In Extremis: Ch. 10
Sappy, sappy, sappy *sap*!!
You have been warned.
Have your kleenex and some insulin handy.
Title: In Extremis
Author: Taylor Dancinghands -
taylor@willendorphians.com
Characters: Rodney McKay/Radek Zelenka
Category: slash, established relationship, Radek Angst
Rating: 'PG-17' -eventually
Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where
Summary: Rodney's got himself in a bit of a bad spot, and only Radek can get him out.
How far will he go, and how will he face himself afterwards?
Spoilers/Season: none really. post season 2?
Author's notes: This story could be said to be a sequel of sorts to 'Discorporate', and so I've decided to make it number 2 in what will hopefully become a series that I'm now calling "The Angsty & Amorous Adventures of Rodney & Radek" or the A&AAofR&R.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?
In Extremis
by Taylor Dancinghands
Back to Ch. 9
X. The Snow Queen's Spell
The look on Rodney's face was stricken, and an angry voice from Radek's frozen heart bid him to tell Rodney that he didn't want his pity, but even the icy bastard calling the shots for Radek these days knew that wasn't what was on Rodney's face or in his heart. Understanding was a big part of what was there, and love, and there was also more than a little guilt. He felt Rodney's hand move, never breaking contact, sliding up to his left shoulder and gripping it firmly, turning Radek to face him.
"Well, *I* know," Rodney said, quietly adamant, "who you are, I mean. I should, right? You may be the only person in the two galaxies who gets me, so the least I can do is reciprocate. Plus, genius here, eh? You, Radek Zelenka, are the second smartest man in the Pegasus Galaxy, and humanity's foremost expert on puddle jumpers and a variety of other Ancient technology; you're a quiet, decent little guy who has way more friends than I do for a multitude of good reasons; you've got a wicked sense of humor but you haven't got a mean bone in your body and I'm so not surprised to hear you say you're a pacifist," here Rodney paused briefly to draw a breath, "You're the guy I could absolutely not do my job without, or live my life without, really, and you're the person I love more than anyone, or anything in my life, … and you're who I need in my life… like I need air in my lungs … That's who you are."
Radek stared down at his hands throughout this litany, frightened by the sincerity and affection in Rodney's eyes and voice. He knew that those things were true, or at least that they had been, but he could not find himself Rodney's description. Something was missing.
"How can I be that person," he asked without lifting his head, "if I cannot feel anything?"
Rodney did not relinquish his grip on Radek's shoulder and if anything, it grew firmer.
"Okay, now we know *that* can't really be true because you've been biting everyone's head off in the lab all week." he countered.
"No," Radek said, still staring fixedly downwards, though he suspected that if Rodney had his right hand to use he'd have used it to lift Radek's face up to meet his gaze, "you are right. There is one thing I do feel, and that is fear. I am afraid, all the time." Radek did not know why he had confessed this, save that the weight and strength of Rodney's hand on his shoulder seemed to compel him.
"What is it that you're afraid of?" Rodney asked, and in his asking somehow compelled the truth from Radek again.
"I am afraid that I will never feel anything else again." he said, naming the fear he had not even dared to name in his mind before.
"Oh, no, no, no, no …" Rodney shook his head vehemently, "*so* not going to let that happen. Just not. Even." Rodney scooted a little closer to Radek on the couch and carefully moved his hand from the one shoulder, across the back of his neck to the other, so that his arm surrounded Radek and drew him closer still.
"You do trust me, right?" Rodney asked as Radek found his body stiffening against Rodney's embrace. "Because you have to. You just *have* to trust me here, Radek."
Once again Rodney's voice, his pleas, compelled Radek to an action his ice bound heart forbade. He looked up at last to meet Rodney's eyes with his own, knew he could trust Rodney with his life and more, and said so.
"I do … I do trust you, Rodney." he said, little more than whispering the words.
"Then will you come here and let me hold you?" he asked.
Radek's initial reaction was to draw into himself, wrapping his arms around his waist in trepidation. Still, he had given his fate over to Rodney and could refuse him nothing. He let himself be drawn back against Rodney's body as they shifted to sit sideways on the sofa, Radek in front, between Rodney's legs. Radek remembered thinking how well he fit against Rodney in this manner, in times past, but could not bring back the sensation of peace and completion he had felt then.
