Caterpillars In the Spring
Title: Caterpillars In the Spring
Author: validatedpride
Pairing: Joe/Nick
Summary:
When Joe and Nick's daughter is diagnosed with leukemia at age six, it turns their world upside down. Moving across the country, years of hospital visits, drugs and chemotherapy follow. And the constant fear that it's all going to fail and they're going to lose their baby girl hands over their heads. She's nine now. The only thing they can do is keep a smile on their face, to stay strong for Harlow, and hope.
Rating: PG-13
A/N: Jeez, I haven't been on LJ in a long time...
The hospital room is brightly decorated. The walls are painted blue and there’s a big window right next to the bed that looks over the city. Cars rush by on the streets down below as civilians walk along the streets. There’s the occasional blare of a horn or siren, and shouting from below. A garbage truck passes, rumbling on by. And a few moments later, a bus, metallically clattering along. It comes to a halt in front of a bus stop and a handful of people climb onto it. A woman walks out of a building with two young children in tow. She looks flustered as she takes one of each of their hands, pulling then along with her. A teenager walks a huge black dog. It stops to sniff something, but the kid pulls it away. A man hurries through the crowd with a cell phone to his ear, elbowing people out of his way.
Inside the room, the air conditioning is on too high and it’s chilly. Two of the ceiling tiles above the bed have been replaced with paintings, since ‘people in hospitals spend a lot of their time looking at the ceiling’. There’s a TV on a chest of drawers across the room with a television and it’s on, but just for background noise, to avoid the long periods of silence that would otherwise fall over the room. The room that’s become far too familiar over the past couple of years.
Well, maybe not this room, but all of them look the same.
She stares out the window, drowning out the words of the doctor until she hears the familiar voice say her name. “Harlow.”
“Yep?”
“Are you ready?”
“Yes.”
“Alright. Brief stinging sensation…”
Joe takes her daughter’s hand, stroking the top of it with his thumb, moving it in little circles. It’s soothing, and she likes it. She stares out the window, focusing on every little detail she can pick out. Joe leans in and softly sings to her. Then a jabbing pain in her spine. She hitches in a breath, gritting her teeth. Involuntarily, she squeezes Joe’s hand. Practically crushing it, but she doesn’t mean to, and Joe doesn’t mind.
Joe finishes the verse and runs a hand through her hair. It’s over now. “You okay, caterpillar?”
Nick reaches out to touch his daughter’s hand, resting his on top of hers ever so gently. It’s warm, and it feels nice. She runs her tongue over her bottom teeth and licks her lips. “I’m cold.”
Nick glances at Joe, who’s wearing a zip-up black jacket - the one with the big pockets and the red stripe going down the sleeves that he’s been wearing very often lately. Without hesitating, unzips it and peels it off his arms, and passes it over to her. “No, it’s fi-“
“Take it. I’m not cold.”
So she does. And she sits up and pulls it on, slipping her arms through the sleeves. It smells like Joe, and she likes that smell. But she still feels guilty for taking it. Her fathers have sacrificed so much for her and given so much that taking any unnecessary small thing makes her feel bad. They’ve already moved across the country so she can be treated at what’s supposedly one of the best, if not the best, hospitals in the world. They’ve spent so much money and time and energy on her treatment, and while it’s necessary… she sees what it does to them –the exhaustion, the constant worry…
She doesn’t talk about it, though. None of them do. She watches the doctor slip out of the room without even saying anything. She lies back down on the bed and the nurse smiles as she dresses her back with gauze, then squeezes her shoulder gently. “Gotta keep still for a bit, now.” She looks at Joe and Nick. “If she complains of a stiff neck, a headache, or a fever, take her back. Or if there’s any bleeding.”
Joe and Nick both nod. They know. The nurse smiles and murmurs a “You did good, Harlow,” and leaves the room.
Harlow looks up at the painting on the ceiling. It’s of flowers, in a pot. Sunflowers. In a blue pot. Not really all that special, but it sure does brighten up the room a little. “When can we go home?”
“I don’t know, sweetie.”
She sighs. “I’m just going to go to sleep. Can you turn the light off? And the T.V.?”
