A Short Tale of Slash Style Humour....

Would Like to Meet...

Pairing: Sheppard and Steve the Wraith… and Kavanagh and a Wraith – if he gets lucky!  Genre: Slash, but not too graphic...  Warnings: Slashy scenes of stupidity and comedy! Don’t take it seriously…! J  Summary: Dr Kavanagh has a new leisure interest – Wraith!  Author's Notes: Refers to – er – I can’t remember the episode where Bob the Wraith appears… D’OH! But – Bob’s in this one and the story also refers to the Siege (parts one and two). It’s a stand alone story and doesn’t take place as a definite instalment of the Steve and Shep series I seem to have built up but refers to the events in A Change in Circumstances. I just felt like writing something a little crazy! J   Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate: Atlantis, it’s characters, the city, the Puddlejumpers or… anything at all related to it for that matter. I also don’t own the Wraith – who are probably very glad given this story! The only reward I got for writing this story was personal satisfaction.

Dr Kavanagh was walking along looking at a list of readouts, preoccupied with the state of the technology in the city of Atlantis. He spied Major Sheppard out of the corner of his eye.

"OK, here’s the results from the Puddle Jumper’s diagnostics and OH MY GOD I WANT TO BARF!"

"Huh?" Major Sheppard looked up from enjoying kissing Steve on the lips and eyed Kavanagh innocently.

"It’s not right – it’s just sick! Kissing the enemy!" the scientist yelled.

Steve sighed and looked bored. "I am not the enemy."

"You’re a Wraith!"

"Your observance stuns me." Steve said flatly. "And I still have nicer hair than yours."

"You do, Steve. You really do." Sheppard smirked.

"Can you get drummed out of the Air Force for screwing aliens?" Kavanagh snapped.

"Hey!"

Steve rose to his feet and looked at Sheppard deeply. "My heart belongs to you. I merely wish to educate this… scientist."

"How – oh…" Sheppard looked on with amusement as Steve strode up to Kavanagh, gripped him by the shoulders and made him yelp. Then he leaned forward, kissed him on the lips, embraced him romantically and kissed him in the kind of heavenly manner that made Sheppard want to come in his pants. Steve, knowing this, chose moments in public to express his feelings with his lips in this manner.

When Steve gently released Kavanagh, the scientist nearly collapsed, gazing at Steve in shock, lust and hazy amazement.

"So – what did you think?"

"That was amazing…" Kavanagh sighed and fainted with a dreamy smile on his face.

Major Sheppard looked at the out cold form of Kavanagh and then at his lover. "Steve – I’m jealous as heck but that was good…!"

Steve sat next to Sheppard and put his arms around him. "Where were we…?"

***

"Mmmm… Wraith…" Kavanagh said to himself, secretly desiring a piece of Wraith for himself. He spent the rest of the day in a daze, thinking about long white hair, the eyes, the hands, the toned bodies… those lips… "I want… Wraith…"

***

Kavanagh was delighted when he heard a Wraith had been captured and really hoped his luck was in as he jogged down to the holding cell which contained a Wraith Major Sheppard had named Bob. As a result he had to go and take a look for himself.

***

"So… Bob…" Kavanagh smiled. "How do you feel about humans?"

"For food?" Bob said dangerously.

"No… for quiet nights out and nights in, must have a good sense of humour… conversations, a little bit of loving…" Kavanagh gazed at the mad as hell Wraith and took in the look of those lips. I must have him, he thought.

"You are derranged!" Bob yelled, looking shocked.

"And you are sex on legs!" Kavanagh breathed. "I just want to screw you, Bob! Really, I just want to hold you close and kiss you on the lips and do the sex…"

There was a loud snigger and Kavanagh found himself looking at Dr Zelenka.

"Not a word!"

"You fancy Wraith. Is fine. Major Sheppard love Wraith – Wraith Steve. Is OK. This Wraith… not dating material."

