sleep flower

hmm, been awhile again! so glad i remember my password haha :p

life for me in the last few months has been nothing short of surreal, in the best way possible. i just feel really alive, engaged in life, and fearless. i feel the last few years i've felt dead, and in some cases when i went down some dark roads, i truly believe i was dead in many ways. i lost my light, my sense of humor, my creativity and my spirit.

i am happy and extremely grateful to say today that i feel alive and very young. i live a peaceful, serene and most importantly drug and alcohol free life today. i never thought i would ever be able to say those things, but here i am writing them, and they are core to my spirit and my survival.

i do sometimes think of my past life, good and bad. i don't close doors or run anymore. i've done some things that were really, really stupid, and i've hurt some people that i cared about and who cared about me through my reckless actions. i've made amends wherever possible...but it's not always possible, and some hurts can go pretty deep. i have some memories that make me cringe. but i also realize that i am who i am today not by any mistake or coincidence. i'm just me. everyone else is taken.

i heard once that we are not human beings living a spiritual existance - that we are spiritual beings living a human existance. this makes a bit more sense to me, and makes the world make a bit more sense to me. i don't feel that that world and all it has to offer is this routed traintrack that i have no choice to be on. it's a crazy ride. nothing is really set in stone, and while that used to scare me to the point of self medication, i can honestly say i feel more comfortable as a passenger on this ride rather than as the conductor. i don't think i make a good conductor :p

so with this i end this passage with gratitude. life is good today. i don't know what happens tomorrow, and i can look at yesterday through all the angles of a broken crystal - but today is clear to me, and simple. hope everyone is doing well xoxo

jesse

and another year begins!

i'm not sure where to begin really, it's been awhile since i've wrote. well...i'm resuming the path i was walking a few years ago, but lost my direction. 2013 is starting off great. direction found.

again (and i realize this does have its moments like sounding like a broken record...) i have quit drinking. i feel this is really me quitting for me. i've had a hard time with this before...very hard time actually. it's made me feel kinda weak when i was not able to go more than a few days without drinking. i'm approaching 2 months now, which is the second longest i've ever gone. the first time i quit was years back, for a year. i made the mistake of not continuing to work on myself and grow, figure out my strengths and weaknesses, triggers, etc...just get to know myself in general. i made the mistake of instead pursuing a relationship. the relationship was not a mistake; when i look back it was a pretty good and healthy relationship actually. i just wasn't ready for it. i needed to know me better.

so, i'm doing really well. i'm saving cash again. i DD'd for new years eve this year for the waitresses and cooks for where i'm working at currently. i lined up my own place for march which i'm extremely happy about. staying out of vancouver, but after lots of thought, still staying in BC, close to family. winnipeg, montreal and calgary all were potential places, however i'll be happy to stay in the lower mainland. my car is pretty much paid off, i have absolutely no debt or bad credit...i cleaned up a lot of the things that needed to be cleaned up in my life. i'm happy becoming a man of substance as opposed to an immature child. i still have my inner child obviously - i will never lose that, in humor or interest - but it's more, hmm, i don't know...synchronized? with the man i've become.

i'm working in a restaurant i love with people i love and i'm learning lots. i just accepted the kitchen manager position which kicks in this month. i've got an active social life going again WITHOUT alcohol, and i'm not hermiting or getting depressed about what i don't have. i'm keeping life simple.

i just chose that subject line because i like that song a lot :)

so yeah! i've added a photo of myself, as it's been a long time since i posted one. i don't feel i've really aged, but meh...it's all relative anyways :)

wishing everyone a happy 2013!!

xoxo Jesse

well. i guess a lot has changed in my life lately :)

after much thought, i've decided on what is for me, a pretty big lifestyle change...i have given up night shifts as a chef. i'm now a daywalker - 9 - 5, monday to friday - and i absolutely love it. i feel i am getting literally twice as much out of life - seeing my friends and family again, getting outside of myself, establishing healthy patterns and routines...and still cooking.

life is great. i feel very connected, peaceful and balanced. i don't take it for granted, and i don't pretend it can last forever. it takes work, patience and sometimes mistakes. but it trades off with learning, compassion and love. works for me.

been balancing out my work with eating well, video games (of course!) and meeting new people in healthy environments.

my summer was great, but i've decided it's the last summer, or season or year for that matter, where i place a higher emphasis on work, or trying to enhance my culinary skill, than me as a person. the culinary arts are arts - constantly evolving, never to be mastered. just to be learned and learned, honed and honed. it's a great skill to learn for the anti perfectionist in me :)

looking forward to a majestic fall and winter, balanced and nice. new people, new adventures. should be good.

xoxo Jesse

ok...

i've been listening to alice in chains jar of flies cd on borderline repeat for the last week - i can't find a flaw in the cd.

other than that, not much to report. just doing what needs to be done i guess.

xoxo

there was a guy...

ok! well, life seems to be going pretty fucking awesome lately. and by lately i mean in that last few months. i've met a great girl who i really like. i got a new job a few weeks back with absolutely awesome people. i've stopped the retarded mindset of extremities in drinking, and instead just make sure i'm with good people, and then call it quits. it actually works.

