one, lonely donkey chewing on an electric fence

Short list of birthday events:

1. Woke up to Wink yelling @ me at 6am with a poopy butt.
2. While chasing her to correct said issue, I knocked my (very fragile) phone off the desk and smashed the screen off. (I was transferring it to a different phone TOMORROW.)
3. Hauled myself out for the professional conference @ Rosemont.
4. Talked to a bunch of library staff people!
5. Ran into a coworker I had not seen in a minute and got to lunch w/them.
6. Got home in time to pick up stuff from the pharmacy!
7. Bought ice cream and Crunch bits for my birthday snack.
8. Got a present from mylittleredgirl and am thrilled with cat-shaped ice cubes!!!
9. Have dinner in the oven!

I have a few friends w/birthdays coming up and I have a few packages that I need to send out. The one that I'm working on now (they're not here, often!) is just silly and fun. And, to qualify it for cheaper shipping (media mail) I put together a mix cd. I've not done one of those in over a decade, so this was just so much silly fun.

I forgot how fun it is to get a bunch of silly, cheerful things together as a gift. None of the things I'm sending off are more than $10, but all are useful in their ways. Plus, part of the fun of making a mix CD (and knowing they have a cd player in their car still) is forcing your friends to listen to stuff you like in the vain hope they'll like it too.

I managed to get my birthday cake to work 97% undamaged. There was some question regarding the paper it was wrapped in (it had a sprinkle coating on the sides), but it's fine! People are eating it and I had a piece, so huzzah!

ANYWAY, I'll be 45 tomorrow. Let that sink in, friends of extended acquaintance.

Due to some scheduling weirdness I realized that I can order a birthday cake to pick up and share with my workplace. I have now ordered a chocolate and whipped cream icing cake to be picked up from Jaroch bakery next week. \o/

It will have multi-colored sprinkles and strawberry whipped cream as a filling.

There is a 70% chance mom's coming downtown on Saturday on the train. It's meant to be a Mother's Day outing, but I think she wants to go to church on Sunday, so it's been swapped.

It's actually supposed to be pretty chill? She wants to go to my gym's pool and then out for lunch. I'm rarely down here over the weekends, so I'm using it as an excuse to try out a couple of places I've been meaning to check out. She gets three options of restaurant: Pleasant House Pub, La Maliniche, or the Taipei Cafe. Or the Duck Inn. I add the last one as it's in such a weird spot and I've been very interested in trying it out.

One way or another, I'm also aiming to check out the 88 Marketplace. I've been meaning to pop by, but Halsted is way over theeeeeeeeeeeere and sooooooooouth and I am lazy.

I mention any of this because I realized that I'm not actually that hyped for my birthday this year. Usually, I'm bouncing around and making plans or ordering myself a present, but. Eh. IDK. No one really seems to care but me? I even had to plan my own thing with mom (we're going to Morton Arboretum!) because she doesn't actively plan things with me anymore? Just kind of leaves them to me. And a lot of my closer friend group has stuff going on! They are smart, busy people who are genuinely stressed! But, idk. Maybe I'm just feeling a little down about turning 45.

And legitimately, I am fine. I do have Events planned but I don't know. Just feeling the passage of time, I guess.

Had a perfectly fine weekend. It's the first one in a while where I was mostly left to my own devices and I really appreciated it. I though I might have two social things happening, but there was only one and it was nice!

Saturday involved a lot of normal errand things, but the big swing was that I mostly got everything done in under 4 hours. I still need to do some meal prep tonight or tomorrow though. I am trying my hand at both mashed parsnips and mashed broccoli. It never occurred to me that you could make mashed broccoli similar to potatoes? IDK, there is going to be cream, sour cream, and butter involved so it should at least be tasty. I also need to cook meat for the first time in, like, six months, which will be its own thing. I keep forgetting how much I don't actually enjoy the process of cooking meat.

