Really happy got to play this There was a problem with his Sprite when your choose to feed him but other than that I had no problems I hope I got all the endings but I'm not sure.
it looks like i didn’t set up the other two endings properly I’m so sorry. There is ment to be more diolog and cgs for the saw and true endings but so far I’ve only seen someone properly get the edible ending.
I want to make a remaster of their game eventually and fix all the bugs and probably add more content.
Its alright I still loved the game and Airi. I am looking forward to any updates and cant wait to see how deep things can go with the characters I wanted to ask what made you make him a cannable like was that your plan all along or did things just end up like that. I was so curious about his love for strawberry cakes is it that he really likes it or is it because of the color that resembles blood. sorry if I'm rambling but i was intrigued I overall enjoyed everything and think that for a game jam it was great game.
The cannibal thing was put into the game because my friend said the menu you I and the artwork I have already done of Ari along with the curse I added, was giving yondere cannibal. originally he wasn’t meant to be, but I like the idea so much that I threw it in there and it felt right with the dessert theme. which the strawberry cake and dessert theme in general came from me looking around my room to see what I could make a character design off of and seeing a box of little Debby strawberry valentine cakes, and a strawberry monster can on my desk
I really liked this game! The art style is so cute! You designed this game so beautifully! ❣️You should definitely make a remastered version! i think it would be super cool!
I legit almost cried, thank you so much for making a let's play of my game! I'm sorry about the spelling errors, I need to start warning people of them since I have dyslexia and that can make writing hard for me. I also didn't catch the bug of airi's sprite popping up over the cg when you feed him till watching your play through.
I wish you luck on the other endings since people have told me i made it a bit hard to get them.
Awww I'm honored to have played your game on my channel❣️ Also don't worry about the misspells your game still gave me a good experience! 🩷( •̀ ω •́ ) Keep up the amazing work!
it’s come to my attention I made it hard to get by accident. You want to stay neutral with airi so pick things that would probably be the more rude options and keep Maggie alive by not ditching airi. I am planning on polishing this game up later on and making the story more coherent and the endings easier to get. I’m sorry I made it hard
glad you enjoyed, I might have more airi and co content on my tiktok and insta but I don’t make any promises because I low-key forget I have them sometimes 😅 you can find me on most platforms under rosewood studios.
Hello!! Just played the game and I genuinely like what you made :> I find the art style cute and the length of the novel just right (well atleast to me xd). Sadly I can't give you a thorough opinion as the other person did, I'm not that good at writing reviews. I can get behind the idea in some places so I didn't question it, like the "edible ending", this is your product so I don't question "what was the author thinking". For something that you say is rushed and is a prototype, in my opinion its excellent and besides you can always come back to this project and fix things that you want. I have read the conversation you had about the spelling mistakes and that you can't use the typing aid that you use. I don't know what other softwares renpy uses, I just use Notepad++ and set it up so that it checks my spelling automatically (as i am a non native english speaker)-but this is just a suggestion, whatever works/ is comfortable for you :> I am sorry if the structure of this is confusing I am writing this as it comes up in my mind. Keep up the good work, will definitely check out other works of yours in the future. <3
thank you so much for playing my game! I’m glad you enjoyed it, and think it has potential. I really want to do a remaster with some things I’m learning about characters development and story progression.
I actually have another yandere game currently in the works inspired by multiple works of SnaccPop studios and old creepypastas if that’s interesting to you. Sadly beyond the stars is on the back burner at the moment thanks to motivation issues.
ill look into what I can use to write better in the renpy engine itself maybe there is a autocorrect plugin
Ahah, thank you! I am familiar with SnaccPop studios and I loved their works so far. And if I find the creepypasta theme interesting, well hell yea I do ;D As far as motivation goes don't burn yourself out take care of yourself and rest enough, thats what matters the most! <3 You don't have to rush anything :) A burnout is a creators worst nightmare. And i hope you have luck in finding a plugin but if not I am sure there is someone that can go through and check the spelling for you, if not I can offer my help in that department if you take up my offer (it is okay if not, no hard feelings) (⁀ᗢ⁀) Waiting patiently for future updates regarding you creations! I am sure what you make will be incredible! Take care have a great day/night. ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡
So, I came here from the video you made about this project. I originally got the Edible Ending and then a bunch of dead ends. Then, because I put this through my Ren'Py launcher to play this on my Mac, I saw that there was a true ending and randomly chose answers again with some attention to detail to fall into a certain range to get the true ending, to which I did. If I didn't have that inside knowledge, I wouldn't have gotten that ending nor would know have known about its existence.
