Sprite!

It's a mile from Nirvana
But it feels like an inch,
In the here-and-now reality
Desiring nothing
Completely content.
I don't need to need,
I don't want to want,
So I don't.
I am what I am in this moment
Nothing less and nothing more
And for now,
That's more than alright,
For this eternal moment,
This is fulfillment.

May your season be better than your wildest dreams. I love you, Bengal Regiment, and I wish you all the best of luck for your season.

While visiting colleges, I have met:
A biology professor who was one part Mrs. Kramer, one part Mrs. Schmidt. The resemblance, mannerisms, facial expressions, and subject interests were frighteningly familiar.
Roommates who reminded me of Becca and Christie.
And a dorm host who must have stolen David Childs's voicebox.

Drew, if you read this, check your college email. The ups.edu one.

The primal roar rises up from inside me, but dies upon my lips.
The sound frightens even me and I quell it before anyone hears.
Or before I hear it.
The primal roar of a lifetime of bottled rage that I whisper to myself,
Because I want no one, no one to hear it.
All my life I've been saving this one, terrible fearsome roar,
The one that will tear the lungs, heart, and soul out of me,
So I can roar it from the top of a mountaintop a thousand miles away from the nearest person,
So that no one, no one but me...

So that only I will hear my roar.


And what of the panic that will come if this roar should falter? The unimaginable terror that would result if I were unable, in this perfect moment, to express a lifetime of pent up rage... Would I still be human?
**************

In other news, I'll be visiting colleges (Willamette, Puget Sound, and Reed) next week. Jello, look out. I'll b in ur base, verbing all ur nouns on around Thursday-ish. This means I can deliver your CD personally!
This trip also means I'm hella-screwed squared for homework. Looks like tonight and tomorrow night are going to be all-nighters.

since you last walked on dirt? How long since you trod upon the earth itself? Not on asphalt, concrete, tile, carpet, wood, rock, manicured lawns, etc.
Too long.
How long has it been, how long since you last put your hand in the dirt? How long since you touched the damp earth and caressed it? Not potting soil, not sandbox sand, not grit from the asphalt, not etc.
Too long.
For the dirt will caress us, in the end. Dust to dust.

Palaces of Brass haunted me today. The words echoed and tumbled in my mind. Like stones (in a gem polisher).
Today I contemplated forgoing speaking, writing, and verbal communication for a few days. Just to see its effect on existence.
It's all a little clearer to me now. A little clearer that the world is a murky place that is neither literally nor metaphorically getting clearer.

Happy Pi Day (3.14) everyone! It was actually at 1:59 and 26 seconds this morning, but we can all still eat pie and rejoice. In honor of pi day, and since I haven't posted anything for well over a month, I present to you PI, to the 49,980th decimal place, just to royally screw with your friends page. Don't get mad... now you have the power of pi to an obscene degree of accuracy!

3.
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Happy Pi day.

It seems I haven't posted here in well over a month. I've been here frequently to check up on all of you, to see how your lives are going, but I just didn't have anything to say. I'm like that sometimes.

I learned a couple lessons in the past 48 hours. No matter how empty you feel, no matter how sick and tired you are, no matter how exhausted you might be, there's always enough left to do what you really, truly love doing. Surviving on an average of 5 hours of sleep for the past two weeks, completely exhausted from ordinary life, I stayed up late before a ski day to dance with the best people in the world. I remembered that the hardest thing I ever did was to put down my plume after finals. Then, after less than 4 hours of sleep, I woke up bloody early to brave high winds and freezing cold just to teach a few kids how to make parallel turns. I never realized that I was tired until I signed the last one out at the end of the day. I told the kids yesterday: "teaching you guys how to ski is my favorite thing in the whole world." I thought it was a white lie at the time.
Then I realized that it was the truth.

I'm taking the time now to appreciate things (the snow blowing on the hill -- it looked like the ocean), to say what needs to be said (I love you all), and to do what needs to be done (stare at a candle while the power is out).

Guess who's a sucker?
Hint: It starts with a C and rhymes with "olin".
That's right. I went to school this morning. There was only about 2 inches of snow when we left, so we didn't bother to check the hotline. We got to school, the parking lot was empty, and there was a sign on the north doors saying "No School, SNOW DAY".
So here's to a warm fire, cocoa, and relaxation.

Also, I just checked the Jeffco Public Schools Website. And I quote:

"Finals and snow closures:
All Jeffco Public Schools will be closed Thursday, Dec. 21 because of the weather.
All final exams will be given when students return to school after the holiday break. Jan. 9 will be a review day for students and final exams will be be given on Jan. 10 and 11.
District offices will be closed Thursday, Dec. 21. If employees have questions, please contact your Manager."

It's official. We are on winter break. \/\/00t!

Fuck.

That sums up the calculus final (heck, the class, too), in a single word. There's no way in hell that 7% is going to be enough padding to save my ass. All I can hope is that it's curved, and worth less than 10% of the class grade. You fucked up, Colin. Hard. So if you get a C, you'll have to swallow it whole. Because you should have spent less time playing with Rubik's cubes and puzzles in the back of the room, and more time working and learning. Fuck. But at least the Bio test can still be the polar opposite. It sucks when you have to prove something to the world (or just yourself).

There's more to life than tests and points and grades, more to life than homework and essays and studies. But for two days, I'll lie to myself and pretend that there isn't.

playing the game,
playing the game,
playing the game.
And now, back to your regularly scheduled studying.

I must live this week like a samurai. Without the sepukku, of course.
Slice through the tests, charge through the projects, and finish with honor.
Because so much is balanced on a razor-thin blade, the difference between acceptance and denial.
Mostly though, I'm doing this to prove something to myself.
To prove that although I am a slacker at heart, I can still play the game.
I'm doing this for me.
So it's pretty likely I won't get much sleep this week.