Nick gets up and flips the switch, and Joe goes over to close the curtains and switch the television off. The room is dark now, except for the lights that are on the different machines connected to her body. Her fathers sit back down, and Harlow rolls over onto her side, being careful not to disturb the IV in her arm. In minutes, she’s asleep. They both just sit there for a moment, watching the rise and fall of her side as she breathes.
Nick leaves the room first, walking into the brightly lit hallway. He blinks and rubs his eyes at the sudden light and leans back against the wall, looking down at the tiled floor. It has a pattern of greens and grays and blues. Joe follows him, looking back at their sleeping daughter through the door. “Keep breathing,” he whispers. “Just keep breathing, keep breathing…” he shuts his eyes and turns away, pulling the door closed with the faintest little ‘bump’.
Nick rests a hand on his lover’s arm. “Come on, Joe, let’s go get something to eat.”
“Get what? I’m sick of hospital food.”
“Then let’s go out somewhere.”
“Without her?”
“She’s asleep, Joe.”
“I’m not leaving the building.”
“Well, then, what are we going to eat?”
Joe digs his fists into his eyes. “I don’t know. Don’t listen to me.”
“Joe.”
“What?”
“…Nothing. Let’s just go eat something, okay?”
Joe nods, and he sighs as they join hands and make their way over to the elevator. They go down a couple floors and to the cafeteria and shove the heavy doors open as they step inside. The smell of metal and sterilization overpowers the smell of food. There’s several tables and a serving line. It’s lunchtime. The two tired men shuffle over there, each grabbing a tray and some unappetizing looking food. Joe chooses some lumpy mashed potatoes and a little salad, and Nick chooses some chicken and rice.
They sit down at a table, and Joe looks around, observing everyone in the room. There’s a girl in a wheelchair sitting at the end of a table, but she’s not eating. Someone’s talking to her, but she has a far off look in her eye. An old woman hooked up to an I.V. sits at a table beside a young male nurse. He’s talking to her and she’s laughing as she fumbles with the silverware. A boy in a body cast. A young girl sitting alone. A little boy with a bald head, probably having lost it all from chemo.
He looks down at the food and pokes at the white lump. He takes a bite, but he doesn’t taste it. And Nick wonders, as he’s looking around, how many people are doing the same thing to him. Looking him over. Wondering what’s wrong with him – why he looks so tired and distraught. Or maybe they don’t care. Maybe, to them, he’s just another person and they have their own lives to worry about.
When they finish, they stand up and leave the cafeteria again. Holding hands, they walk back up to the cancer center. Harlow is still asleep, and she hasn’t stirred. They both silently lean against the doorway, watching her slumber. “Keep breathing,” Nick whispers. “Please, just keep breathing…”
________________________________________
“I’m scared,” Nick whispers as he lies curled up beside Joe on their bed in the darkened room. The lights are off and the drapes are drawn, and it’s just the two of them curled up next to each-other on the bed. Harlow is at her uncle’s house. They’ve just been lying here in silence for quite a while, as they do sometimes. The sun peeks in through the edges of the drapes, casting a little line of dim light over the two boys. But other than that, it’s dark.
They don’t usually talk about Harlow. While sometimes they have to, they avoid it as much as possible. At home, thy pretend as hard as possible that it doesn’t exist. It hangs over their heads like a dark cloud and no one wants to have to be reminded of it. Sometimes they can even forget about it, at least for a couple of hours, but a day never passes without the thought crossing someone’s mind. And Harlow’s hairless scalp is a constant reminder.
A steady rain begins to fall outside the window. Nick rolls over to face it, but the drapes of course are blocking his view, so he rolls back into Joe’s chest. The tapping of the rain on the shingled roof provides a comforting background noise – but almost any noise is better than the silence.
“I am too,” Joe says softly after several moment of silence, admitting it for the first time.