As for the game itself, I liked the art and the colors of the VN. I liked the CGs, too. Although, I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking at when the love interest was next to the MC in bed. I also found it funny how you had the characters go see a play about Rapunzel, as I also did that for my characters in the visual novel Love Days, which you can find on my profile here.
Yet, for a yandere story, I'm surprised you didn't mention about how the prince falls from the castle and becomes blinded by the thorns. That could have heightened her paranoia in the story or that sense of uneasiness. I know that from reading the original story.
Otherwise, the story felt slow or boring in some places, and I was confused why Airi would call the MC kind or nice if the player chose to be cold to him. Furthermore, the way in which the player lives or is saved I wasn't a fan of because it had to do with how much Airi did or didn't like you and choosing seemingly inconsequential or unrelated decisions that had no bearing on one's survival.
In the game Negative Nancy, which is a story-driven game with multiple endings depending when and where and who you say, "No" to, I was able to figure out and get the endings where Nancy is saved by particular characters because of how she treated certain characters earlier in the episode. That to me made more sense because there was a clear cause and effect and positive and negative reaction to one's choices that didn't hinge on a hidden value based off of dialogue choices that were different shades of grey and nuances.
I knew the true ending existed because you stated it at the end, but I wasn't sure if it did exist after trying different choices out and getting the same bad ending. Otherwise, there were a bunch of grammatical mistakes. Yet, I was fine with that, since I knew you said you were rushed for time, with this being a game jam. Some standouts were "stakes" instead of "steaks", "builds" instead of "bills", "there" instead of "their", "existing" instead of "existence", and "short staffed" instead of "short-staffed."
Sometimes apostrophes were forgotten or misplaced, and oftentimes, the first letter of a sentence was not capitalized. Regardless, I was able to understand everything. So, it's all good. I understand this was a rushed prototype. Just pointing out errors to help you clean up the VN better after the fact or to be aware of such issues for future visual novels.
Furthermore, I didn't like how the font was small in the beginning, but I got used to it. I legitimately thought there were uppercase F's in random places of the text, but turns out that is just how the font looks. That threw me off. I also noticed the text is white and therefore unreadable in the game menu. You might want to check that out.
I wasn't sure how Airi rhymed with Siri. I read his name as Ari or Airy pronunciation-wise, which seemed more feminine than masculine to me for a boy's name, unless that was what you were going for. The relaxing music reminded me of the music from the hit visual novel Our Life: Beginning and Always. I was surprised that the comfy music still played in scenes where the character felt uncomfortable. Silence could have been used there in such moments, unless you wanted that juxtaposition. It also would have been nice if the player could name the MC or if the MC had a name herself (or himself). Also, it doesn't make sense for Airi to be known as Airi in the beginning of the game if the main character doesn't know his name yet.
Additionally, when I was skipping the game a lot, I noticed there was an audio error where the relaxing music overlapped with the piano music when the MC leaves the café and goes back home with Airi. Both musical tracks play at the same time there. Although, it stops once MC wakes up in the basement, and that's when only one track plays, which was the new one by then.
All in all, I liked the game. Well, I'm mixed on it. Even putting the nitpicks aside, I wasn't feeling invested in the characters or in the storyline. Although, I was excited when I got closer to Airi. Yet, I was disappointed and confused when he decided to eat the MC despite liking the MC. He could have easily gotten away with his criminal acts if he didn't give MC his special dishes.
To add to that confusion, not only does Airi think MC is kind either way, the MC likes that Airi is looking out for her or him later on in the game, even if MC is wary and cold of him prior to all of that. I felt maybe the story should have changed depending on how the MC felt about Airi in the final acts.