"I want my own Wraith!" Kavanagh gasped. "I really do! It’s not fair! Sheppard’s got one and I want one, too! Ever since Steve kissed me –"

"Steve kissed you and Sheppard did not gun you down?"

"Steve was proving a point. He was… damn, he was amazing. I want a male Wraith." Kavanagh looked at Bob. "I. Want. You."

Bob snarled at him.

"Oh, come on – the ranking military officer here sleeps with a Wraith!"

Bob looked shocked at this statement.

"He shares his bed… with… a Wraith…?"

"Yes – called Steve."

"Why are we bestowed with such pitiful names?"

"It’s all down to that mentally incompetent moranic, low IQ’d, pants half way down his hips, boxer shorts showing, macho, testosterone charged, scruffy haired –"

"A – hem…"

Kavanagh turned his head to the door.

"Major Sheppard."

"Hello." Sheppard said. "For the record I’m not mentally incompetent. And Steve loves my hair – and my pants. And Bob here is hungry – and not for sex. You go in that cage and he will kill you with his bare hands – literally. If you want a Wraith, we’ll have to go get you one. Bob here is just not screwing material."

"But he’s… gorgeous…"

Bob looked shocked.

"But clearly… not interested." Kavanagh said, depressed. "Damn it. I have less luck in love than Dr Beckett!"

"Hey!"

Kavanagh looked over to see Carson Beckett standing in the doorway looking a little shocked.

"Damn it. I just can’t do right for doing wrong." Kavanagh stuffed his hands in his pockets and trudged out of the room. "But I still think you’re hot, Bob."

***

Kavanagh had his wish for Wraith fulfilled when the city was attacked by endless streams of Wraith Darts, hive ships and firepower.

"There are Wraith all over the city –" Dr Weir began.

"Great!" Dr Kavanagh jumped up and made a mad dash to where the source of the disturbance was. "I hope one of them is hot for it!"

"We have the self destruct on, the city is about to be taken nad all you can think of is screwing the enemy?!"

"If I find me a Wraith to get jiggy with I’ll die happy!"

Dr Weir looked on in shock as Kavanagh ran out of the door as the Stargate burst into life.

***

Kavanagh was on the prowl for suitable prey. He knew it should be the other way around – the Wraith stalking him and wanting to use him to fulfil their means. Kavanagh laid eyes on a slender, white haired Wraith who did not look as pretty as Steve but he would do – if he was interested. The poor creature was taken by surprise and did not have time to react as Dr Kavanagh grabbed him, kissed him passionately on the lips and held him in a clinch.

He drew back, shocked.

"I will kill you for tha –" the Wraith began.

Again, he was cut off as Kavanagh told him to shut up while he got the best sweet loving of his life. As the thrill of the chase wore off, Kavanagh realised he was lucky to be alive as he felt the Wraith embrace him, untie his hair and then kiss back sweetly.

Great, thought Kavanagh. Now how do I find a quiet place to have my way in the middle of a war zone…?

His eyes strayed to the Wraith Dart hovering just by the balcony.

"Come here, darling. I think I know where we can be alone…" he pulled the Wraith to the awaiting dart by his coat and all but dragged him in. "So – when’s the last time you – WOAH!"

The Wraith was upon him, kissing him passionately, then neatly relieving him of his clothes. Kavanagh did the same and found himself looking at a pale and very toned body with the most wonderful…

"Warm and furry…" Kavanagh quoted Sheppard. "Wraith really do have furry balls…"

He pleasured his Wraith companion and was satisfied when the Wraith did the same with him. He smiled, he sighed and he felt infinite pleasure as all hell broke loose in Atlantis. He would not call this session making love – he would call it a quick fling, a sensational, hot quick fling in a Wraith Dart built for two. The pair of them went at it, for reasons neither of them could quite gather but putting it down to the fact that they needed some sexual exercise.

And then it happened.

There was a knock at the window.

