KAT-TUN Sings In Chest Voice
*****
One day, Producer-san said, “We’re going to try something new.” There was a long pause where nobody paid any attention to him and continued preening, as was usual for KAT-TUN. Producer-san remedied this by saying, very loudly, “In the interest of increasing your sex appeal, we have decided to have you all sing in chest voice.”
There was a very long pause again, but this time KAT-TUN’s faces had frozen in agony.
“Chest voice?” Ueda said slowly.
“I haven’t used chest voice in three years,” Nakamaru said nervously.
Kame asked, “What’s chest voice?”
*
“Recent market research,” Market-Analyst-san said, brushing back her hair, “suggests that girls find baritones way hot.”
Koki grinned.
“And basses are like, even more hot.”
Koki’s grin faded somewhat.
“Therefore, given KAT-TUN’s perpetually sexy image, we, the Market-Analysis-and-image-Suggestions-Krew (MASK) have decided that it is important for KAT-TUN to show their maturity and sex appeal by singing in chest voice.” A pause. “Tenors are so 1600’s.”
Taguchi said, “Uh.”
Producer-san interrupted. “Therefore, all of you are going to be tested for your ranges again and from now on will only sing in your chest voice. All of the composers in the company have been notified to write songs to allow all of you to utilize your natural chest voice.”
KAT-TUN glanced nervously at each other.
“Naturally,” Producer-san said, “That means you’ll all be going through some image changes.”
*
“No!” Nakamaru screeched. “I refuse! You can’t make me put on that… thing!”
The stylist gave him a scathing look. “Nakamura-san,” she said disapprovingly.
“Nakamaru,” his manager helpfully corrected.
“Nakamaru-san,” the stylist said. “Vocal-Trainer-san has given me the list and you are most certainly a bass. As a bass, that means that you’re getting Image C here on the list.” The stylist jabbed a finger (with the hand that was not holding what looked like only a pair of leather chaps) at the list taped onto the mirror. “Do you see what that says?”
Nakamaru squinted at it. “Villain?!” he screeched.
Stylist-san paused and checked the list again. “Oh, sorry. I meant that list.” She pointed to a list right next to the first one.
Nakamaru obligingly peered at the completely identical list. Stylist-san took the opportunity to quickly strip Nakamaru of his argyle sweater and run an oil-sponge over his chest.
“YEARGH!”
“Now we just need to take off your pants!” Stylist-san crowed.
“NO!” Nakamaru screamed, “I’m supposed to be the well-behaved one! I wear argyle! I go to college!”
*
Vocal-Trainer-san peered over the piano at Kame, who stood, smiling politely.
“Kamenashi-san, you aren’t a tenor,” she said.
Kame said, “Yes, I am. I’m the front-man of KAT-TUN.”
“Yes,” Vocal-Trainer-san said, “Though why that’s the case is beyond me. But you aren’t a tenor anymore.”
Kame said, “I—”
“Lie down on the floor, Kamenashi-san.”
Kame stared.
Vocal-Trainer-san said, “This is a tried-and-true method for finding chest voice, Kamenashi-san. Lie down on the floor.”
Kamenashi very reluctantly sat on the ground.
“Back on the floor, Kamenashi-san.”
Kamenashi glared, but reluctantly laid down.
Vocal-Trainer-san dropped a dictionary onto Kame’s chest. Kame wheezed. “Put that on your diaphragm, Kamenashi-san,” she said with no small amount of glee.
“Diaphragm?” Kame muttered.
She helpfully repositioned the dictionary so it rested at the edge of his ribs. “Let’s start!” she exclaimed gleefully before beginning to play scales. “Well? Sing along.”
Kame opened his mouth.
“We’ll do this all night long,” she said with an unholy gleam in her eyes. “Well, until you find your chest voice, that is.”
*
“Ueda-san,” the stylist said, “Against my better judgment, your eyeliner supply has been increased twofold, Apparently baritones in guyliner is the latest thing.”
*
“Sit down Tanaka-san,” Production-Assistant-One said helpfully, pointing at a chair. “Would you like strawberry or apple tea?”
Koki said, pitifully, “Coffee?”
Production-Assistant-One said, “Let me check with Producer-san and Vocal-Trainer-san about that.” Production-Assistant-One wandered away and then came back with a steaming mug. “Vocal-Trainer-san says Lemon Tea only, for you.” A pause. “Nobody’s allowed to drink coffee anymore. The caffeine, you know? Bad for the voice.”
Koki whimpered a little.
“It’s perfectly understandable that you’re feeling a little lost,” Production-Assistant-One said, not-very-comfortingly. “These new image changes are very confusing. But that’s what we’re here for.”
“We?”
“Well, me,” she said. “I’m also the Image-Change-And-Other-Potentially-Traumatizing-Events Counselor. When I’m not assisting producers.”
Koki said, “Oh,” very quietly and sipped his tea.
“Now,” the ICAOPTEC said. “I must admit, I was surprised that you were having the most trouble adapting to your new image. It says here that you’re a baritone, and you’ve been given the Sexy-Sidekick image.” A pause. “How is this different from your previous image?”