For example, MC could have texted his or her homegirl the night Airi was sleeping over at MC's place if MC was suspicious of Airi, making her friend's appearance later on more believable than something pulled out of thin air.
Another thing, I think it would have been more believable to see the manager more in the beginning than only in that one scene, especially if he's the manager. I felt like scenes happened independent of the story to put conflict in the story rather than seamlessly flowing into one another. They felt like isolated incidents that happened randomly than feeling like there was natural build-up to those scenes. I don't know if this is making sense, but it also felt weird that it felt like MC worked at the café alone when she had other people working alongside her.
Also, at least in America, employees want the customers to leave after they're done their food. Of course, that's dependent on culture and establishment. Yet, it could have made for more interesting conflict if the MC didn't like Airi's continuous presence or if the manager didn't either. Food for thought there (pun intended).
Finally, sorry for making a harsh review here. It's meant to be constructive, not destructive. My biggest issue with this visual novel was the slow pacing and boring filler moments. However, I've seen this in other hit visual novels like Our Life: Beginning and Always, Arcade Spirits, and other indie visual novel titles.
As someone who writes short stories for my own visual novels, reads indie visual novels, and provides feedback in the Ren'Py subreddit, even, I've come to realize that people may prioritize art over storytelling in this sphere.
It's not so much about good writing versus bad writing or perfect grammar versus horrible grammar. It's just that I'll find myself forcing myself to read through a pretty-looking but boring-to-read visual novel half the time. This is because I find there is a lack of conflict in the story. Thus, I'm waiting for things to happen, or it makes for an underwhelming experience. Luckily, you don't overly describe the setting with descriptive text, as I've seen other visual novels do. Instead, I felt like I read through filler dialogue or dialogue that bored me. Maybe that's a personal nitpick of mine, and you can completely disregard that.
However, for as much dialogue as there was, I felt I only knew the characters on a surface-level. I wasn't sure what to think of the main character and didn't have a solid grasp of who he or she was, even. I felt scenes switched between locations because they had to, not because I was living through the character and following along with their thought processes, fears, or desires. The "what" of a novel is the plot and events of a novel. The "who" of a novel is the story and person of a novel. It's the "why" behind the actions of the main character that drives the story forward and gives meaning to the events that take place.
If a story is a character desiring something and wanting to obtain a goal but something is getting in their way, then I'm not quite sure what the protagonist of this story truly wanted. Sure, Airi presented himself to the MC, but even if that character didn't make their presence overtly known, then I don't know what the MC would have truly wanted or why the MC was intrigued with Airi to begin with. Thus, it begs what the story is behind this visual novel.
Additionally, I work in customer service too and see and talk with regulars all the time. That doesn't mean I want to hang out with them, let alone with my coworkers.
All in all, I understand the story externally but not internally, and maybe it would have flowed better or be better understood if both the external events of the story and the internal desires and fears of the main character were taken into account when planning and writing out the story.
Ultimately, I give this visual novel a 7.5/10. Love the art and the colors. Could work on story, grammar, and dialogue. Good job!
I'm glad you liked the game even just that 7.5. outside of this being a game jam it was also my first ever fully published game and game of this genre, I'm more so a lineal writer then a branching one but I'm trying my best to fix that. I don't want to make you feel bad about pointing out my typos, but I need to mention it in my main page any way, I suffer from dyslexia and have a hard time with spelling and punctuation as I am typing now, I'm using an aid. I wasn't able to use my standard typing aid on the ren'py software.
I'll keep all you have said in mind for my next games, thank you so much for eve playing.
I was not aware of that. I also wasn't sure if this was a style of writing that I was reading. I hope I didn't come across arrogant or hypocritical in my essay of a rant. That's why I mentioned other examples of playing and reading through other visual novels and my own experience with game development. Even when I type up visual novels, I can end up with typos, and my work can range from boring to angsty and dramatic story-wise, which I'm astutely aware of. Plus, my art is bad, and I've been told it's crude. I've even criticized my own visual novels in the comments of my games. So, I am a critic all around.
