"Through the Eyes of Those Left Behind" Ch 2, pt 2
Title: Through the Eyes of Those Left Behind
Author: Taylor Dancinghands -taylor@willendorphians.com
Characters: McKay/Beckett/Zelenka
Category: slash, established relationship, h/c
Rating: 'NC-17' for explicit homoerotic depictions
Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where
Summary: The structural integrity of Rodney, Carson and Radek's threesome is tested mightily by the events surrounding "Misbegotten".
Spoilers/Season: End of Season 1, beginning of Season 2. This story is all about "Misbegotten" and much of what immediately precedes it ("Allies", "No Man's Land"). Some dialogue taken directly from the opening scene of "Misbegotten". Also, I'm calling it a sequel to "Coalescence", though I don't know that you'd need to read it to appreciate this.
Author's notes: One of the things I love about this show is how often you see that the characters realizing that they're in it waaay over their heads quite a bit. Carson Beckett does this especially well, and he's never looked so 'in-it-over-his-head' as he did sitting in the drone control chair at the beginning of "Misbegotten". This is the story that sprang from that moment.
Betas: Thanx to
ankhmutes for her usual excellent advice!
In addition, when I suddenly realized that a big chunk of Radek backstory would be revealed in the last half of this story I thought it wise to consult withdinofly as a local history and politics expert (well, more expert than me, anyway) and this story is tons better for her advice.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?
Through the Eyes of Those Left Behind
by Taylor Dancinghands
Radek Zelenka, pt 2
It was a little after dawn that the Daedalus was finally close enough for Rodney to contact Radek on a private channel. Radek had left his earpiece on the side table with his glasses, but was sufficiently sleepless that he heard Rodney's voice on it as he lay in the bed, and snatched it up instantly.
"Radek?" Rodney's voice was wonderful to hear. "I hope I didn't wake you up?"
"I wish you had," answered Radek truthfully, "but it is very good to hear from you nonetheless."
"Ah, right." It did not sound as if Rodney had gotten any sleep lately either. "Listen, I wanted to let you know that we'll be making orbit in about an hour or so," he went on, "and to make sure you'll be there to meet Carson when he beams down."
"Rodney, what happened?"
Rodney's sigh was too audible through the earpiece. "A bunch of the Wraith regained their memories and hid it. As soon as we left they killed all the marines and then they… they captured and interrogated Carson."
"Ah, Bože!" Radek drew his knees up and bowed his head down to rest upon them. "What… what did they do?"
There was a pause before Rodney answered, and when he did his voice was not quite steady. "I don't… I don't know. He hasn't been talking… not to anybody. And Radek, I think… I think he hates me…"
"What!?" Radek cried. "Why?"
"I can't... go into that now," Rodney evaded unhappily. "Listen, I have to go. They need me to stay and work on some stuff on the Daedalus, so I won't be coming back right away. Just be there for Carson when he comes in. Don't let him be alone, okay?"
"No, I will not," Radek promised. "And Rodney? Come home as soon as you can." Your home as well as ours, Radek thought to his lover as Rodney signed off. He wished he knew what had happened to lead Rodney to think that Carson hated him, though he was sure that could not truly be the case. With a troubled sigh, Radek rose from bed and prepared to face the new day.
As the natural perversity of the universe would have it, Radek had no sooner made it to the mess hall to confront the idea of breakfast, than he got an urgent call from the Botany Department. Atlantis' extensive hydroponics system, which Radek was in charge of renovating and getting functional again, had sprung a catastrophic leak, and it ended up taking him the better part of an hour and a half to get the thing under control. He'd tried to track Carson's whereabouts via his radio as he worked, and from this he learned that Dr. Beckett had beamed directly down to the infirmary, spent some time there getting checked over, and had then gone to his office.
By the time Radek had extricated himself from the leaking hydroponic systems, however, Carson was no longer in his office and no one had seen him for half an hour or more. Frustrated and half frantic, Radek headed for his last verified whereabouts first, finding Carson's office dark, and the door open. There was something decidedly out of place there, though, Radek could not fail to notice. The wall behind Carson's desk was empty of the handful of framed licenses, certificates and diplomas that Carson had placed there, after he had finally gotten them from earth. Now, their empty frames were stacked carelessly on Carson's desk and Radek felt his heart in his throat. This was very bad.
Radek left the infirmary and headed in the general direction of their quarters, no idea of how or where to look for Carson. The man hadn't answered any of Radek's calls on his radio since he'd gotten back, and the infirmary staff had told him that he wasn't wearing one. It was an anxious hunch that inspired Radek to check out the first side corridor he passed that lead to a balcony, and it was there that he spotted Carson, one hand clutching, white knuckled, at the railing, the other grasping a sheaf of papers. With a sinking feeling, Radek figured he knew just what those papers were.
"Carson?" he asked hesitently, not certain the man even knew he was there.
He did not answer at first, or even look his way, but Radek saw his shoulders slump as he drew near. After another moment or so Carson spoke, though he still did not turn to look at Radek.
"I'm a regular Dr. Mengele, I am," was what he said.
"Ne, Carson," he cried softly, the words escaping him before he could even think. It was so very, very wrong to hear Carson speak these words. It made Radek's heart hurt. "You must not say such things! I know it cannot be true!" he plead.
"I left them behind to die," Carson said after another moment. "I left all of them behind to be bombed by us or… fed on by the ones as had turned back. I got away safe and I left my patients… They were completely helpless and I was the one that made 'em so!"
Radek moved a step closer, able at last to reach out and place his hand on Carson's shoulder. "Did you have a choice, miláčku?" he asked, certain of the answer already, but wanting to remind his lover of it.
At last Carson turned to look at him, an agony of self doubt and guilt written large over his features. Radek met his gaze with every ounce of the fierce devotion he felt showing in his face and after a moment Carson turned away from the rail and folded Radek in his arms. Radek held his lover close, felt how he was shaking and felt his own heart ache for Carson's sake. "Come home with me now, milacku," he murmured when Carson's shaking had abated somewhat. "Please."