Kavanagh looked up.

Who the hell was that military guy? And why did Sheppard, who was flanking him, look really pissed off? Not that it didn’t serve him right if a higher ranked officer…

The guy was a colonel.

What a way to be introduced to new personnel who had just chosen a hell of a time to go bounding through the Stargate when all hell was breaking loose.

"Are you having some trouble?" the Colonel asked.

"Yes – I’ve lost my trousers!" Kavanagh smirked.

"And you seem to have the same problem as Major Sheppard. You can’t keep your hands off the Wraith."

Sheppard looked at the floor.

Kavanagh’s slender Wraith partner looked at Colonel Everett with wide, excited eyes and a huge grin.

"I have not felt such gratification in too long." He said, stroking his beard braids. "I am wondering what branch of science this man is educated in. I would imagine it is anatomy…"

"Listen you –" Colonel Everett began.

"You? We should call him –" Sheppard began.

"Don’t name him! I want to –" Kavanagh began.

"Jack." Sheppard said.

"You cannot call a Wraith JACK!" Colonel Everett yelled.

"Why not? It’s a great name. Hey, Jack – is Kavanagh good…?"

"Major Sheppard, that is disrespectful of General Jack O’Neill! Hold your tongue!"

Sheppard looked shocked and looked at him with wide brown eyes. "My neighbour’s dog back on Earth is called Jack..."

Everett did not look impressed.

Jack smiled and looked at Kavanagh. "I would not normally partner with a human but I find he is… my sexual equal."

"Geez… you’re not too experienced in the bedroom department then, are you Jack? Jack shit – is that how much experience you’ve got?" Sheppard said.

"You bitch, Sheppard!" Kavanagh said. "I happen to like… Jack…"

He pulled the slender Wraith close and got shoved away.

"Sorry, darling. I am into one night stands." Jack smirked.

"You… WHORE!" Kavanagh yelled as he pulled on his clothes and jumped out of the Wraith Dart, then grabbed Colonel Everett’s gun, receiving a tirade of swearing, and disappeared down the corridor threatening Jack with a hosing down with gunfire.

Sheppard looked longingly at the Dart and was about to jump in when Jack came running back, straight past the officers and jumped in.

"That man is insane!!" Jack gasped, flying off as fast as he could.

"CHEAP ASS! I hope you get shot down!" Kavanagh yelled, returning to the balcony and shooting in the Wraith’s direction.

"Can I have my gun back –" Colonel Everett began.

"Damn it! I’m going to have to find me a new Wraith to do the wild thing with!" Kavanagh turned and ran off down the corridor.

"Major Sheppard – is this what’s become of the city under your military command?"

"No… he’s a scientist. It’s not my fault he’s insane."

"And you’re playing happy families with a Wraith!"

"If you got to know him you’d understand."

"I’ll have him caged."

"You’ll have to get past the inhabitants of the city, then." Sheppard said, folding his arms and looking at the floor. "Just ask anyone – heck, ask Rodney, Dr Weir – everyone."

"I’ll deal with that later. How do you know he’s not going to join his people?"

Sheppard sighed. "They don’t consider him one of their own. It’s a long story I’d like to tell you but we don’t have time for that now. We’ve got incoming – RUN FOR COVER!"

***

And within the city, Kavanagh was running, chasing another Wraith. This one was a black clad, straight white haired vision of lovely Wraithy gorgeousness and Kavanagh was determined to have him. He was tall, well built – and not only Kavanagh was sure he was his type, he was determined to test his theory too.

"Come back here!" Kavanagh yelled.

"No! You are not my type!" The Wraith yelled.

"Holy shit!" Lt Ford looked on in amazement as he saw the Wraith and then Kavanagh run past. He looked at Teyla who looked stunned. "We’re meant to be eliminating the Wraith presence in the city and he’s playing kiss chase…?!"

"It’s one way to tackle the enemy…"