At least if they were a religious family, they could take comfort in the thought that Harlow would go to a better place after she dies. Heaven. That she be in a beautiful place with God and all their dead loved ones and she wouldn’t be sick and she’d never be hurt again. No pain. No worries. Just bliss. But neither of them have believed in God since childhood. And Joe finds himself incredibly jealous of people who are able to believe – people who at least have that comforting thought – more and more every day. People have said they would pray for her – but God would have been the ne giving her the leukemia in the first place. So why would He take it away if people prayed? Maybe as some sick demonstration of His power.
Then, if He’s real, fuck Him.
Even Harlow thinks, in a little girl way, why would God, if there is one, do this to her? Has she done something to deserve it? No, she’s only nine, she can’t have ‘sinned’ too severely yet.
A couple more long moments pass before he whispers “but there’s still hope.”
“Not much.”
“But there’s some, and that’s all we have. We need to hold onto that as tight as we can.”
Nick nods, scooting closer to Joe. He rests his head on his lover’s chest, ear between his abs, to listen to the beating of his heart. Just to make sure he’s actually there. He feels the rising and falling of Joe’s chest and he hears the thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump. It’s comforting, and he just keeps his head there for a while Listening, breathing, feeling. Listening to the thumping, the pattering of the rain outside, and feeling the movement of Joe’s chest and his lover’s hand running through his curls.
Harlow’s only nine and she was diagnosed with leukemia when she was six. It’s been an extremely rough three years, full of hospital visits and lumbar punctures and blood transfusions. All so much for a little girl to go through, but it is rare to see her without a smile on her face. Nick even suggested getting her a wig to cover her almost bald head , but she refused. It’s heartbreaking for Nick and Joe to see their daughter like this, but it’s also inspiring, and it’s taught them what to really be grateful for.
Nick moves his head off Joe’s chest to rest it beside Joe’s. They move closer and closer until their lips are touching, dancing silently with one another. It’s a needy kiss, but it’s still loving and passionate. Somewhere along the lines, loving and passionate turns into aggressive and lustful, with Nick climbing on top of Joe to get more out of it. When they separate, they stare into eachother’s eyes, breathing hard. Joe plays with the hem of Nick’s shirt, looking up at the boy, asking silent permission. Nick gives consent with a nod of his head and the shirt comes off, followed by Joe’s wifebeater.
No words are exchanged, but they both know what they want. They kiss again, this time even more needily, and Nick reaches down to unbutton Joe's jeans, his fingers fumbling over the button for a little bit until it pops open and he's able to slide them down, hooking his fingers in his lover's boxers so he can push them down at the same time. They roll over so Nick's on top now, and they kiss again as Joe pushes Nick's jeans halfway down and he kicks them the rest of the way off. "Lube?" Nick whispers, his breath hot and heavy against Joe's ear.
Joe reaches over and opens the sidetable, grabbing the little bottle. Lying underneath Nick he gently stretches the boy until he's ready, and then slicks himself up. The younger boy pushes himself up and lowers himself back down onto Joe's cock, resulting in a soft moan from both of them. It's fast and needy, but it's also as loving and passionate as always, and when it's over they separate just long enough for for Nick to push himself off of Joe and then lie back down beside him, breathing hard, both of their bodies sticky. Joe smiles as he pushes some sweaty curls out of the boy's face.
"Come on, cub, let's go shower."
"Giraffes!"
Harlow dashes over to the fence that's some way's up from where Joe and Nick are standing, her sandal-clad feet clapping against the brick path. Joe chuckles and hurries after her, lifting her a little bit so she can see better over the fence. She's a short kid. Her earlobes are even with Nick's crossed arms when they stand beside each other. The younger father follows them, wrapping his fingers around one of the black metal poles in the fence. It warms his heart to see Harlow smiling happily like the little girl she is, like she should be. Her current favorite animal is the giraffe. She changes it as often as she changes her favorite color - which is very often - but she's gone back to giraffe several times, and her bedroom at home has a huge, full-color poster of a cartoon giraffe above her bed.
It’s a beautiful day to be at the zoo. The sky is blue and the sun is shining big and bright, and the air is warm with a little breeze, and all the animals are outside to enjoy the beautiful day. They come here sometimes right after a rain or when it’s cold, and while the crowds are smaller then, there aren’t not too many animals roaming about.