Carson nodded silently, and complied, the sheaf of certificates still clutched in his right hand. It was not far to their quarters and fortunately the halls were not so busy at the moment. They made it home without incident and Radek sat Carson on the sofa, stepping into the kitchen to start some water heating.
"Can I make you a cup of tea?" Radek asked, more as a formality than anything, but he saw Carson shake his head, staring at his hands where they hung between his knees. Turning the kettle off, Radek returned to sit beside Carson, feeling more helpless than he could remember. Never had he known his lover to refuse a cup of tea.
"Carson?" he asked again softly and not too steadily, carefully removing the precious certificates from Carson's hand to lay them on the table before them and smoothing them flat again. When he was done he took up one of Carson's hands to hold between his own, clasping it gently, as though it were a precious thing.
"I feel as though… as though I've lost my way," Carson said miserably at last. "Somehow I… it seems as though I've gone from being a doctor and a geneticist to being a… a weapons designer, and I don't quite know how it happened… "
Radek shook his head slowly. "You would think it would be easier to tell the difference between being a doctor and a weapons designer," he said, "than between an engineer and a weapons designer, would you not?"
"Aye, I suppose," said Carson.
"As we worked together on deploying your retrovirus," Radek said, "you did not come to ask yourself how it was that I knew so much about weaponizing biological agents?" Radek spoke softly, not meeting Carson's eyes.
"I didn't…" Carson began, looking back at him curiously. "I didn't give it much thought, I suppose. The both of you know so much about so many things. I never thought to wonder…"
"I have not always had free choice," Radek said quietly, still not meeting Carson's gaze, still feeling shame and bitterness after all these years, "of what institutions or projects I was assigned to. I thought I was through with all that long before I came here, and yet…" Radek shrugged his shoulders, wishing it was as easy to shrug off old guilts.
He felt Carson's hand move in his, clasping his fingers firmly, communicating the support and forgiveness that Radek would not meet his eyes to see. Radek bowed his head in gratitude and the two of them sat in silence for while.
"I'd never want either one of you to believe that I thought the less of you for it," Carson began again at last, "but they don't make engineers or physicists swear an oath not to harm people. The principles I've promised to uphold as a physician… they mean a great deal to me, and it feels to me like I've… I've failed them, monstrously."
Radek listened in silence, gently stroking Carson's hand as he did. He could not tell Carson if what he had done had or had not broken a vow he had taken, but he could maybe convince his lover that he was not alone.
"It is true that no one makes engineers take a vow to protect human life," he said after a while, "but I have learned that in Canada, and some other countries, an engineer may elect to do so. Rodney has."
"He has?" The idea seemed to be as much of a surprise to Carson as it had been to Radek when Rodney had first told him about it.
"Have you not noticed the ring which he wears here?" Radek held up his right hand to indicate the little finger of it.
"I had," Carson answered, "but I never thought to ask him about it…"
"After we had first met in Siberia," Radek answered, "I did. He is very proud of it, though I think he is shy to speak of it."
"Why?" asked Carson.
"It seems, I think, a little… sentimental for him to admit to openly," said Radek with a fond smile, "but it means a great deal to him. The ring is of steel, and it means that he has taken part in a ceremony called The Ritual of the Calling of an Engineer. The initiates are Canadian engineers who have sworn to uphold the highest standards of their profession, and to work only to the betterment of mankind."
Glancing over at Carson, Radek saw the man slowly shaking his head in astonishment. "I'd have never guessed," he said affectionately, "but it is very like him, bless the man. He's a secret altruist."
Rodney was not the only one, Radek thought to himself. When Rodney had first explained the ring and the ritual to Radek, and seen the wistful envy in Radek's eyes, he'd told the Czech engineer, whose work he was already coming to admire, that as a member in good standing, he was entitled to recommend foreign engineers for the initiation. He'd promised Radek then that at his first opportunity he would recommend him. Though the opportunity had not yet arisen, Radek had no doubts that Rodney would keep his promise if he could. It was just after the siege of Atlantis around a year ago that Rodney had reconfirmed this promise.
"He wanted to take it off," said Radek, "his ring, that is, while we were completing Genii nuclear bombs. He told me that he had promised himself that he would never work on such devices again, but I convinced him to leave it on."
"How?" asked Carson, and Radek could see that his story had some resonance for him.
"What we did that day," answered Radek, "we did to save Atlantis, and also to save Earth. That was what I told him, because it was true. We have all of us only done what we have had to -what was needed for us to survive and to defend the Earth."
He looked up at Carson to gauge the man's reaction, and while his look was unhappy, he did not seem to be refuting Radek's assessment.
"If we had not built nuclear weapons," Radek continued, "Atlantis would have been destroyed by Wraith, and if you and I, Carson, had not developed retrovirus weapon then Rodney and I would have died on the Daedalus."
"I know," said Carson, torn, "and I'll not regret that, no matter what the cost. As long as you promise to be there to help me find myself again."
For an answer, Radek reached his arm around his love and pulled him close. Carson let himself be pulled, releasing a long sigh as he leaned into Radek. There was an easing in Radek's heart as Carson relaxed at his side, but there were more troubling issues he needed to raise with Carson before he relaxed altogether.
"When Rodney called me this morning," he said after some companionable silence, "he said that he was… concerned… that you were angry with him for some reason…? He would not say why…"
Carson gave another long sigh, this one not so relaxed. "Ah dear lord," he said, lowering his head into his hand, "I knew I should have said something to the poor lad, but I was too busy feelin' sorry for myself."
Radek clasped Carson's shoulder firmly, offering absolution with the gesture. Though he still did not know the particulars, this sounded like the sort of misunderstanding that Radek had suspected, and knew it would sort itself out soon enough. "He also told me that you were held captive and interrogated by the Wraith, but that you would tell no one what was done to you?"
Carson clutched his hands together anxiously as he answered. "It wasn't so much really. They didn't truly do me any harm. They just… they took things out of my head is all, and there wasn't a bloody thing I could do about it…"
Carson's words made Radek's heart ache again, and he pulled his lover close once more. "I do not know if that is such a small thing, milacku," he murmured sorrowfully.
