botty

Simon Cowell's enthusiastic foray into fatherhood apparently doesn't extend to the cleaning of botties. Asked whether he has changed his son Eric's nappy yet, he of the high trousers (and even higher opinion of himself) replied that he leaves that job to the nanny.

Honestly, I know it's reality telly and therefore a mendacious bagatelle of scripted set-pieces and editing suite-concocted conflict, but surely people this bluff, crass and generally up their own botties don't actually exist in the real world, do they?

I think the only problem we had in 1947 was a shortage of coal, hence the introduction of sea coal, which I can recall using my sledge like many others to gratefully secure from Botties on West Street.

ONE DIRECTION have revealed the bonkers lengths their fans go to squeeze their botties. 1D-er NIALL HORAN, 18, said: "One girl flew from Australia to America and back again the same day just to catch sight of us at the airport, and another keeled over in front of Zayn when he mouthed 'Hello' through a window." If I was 10 years younger, I would too.

White Blouse EUR19.75, Tulle Skirt EUR19.75, Metallic stockings EUR6.90, Clutch EUR13.75, botties EUR23.75, Accessories starting at EUR4.90 Model Right - sweatshirt EUR17.75, sequin skirt EUR26.75, loafers EUR19.75, accessories starting from EUR4.90

If pitches with underground heating are perfectly playable, should matches be called off in case spectators might slip and hurt their botties? Bingo, lap-dancing, knitting groups, even carol services, for crying out loud, are cancelled in case would-be attendees find the roads and pavements treacherous.

After ripping out the burglar alarm, they wrecked and stole money from a cigarette machine, a one-arm bandit," and a telephone coin-box and took botties of spirits from the bar.

Previous years' best botties have included Alex Best (right), Natasha Hamilton and Ronan Keating.

And, frankly, the only reason to watch this utter fluff is to see Z-list celebrities getting hoses up their botties.

Fill two quart-size plastic botties with water, weight them with pebbles, and place both in a standard toilet tank.

There was a shortage of coal and many people (including me) carted cheaper sea coal back home from Botties at the top of Grahamsley Street in freezing conditions after queuing for ages.

But sadly, you won't get to see Huw's pics or find out who's potty about botties - the pages have mysteriously disappeared...