Harlow grips the fence and watches the huge animal walk slowly over to a tree and start to pull leaves off of it with it's long tongue, chewing. It looks bored, but Harlow’s fascinated with it even though she’s seen it dozens of times. "Harlow, did you know that giraffes have no vocal chords?" Joe smiles. "That's why they don't make any noise."
"Wow. So they can't say anything at all?"
"Nope!"
"How do they talk to each-other?"
"With their bodies, I guess. Gestures, foot-stomping... but they tend to live alone, not really in families or packs, so there's not much need."
"Oooh," the little girl smiles, fascinated, as she watches the animal with the huge neck eat. But she soon gets bored and wiggles down, running over to one of the large maps to find out where they should go next. But it's not like they need it - they know the way around the zoo like a senior knows his way around his high school. They come here whenever the weather's nice and their schedules allow, simply because Harlow loves it here so much and it’s the least they can do. They've come here in ten degree weather and in hundred degree weather, and both men have willingly rearranged their schedules several times to squeeze in a trip to Harlow's favorite place. It's amazing how happy it makes her. She'll say, "I want to go to the zoo and see a (insert current favorite animal)!" and off they will go on the next available day and she'll speed right off to that certain exhibit and stare at it until she's satisfied, and then wander around the rest of the area.
When she's here, she can forget about her cancer and all the worries and stress - she can just be a little girl. A normal, healthy, careless and happy little nine year old girl, like she should be. She seems oblivious to the looks they get sometimes - two obviously gay males with a practically bald daughter.
She grabs the fabric of the shirt on Nick’s elbow and tugs. "Tigers! I wanna see the tigers. They're my favorite," she grins, showing that one of her front teeth is missing, and another one on the bottom is just beginning to grow back.
So she stands between Joe and Nick and takes one of each of their hands, and they walk off towards the tiger exhibit. "I thought giraffes were your favorite?" Nick laughs. "What, it's tigers this week?"
She nods, giggling, looking over at the animals they pass, lingering for a few moments on some of them, but not taking much time. And when the tiger exhibit is in her sight, with the huge pit in the ground filled with huge rocks and trees and a little faux river, she races over there. She presses herself against the glass wall, her chin just barely clearing the top of it. Nick looks over towards the panda exhibit, which is right across the way.
"They sent the baby panda back to China, you know."
Joe lifts Harlow up at her request and looks at Nick. "Really? How come?"
He shrugs. "Breeding, I guess. You know he's, like, four years old?"
"No way!"
Nick nods.
"No, no! That was not four years ago."
"Yes," Nick laughs, somewhat amused. "It was."
"Wow."
"Daddy, Papa, look!"
Harlow points to the group of dense trees, and behind it is a moving orange shape. The tiger appears when he saunters out of the trees and slides down into the water, swimming gracefully through it, creating huge ripples with his enourmous body. "Papa, do you know anything about tigers?"
Joe looks up animal trivia, to give Harlow when they come to the zoo. She always asks, and he loves seeing her eyebrows raise and her eyes widen slightly in amazed interest when he finds a particularly good one, and she's such an animal lover. He smiles, and tries to think of something. It's hard to keep finding more and more new ones, but he loves to do it. He racks his brain. "Well... did you know, that tigers are born without their stripes?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. All orange."
"Oooh!!" She grins. "That's pretty cool."
She hops down from Joe's arms and moves to the other side of the exhibit to get a better view. The tiger swims in circles, and she thinks that it must feel really good, with the early spring air being so hot, and with all that fur! I'm kinda glad right now that I don't have much hair, she thinks optimistically, as the temperature is nearing the seventies - which, after such a brutal winter, is especially high. And with all the water in the air from the snow that’s melted, it’s humid. There are no traces of the monumental snow that fell just weeks before. "Isn't she adorable?" Nick smiles, staying where he is, but keeping an eye on her. Joe nods softly in agreement, smiling.
"Yeah. Our baby."
Nick sighs as he leans against the glass wall, folding his arms on the edge. He looks down at the tiger, but he isn’t really paying attention to it. His eyes get that far-off, glazed distant look that they do when he's thinking about something. Something not necessarily happy. Joe pats his back gently. "What is it, cubby?"