Carson did not answer, only letting Radek hold him in silence for another little while. It was in that quiet that they both heard the door to their quarters open, and both looked up to see Rodney cautiously enter.
His wary expression became painfully anguished the moment his eyes fell on Carson and Radek, and then an instant later he was turning to flee out the still open the door. Carson was faster though, and was up and off the sofa, catching at Rodney's arm before he could make his escape.
"Wait Rodney!" he cried. "You mustn't go, please!"
Rodney's expression was desperately unhappy as he saw the door close behind him, but he let Carson lead him into the room, having apparently given up on the urge to flee, though there was still no hope in his eyes at all.
"I don't blame you for hating me," Rodney said, before anyone could say anything else. "You begged me not to fire on the settlement, and I knew... I knew it was wrong... But I had to... I had to... I'm so sorry."
"Rodney luv, no," Carson cried, drawing in the man into a close embrace, though Rodney resisted a bit at first. "I could never… oh love, I could never hate you. Never!"
Rodney gave a little sob as he fell into Carson's arms at last, wrapping his own around his lover.
"I know you had to do what you did," Carson soothed, "and I knew it then too. All I did was make it harder for you, and for that I'm the one who's sorry."
Rodney had his face buried in Carson's shoulder and when he spoke it was barely audible. "I thought... I was afraid we'd lost you," Radek was just able to make out. "Then we got you back and I thought…" Rodney's voice went unsteady for a moment. "I thought I'd lost you anyhow."
"Hush now," said Carson, stroking his hand gently over Rodney's hair as he held him. "Hush now luv. You've not lost me. Not like that; never like that."
"That… that's good to know," Rodney said quietly, lifting his head at last. "But what I don't understand is why I'm the one who's falling apart when you're the one who was tortured by the Wraith."
"Now, I don't know if I'd go so far as to call it torture…" Carson began, but Rodney was having none of it.
"So what would you call having the Wraith sift through the contents of your brain at will?" he cried, still overwrought, but now on Carson's behalf. "A minor inconvenience?"
Now Radek rose, crossing to where his two lovers stood, to bring them both back to the sofa to sit, hoping to calm Rodney down. "Rodney," he asked, as one possible factor occurred to him, "do you need to eat something?"
"Oh, probably," he said, collapsing onto the sofa, then, "what's all this?" as he noticed the scattering of Carson's medical certificates on the coffee table. Radek had stepped into the kitchen and now returned to hand Rodney a power bar, and waited for Carson to answer for himself. He soon saw that the doctor would need some prodding.
"Carson had them with him when I found him out on the balcony earlier, Radek said, meeting Carson's guilty look steadfastly.
"Carson, you weren't going to…?" Rodney asked around a mouth full of power bar.
"Aye," Carson admitted softly, meeting no one's gaze. "I… I might have done… if you hadn't come along when you did, luv." Carson reached across to where Radek was sitting beside him and took his hand, but still did not meet his eyes.
"Why?" Rodney was incredulous. "For god's sake Carson, you did everything in your power to help those poor bastards, even after half of them turned on you."
"I know luv, I know," Carson said, taking Rodney's hand as well. "I know we've all only done what we had to, but I just can't make it sit right in my mind. When I go over everything that's happened, I can't think of a thing I'd do differently, but I can't shake the sense that… that I've somehow done something terribly wrong."
No one had an answer for this, and so the three of them sat in silence for a while, each lost in his own unhappy thoughts. Radek found his thoughts returning to his own guilty secrets -secrets which, until today, had lain quiet within him, but no longer. It had been a lifetime ago, in truth, but Carson's bewildered guilt brought it all back with astonishing clarity. Radek found himself speaking before he knew he meant to.
"The feeling does not really ever go away," he said, "but you will think about it less after a time. Eventually it will become clear that you did do the right thing, but it will never feel right."
"Radek," asked Rodney, "what the hell are you talking about?" Both he and Carson were looking at him curiously, and Radek knew that he'd never get out of admitting the whole truth now. It was not really anything he wanted to revisit, but the look in Carson's eyes, hungry for any kind of hope for resolution, compelled him.
"It is, you know," he began after a thoughtful pause, "much easier to have principles when you live in a free country." This was something that Radek had been refraining from saying for some time now, for fear of hurting his lover's feelings, but they would never understand his story if they did not understand this. He looked up to see their reactions and found Rodney frowning guiltily, but Carson was nodding in understanding.
"Aye, I imagine so," he said.
"Earlier today," Radek began hesitantly, "I told Carson that I have not always had a choice about what projects I worked on, but this is not complete truth. I had a choice once, and the choice I made then set me on a path that I knew would take me to places... lead me to doing things that I would never be proud of. I knew this when I made my choice because I knew... no, I hoped that at the end of that path I would find the kind of work I desired." Radek fell silent then, staring down at his hands. Sworn to secrecy by old masters long ago, Radek had never spoken of these things before, and now found it harder to give up those secrets that he had expected.
"Will you come now and sit between us, Radek luv?" Carson asked kindly, scooting over to make room. Radek drew a long breath as he settled between his lovers on the sofa, trying to think of how to explain the everyday realities of life on the wrong side of the Iron Curtain, to these two fortunate men of the free world. Still, he considered, the things he had in common with his two lovers must far outweigh the differences in their upbringing. He would begin with that, and trust that they would never condemn him for what he'd done.
"Today I am sure I do not seem to be an ambitious man, but when one is young, and just discovering for the first time how very much smarter one is than one's peers, who would not succumb to ambition?"
There was an understanding smile in Rodney's eyes as he nodded, and in Carson's voice as he replied, "Aye, I remember that time myself."
"In Czechoslovakia, under communist regime, there was only one path for anyone with any ambition -save for leaving the country and condemning all one's family to fall under government disfavor. It could be a dangerous path, but all ambition is dangerous, one way or another, and all young men think that they will master such dangers easily. I was no different. I joined the Komunistickou stranu -that was the communist party of the former Czechoslovakia- before I was at university even, because I knew it would be necessary for my future." Radek shook his head slowly to think how this must seem now. "I thought nothing of it at the time. It was simply what one did."
