It takes acquired minds to taste this wine...

[mood| depressed]
[music| Only Time - Enya]

I had two parents growing up. But I was mostly raised by my mother – my father was always working. My mother taught me to be conscientious of others and to never say anything that would be too mean for them. Basically, to be polite. But as everyone knows…genetically, a person is half their mother, and half their father.

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-The Admiral

[mood| thoughtful]
[music| Say Anything – Good Charlotte]

”Some say that
Time changes
Best friends can become strangers
But I don’t want that
No, not for you
If you just stay with me
We can make it through…”

I heard this song today and it threw me back. I reconnected with an old friend recently. We had been best friends from third grade to late high school. I miss her all the time. We reminisce, but it’s not like it used to be. There have been too many years between then and now and we’ve both changed so much. I wish she lived closer. She was my Mickey. I was her Fitz. It was our running joke.

I don’t have good people like her in my life anymore.

I need to change that.

-The Admiral

[mood| melancholy]
[music| Wrong Side of Heaven - Five Finger Death Punch]

I feel like I need to write something. like I need to get things off my chest. But what do I say without sounding like a broken record?
I definitely feel trapped in my life. Like one of those toys from when I was a kid. You wind it up and let it go and it zooms off, usually running into a wall with a "thunk!" and bouncing off before zooming off toward another wall and doing the same thing. It does the same thing over and over until it runs out of kinetic energy from winding it up.

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I'm gonna get off of here now. Because mostly, I've run out of things to say and I feel like I'm talking in circles. Regardless, remain positive even on the darkest days. Because, speaking of music always helping me through stuff, as the Real McKenzies say, "It's the best day 'til tomorrow."

- The Admiral

[mood| angry]
[music| Dig - Mudvayne]

I have hospital bills up to my ears thanks to my surgery. I haven't been able to pay any of them because I'm not employed. I'm working on getting back into school and getting my life back on track.
Yesterday, my father asked my mother if there was anyway I could sign up for disability. And just the fact that he asked that question just infuriates me. My mother's response was, "Disability isn't part of her vocabulary. And I'm glad she thinks that way."

I'm glad my mom is in my corner. She always is. That's what makes her so amazing. But my dad? I mean, come on! Freaking disability?! What a cop out!! It shows an entire lack of faith in me and my abilities. I've come so far as it is. I've improved so much. I have numerous people in the field I'm trying to get in to telling me that I will be fine. That I can perform just as well as any of them.

I'm just so infuriated by this. I get that he probably thinks he's doing what he feels is best for me, but I mean, really? Really?? I'm not lame. I'm not deaf. I'm not completely blind. I don't have a terminal illness. I have a chronic illness, yes. An illness that, yes, a lot of people that have it do end up on disability. But they're far worse than I am. I'm 26 years old, for Christ's sake.

No. I will not go on disability. I will not throw up my hands and give up on my life, destined to sit around like a lump on a damn log. I was meant for better things. And I will achieve those better things. And I don't care if I don't have my dad's support. He's never been much of a supporter anyway. He'd rather cut you down than lift you up. That's always been a fact of his personality. So, no. Screw disability. I've got this.

- The Admiral

[mood| listless]
[music| Denial - Sevendust]

It's crazy.
I'm presented with so many different ways to pursue my education in law.
The one way I want to take is the easiest...the cheapest, but no the best way to learn. But I'm tired of sitting around my house and doing nothing.

My mom gave me a pep talk about being more positive. And I try to do so. But it's so freaking hard sometimes. Will I be good enough? Will I be a liability? These are constant doubts in my mind.

My boyfriend, Tom, I love him to pieces. But am I IN love with him anymore? We've been together through thick and thin for four years. But lately, I don't know. I'm struggling to be positive about so many things -- outwardly, if not inwardly. And he's just determined to be miserable and complain about 90% of his life. Mostly money. But I mean, who doesn't have money problems these days?

I don't know. I just...I wish I had more strength.

- The Admiral

[mood| frustrated]
[music| None]

I wrote this last month for a support group I'm part of, but it still rings true today. I've edited it a little to maintain anonymity.

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I feel a little better. Thank you for reading.

- The Admiral

[mood| content]
[music| Through the Fire and the Flames - Dragon Force]

Last year, I turned 25 years old. I was in school and living my life like any other 25 year old should.
In March of 2015, I finally went to a doctor for rapid weight gain, heavy menstrual cycles, and severe menstrual cramps. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). PCOS is a syndrome where a woman's ovaries have multiple cysts on them. It basically renders the woman practically infertile. It's not impossible to have children, but it makes it highly improbable that it will happen.

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So that’s the back story so far. Now you all know essentially what happened between then and now. And there will be more stories to come. :)


- The Admiral

[mood| ecstatic]
[music| Good Enough - Evanescence]

Greetings and salutations, my friends.

I have decided to return to using my journal here.
I went through 800+ entries and deleted them all, giving myself a clean slate.

My new layout is courtesy of sireesanwar from layout_lounge. The header photo/userpic can be found here, though I resized it and added lyrics from the song "We Are Done" by the Madden Brothers.

My first official entry will be coming soon. Thank you for your patience.

- The Admiral