I also realize I write my visual novels differently than others. People write theirs like books or with streams of consciousnesses. I also tend to write by the seat of my pants, and there's no one way to write a piece of fiction. I just write mine like a movie script where they are more dialogue-driven and fast-paced in the sense that there is always some sort of conflict in every scene whereas other authors can be more light in that regard due to the slice-of-life nature of the genre they're writing in, which there's nothing wrong with that either.
Although, if you poke around YouTube or Google, you'll find authors say that the driving force of any story is conflict, and without it, it can feel like a random series of events. At its core, a character having a goal plus an obstacle in the way of said character's goals is what equates to a plot. My works just happen to be more character-driven.
Otherwise, I know what it's like to be given feedback on a piece of art, whether written or drawn, and it can hurt. So, I didn't want to shoot down your ego. However, I wanted to be truthful while giving advice along the way, even if it was unsolicited. Plus, I didn't know if I was being too harsh for a prototype. I've also done and participated in many game jams, too, where I rushed for the deadline. So, I know the feeling.
Ultimately, at the end of the day, you got something out there, submitted your VN into a game jam, finished a story from beginning to middle to end, and you can always update the VN later if you so choose. That's still a win, and I'm just giving you my take as someone who appreciates the genre. You can write your visual novels however you want. That's the joy, power, and freedom of creativity. I just didn't want my critical feedback to discourage you from continuing your journey of game development, is all.
don’t worry, I’ve gotten plenty of critiques in my life as a author. My skill is more so in the art department anyway, I’d love to do art for somebody else’s story, but the opportunity has not come up yet so I’m just doing it on my own
I highly appreciate people who take time out of their day to tell me where I can improve so I highly appreciate your comments and will be continuing making games with it in mind.
Cool! I’ve also collaborated with two of my artsy friends for two of my visual novels so far. So, I’m always down for collaborating, too, if you’re interested.
I actually really like your art. It’s cute and colorful. My only critique is that it sometimes looks flat in some places, but I think that was the point, and my art is flatter, anyway. 😅
Otherwise, I’m pretty flexible. They gave me art, and I would just build a story around said art. Examples include When Winter Comes and Vibrant Love on my page.
I mainly write coming-of-age dramas or romances that are wholesome or angsty, but I’ve dabbled in writing in the fantasy and horror genres before. Examples include The Power of Friendship and Curse on my page.
I can work with a character sprite and a background or just a character sprite. A lot of my earlier works were self-contained stories like that, especially since they were for game jams. Examples include A Night Out, Class in Session, and Beach Waves on my page.
I can also do branching paths that diverge into different plots or nuanced routes like in Mother and Love Days on my page.
I’ve successfully done 25 game jams in total, and it usually takes me on average two weeks to a month to complete a visual novel. It can take me a week or less to write a good short story.
I have Reddit, FB, Snapchat, YouTube, email, and this account if you’re interested in collaborating with me further.
I'd love to collaborate! I normally do themed dating sims or stuff like strawberry darling, currently I have beyond the stars [zodiac theme], Yoshi [place holder name but it's a Tamagotchi creepypasta/yandere game], chocolate mafia [place holder name again, theme is clear there], and a few others I'd like to do but they all are ether dating sims or yandere games.
the only places we could really talk this over I have is discord, Instagram, and email
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Yay! I got All Ending! Wait for sequel or remake one. I almost give up for other ending. thank for accident I met to meet all ending.
Thank you so much for getting all the endings, I’m planing on making a remaster when the next yandere jam in February.
Why can't I have a happy ending with him? That emotional rollercoaster was for nothing?
you’re not the first person to ask for a happy ending. Trust me in the remaster you guys will get one.
YES!
I love Airi
Really happy got to play this
There was a problem with his Sprite when your choose to feed him but other than that I had no problems I hope I got all the endings but I'm not sure.
it looks like i didn’t set up the other two endings properly I’m so sorry. There is ment to be more diolog and cgs for the saw and true endings but so far I’ve only seen someone properly get the edible ending.