Comfortingly, Radek could feel Carson's arm around his shoulders, keeping him close and Rodney had taken his hand to hold it in support. Drawing a long breath, Radek found the strength in his lovers' silent encouragement to go on.
"In some ways, my life then was almost as perilous as my life here today," he continued with a wry half smile. "It could be a matter of life or death to be noticed by some persons, and not to be noticed by others. In some assignments I must show my intelligence , and in some I must seem like an ordinary dullard. If my duplicity was ever discovered by the wrong person, or if someone merely took a dislike to me, I could be disappeared -sent to work as little more than a prisoner in Sibír, or worse, and no one would ever know if I was alive or dead."
Reflecting on those times now, Radek marveled at how little he had worried about his fate then, and how ordinary it had all seemed. Carson and Rodney, though, seemed troubled to hear this and Radek felt himself held even more tightly between his lovers.
"When certain postings or positions were suggested to me by certain people, I knew I must take them," he carried on, "and this was how I came to leave home and work in Soviet Union. It was after I had been there for some time that I began to hear rumors, stories about something Russians called 'speculative technologies facility', near Tunguska, and I soon knew that this was where I wanted to be, but that certain price must be paid to get there."
Radek paused, shocked by how hard it was to finally speak of this. He closed his eyes and thought of his lovers, of the forgiveness their very presence promised, then drew a breath and confessed the truth, for the first time in his life. "I have worked on some very bad things," he said at last.
As if to reinforce that promise in the wake of his confession, Rodney took Radek's hand in both of his and lifted it to his lips. The surprising eloquence of the gesture had Radek close to tears for a moment, but he swallowed hard and continued, as steadily as he could manage.
"I... my work contributed significantly to the effectiveness of the Soviet arsenal of chemical and biological weapons during the years that I was assigned to that facility. I had to be good, had to get results, but not too many... It was what I had to do to attract the attention of the people who could get me position in Tunguska facility, and not to attract the attention of people to whom I would seem dangerous or threatening."
People and places that Radek had not thought of in years filled Radek's memory now, with startling clarity and Radek saw, as he had not then, the profound wretchedness of the life he had escaped. "The men and women I worked with there, the medical personnel -I will not call them doctors... You could never be like them, Carson," he said, adamantly. "They were dead inside. They... they had no souls any more. And I... I had to fit in."
"Ah, luv..." said Carson, his voice full of sorrow, kissing Radek tenderly on the face.
"I can never be proud of what I did there, but I am proud that I survived, and did finally arrange to be sent to Tunguska. There were several... reorganizations at the facility after the end of communist era, but by then I had managed to make myself indispensable, and so was still there when you came, Rodney, after your falling out with SGC."
"Okay," said Rodney after a moment of respectful silence, "do I even need to say what a good thing it is that you ended up in Siberia, Radek?"
Radek smiled to himself and took up Rodney's right hand to touch the faceted steel ring on the little finger there. "I do not know if the things that I have done would make me ineligible for this," he said a little sadly, "but I will not lie about it. I have done what I have done, and I am not proud of all of it, but I cannot think of any other way for me to have come to where I needed to be and survived."
"Honestly, I have no idea if they'll ask you about that," Rodney answered him, "but they shouldn't, and if I have anything to say about it, they won't. I mean," Rodney continued, "I freely admit that I've had it better -way better- than a lot of people, and nobody who doesn't know the kind of life you've known has any business passing judgment. I can't possibly judge you for any of the things you did that brought you here to us, Radek, but I hope you never regret them."
"No, I do not think I will," said Radek contentedly. "I do not think that there is anything that could change that now."
In the silence that followed, Radek could feel Carson shift uneasily against him. He had to know that they were both waiting to hear what he had to say, and after a while he cleared his throat, and reached out with one hand to smooth the wrinkled corner of his Medical License.
"When they told me that there'd be hardships in coming here," he said at last, "I thought of hunger and hard work, and of dangerous conditions, but I didn't think about things like this. I didn't think about the hard choices that come with living in a place like Atlantis." Carson turned the paper so that it was right-side-up from his perspective, running his fingers over the seal at the lower corner.
"It's quite stupid really, because medicine's full of hard decisions, as it is. I was trained in how to make hard decisions, and when I look back at the things that I've done over the last few months, I see that I've done just as I was trained, and I think I made the right decisions."
Radek, and Rodney beside him, both nodded adamantly and seriously, and Carson smiled in return.
"But, what nobody tells you," Carson continued, sorrow coloring his voice, "is how making the right decision in a situation like this can still haunt you worse than all the wrong things you've ever done in your life."
"Ano, that is true," said Radek, "but I think, in the end, that it is a good thing that you should feel haunted by such a decision."
"And why is that?" Carson asked, puzzled.
"Because if ever you do not feel troubled by such things, miláčku," Radek answered him, "then you will have lost your way, for certain."
Carson sat back in the sofa, his bemused gaze still on the license sitting on the table. "So you're sayin' that the day I don't feel like chucking my medical degree into the sea is the day that I should?" he asked.
"Lets not 'chuck' anything into the sea at all, shall we?" Rodney interjected. "Can we at least try not to irritate the local sea monsters?"
Radek had lost track of the full magnitude of the weight that lay on his heart until he saw Carson finally smile then, his dimples emerging for what seemed the first time in weeks, and he felt the weight lift, and a smile form on his own lips.
"There," he said, smiling more broadly still for Carson to see, and lifting his hand to touch one of the beloved dimples with a fingertip. "That is what I have been waiting to see."
"Ah, luv," Carson sighed, happily pulling Radek into and all-encompassing hug. "I can endure it all, every heartache, as long as I've the two of you to come home to," he said. Next, Radek felt his face framed between Carson's powerful but gentle hands and then he was being kissed with the profoundest affection. Radek drank in the kiss, letting his own fingers play over Carson's face.
Radek turned back towards Rodney when the kiss finally ended, and found him wearing one of those wistful half smiles that came to Rodney on those rare moments when it seemed that the weight of the world mightn't rest on his shoulders forever.
"Rodney," Radek said, welcoming his other lover home, as he had not yet, with his voice, his eyes and his arms. "Thank you, miláčku, for bringing him back, and for bringing yourself back as well."