Koki knocked over his teacup as he lurched to his feet. “It’s not what the image is!” Koki shouted. “It’s who I’m sidekick to!”
*
Taguchi hummed happily as he sauntered out of vocal training, scant hours after he finished dance-practice where he had two solo dance-breaks scripted. He also had an appointment for a new haircut tomorrow, and five interviews lined up for later in the week. His personal manager was getting stressed.
But for now—he sat down in the plush armchair across from Counselor-san—“Iriguchi, deguchi, Taguchi-desu,” he said cheerfully.
“Does Producer-san know that you’re keeping your gags?”
“Every girl likes a hero with a sense of humor—and confidence to back it up,” Market-Analyst-san said helpfully from her position in a corner of the room where she was holding a camera. “Taguchi-san is doing just fine. This is very sexy.” She gave him a thumbs-up.
Taguchi smiled and bowed.
“Alright then.” Counselor-san shrugged. “As long as Producer-san is aware and alright with it.”
Market-Analyst-san said, “I sent her the memo yesterday.” She beamed.
Taguchi beamed back.
For a good ten minutes, the two of them beamed at each other. Strangely enough, the light from the small window seemed to be perfectly positioned to reflect the highlights of his hair and accent the planes of his cheeks.
Finally, the counselor coughed softly. “Taguchi-san.”
Taguchi helpfully turned to her.
“This is really a formality. But how are you handling your new position as heroic prince of the band?”
*
Extra 1
KAT-TUN comes-back with new, SEXY, image! Taguchi as a Prince? Nakamaru as a mastermind-villain?
In their latest single: WonderLand FairyTale Quest, Taguchi Junnosuke plays the prince with his courageous sexy sidekick Tanaka Koki and humorous friend Kamenashi Kazuya as they set off to slay evil masterminds Nakamaru Yuichi and Ueda Tatsuya to prevent them from taking over the world with their secret mind control device. The PV is 64 minutes long and features two 10-minute-long dance breaks where Taguchi dances through forests of evil and deserts of scorching sun. Nakamaru has a 10 minute solo scene where he lounges, shirtless and heavily oiled, with scantily clad girls dancing around him, while singing in a bass voice about how he will defeat Taguchi once-and-for-all.
Since the release of this PV, KAT-TUN has undergone many changes. Taguchi has been confirmed to be lead in upcoming stageplay: “Let me be your Prince Charming” where he does nothing but dance while looking really hot with flippy hair.
Nakamaru has received over two-hundred marriage offers. They claim his “low, seductive voice” has “pierced them to their deepest secrets” and that he can mind control them any day.
Ueda has been asked to be the spokesperson for SK-II’s new make-up line, featuring twelve different types of eyeliner.
Tanaka has received thirteen offers to host late-night radio shows and ten offers to read romance audio-books.
Kamenashi was not available for comment.
Extra 2
Jin said, “Taguchi is a tenor?!”
Extra 3
Duet Exclusive! What is the biggest change you’ve noticed with your new image?
Nakamaru: “I’m actually quite concerned. When I go to class, the girls keep throwing themselves at me. I’ve been having trouble going places because everybody keeps asking me questions.”
Ueda: “I’ve never owned so much eyeliner in my life.”
Tanaka: “It’s very interesting, romance books. I didn’t realize how addicting they could be. Also, lots and lots of sex. Like, even more than usual.”
Taguchi: “I think the biggest change is not being allowed to drink coffee. Oh, and Kame-chan doesn’t have as much work now, so he’s actually getting sleep. Except I don’t think he is, since he still seems very tired.”
Kamenashi: “Biggest change? Probably that instead of staying up all night filming dramas or practicing, I’ve been staying up all night plotting ways to murder Taguchi in his sleep so I can be front-man again.”
Prologue
Market-Analyst-san said to Producer-san. “If we follow very traditional trends, then Nakamaru, as a bass, gets to play the villain.” She fiddled with the projector for a bit. “Everybody knows villains have oodles of sex-appeal.” A pause. “Every girl likes the bad boy.”
The producer nodded thoughtfully.
Market-Analyst-san continued, “Now baritones tend to be a bit more versatile. They’re villains or comedic sidekicks or sexy sidekicks. We’re going to go with villains and sexy sidekicks since KAT-TUN is all about sex.” A pause. “But maybe Kamenashi should be the comedic sidekick, just to balance thing out.”
Producer-san sighed. “Tanaka-san is such a bad influence.”
“Oh that’s fine,” Market-Analyst-san said cheerfully. “We’re quite lucky, after all. We actually have a tenor.” She beamed and cackled a little, beaming at her laptop. “And he’s one fine fine man.”
end.
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virdant
help_japan auction like, 2 years ago. I've waffled on what to write Mikachi for so long because at first I was going to write Gazette for her and then Sherlock, but after spending many hours pouring over my KAT-TUN videos trying to figure out their natural ranges, there is only one thing I can write for her. :DDDD Oh, and I feel no shame at all. Just putting it out there.