if the devil is 6, then the devil is 6, and god is seven...

i feel a lot of weight has lifted off me. not analyzing thyself has amazing benefits. i feel the job i left, the girl i used to date, etc...it's one of those "you gotta let it go for real" kind of experiences. i've never been good at that. i dwell, i think, i recreate. it's self destructive. not good.

fun at the time, but meh. i digress.

i love what's going on these days. i feel light...and i'm still doing the workout thing. getting my own place going again soon, in abby still, but with new relationships i feel it's necessary. have talked about kids, travel, etc. it feels dream like. but dreams are real like right?

as a flawed human being, i feel if fate is doing it's thing beyond my normal social structure, i just have to accept the things i cannot change and adapt to the things that annoy me. it's my version of the serenity prayer - no doubt altered.

on the gaming side of things, i've taken an unnatural liking to super street fighter 4...i love it. WILL FIGHT ANYONE. gamertag is still General Knocks. bring it, i'll take you down with gouken hehe :)

nighty,

xoxo Jess

so!

been working a lot on my mental health lately and it has been awesome - i've put some sincere effort into putting the depression behind me. thankfully i did not need any medication - oddly enough, just a few extra vitamins (?). didn't think it was that easy, and i doubted it, but i am taking 6 vitamins a day now, and haven't felt any pangs of mental pain.

made some adjustments socially too...i guess since last year, i had been so used to being kind of a recluse, so i made amends to some of my close friends and actually decided to go out and see them, not just talk about seeing them. walter, krista, jona, jason, chris...thanks so much! it feels good to know true friendship is really an amazing source of strength :)

also, as much as being at the pub is relaxing, easy, fun and virtually a walk in the park, i've decided to start looking for something more - on the same page as my cooking style. like i say, not ungrateful, and i certainly won't bear the burden i did at the bistro - but i'm keeping my eyes open. actively seeking won't solve anything, but keeping my options open is fun, especially considering that should i be patient enough, and hold out for the right job, it might be just the perfect fit for my life right now.

so yes! that's where i'm at. screwed up my back a bit working out, so that pretty much cancelled my routine for this week, but i should be fine for next week :)

and thank you kazi and tanya for your kind comments - i know we don't see each other, but your kindness is very much felt and appreciated :). much love <3

xoxo Jesse

so...

this is kind of a personal entry (aren't they all, for an individuals journal?). for the last couple months i've been really fighting depression hard. it's a much larger and stronger demon than i thought.

i try to tell myself that we all have bad days, and i try to let everyone see the best i'm doing in my life. but lately this has been a really heavy weight to try to mask, and my mask seems to be slipping a bit more everyday.

i'm not sure why i'm writing this to be honest. i just need to get it off my chest. i feel saying that i'm dealing with depression sounds like i'm making a few shit days sound overdramatic. i wish that was the case - it's a major demon to deal with, and it feels like it constantly operates under the radar, and draws all its strength by things like trying to let everyone see you at your best.

naturally, drinking - even casually - is not helping me at all, but i feel i've been lying to myself about that as well. i even got into a bit of a fight a week ago...it's not even a shadow of the person i am. i just didn't care at the time.

so yeah, on tuesday i have a doctors appointment. i just feel really trapped right now - by myself, my image (whatever that is), starting over again, not starting over, learning, remembering, forgetting. it all seems a bit confusing for me these days.

asking for help has always been one of the hardest things i've ever done. i have a false view that it comes across as weak...and it isn't. but i feel like i'm sinking here, and i'm too young to be consumed by something this dark. leaving the bistro may have had more of an impact on my subconscious than i give it credit for. i don't regret my decision - i had to get out of there - but the position i held there is something i've worked towards for years to get.

my greatest fear with seeing a doctor about my depression is being prescribed antidepressants. but at this point this is a fear that i'm going to have to face head on, because if that's the way it is then i'm at the point where i will accept it. i've got so much going for me...and i need to be able to see it and keep going with it. right now i'm blinded, and i just keep looking back to the past, cringing at the mistakes i made that may catch up with me. and that's not the mindset i want.

i guess we'll see what happens :)

xoxo Jess

wow...didn't realized i hadn't really written at all this year!!!

so, life has definitely taken a few twists and turns. but it always does. it's life - it's expected to take such things.

first off, i started off the new year with a bit of a bang i suppose, and FINALLY ended up leaving the bistro. being a head chef was a pretty cool experience - i learned more than i possibly could've imagined there. especially considering, two years back i wrote an entry stating all the problems i saw there, and that i would be there for two weeks max, get my xbox360 and leave for greener grass. i'm grateful for the time i spent there - it tested me for sure, good and bad.

but ultimately, near the end, the bads were FAR outweighing the goods. i was on-call 24/7. constantly stressed out. dealing with a general manager who seemed more concerned about jersey shore, her iphone and facebook than putting forth the work necessary to take the place to the next level and iron out the minor frustrations that held it back. dealing with a kitchen staff who had a heart attack if their schedule changed even slightly - but expected ridiculous amounts of time off requests granted at last minute. finding it IMPOSSIBLE to fire people as it was a family owned business - so anytime i did fire someone, the decision was reversed by one of the 6 (or 7?) owners. finding it impossible to hold down any sembalance of a social life, or even going on more than one date, as my schedule constantly changed, usually daily.