***
Now comes the sex, again...
Author: Taylor Dancinghands -taylor@willendorphians.com
Characters: McKay/Beckett/Zelenka
Category: slash, established relationship, h/c
Rating: 'NC-17' for explicit homoerotic depictions
Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where
Summary: The structural integrity of Rodney, Carson and Radek's threesome is tested mightily by the events surrounding "Misbegotten".
Spoilers/Season: End of Season 1, beginning of Season 2. This story is all about "Misbegotten" and much of what immediately precedes it ("Allies", "No Man's Land"). Some dialogue taken directly from the opening scene of "Misbegotten". Also, I'm calling it a sequel to "Coalescence", though I don't know that you'd need to read it to appreciate this.
Author's notes: One of the things I love about this show is how often you see that the characters realizing that they're in it waaay over their heads quite a bit. Carson Beckett does this especially well, and he's never looked so 'in-it-over-his-head' as he did sitting in the drone control chair at the beginning of "Misbegotten". This is the story that sprang from that moment.
Betas: Thanx to
ankhmutes for her usual excellent advice!In addition, when I suddenly realized that a big chunk of Radek backstory would be revealed in the last half of this story I thought it wise to consult with
dinofly as a local history and politics expert (well, more expert than me, anyway) and this story is tons better for her advice.Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?
Through the Eyes of Those Left Behind
by Taylor Dancinghands
Radek Zelenka, pt 2
It was a little after dawn that the Daedalus was finally close enough for Rodney to contact Radek on a private channel. Radek had left his earpiece on the side table with his glasses, but was sufficiently sleepless that he heard Rodney's voice on it as he lay in the bed, and snatched it up instantly.
"Radek?" Rodney's voice was wonderful to hear. "I hope I didn't wake you up?"
"I wish you had," answered Radek truthfully, "but it is very good to hear from you nonetheless."
"Ah, right." It did not sound as if Rodney had gotten any sleep lately either. "Listen, I wanted to let you know that we'll be making orbit in about an hour or so," he went on, "and to make sure you'll be there to meet Carson when he beams down."
"Rodney, what happened?"
Rodney's sigh was too audible through the earpiece. "A bunch of the Wraith regained their memories and hid it. As soon as we left they killed all the marines and then they… they captured and interrogated Carson."
"Ah, Bože!" Radek drew his knees up and bowed his head down to rest upon them. "What… what did they do?"
There was a pause before Rodney answered, and when he did his voice was not quite steady. "I don't… I don't know. He hasn't been talking… not to anybody. And Radek, I think… I think he hates me…"
"What!?" Radek cried. "Why?"
"I can't... go into that now," Rodney evaded unhappily. "Listen, I have to go. They need me to stay and work on some stuff on the Daedalus, so I won't be coming back right away. Just be there for Carson when he comes in. Don't let him be alone, okay?"
"No, I will not," Radek promised. "And Rodney? Come home as soon as you can." Your home as well as ours, Radek thought to his lover as Rodney signed off. He wished he knew what had happened to lead Rodney to think that Carson hated him, though he was sure that could not truly be the case. With a troubled sigh, Radek rose from bed and prepared to face the new day.
As the natural perversity of the universe would have it, Radek had no sooner made it to the mess hall to confront the idea of breakfast, than he got an urgent call from the Botany Department. Atlantis' extensive hydroponics system, which Radek was in charge of renovating and getting functional again, had sprung a catastrophic leak, and it ended up taking him the better part of an hour and a half to get the thing under control. He'd tried to track Carson's whereabouts via his radio as he worked, and from this he learned that Dr. Beckett had beamed directly down to the infirmary, spent some time there getting checked over, and had then gone to his office.
By the time Radek had extricated himself from the leaking hydroponic systems, however, Carson was no longer in his office and no one had seen him for half an hour or more. Frustrated and half frantic, Radek headed for his last verified whereabouts first, finding Carson's office dark, and the door open. There was something decidedly out of place there, though, Radek could not fail to notice. The wall behind Carson's desk was empty of the handful of framed licenses, certificates and diplomas that Carson had placed there, after he had finally gotten them from earth. Now, their empty frames were stacked carelessly on Carson's desk and Radek felt his heart in his throat. This was very bad.
Radek left the infirmary and headed in the general direction of their quarters, no idea of how or where to look for Carson. The man hadn't answered any of Radek's calls on his radio since he'd gotten back, and the infirmary staff had told him that he wasn't wearing one. It was an anxious hunch that inspired Radek to check out the first side corridor he passed that lead to a balcony, and it was there that he spotted Carson, one hand clutching, white knuckled, at the railing, the other grasping a sheaf of papers. With a sinking feeling, Radek figured he knew just what those papers were.
"Carson?" he asked hesitently, not certain the man even knew he was there.
He did not answer at first, or even look his way, but Radek saw his shoulders slump as he drew near. After another moment or so Carson spoke, though he still did not turn to look at Radek.
"I'm a regular Dr. Mengele, I am," was what he said.
"Ne, Carson," he cried softly, the words escaping him before he could even think. It was so very, very wrong to hear Carson speak these words. It made Radek's heart hurt. "You must not say such things! I know it cannot be true!" he plead.
"I left them behind to die," Carson said after another moment. "I left all of them behind to be bombed by us or… fed on by the ones as had turned back. I got away safe and I left my patients… They were completely helpless and I was the one that made 'em so!"
Radek moved a step closer, able at last to reach out and place his hand on Carson's shoulder. "Did you have a choice, miláčku?" he asked, certain of the answer already, but wanting to remind his lover of it.
At last Carson turned to look at him, an agony of self doubt and guilt written large over his features. Radek met his gaze with every ounce of the fierce devotion he felt showing in his face and after a moment Carson turned away from the rail and folded Radek in his arms. Radek held his lover close, felt how he was shaking and felt his own heart ache for Carson's sake. "Come home with me now, milacku," he murmured when Carson's shaking had abated somewhat. "Please."
Carson nodded silently, and complied, the sheaf of certificates still clutched in his right hand. It was not far to their quarters and fortunately the halls were not so busy at the moment. They made it home without incident and Radek sat Carson on the sofa, stepping into the kitchen to start some water heating.