Rodney's arms reached out to either side of him to wrap around his body and pull him close, his right hand, still encased in a cast up to his elbow, lying across his belly, and his left resting once again over Radek's heart. The fingers of that had splayed out so as to cover as much of Radek's chest as it could, and after a moment Rodney began to move his hand in little circles, as though to warm him.
It was as if he knew, Radek marveled, as though he knew that Radek's heart lay entombed in ice just below where his hand moved. At his back, where once Rodney's hand had been all there was, now the mass of Rodney's body pressed, heating not just his skin but places deeper in as well. In spite of himself, Radek felt his body start to relax into Rodney's arms.
"I know you’re in there," Rodney murmured into Radek's ear. "I know you are. You have to be. But I need you to come back now. Come back to me, Radek; it's safe, I swear it is. I'll keep you safe, I promise, whatever it takes, just come back to me now."
Radek felt himself begin to tremble in Rodney's arms, as his warmth, his pleading words and the strength of his embrace battered at his heart's icy prison.
"I need you, love, need you to come back to me," Rodney's pleas were relentless, and now he began to add little kisses between each, placed on the back of his neck, his collar bone, the base of his jaw. The hand rubbing circles over his heart continued as well, the heat emanating from it almost painful.
"Can't do this without you, love. Need you, need you so much …"
Love? Had Rodney just called him love? Rodney never did that. Oh, he'd told Radek he loved him often enough, but Rodney didn't do 'pet' names … or at least he never had before. It took a moment for the import to sink in to Radek's shell shocked mind, but when it did shook Radek to his frozen core … and cracked it.
"I can't …" Radek listened to the words spill out of him and hardly knew what he was saying. "I can't stop seeing the blood … so many bodies, so much death … the poor bastard I shot in the head … Actually I almost certainly shot a lot of people in the head, but that one I saw … he looked into my eyes, and he was in such pain, and so afraid and he didn't want to die and ... and I ... I shot him in the head."
"Shhh," Rodney pulled him close, "It's all over now, right? You got us away from there and we're home now," he said, "We're safe, love; we're home and safe so you gotta let all that stuff go now."
"But I cannot forget!" Radek's voice was despairing, "I cannot undo what I did. It is done; it happened and I did it. How can I let go? It is part of me now, for rest of my life …"
"Okay, sure … maybe it is," Rodney voice held a unique blend of belligerence, passion and hope, "but now, so is this …" Radek felt Rodney's lips on his throat, kissing him with tender devotion. "And this," Rodney's lips brushed his cheek. "Oh yeah, and this …"
With his right hand, gentle in spite of being encased in gauze and plaster, Rodney tenderly reached up to tilt Radek's head so that he could kiss him full on the mouth. Such heat there was in this kiss, not carnal heat, but pure passion, selfless, devoted, worshipful even. It burned deep into Radek's soul and would not be extinguished.
Very long ago someone, perhaps his mother even, had told Radek a fairy tale about a boy who'd been taken captive by some wintry enchantress, and who'd frozen his heart by embedding in it shards of a magical mirror made of ice. The fair maid who'd eventually rescued him had drawn those slivers away to break the enchantment and thaw the boy's heart. This was what Radek thought of as he felt the heat of Rodney's kiss penetrate his own heart.
It truly felt to Radek as though shards of glass were being drawn from somewhere deep within him. It made the memory of drawing the crossbow bolt from his arm pale in comparison. He could not stop from crying out at the pain and it was an awful sort of choked wail that escaped him at first. Without conscious thought Radek reached up with both his hands to clutch with bruising strength at Rodney's left, where it still lay over his heart. The first sob escaped him then, wracking his whole body with the agony of its release. Others followed in it's wake, slowly at first and then coming in a torrent and Rodney's arms held him hard and strong and close.
Rodney's voice held him too, though at first he was too undone to comprehend the meaning of the words, the naked affection and need and relief in it, as he murmured, "Oh god, oh god you're okay now, you're okay; I've got you, I've got you; I won't let you go," communicated everything Radek needed to hear.
***
Better soon!
On th Ch. 11
You have been warned.
