year is quickly coming to an end, and along with it comes all the work that I've put off til now, and all the assignments the professors decide needs to be assigned during the last 3 weeks of school. My grades are pretty much set in stone. As long as I don't completely bomb my finals, I should be ok (too bad I can't raise them). Not really happy with the grades but I can live with them.
I've "unofficially" been diagnosed with ADD. For the past few months I have been having a lot of trouble staying on task and concentrating. For example, in order to do a 4 page paper, I have to devote an entire day to it, whereas before I could get it done in an hour or two. Also, I am unable to watch movies without taking a break every 20 or 30 minutes to do something else. These are symptoms of ADD but its weird that I haven't really experienced them before, as it is thought that you are born with ADD and do not acquire it later in life. Hmm. I saw the campus doctor and he seems to think that's what it is, but I had to fill out questionnaires to assess my level of mental stability (HA). I see a counselor on Monday which makes me laugh because I didn't think not being able to concentrate results in meeting with a counselor. Oh well, as long as we can get these issues under control before finals I'll be happy.
Me, my roommate Kurt, and his girlfriend Katrina have become pretty damn close over the past month or so. We're pretty much the 3 amigos. Its nice having good friends around all the time, but I also want to meet more people. I didn't realize how hard it is to meet people in college when you live off campus, don't have a job, and never have free time. I'm excited for the summer. I'm excited to get a job (dunno why), road trips, costa rica, Six Flags STL, camping, float trips, parties, everything. Its the time of the year when I'm happiest. Maybe I should move to FL or SoCal and always be happy.
I'm unofficially done with swimming. I say unofficially because I don't see myself swimming anymore, but lots of swimmers have said that and then come back and swim for another decade. My relay that was ranked 17th in the Nation ended up placing 34th, even though we were only 1/3 second slower than our best time. It was an incredibly fast meet. Although I am disappointed at not being an All-American, I had one of the best meets of my life, both in the pool and out. Needless to say, it was a great way to end my swimming career. I want to be bitter about not reaching my goal, and knowing that I never will, but I know that we all worked hard and gave it our best shot and it just didn't work out. Shit happens.
Although this season overall was disappointing and more strenuous than any other season I've ever had (between driving 45 minutes one way to practice 5x a week, spending two hours in the pool and an hour lifting weights after)I can say that this season was also a breakthrough for me. It was the first time I was able to experience the whole "team" thing. Finally having people that were driven like me after waiting for 12 years was a great comfort for me. I also was a part of a state champion relay which was probably one of the best feelings of accomplishment I have experienced in this sport.
Im not going to lie and say I'm jumping for joy now that I'm done swimming. Its bittersweet. I'm looking forward to having tons more free time and not having to always say "I cant, I have practice/a meet". At the same time there's going to be an empty feeling when swim season comes around and I'm not driving to the pool every night. I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. I'm ready to focus a little more on school, and to get a job and work toward a professional career.
Maybe one day down the road I'll have the time and ambition to get back into the pool and work toward a new goal (Masters World Record Holder?)...nahhh.