"Can I make you a cup of tea?" Radek asked, more as a formality than anything, but he saw Carson shake his head, staring at his hands where they hung between his knees. Turning the kettle off, Radek returned to sit beside Carson, feeling more helpless than he could remember. Never had he known his lover to refuse a cup of tea.
"Carson?" he asked again softly and not too steadily, carefully removing the precious certificates from Carson's hand to lay them on the table before them and smoothing them flat again. When he was done he took up one of Carson's hands to hold between his own, clasping it gently, as though it were a precious thing.
"I feel as though… as though I've lost my way," Carson said miserably at last. "Somehow I… it seems as though I've gone from being a doctor and a geneticist to being a… a weapons designer, and I don't quite know how it happened… "
Radek shook his head slowly. "You would think it would be easier to tell the difference between being a doctor and a weapons designer," he said, "than between an engineer and a weapons designer, would you not?"
"Aye, I suppose," said Carson.
"As we worked together on deploying your retrovirus," Radek said, "you did not come to ask yourself how it was that I knew so much about weaponizing biological agents?" Radek spoke softly, not meeting Carson's eyes.
"I didn't…" Carson began, looking back at him curiously. "I didn't give it much thought, I suppose. The both of you know so much about so many things. I never thought to wonder…"
"I have not always had free choice," Radek said quietly, still not meeting Carson's gaze, still feeling shame and bitterness after all these years, "of what institutions or projects I was assigned to. I thought I was through with all that long before I came here, and yet…" Radek shrugged his shoulders, wishing it was as easy to shrug off old guilts.
He felt Carson's hand move in his, clasping his fingers firmly, communicating the support and forgiveness that Radek would not meet his eyes to see. Radek bowed his head in gratitude and the two of them sat in silence for while.
"I'd never want either one of you to believe that I thought the less of you for it," Carson began again at last, "but they don't make engineers or physicists swear an oath not to harm people. The principles I've promised to uphold as a physician… they mean a great deal to me, and it feels to me like I've… I've failed them, monstrously."
Radek listened in silence, gently stroking Carson's hand as he did. He could not tell Carson if what he had done had or had not broken a vow he had taken, but he could maybe convince his lover that he was not alone.
"It is true that no one makes engineers take a vow to protect human life," he said after a while, "but I have learned that in Canada, and some other countries, an engineer may elect to do so. Rodney has."
"He has?" The idea seemed to be as much of a surprise to Carson as it had been to Radek when Rodney had first told him about it.
"Have you not noticed the ring which he wears here?" Radek held up his right hand to indicate the little finger of it.
"I had," Carson answered, "but I never thought to ask him about it…"
"After we had first met in Siberia," Radek answered, "I did. He is very proud of it, though I think he is shy to speak of it."
"Why?" asked Carson.
"It seems, I think, a little… sentimental for him to admit to openly," said Radek with a fond smile, "but it means a great deal to him. The ring is of steel, and it means that he has taken part in a ceremony called The Ritual of the Calling of an Engineer. The initiates are Canadian engineers who have sworn to uphold the highest standards of their profession, and to work only to the betterment of mankind."
Glancing over at Carson, Radek saw the man slowly shaking his head in astonishment. "I'd have never guessed," he said affectionately, "but it is very like him, bless the man. He's a secret altruist."
Rodney was not the only one, Radek thought to himself. When Rodney had first explained the ring and the ritual to Radek, and seen the wistful envy in Radek's eyes, he'd told the Czech engineer, whose work he was already coming to admire, that as a member in good standing, he was entitled to recommend foreign engineers for the initiation. He'd promised Radek then that at his first opportunity he would recommend him. Though the opportunity had not yet arisen, Radek had no doubts that Rodney would keep his promise if he could. It was just after the siege of Atlantis around a year ago that Rodney had reconfirmed this promise.
"He wanted to take it off," said Radek, "his ring, that is, while we were completing Genii nuclear bombs. He told me that he had promised himself that he would never work on such devices again, but I convinced him to leave it on."
"How?" asked Carson, and Radek could see that his story had some resonance for him.
"What we did that day," answered Radek, "we did to save Atlantis, and also to save Earth. That was what I told him, because it was true. We have all of us only done what we have had to -what was needed for us to survive and to defend the Earth."
He looked up at Carson to gauge the man's reaction, and while his look was unhappy, he did not seem to be refuting Radek's assessment.
"If we had not built nuclear weapons," Radek continued, "Atlantis would have been destroyed by Wraith, and if you and I, Carson, had not developed retrovirus weapon then Rodney and I would have died on the Daedalus."
"I know," said Carson, torn, "and I'll not regret that, no matter what the cost. As long as you promise to be there to help me find myself again."
For an answer, Radek reached his arm around his love and pulled him close. Carson let himself be pulled, releasing a long sigh as he leaned into Radek. There was an easing in Radek's heart as Carson relaxed at his side, but there were more troubling issues he needed to raise with Carson before he relaxed altogether.
"When Rodney called me this morning," he said after some companionable silence, "he said that he was… concerned… that you were angry with him for some reason…? He would not say why…"
Carson gave another long sigh, this one not so relaxed. "Ah dear lord," he said, lowering his head into his hand, "I knew I should have said something to the poor lad, but I was too busy feelin' sorry for myself."
Radek clasped Carson's shoulder firmly, offering absolution with the gesture. Though he still did not know the particulars, this sounded like the sort of misunderstanding that Radek had suspected, and knew it would sort itself out soon enough. "He also told me that you were held captive and interrogated by the Wraith, but that you would tell no one what was done to you?"
Carson clutched his hands together anxiously as he answered. "It wasn't so much really. They didn't truly do me any harm. They just… they took things out of my head is all, and there wasn't a bloody thing I could do about it…"
Carson's words made Radek's heart ache again, and he pulled his lover close once more. "I do not know if that is such a small thing, milacku," he murmured sorrowfully.
Carson did not answer, only letting Radek hold him in silence for another little while. It was in that quiet that they both heard the door to their quarters open, and both looked up to see Rodney cautiously enter.