i could go on for way longer - i have, believe me - but at times like this i recall the wisdom of meditation. know thyself. you can only control you, and at that, there are times when things happen that you cannot control - you just have to choose the moments you can, and make the best decision possible. leaving was the best decision i could've made at this time. any earlier and i wouldn't have grown. any later and i would've turned very angry - moreso than i was already. i left when i needed to. and where i'm at now, not so much my style of cooking, but i'm needed there. and more importantly, i feel no stress - i'm pretty happy, and i feel balance returning to the world of jesse :)

still working out, and i absolutely love it. it's crazy to see the results so fast - both mentally and physically. i don't really feel the pangs of depression, or anxiety anymore. i feel i used to obsess about drinking or not drinking - i don't even think about that anymore. for the record, i quit again, but it just happened naturally - and it's been about a month now.

other than that, appreciating the downtime the seasons are offering. been watching avatar the last airbender again - can't wait for the next one! - and playing vid games. skyrim, super street fighter 4, and assassin's creed revelations are all on the menu currently. rented kingdom of amalur and dark souls - decent, but not worth purchasing. next on the hit list are bioshock infinite and BORDERLANDS 2!!!! will definitely be obsessed when that is out.

and, yeah, another valentine's passes me by, and i am single - but i don't feel alone this time. i like where this is going :)

xoxo Jesse

took a sip of something poison but i'll hold on tight...

the holiday season is always surreal to me...kind of a smoke and mirrors theme, i suppose. the xmas and new years were much healthier this year than they ever have been - previously, i'd had a tradition of getting blind drunk on xmas eve and getting really emotional, then waking up on christmas feeling hung over as shit and embarrassed that i generally couldn't even remember what i had been blathering on about the evening before.

i credit the effort i've put into my own personal health and wellbeing for being able to have a really great christmas this year. this is the first christmas day in a long time that i woke up feeling good. i got to spend time with my 3 month old nephew, bennett, and for the first time in years, me and my oldest brother started to patch up our previous very poor relationship.

in general, this was a good holiday season. however...i can't deny that within these last two weeks i have felt the pains of loneliness. i know it's a mindset, and being in a relationship does not "cure" you - indeed, i have been in some relationships where you actually feel even more lonely - but for whatever reason, these last couple weeks have had me feeling down. perhaps the holiday blues? i feel it's a temporary thing. i have been going on random dates, here and there, but haven't felt any clicks. i find i'm very honest with myself these days on whom i will pursue something with. the last relationship i was in was over a year ago now, and now that such time has passed, i only recall the good parts.

i guess with my brother and his wife starting a family, my other sister married with a baby on the way and jason getting married to chris, i feel there's something i'm missing. thing is, i don't know what i'm doing wrong i guess - i have a great job, i'm taking care of myself and i don't do any destructive partying anymore at all.

perhaps time will tell. time to work on patience and self discipline again.

oh well.

i'm grateful to have a nice cat :)

xoxo Jesse

hmm, been a few months i believe...!

i guess the last 2 months have treated me extremely well. i launched my 3rd menu on halloween, and it has got a lot of great feedback, and even a few online reviews - that always makes me happy :). i caught up on gaming (finally!) as i did virtually none during the summer and early fall, and what better way to catch up with gaming than by buying skyrim and ac: revelations.

on a - different note, i suppose - i don't want to say deeper but more personal, i've been doing a lot of changes on myself, starting with physically. i've been going to the gym for the last 2 months straight, 3x a week with a personal trainer, and have put on 20lbs of muscle...i never even thought getting results like this were possible with me. i haven't gained or lost 5lbs in 10 years. i've always been thin, and very happy being thin, but part of me wanted to see how far i could push myself personally to challenge my body in a healthier way. and i absolutely love it. i eat better, i feel better, and in general i feel much more balanced.

i got to take off the second half of november here as a vacation, and it was great. met a few new people, caught up with friends and family, and just reset myself in general. it was just what i needed. change was just what i needed. balance has always been what i needed - so i made it a priority. and i'm grateful i did.

i always feel nostalgic at this time of year, and think back to last year - good and bad. mostly good...in fact, not much bad enters the mind. there are some things i really miss about the person i was last year. but there are other things, the pressure of extremes, the whole living as an image and not a person, that i feel helped me at first - critically, actually - but overwhelmed me at the end.

i've had a pretty good year this year. i'm exceptionally happy with the last 2 months - i feel very much alive and balanced. it feels like my body has always wanted this, for so long, and i just woke it up. i'm happier, more than anything, that i've stuck with this, no matter what - i always find the first month is the "danger zone" for quitting positive habits and justifying them somehow, but i didn't allow this with myself. this just feels like a new start, again - but not a running new start. this is the way i've always thought new starts should be :)

xoxo Jesse