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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
🌴 comedian | writer | etc. 🌴
Los Angeles, CAinstagram.com/_robertschultzJoined January 2010
1,661 Following
52.6K Followers

Robert Schultz’s Tweets

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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
My freshman year roommate sat me down Day 1 and was like “Heads up: I’ll be bringing lots of girls and maybe even some guys to the dorm this year so, if that scares you, grow up cuz this ain’t high school!�? Anyway, he brought one girl back the whole year and now they’re married.
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000�? and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe�?
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
people are surprised that pete davidson keeps dating famous women but that is simply the reward he received for carrying madame zeroni up the mountain
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
setting everything else aside, Elon uses Twitter way too much to be the person in charge of Twitter… like I’ve never thought the CEO of McDonald’s should be whoever eats the most McDonald’s.
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
i’m “LA sober�? which means i won’t drink a beer while watching a football game but i will dry-swallow 2 adderalls while staring blankly at my phone
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
me: sorry for that tiny mistake my gf: oh it’s literally not a big deal also my gf: *immediately starts typing a paragraph in her girls group chat*
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
i was wearing what i thought was a normal-sized jacket and then a bartender was like “i love your tight little jacket�? and now i need to hurl myself down a well
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
when i first moved to la, my mom called and said “i’m worried you’re staying out all night partying and abusing drugs�? and it’s truly so embarrassing to have to explain to your mom that you’re not as cool as she thinks you are
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
the longer you’re in a stable relationship the more sexless your half of the couples costume becomes. when you start dating it’s like “she’s a sexy prisoner and im a shirtless dungeonmaster�? then after a few years it’s like “she’s a sexy prisoner and im clifford the big red dog�?
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
my boss accused me of “quiet quitting�? and it’s like, no i am not, i’m just genuinely bad at my job
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
my mom may be a white woman but she really defies stereotype cuz, like, as long as ive known her she’s never once demanded to speak to a manager…. she’s always been perfectly happy to just keep screaming at an entry level employee
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
when parents are like “we didn’t let our kids drink soda so now they actually think soda tastes gross�? it’s like, wow, congratulations on raising kids who know to lie to you about liking soda
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
a guy at a party once told me he was cheating on his gf and then said “i need you to not tell anyone�? and it’s like, nah dude, you needed you to not tell anyone
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
high school teachers love to be like “that stunt you pulled earlier won’t fly in college�? and the stunt was, like, sneezing in class
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
relationships are about give (i give my girlfriend a t-shirt i expect to wear again in the future) and take (she takes a pair of scissors and cuts that t-shirt into a crop top)
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
i took a self-defense class and the instructor said “90% of self-defense is knowing what to do�? which would’ve been comforting if the other 10% wasn’t overpowering a murderer
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
“can i borrow your phone?�? no, sorry, that’s where i keep all the voice memos i made of myself singing to see if i even have a good voice
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
i know it’s easy to get depressed because the news is all doom and gloom but just keep in mind that there are so many things the news doesn’t report on that are, honestly, so much worse
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Robert Schultz Retweeted
Nori Reed
@realnorireed
If ur adhd friend runs you over with their car IT’S OKAY
Quote Tweet
Josh Weed
@The_Weed
If your #ADHD friend hasn’t been in touch I promise they still love you. They just don’t have object permanence so if something is no longer in front of them their brain loses track of it. Trust me, when you reach out their eyes light up & they are so excited to hear from u!
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
fancy restaurants love to be like “we are reimagining the loaf of bread�? and, it’s like, i’m pretty sure they got bread right the first time
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
i heard someone say “we all have those friends who are brutally honest and are constantly roasting you�? and it’s like, yeah, i think those friends are otherwise known as “enemies�?
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
my parents: we love you very much but we’ve decided to get a divorce me: but being a WIFE GUY is a centerpiece of dad’s PERSONAL BRAND!!!
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
"can you explain this gap in your resume?" oh, yeah, that's when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
my cousin's boyfriend is having a graduation party and i asked my mom if i was expected to go and she said "why wouldn't you be expected to go???" and it's like, gee idk, maybe because I'm like 8 steps removed from being an important part of his life
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
mock adam levine all you want… you’re gonna feel pretty silly when he uses all this as inspiration to write one of the worst hit songs of all time
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Robert Schultz
@_RobertSchultz
the first Libertarian was like “what if I combined a Republican’s politics with a Democrat’s ability to bum everybody out?�?
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