I want to make a remaster of their game eventually and fix all the bugs and probably add more content.
Its alright I still loved the game and Airi.
I am looking forward to any updates and cant wait to see how deep things can go with the characters
I wanted to ask what made you make him a cannable like was that your plan all along or did things just end up like that.
I was so curious about his love for strawberry cakes is it that he really likes it or is it because of the color that resembles blood.
sorry if I'm rambling but i was intrigued
I overall enjoyed everything and think that for a game jam it was great game.
The cannibal thing was put into the game because my friend said the menu you I and the artwork I have already done of Ari along with the curse I added, was giving yondere cannibal. originally he wasn’t meant to be, but I like the idea so much that I threw it in there and it felt right with the dessert theme. which the strawberry cake and dessert theme in general came from me looking around my room to see what I could make a character design off of and seeing a box of little Debby strawberry valentine cakes, and a strawberry monster can on my desk
oh thats awesome so everything blended together lol
well it turned out really well
I really liked this game! The art style is so cute! You designed this game so beautifully! ❣️You should definitely make a remastered version! i think it would be super cool!
I legit almost cried, thank you so much for making a let's play of my game! I'm sorry about the spelling errors, I need to start warning people of them since I have dyslexia and that can make writing hard for me. I also didn't catch the bug of airi's sprite popping up over the cg when you feed him till watching your play through.
I wish you luck on the other endings since people have told me i made it a bit hard to get them.
Awww I'm honored to have played your game on my channel❣️ Also don't worry about the misspells your game still gave me a good experience! 🩷( •̀ ω •́ ) Keep up the amazing work!
im confused on how to get true ending?
it’s come to my attention I made it hard to get by accident. You want to stay neutral with airi so pick things that would probably be the more rude options and keep Maggie alive by not ditching airi. I am planning on polishing this game up later on and making the story more coherent and the endings easier to get. I’m sorry I made it hard
thank you ! i still really enjoyed the game even though finding the true ending was a bit hard :) the characters are cute and the story is fun to read
glad you enjoyed, I might have more airi and co content on my tiktok and insta but I don’t make any promises because I low-key forget I have them sometimes 😅 you can find me on most platforms under rosewood studios.
Hello!!
Just played the game and I genuinely like what you made :>
I find the art style cute and the length of the novel just right (well atleast to me xd).
Sadly I can't give you a thorough opinion as the other person did, I'm not that good at writing reviews.
I can get behind the idea in some places so I didn't question it, like the "edible ending", this is your product so I don't question "what was the author thinking".
For something that you say is rushed and is a prototype, in my opinion its excellent and besides you can always come back to this project and fix things that you want.
I have read the conversation you had about the spelling mistakes and that you can't use the typing aid that you use. I don't know what other softwares renpy uses, I just use Notepad++ and set it up so that it checks my spelling automatically (as i am a non native english speaker)-but this is just a suggestion, whatever works/ is comfortable for you :>
I am sorry if the structure of this is confusing I am writing this as it comes up in my mind.
Keep up the good work, will definitely check out other works of yours in the future. <3
thank you so much for playing my game! I’m glad you enjoyed it, and think it has potential. I really want to do a remaster with some things I’m learning about characters development and story progression.
I actually have another yandere game currently in the works inspired by multiple works of SnaccPop studios and old creepypastas if that’s interesting to you. Sadly beyond the stars is on the back burner at the moment thanks to motivation issues.
ill look into what I can use to write better in the renpy engine itself maybe there is a autocorrect plugin
Also peek pfp love dazai.
Ahah, thank you!
I am familiar with SnaccPop studios and I loved their works so far. And if I find the creepypasta theme interesting, well hell yea I do ;D
As far as motivation goes don't burn yourself out take care of yourself and rest enough, thats what matters the most! <3
You don't have to rush anything :) A burnout is a creators worst nightmare.
And i hope you have luck in finding a plugin but if not I am sure there is someone that can go through and check the spelling for you, if not I can offer my help in that department if you take up my offer (it is okay if not, no hard feelings) (⁀ᗢ⁀)
Waiting patiently for future updates regarding you creations! I am sure what you make will be incredible! Take care have a great day/night. ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡
Read with caution. Spoilers below.