"You know what it is."
Joe runs a hand through his dark locks. "Come on, Nick, let's not think about that now. She's happy, and we should be happy too.
Nick nods, pushing himself off the railing. He puts on a smile and goes over to his daughter quietly, smirking softly. He plans each step carefully, controlling his breaths so he doesn't make a sound. Her back is to him, and he tiptoes over to her, and then quickly grabs her shoulders and lets out a "Roooaa-wwwrr! Tiger got youuu!"
Harlow screams, startled, then turns around to face her father and laughs. "Daddy!"
Nick's hands move back to his side and he smiles innocently before picking the girl up. She's a tiny girl and just a little too big still be carried, but he does anyway. She's light. Though in a couple of months, it won't be possible. "Yeah, sweetie?"
Harlow wiggles down, giggling. "Let's go see the pandas!"
________________________________________
They're sitting in the waiting room of the hospital once again, with Joe and Nick sitting next to eachother on chairs and Harlow sitting on the floor and the carpet in front of her is littered with puzzle pieces. She's wearing glasses, as Joe's whole family has bad eyesight and she must have gotten that trait from him. Though she only needs them for reading, or in this case, doing a puzzle. The little girl looks like a perfect mix of the two of them. She has Nick's nose and Joe's lips, and her hair was a beautiful wavy brown before she lost it, a nice reddish-chestnut color. She has the eyes of her older father and the eyebrows of the younger. She's a truly beautiful little girl, even with barely any hair. She's been in remission lately, but the three of them are constantly fearing a relapse.
She glances up when the waiting room door opens and a young woman walks in. At first she doesn't see who's walking behind her - another little girl, who looks a little younger than her. She has no hair at all, and she's wearing purple glasses and a little green cap on her head, along with a tiny denim jacket. Her mother goes over to the front desk, and the girl gives Harlow a nervous smile as she stands in the doorway, looking around like a deer in the headlights. She looks like it’s her first time here, but with her lack of hair, it can’t be.
"Hi," Harlow grins, dropping the pieces she's holding, standing up to smile at the little girl, hoping to make a friend. She's never met a girl her age (roughly) here, or one that looked friendly. "I'm Harlow."
"I'm Maddy," says the girl, who's much shorter than Harlow. She has fat red cheeks and she can't be older than seven. She looks up and smiles, showing that her two front teeth are missing, and when she talks it gives her a slight lisp.
"How old are you?" Harlow asks, sitting down and gesturing for the little girl to join her. Maddy does. She says proudly, "I'm six and a half!"
Wow, both Joe and Nick think, remembering when their daughter was that age.
The age difference doesn't matter to Harlow. She hasn't had a friend in ages, since she hasn't been going to school, and to have one seems like it would be incredible. "Ooh! Cool! I'm nine. Wanna help me finish this puzzle?"
The pudgy, smaller child nods, and they sit crosslegged on the floor together, arranging the pieces, giggling and playing together like little girls should. Like they're normal. The girl's mother sits beside Joe and Nick and smiles softly. "Is she yours?" she asks, looking at Nick. Both boys say 'yes' and the woman's eyebrows raise. "Oh! Oh, you're both her parents?"
Joe nods, ready to get defensive if she has to, but the woman just smiles. "She's beautiful."
"Thank you. Your daughter is as well... Maddy?"
"Yes, yes." She glances towards the pair of children and then back at Joe and Nick. "I'm Laura."
"Joe."
"Nick."
Laura smiles and glances over at the two again. "Maddy and I have been coming here since she was two... it's a shame, she doesn't know any life besides the hospital. She doesn't have any friends, either... so I'm pretty happy right now."
Joe frowns and something inside his heart aches. He'd thought Harlow was young... to think of a child so small and innocent going through that... well, he can't imagine it. "I'm so sorry," he whispers. "Harlow's had acute leukemia since she was six years old. We used to live in California, but we moved here because they have one of the best cancer centers in the country, if not the world. It's been... rough."
