August Twenty-Fourth

we are happy birthday people! dance and sing! dance and sing!!

by the way:

happy birthday, all.

the southside of 20, eh?

yes, i turned 19 on friday, obviously.

19. 19. 19.

i want to turn 21 for no good reasons. i'm not much of drinker. i just like the idea of being 21 for the shear fact that it's two years from now. all things going rightly, i'll be starting my senior year, driving and working somewhere nice and applying to teach at boarding schools.

my boyfriend is 23, soon to be 24 and says he can't wait to go to bars with me. hmm... not such a great thing to look forward to on his part, but this is two years from now and who knows.

the first half of the day was lousy. i was mauled and covered in cat hair and my tummy hurt.

the evening made things better.

but i felt like nick carraway in gatsby when he realizes it's his birthday. it was ironic.
i give the day a 6.

just a 6.

They were going to take me for coffee. #1 called at 11:00. Wants to know where we are going to go. Wants to know what we are going to do. A sleepy birthday girl, I sat there blinking. Getting interrogated for my birthday. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I want to say: look. It's MY day. You and #2 decide what we are going to do where we are going to do it, then come get me. As long as you are driving. As long as you are paying. That's the thing.

So the day passes and I have to: stay home, bad car. No walk in the woods. Call the phone company, sit on hold for 20 minutes to be told I've called the wrong department and will need to go back on hold for the right one. But I called the number you left on the CID. Laying on the floor, listening to Wendy Carlos strings, the receiver half off my ear. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. No walk, I've got people who are going to call. #1 wanted me to call #2 along with her, see if one of us could get her. I try around 1. Her mother picks up. Says she isn't there. So.

Around 3:30 I call #1. She has kids and a husband and an evening full of commitments. I say: looks like we aren't doing coffee. She's sorry but it's been a hectic day. We talk: about movies, about Internet people, about babies and sisters, about a friend I'm having troubles with. She tells me about her husband, about her best friends husband. 26 was harder than 30, for her, she tells me. I shrug, take a sip of my coke.

The day passes. And passes. And passed.

Today my car died in the middle of the road. In the screaming rain. Just past an intersection I barely made it through under a yellow light. My car just stopped, all batteries gone, I had to abandon her in low visibility in the left lane of a busy street without even blinking hazards. Cars blasting down the street, her way, in her lane. A wagon. A SUV. A gravel truck. Angry horns. What could else could I do? Couldn't think about it. Had to run. To the gas station across the street, cold and wet, sobbing in the blinding rain, sobbing into the unsheltered pay phone, rainwater pouring off the receiver into my sobbing mouth as I shout at the answering machine: Someone pick up. God, someone pick up. God, god, god, god, god.






Welcome to the south side of 20.

I can't remember having a worse day on my birthday.

At first all I wanted was to curl up in a corner and sleep. Or curl up in a corner and never wake up. And finally, just to vanish completely.

I spent the day alone. I only long to just be touched once. To know that I exist.

happy birthday to you

happy birthday to me

happy birthday, all of us

happy birthday to us

(and,
god,
please don't ask me what I want)

I don't want to be 21.
That means I'm supposed to be an adult right?
I'm currently compiling a list of possible places to run away to and hide.

If you were born of the 24th day of any month, you are characterized by your caring, easy going yet energetic nature. You are gifted with the desire for continual growth in life. This with your boundless energy makes it possible for you to be highly active and productive your entire life. However you are not interested in the material aspects of life, and are happy following pursuits where you can experience beauty and harmony, suck as collecting antiques or art works. Your personal life is often characterized by a high level of community involvement, especially where you can share your learning with others. Harmony is a word which can well describe your home life, which results from your caring and affectionate nature and your innate loyalty.

(just thought you should know)

(c) 1997, Print Cats

...are unlikely to post to a community journal.

I do not want to be alone on my birthday. This time last year, it felt the same way, but things were different. Here, there is no electricity. The streets look the same from one day to the next. The air is not at all crisp. Music has no meaning here.

I want to go home.