Have your kleenex and some insulin handy.
Title: In Extremis
Author: Taylor Dancinghands -
taylor@willendorphians.com
Characters: Rodney McKay/Radek Zelenka
Category: slash, established relationship, Radek Angst
Rating: 'PG-17' -eventually
Archive: Generally yes, but please let me know where
Summary: Rodney's got himself in a bit of a bad spot, and only Radek can get him out.
How far will he go, and how will he face himself afterwards?
Spoilers/Season: none really. post season 2?
Author's notes: This story could be said to be a sequel of sorts to 'Discorporate', and so I've decided to make it number 2 in what will hopefully become a series that I'm now calling "The Angsty & Amorous Adventures of Rodney & Radek" or the A&AAofR&R.
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, never will, not claiming to. Just wanna play with 'em a little. Can't I, can't I, huh?
In Extremis
by Taylor Dancinghands
Back to Ch. 9
X. The Snow Queen's Spell
The look on Rodney's face was stricken, and an angry voice from Radek's frozen heart bid him to tell Rodney that he didn't want his pity, but even the icy bastard calling the shots for Radek these days knew that wasn't what was on Rodney's face or in his heart. Understanding was a big part of what was there, and love, and there was also more than a little guilt. He felt Rodney's hand move, never breaking contact, sliding up to his left shoulder and gripping it firmly, turning Radek to face him.
"Well, *I* know," Rodney said, quietly adamant, "who you are, I mean. I should, right? You may be the only person in the two galaxies who gets me, so the least I can do is reciprocate. Plus, genius here, eh? You, Radek Zelenka, are the second smartest man in the Pegasus Galaxy, and humanity's foremost expert on puddle jumpers and a variety of other Ancient technology; you're a quiet, decent little guy who has way more friends than I do for a multitude of good reasons; you've got a wicked sense of humor but you haven't got a mean bone in your body and I'm so not surprised to hear you say you're a pacifist," here Rodney paused briefly to draw a breath, "You're the guy I could absolutely not do my job without, or live my life without, really, and you're the person I love more than anyone, or anything in my life, … and you're who I need in my life… like I need air in my lungs … That's who you are."
Radek stared down at his hands throughout this litany, frightened by the sincerity and affection in Rodney's eyes and voice. He knew that those things were true, or at least that they had been, but he could not find himself Rodney's description. Something was missing.
"How can I be that person," he asked without lifting his head, "if I cannot feel anything?"
Rodney did not relinquish his grip on Radek's shoulder and if anything, it grew firmer.
"Okay, now we know *that* can't really be true because you've been biting everyone's head off in the lab all week." he countered.
"No," Radek said, still staring fixedly downwards, though he suspected that if Rodney had his right hand to use he'd have used it to lift Radek's face up to meet his gaze, "you are right. There is one thing I do feel, and that is fear. I am afraid, all the time." Radek did not know why he had confessed this, save that the weight and strength of Rodney's hand on his shoulder seemed to compel him.
"What is it that you're afraid of?" Rodney asked, and in his asking somehow compelled the truth from Radek again.
"I am afraid that I will never feel anything else again." he said, naming the fear he had not even dared to name in his mind before.
"Oh, no, no, no, no …" Rodney shook his head vehemently, "*so* not going to let that happen. Just not. Even." Rodney scooted a little closer to Radek on the couch and carefully moved his hand from the one shoulder, across the back of his neck to the other, so that his arm surrounded Radek and drew him closer still.
"You do trust me, right?" Rodney asked as Radek found his body stiffening against Rodney's embrace. "Because you have to. You just *have* to trust me here, Radek."
Once again Rodney's voice, his pleas, compelled Radek to an action his ice bound heart forbade. He looked up at last to meet Rodney's eyes with his own, knew he could trust Rodney with his life and more, and said so.
"I do … I do trust you, Rodney." he said, little more than whispering the words.
"Then will you come here and let me hold you?" he asked.
Radek's initial reaction was to draw into himself, wrapping his arms around his waist in trepidation. Still, he had given his fate over to Rodney and could refuse him nothing. He let himself be drawn back against Rodney's body as they shifted to sit sideways on the sofa, Radek in front, between Rodney's legs. Radek remembered thinking how well he fit against Rodney in this manner, in times past, but could not bring back the sensation of peace and completion he had felt then.