They talk in hushed voices so the children won't hear, but they're not paying attention anyway. Maddy, or Madeline, ("Made-lynn, not Made-line") is in a battle against skin cancer. She barely knows what's going on and why she has to spend half of her life in the hospital, swallowing pills and getting chemotherapy, or why she's lost all her hair, and that's what Joe and Nick find the most sad. At least Harlow was older, and they could explain to her what was happening... at least she could understand.
Their conversation ends when Maddy is called back, but the parents exchange phone numbers first. Harlow goes over and climbs into Joe's lap. "Papa, Daddy, can she come over some time? She's my new best friend."
"Of course!" Joe says at the same time Nick cries "Yes!", and Harlow smiles happily, resting her head on Joe's shoulder.
When they go back to the room, Joe's sitting with Harlow in his lap and Nick's sitting beside him, and they all look up as the door opens. A nurse who isn't their usual one walks in. She's wearing brightly colored hospital garb and a too-big smile. They must tell all their nurses to smile like this, and choose ones that are the epitome of health, to give their patients something to strive for. But it's just irritating.
"Hello, Mister and... Mister Jonas." She pushes some glasses down from her eyes a bit, as if she's not seeing things right. Joe grits his teeth.
"Hello."
She forces an exaggerated smile. "And hello, Harlow. How do you feel?"
"I feel fine."
"How have you been feeling lately? Any soreness?"
"A little."
The nurse nods, and asks her and Joe and Nick the basic questions. She helps Harlow remove her shirt so she can have access to the catheter in the little girl's vein. Joe talks to her as the nurse draws the blood, but the nurse acts as if she doesn't want anything to do with them. They're all used to that. The nurse looks over different parts of her body to check for bruising and asks a few more questions, then gives that exaggerated smile again, and leaves. When she's gone, Harlow rolls her eyes.
"Bitch."
They both gasp "Harlow!"
"What? She is."
"Don't use that word," Nick says in a low parental tone, and the girl looks away, crossing her arms. "Why can't people accept you guys? There's nothing wrong with you."
"To most of the rest of the world, there is."
"But you're perfectly good people! You love me and you love eachother, no doubt about that--"
"It's just that we're both... boys," Joe sighs. "I'll never understand it either."
Harlow rests her head on Joe's shoulder. She doesn't want to be here today, in this room that makes her claustrophobic and doing all the tests she's been through thousands of times. After all this time she should be used to it, but you never get used to having a potentially fatal disease.
Well, she's supposedly recovering well from it, but relapses do happen. It's like being stalked by someone with a gun. At any moment he could decide to kill you.
It's terrifying.
________________________________________
Maddy's over at their house a couple afternoons later. Joe and Nick can't get over how wonderful it is to see Harlow having a friend, acting like a normal girl. Maddy's smaller and lighter, so it's easy for Harlow to pick her up and spin her around to make her giggle and scream. They sit on the couch curled up in a blanket and watch the Disney channel together, play with a some dolls (Harlow's grown out of them, but Maddy still loves them), and make a mural together on a roll of paper. The weather's nice, so they walk to the park across the street, with Joe and Nick watching from the front lawn as Harlow pushes Maddy on the swing.
"Maddy's adorable."
"Yeah, she is."
"It's so nice to see her have a friend, isn't it?"
Joe smiled and nodded, but then he frowned. "I can't imagine... she was only two when she was diagnosed."
Nick let out a heavy sigh, taking a bite of the sandwich in his hand. "Yes, but let's not focus on that. She's a strong, beautiful little girl and she's going to get through it. Both Harlow and Maddy."
"If you say so."
Joe rests a hand on Nick's. "I do say so, cub."
"Why do you even call me that? I don't remember."
Joe laughs and shrugs, running his hand through the mess of brown curls on top of his lover’s head. "Because, back when your hair was really long you looked like a lion. I’d tease you about it. But 'lion' isn't really a cute nickname, so I call you 'cub'. You know, like a baby-"
"I know what a cub is," Nick laughs. He looks up to see Maddy clinging to Harlow, on her back, with the older girl gent over slightly and racing around the park, giving her a piggy back ride. He laughs happily, shaking his head.
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