His wary expression became painfully anguished the moment his eyes fell on Carson and Radek, and then an instant later he was turning to flee out the still open the door. Carson was faster though, and was up and off the sofa, catching at Rodney's arm before he could make his escape.
"Wait Rodney!" he cried. "You mustn't go, please!"
Rodney's expression was desperately unhappy as he saw the door close behind him, but he let Carson lead him into the room, having apparently given up on the urge to flee, though there was still no hope in his eyes at all.
"I don't blame you for hating me," Rodney said, before anyone could say anything else. "You begged me not to fire on the settlement, and I knew... I knew it was wrong... But I had to... I had to... I'm so sorry."
"Rodney luv, no," Carson cried, drawing in the man into a close embrace, though Rodney resisted a bit at first. "I could never… oh love, I could never hate you. Never!"
Rodney gave a little sob as he fell into Carson's arms at last, wrapping his own around his lover.
"I know you had to do what you did," Carson soothed, "and I knew it then too. All I did was make it harder for you, and for that I'm the one who's sorry."
Rodney had his face buried in Carson's shoulder and when he spoke it was barely audible. "I thought... I was afraid we'd lost you," Radek was just able to make out. "Then we got you back and I thought…" Rodney's voice went unsteady for a moment. "I thought I'd lost you anyhow."
"Hush now," said Carson, stroking his hand gently over Rodney's hair as he held him. "Hush now luv. You've not lost me. Not like that; never like that."
"That… that's good to know," Rodney said quietly, lifting his head at last. "But what I don't understand is why I'm the one who's falling apart when you're the one who was tortured by the Wraith."
"Now, I don't know if I'd go so far as to call it torture…" Carson began, but Rodney was having none of it.
"So what would you call having the Wraith sift through the contents of your brain at will?" he cried, still overwrought, but now on Carson's behalf. "A minor inconvenience?"
Now Radek rose, crossing to where his two lovers stood, to bring them both back to the sofa to sit, hoping to calm Rodney down. "Rodney," he asked, as one possible factor occurred to him, "do you need to eat something?"
"Oh, probably," he said, collapsing onto the sofa, then, "what's all this?" as he noticed the scattering of Carson's medical certificates on the coffee table. Radek had stepped into the kitchen and now returned to hand Rodney a power bar, and waited for Carson to answer for himself. He soon saw that the doctor would need some prodding.
"Carson had them with him when I found him out on the balcony earlier, Radek said, meeting Carson's guilty look steadfastly.
"Carson, you weren't going to…?" Rodney asked around a mouth full of power bar.
"Aye," Carson admitted softly, meeting no one's gaze. "I… I might have done… if you hadn't come along when you did, luv." Carson reached across to where Radek was sitting beside him and took his hand, but still did not meet his eyes.
"Why?" Rodney was incredulous. "For god's sake Carson, you did everything in your power to help those poor bastards, even after half of them turned on you."
"I know luv, I know," Carson said, taking Rodney's hand as well. "I know we've all only done what we had to, but I just can't make it sit right in my mind. When I go over everything that's happened, I can't think of a thing I'd do differently, but I can't shake the sense that… that I've somehow done something terribly wrong."
No one had an answer for this, and so the three of them sat in silence for a while, each lost in his own unhappy thoughts. Radek found his thoughts returning to his own guilty secrets -secrets which, until today, had lain quiet within him, but no longer. It had been a lifetime ago, in truth, but Carson's bewildered guilt brought it all back with astonishing clarity. Radek found himself speaking before he knew he meant to.
"The feeling does not really ever go away," he said, "but you will think about it less after a time. Eventually it will become clear that you did do the right thing, but it will never feel right."
"Radek," asked Rodney, "what the hell are you talking about?" Both he and Carson were looking at him curiously, and Radek knew that he'd never get out of admitting the whole truth now. It was not really anything he wanted to revisit, but the look in Carson's eyes, hungry for any kind of hope for resolution, compelled him.
"It is, you know," he began after a thoughtful pause, "much easier to have principles when you live in a free country." This was something that Radek had been refraining from saying for some time now, for fear of hurting his lover's feelings, but they would never understand his story if they did not understand this. He looked up to see their reactions and found Rodney frowning guiltily, but Carson was nodding in understanding.
"Aye, I imagine so," he said.
"Earlier today," Radek began hesitantly, "I told Carson that I have not always had a choice about what projects I worked on, but this is not complete truth. I had a choice once, and the choice I made then set me on a path that I knew would take me to places... lead me to doing things that I would never be proud of. I knew this when I made my choice because I knew... no, I hoped that at the end of that path I would find the kind of work I desired." Radek fell silent then, staring down at his hands. Sworn to secrecy by old masters long ago, Radek had never spoken of these things before, and now found it harder to give up those secrets that he had expected.
"Will you come now and sit between us, Radek luv?" Carson asked kindly, scooting over to make room. Radek drew a long breath as he settled between his lovers on the sofa, trying to think of how to explain the everyday realities of life on the wrong side of the Iron Curtain, to these two fortunate men of the free world. Still, he considered, the things he had in common with his two lovers must far outweigh the differences in their upbringing. He would begin with that, and trust that they would never condemn him for what he'd done.
"Today I am sure I do not seem to be an ambitious man, but when one is young, and just discovering for the first time how very much smarter one is than one's peers, who would not succumb to ambition?"
There was an understanding smile in Rodney's eyes as he nodded, and in Carson's voice as he replied, "Aye, I remember that time myself."
"In Czechoslovakia, under communist regime, there was only one path for anyone with any ambition -save for leaving the country and condemning all one's family to fall under government disfavor. It could be a dangerous path, but all ambition is dangerous, one way or another, and all young men think that they will master such dangers easily. I was no different. I joined the Komunistickou stranu -that was the communist party of the former Czechoslovakia- before I was at university even, because I knew it would be necessary for my future." Radek shook his head slowly to think how this must seem now. "I thought nothing of it at the time. It was simply what one did."
Comfortingly, Radek could feel Carson's arm around his shoulders, keeping him close and Rodney had taken his hand to hold it in support. Drawing a long breath, Radek found the strength in his lovers' silent encouragement to go on.
