Requesting Permission to Fire

i feel stuck in this self-destructive space. i try all these other outlets but nothing works. i've been mixing and matching these methods of destruction and having different outcomes each time. but it sucks. i haven't felt quite in this same space since high school, but at that time it was just one method, whereas over the years when cutting wasn't feasible i've managed to come up with other alternatives.

it's dark in this place.

i've been getting this same nightmare for about 4 nights now. i'm in this grey, cloudy, cold place and i am all alone. fog is pouring in, and my arms and legs break out into deep, open gashes at which i see my bones, and then all these grey, clammy worms come crawling out of my body through these wounds. everything just keeps spinning, and then i wake up. i want to not wake up and see where it goes. i want to know what it means.

they say that if depression goes untreated, it is very likely that is will reoccur within 3-5yrs. you'll have years inbetween at which things may be pretty good, but eventually, you'll fall right back down. and this can be occuring your entire life without treatment. and the longer you go without treatment, the worse, longer, and more frequent the episodes become.