The following is a Public Service Announcement based mainly on my experiences. If you interact with me on a regular basis, please read. Some of you may see yourself in one or more of the below statements--I do not want apologies. I am not upset at anyone. This is an educational tool. These points are probably relevant to most people who are suffering grief of any kind:
Just because the term “late” proceeds the term “husband”, does not mean it is OK to look at me like a deer in headlights. That awkward silence can be like a knife to my heart.
He was a large part of my life; I am going to mention him from time to time.
If I bring his name up please do not try to change the topic or avoid the conversation. It hurts to feel like I cannot bring him up in conversation.
Please do not be afraid of making me sad. I am usually relieved and touched that someone is willing to talk about him.
I am always sad about it. That is never going to change. You do not “get over” grief. You just learn to live with it.
There will be times that something will remind me and make me cry or get upset. This is normal. This is grief. Trying to hide it from others or from myself just makes it worse.
A big cause of stress for me is controlling myself around people that I know cannot handle my grief.
If on the unlikely chance that you say something that upsets me, it is not your fault. I am never going to blame anyone who does me the good grace of talking to me about him.
I have found that this became aggravatingly prevalent just after the first year anniversary. It continues to be a hard thing to handle.
My 16th birthday 1986 Getting accepted to college 1988 April 4th, 1991 - Pass the Ketchup September 30th, 1991 - Howling at the Moon December 21, 1994 - Our engagement April, 2000 - First job in IT September 12th, 2001 - Everyone in the family is out of work, except my baby Sister September, 2007 - The MRSA infection took hold April, 2010 - ICU - emergency surgery for my husband while my Mom was having the deep brain stimulation for her Parkinson's. June, 2010 - Beautiful weekend in NH July 31, 2010 - My Lovey hopefully, finally found peace November 15th, 2014 - we closed on a new home April, 2015 - Technical Director in community theater for the first time New Year's Eve 2015 - with a new relationship
You will notice that none of these moments have anything to do with politics. Except for those things that impacted the economy in 2001 and events of 2001, all of these are personal moments. The moments that have helped define me. The moments that have moved me in new directions and influenced those directions. Some good, some bad, some horrorific and yet, some that started seeming like negative and turning to be positive. And vice versa.
But these are all significant moments because of the action that they moved me too. The influence that caused me to stay the course or change my path. And those changes were my conscious choices. I embraced my life and let my choices chart the new path.
A Trump presidency saddens and angers me, but it does not define me. It may push the country in a new direction that seems bad and define what the country becomes next, but in the end may be good. I don't know, I will withhold judgement until words become actions and see the effect those actions have. All I can hope is that whatever the direction we go, in the long term we are still capable of affecting that path.
Hold your leaders accountable. Make noise when they do something you don't like -- but also make noise when they do something you do like. Take careful measure of how you want this country to be and make sure that your elected representatives know it. Democracy is not a passive thing, not something we engage in only on election day. It is an active way of life and should be embraced. Make sure your choices are charting a path that you want to walk.
There have been some major upheavals at 5 Elsie Street aka Wood End. They have not been publicized but they have been seriously affecting my mood and my sense of security. Things are finally calming down and I feel like I'm regaining my footing, but it has been very stressful.
This highlights the other thing that I have not talked about: how much it took to become this vulnerable again. I was getting into a very dark place living alone and making a choice to look for multi-adult living situations came out of realizing that it was not sustainable for me.
Had you asked me four years ago though, I would not have chosen to become the newbie in an existing family structure. It took time to realize that finding/creating a new family was needed.
All that aside, I continue to be extremely grateful to Roo and her adults. Despite all the stress, this has been a mental step up and I am in a better spot emotionally and mentally than I was a year ago.
Roo seems to be accepting me as one of her adults and that is both extremely satisfying and OMG ADORABLE at times.
Both my Manager and my Team Lead have accepted other positions within the company.
The new Team Lead took over on March 31 and he seems to be doing pretty well. He's a bit more laid back than the previous and that is a good thing.
I got taken to task for my "absences" and told that I should just take a full day off for appointments that are going to take more than 1.5 hours.
This is pretty problematic given the last medical update and the fact that I'm on pretty low PTO due to the illness at the beginning of the year.
We still don't have a replacement for my manager so she has been working 2 jobs effectively since the beginning of March.
I am finally in the new position that I was supposed to transition to last fall.
I am enjoying it but it has been a major adjustment to how I work--with deadlines in terms of days rather than weeks or months.
And BTW it's April. Aries birthday was on the 14th, my father on the 12th and mine on the 23rd. Lots of landmines.
Topped off with your basic spring cold with an extra side of cough. *rolls eyes* Oh well.
Calling all Programmers, Device Tech and generally problem-solving ingenius friends: I need something to help my Mom communicate again. If you think you can help or know of someone who can help or has solved this kind of problem, please let me know. My Mom really needs help.
Problem: Mom has Parkinson’s. Her loss of muscle control is affecting her ability to speak.
Possible Solution? -Touchpad laptop or tablet with suggested word functionality like your average text program on a phone. Very plain “desktop” that only includes IM, Email and Web functionality.
Limiting Factors: Hands are shaky and have limited mobility. Keyboards and small devices have proven problematic. Solution needs to be affordable. Think under $500.
Any and all ideas are welcome. I admit my own ability to problem-solve around this has been limited by emotional involvement, lack of programming ability and the need for a solution that is not going to cost hundreds to thousands of dollars.
If we cannot find a way to work with each other - despite our different frameworks - to deal with an abuser and social gatherings then we have a pretty deep problem.
In my LiveJournal alone (and I certainly don't have the largest of friends list I know of...), my flist crosses the boundaries of PolyBoston, the local SpinJams, the Burner Crowd, the Kink Community, Community Theater and the MIT Suspects crowd. More than one of them has struggled with this issue and that is a lot of points of view, a lot of history and a lot of different lifestyles.*
So in an attempt to boil an extremely complex situation and discussion into it's simplest form, I am asking for ideas.
Putting aside recent events and escalating disagreements, how would you want to deal with an abuser and social gatherings within your social circle?
Guidelines to keep in mind:
Don't make specific references to people or history*.
This is in regards to gatherings in private settings, ie a person's home.
One person's friend could be another person's abuser.
*(ETA-Forgot to put this at the bottom) I am a historian at heart and have some very passionate ideas on personal history that I may expound upon in a separate post.
Full of some of the greatest wordplay in English drama, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead examines the meaning of death and the questions of life from an absurdist perspective that leaves audiences laughing at their own folly and gasping at the truths revealed.
Double-Deal! Enjoy dinner and a show! - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead patrons get 10% off food purchases at Foundry or Saloon with a same-day ticket stub. - Ticket purchases at the box office get a $5 discount when a same-day receipt from Foundry or Saloon is presented.
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