I think my VMware installation is cursed. Back when I installed and set up a VM for the first time, setting mks.noBeep = TRUE in every possible combination of locations still didn't stop it from alerting me to an action I was consciously doing (moving in and out of the window).
Yapping aside, now it wants to update, and needs both an outdated verion of GCC and kernel headers matching my current version, 6.8.0-71-generic. The outdated version of GCC was stupid, but easy. Looking online for the headers, everywhere says to simply sudo apt install linux-headers-`uname -r`, and that installed something, but apparently not the correct thing? Rebooting my system didn't work, either; nor did poking in every related directory in /usr/src/linux-headers-6.8.0-71-generic for the "Location" field. What does it want me to do?
Edit: Uninstalling and reinstalling did not work. Creating a symlink to version.h etc. in /usr/src/linux-headers-`uname -r`/include/linux also did not work.