Yesterday was both more chill and less so. I had Wine Mom book club and hilariously, we all kinda low key hated the book. I brought a cake because my birthday is later this month and I'm not consistent with larger group gatherings, AND I don't wanna get a whole cake for myself, so this was good excuse to get a cake and have other people eat it. We have a GF person, so I went to defloured over on Balmoral and got a chocolate with vanilla icing. It was very good! I am a bit sad I did not get to order a Jorasch bakery cake, but the don't do little guys (boo!) and their smallest seriously feeds 8-10 people comfortable. They're my fave local place because they do whipped cream icing, and in multiple flavors! Other than the canoli cake from Ferrera, chocolate cake with whipped cream icing is my fave.

Anyway, we talked about kids, pet loss, and other fun topics! I also got to have Asian Noodle House for dinner (next to Valli Produce in Hoffman Estates, 10/10 no notes) before heading home and chilling with the girls. Because it's been rainy and grey all week, they've been extra snuggly. I even woke up this morning with Wink cuddled next to my hip purring.

Every time I have to remind/retrain someone on the intricacies of my job - which several coworkers assume is easy/boring/not that hard - I am reminded that I have an absolute shit ton of institutional knowledge. And just because I can do my job very quickly and very efficiently doesn't mean that it's objectively an easy job to do.

UUUGH. I realized I am only in the office for two more days (after today) before mom's surgery next week. I am both Ready and Very Much Not. Tomorrow is the long-awaited second MMR vaccine (celebrating my birthday with continued immunoresistance to mumps!) and me attempting to make tiramisu. I'm debating making the lady fingers from scratch, but we'll see where my ambition is tomorrow.

Happy early birthday to me!

So, having a lot of my anxiety smoothed out (thanks, drugs!) is an interesting experience because I'm able to do a bit more deep diving into my own behaviors. Which, I could before, but it's giving me some distance to really pick at the flare ups when they start to raise their (boo-hiss) head.

Right now, I just had a couple small social interactions. A couple phone calls (which I do not actually mind as I am a child of the 90's and phone calls don't actively cause me anxiety) and chatting w/my coworker. After them, I had a few small intrusive thoughts paired with a "Oh, no. I am sensing that I am over-reacting to basic human interactions, I need to Not Be Around People because if I am, I will be Too Much and look dumb or lose more friends!" reaction.

And in the past, I've always just been grateful for the yellow flag my brain is throwing me to just Not Be Around People and go do something nerdy or quiet until the anxiety settles down. And that's fine! I am still glad that my brain is throwing that yellow flag!

But now I have a few minutes (it's a Friday afternoon in Summer, there are three people in my building) to sit and investigate that yellow flag. What about these interactions is tugging my anxiety? Why do I feel like I'm going to be "Too Much"? Is my anxiety cycling where I can feel a mild mania coming on? Is this tied in to my body image and how I've internalized the idea that fat people shouldn't exist in spaces and if they do, they're "Too Much" when they get excited about things? Do I need a nap? Am I unconsciously getting wound up over having to interact with people I enjoy over the weekend and psyching myself out about too-high expectations? Did I just take on a paid project that is going to take up a bunch of my wind-down time in the next few weeks?

Is it many of these things and none too?

Probably!

Am I glad that I have the tools and time to sit and stare at the slats of my hamster wheel to try and calm that shit down?

YUP!

Honestly, I'll probably mostly just go home and take that nap. It's my birthday weekend and I'll sleep if I want to.

Holy fuck, it's nearly June. Like, what the hell.

( School stuff. )

( Colorado. )

Anyway, I made it home on Saturday, but the last week has been weirdly busy and frustrating in equal measures. I had a decent and quiet birthday (Monday), so I can now say with absolute certainty that I am now 37! Only 8 more years until I hit my personal mental age since 14: 45! I had a massage that was 70 minutes of power work on my shoulder (ouch, wow the bruising!) and finally got to visit the Jollibee that opened near me. Spoilers: Good chicken, great flavor, but not my favorite type of breading.

Work has been the expected disaster and I finally dug out about 45 minutes ago. That said, I was alone in the office for most of the day. SIGH. Oh, summer.

Other news includes the fact that I'm closer to adopting a new feline friend. I am hoping to go this weekend, but due to various issues (I broke my wind shield on my car) I might night have time this weekend. But updates (and photos) to follow.

Happy day after birthday to chalcedony!