Rodney's arms reached out to either side of him to wrap around his body and pull him close, his right hand, still encased in a cast up to his elbow, lying across his belly, and his left resting once again over Radek's heart. The fingers of that had splayed out so as to cover as much of Radek's chest as it could, and after a moment Rodney began to move his hand in little circles, as though to warm him.
It was as if he knew, Radek marveled, as though he knew that Radek's heart lay entombed in ice just below where his hand moved. At his back, where once Rodney's hand had been all there was, now the mass of Rodney's body pressed, heating not just his skin but places deeper in as well. In spite of himself, Radek felt his body start to relax into Rodney's arms.
"I know you’re in there," Rodney murmured into Radek's ear. "I know you are. You have to be. But I need you to come back now. Come back to me, Radek; it's safe, I swear it is. I'll keep you safe, I promise, whatever it takes, just come back to me now."
Radek felt himself begin to tremble in Rodney's arms, as his warmth, his pleading words and the strength of his embrace battered at his heart's icy prison.
"I need you, love, need you to come back to me," Rodney's pleas were relentless, and now he began to add little kisses between each, placed on the back of his neck, his collar bone, the base of his jaw. The hand rubbing circles over his heart continued as well, the heat emanating from it almost painful.
"Can't do this without you, love. Need you, need you so much …"
Love? Had Rodney just called him love? Rodney never did that. Oh, he'd told Radek he loved him often enough, but Rodney didn't do 'pet' names … or at least he never had before. It took a moment for the import to sink in to Radek's shell shocked mind, but when it did shook Radek to his frozen core … and cracked it.
"I can't …" Radek listened to the words spill out of him and hardly knew what he was saying. "I can't stop seeing the blood … so many bodies, so much death … the poor bastard I shot in the head … Actually I almost certainly shot a lot of people in the head, but that one I saw … he looked into my eyes, and he was in such pain, and so afraid and he didn't want to die and ... and I ... I shot him in the head."
"Shhh," Rodney pulled him close, "It's all over now, right? You got us away from there and we're home now," he said, "We're safe, love; we're home and safe so you gotta let all that stuff go now."
"But I cannot forget!" Radek's voice was despairing, "I cannot undo what I did. It is done; it happened and I did it. How can I let go? It is part of me now, for rest of my life …"
"Okay, sure … maybe it is," Rodney voice held a unique blend of belligerence, passion and hope, "but now, so is this …" Radek felt Rodney's lips on his throat, kissing him with tender devotion. "And this," Rodney's lips brushed his cheek. "Oh yeah, and this …"
With his right hand, gentle in spite of being encased in gauze and plaster, Rodney tenderly reached up to tilt Radek's head so that he could kiss him full on the mouth. Such heat there was in this kiss, not carnal heat, but pure passion, selfless, devoted, worshipful even. It burned deep into Radek's soul and would not be extinguished.
Very long ago someone, perhaps his mother even, had told Radek a fairy tale about a boy who'd been taken captive by some wintry enchantress, and who'd frozen his heart by embedding in it shards of a magical mirror made of ice. The fair maid who'd eventually rescued him had drawn those slivers away to break the enchantment and thaw the boy's heart. This was what Radek thought of as he felt the heat of Rodney's kiss penetrate his own heart.
It truly felt to Radek as though shards of glass were being drawn from somewhere deep within him. It made the memory of drawing the crossbow bolt from his arm pale in comparison. He could not stop from crying out at the pain and it was an awful sort of choked wail that escaped him at first. Without conscious thought Radek reached up with both his hands to clutch with bruising strength at Rodney's left, where it still lay over his heart. The first sob escaped him then, wracking his whole body with the agony of its release. Others followed in it's wake, slowly at first and then coming in a torrent and Rodney's arms held him hard and strong and close.
Rodney's voice held him too, though at first he was too undone to comprehend the meaning of the words, the naked affection and need and relief in it, as he murmured, "Oh god, oh god you're okay now, you're okay; I've got you, I've got you; I won't let you go," communicated everything Radek needed to hear.
***
Better soon!
On th Ch. 11