"In some ways, my life then was almost as perilous as my life here today," he continued with a wry half smile. "It could be a matter of life or death to be noticed by some persons, and not to be noticed by others. In some assignments I must show my intelligence , and in some I must seem like an ordinary dullard. If my duplicity was ever discovered by the wrong person, or if someone merely took a dislike to me, I could be disappeared -sent to work as little more than a prisoner in Sibír, or worse, and no one would ever know if I was alive or dead."
Reflecting on those times now, Radek marveled at how little he had worried about his fate then, and how ordinary it had all seemed. Carson and Rodney, though, seemed troubled to hear this and Radek felt himself held even more tightly between his lovers.
"When certain postings or positions were suggested to me by certain people, I knew I must take them," he carried on, "and this was how I came to leave home and work in Soviet Union. It was after I had been there for some time that I began to hear rumors, stories about something Russians called 'speculative technologies facility', near Tunguska, and I soon knew that this was where I wanted to be, but that certain price must be paid to get there."
Radek paused, shocked by how hard it was to finally speak of this. He closed his eyes and thought of his lovers, of the forgiveness their very presence promised, then drew a breath and confessed the truth, for the first time in his life. "I have worked on some very bad things," he said at last.
As if to reinforce that promise in the wake of his confession, Rodney took Radek's hand in both of his and lifted it to his lips. The surprising eloquence of the gesture had Radek close to tears for a moment, but he swallowed hard and continued, as steadily as he could manage.
"I... my work contributed significantly to the effectiveness of the Soviet arsenal of chemical and biological weapons during the years that I was assigned to that facility. I had to be good, had to get results, but not too many... It was what I had to do to attract the attention of the people who could get me position in Tunguska facility, and not to attract the attention of people to whom I would seem dangerous or threatening."
People and places that Radek had not thought of in years filled Radek's memory now, with startling clarity and Radek saw, as he had not then, the profound wretchedness of the life he had escaped. "The men and women I worked with there, the medical personnel -I will not call them doctors... You could never be like them, Carson," he said, adamantly. "They were dead inside. They... they had no souls any more. And I... I had to fit in."
"Ah, luv..." said Carson, his voice full of sorrow, kissing Radek tenderly on the face.
"I can never be proud of what I did there, but I am proud that I survived, and did finally arrange to be sent to Tunguska. There were several... reorganizations at the facility after the end of communist era, but by then I had managed to make myself indispensable, and so was still there when you came, Rodney, after your falling out with SGC."
"Okay," said Rodney after a moment of respectful silence, "do I even need to say what a good thing it is that you ended up in Siberia, Radek?"
Radek smiled to himself and took up Rodney's right hand to touch the faceted steel ring on the little finger there. "I do not know if the things that I have done would make me ineligible for this," he said a little sadly, "but I will not lie about it. I have done what I have done, and I am not proud of all of it, but I cannot think of any other way for me to have come to where I needed to be and survived."
"Honestly, I have no idea if they'll ask you about that," Rodney answered him, "but they shouldn't, and if I have anything to say about it, they won't. I mean," Rodney continued, "I freely admit that I've had it better -way better- than a lot of people, and nobody who doesn't know the kind of life you've known has any business passing judgment. I can't possibly judge you for any of the things you did that brought you here to us, Radek, but I hope you never regret them."
"No, I do not think I will," said Radek contentedly. "I do not think that there is anything that could change that now."
In the silence that followed, Radek could feel Carson shift uneasily against him. He had to know that they were both waiting to hear what he had to say, and after a while he cleared his throat, and reached out with one hand to smooth the wrinkled corner of his Medical License.
"When they told me that there'd be hardships in coming here," he said at last, "I thought of hunger and hard work, and of dangerous conditions, but I didn't think about things like this. I didn't think about the hard choices that come with living in a place like Atlantis." Carson turned the paper so that it was right-side-up from his perspective, running his fingers over the seal at the lower corner.
"It's quite stupid really, because medicine's full of hard decisions, as it is. I was trained in how to make hard decisions, and when I look back at the things that I've done over the last few months, I see that I've done just as I was trained, and I think I made the right decisions."
Radek, and Rodney beside him, both nodded adamantly and seriously, and Carson smiled in return.
"But, what nobody tells you," Carson continued, sorrow coloring his voice, "is how making the right decision in a situation like this can still haunt you worse than all the wrong things you've ever done in your life."
"Ano, that is true," said Radek, "but I think, in the end, that it is a good thing that you should feel haunted by such a decision."
"And why is that?" Carson asked, puzzled.
"Because if ever you do not feel troubled by such things, miláčku," Radek answered him, "then you will have lost your way, for certain."
Carson sat back in the sofa, his bemused gaze still on the license sitting on the table. "So you're sayin' that the day I don't feel like chucking my medical degree into the sea is the day that I should?" he asked.
"Lets not 'chuck' anything into the sea at all, shall we?" Rodney interjected. "Can we at least try not to irritate the local sea monsters?"
Radek had lost track of the full magnitude of the weight that lay on his heart until he saw Carson finally smile then, his dimples emerging for what seemed the first time in weeks, and he felt the weight lift, and a smile form on his own lips.
"There," he said, smiling more broadly still for Carson to see, and lifting his hand to touch one of the beloved dimples with a fingertip. "That is what I have been waiting to see."
"Ah, luv," Carson sighed, happily pulling Radek into and all-encompassing hug. "I can endure it all, every heartache, as long as I've the two of you to come home to," he said. Next, Radek felt his face framed between Carson's powerful but gentle hands and then he was being kissed with the profoundest affection. Radek drank in the kiss, letting his own fingers play over Carson's face.
Radek turned back towards Rodney when the kiss finally ended, and found him wearing one of those wistful half smiles that came to Rodney on those rare moments when it seemed that the weight of the world mightn't rest on his shoulders forever.
"Rodney," Radek said, welcoming his other lover home, as he had not yet, with his voice, his eyes and his arms. "Thank you, miláčku, for bringing him back, and for bringing yourself back as well."
***
Now comes the sex, again...