So, I came here from the video you made about this project. I originally got the Edible Ending and then a bunch of dead ends. Then, because I put this through my Ren'Py launcher to play this on my Mac, I saw that there was a true ending and randomly chose answers again with some attention to detail to fall into a certain range to get the true ending, to which I did. If I didn't have that inside knowledge, I wouldn't have gotten that ending nor would know have known about its existence.
As for the game itself, I liked the art and the colors of the VN. I liked the CGs, too. Although, I wasn't exactly sure what I was looking at when the love interest was next to the MC in bed. I also found it funny how you had the characters go see a play about Rapunzel, as I also did that for my characters in the visual novel Love Days, which you can find on my profile here.
Yet, for a yandere story, I'm surprised you didn't mention about how the prince falls from the castle and becomes blinded by the thorns. That could have heightened her paranoia in the story or that sense of uneasiness. I know that from reading the original story.
Otherwise, the story felt slow or boring in some places, and I was confused why Airi would call the MC kind or nice if the player chose to be cold to him. Furthermore, the way in which the player lives or is saved I wasn't a fan of because it had to do with how much Airi did or didn't like you and choosing seemingly inconsequential or unrelated decisions that had no bearing on one's survival.
In the game Negative Nancy, which is a story-driven game with multiple endings depending when and where and who you say, "No" to, I was able to figure out and get the endings where Nancy is saved by particular characters because of how she treated certain characters earlier in the episode. That to me made more sense because there was a clear cause and effect and positive and negative reaction to one's choices that didn't hinge on a hidden value based off of dialogue choices that were different shades of grey and nuances.
I knew the true ending existed because you stated it at the end, but I wasn't sure if it did exist after trying different choices out and getting the same bad ending. Otherwise, there were a bunch of grammatical mistakes. Yet, I was fine with that, since I knew you said you were rushed for time, with this being a game jam. Some standouts were "stakes" instead of "steaks", "builds" instead of "bills", "there" instead of "their", "existing" instead of "existence", and "short staffed" instead of "short-staffed."
Sometimes apostrophes were forgotten or misplaced, and oftentimes, the first letter of a sentence was not capitalized. Regardless, I was able to understand everything. So, it's all good. I understand this was a rushed prototype. Just pointing out errors to help you clean up the VN better after the fact or to be aware of such issues for future visual novels.
Furthermore, I didn't like how the font was small in the beginning, but I got used to it. I legitimately thought there were uppercase F's in random places of the text, but turns out that is just how the font looks. That threw me off. I also noticed the text is white and therefore unreadable in the game menu. You might want to check that out.
I wasn't sure how Airi rhymed with Siri. I read his name as Ari or Airy pronunciation-wise, which seemed more feminine than masculine to me for a boy's name, unless that was what you were going for. The relaxing music reminded me of the music from the hit visual novel Our Life: Beginning and Always. I was surprised that the comfy music still played in scenes where the character felt uncomfortable. Silence could have been used there in such moments, unless you wanted that juxtaposition. It also would have been nice if the player could name the MC or if the MC had a name herself (or himself). Also, it doesn't make sense for Airi to be known as Airi in the beginning of the game if the main character doesn't know his name yet.
Additionally, when I was skipping the game a lot, I noticed there was an audio error where the relaxing music overlapped with the piano music when the MC leaves the café and goes back home with Airi. Both musical tracks play at the same time there. Although, it stops once MC wakes up in the basement, and that's when only one track plays, which was the new one by then.
All in all, I liked the game. Well, I'm mixed on it. Even putting the nitpicks aside, I wasn't feeling invested in the characters or in the storyline. Although, I was excited when I got closer to Airi. Yet, I was disappointed and confused when he decided to eat the MC despite liking the MC. He could have easily gotten away with his criminal acts if he didn't give MC his special dishes.
To add to that confusion, not only does Airi think MC is kind either way, the MC likes that Airi is looking out for her or him later on in the game, even if MC is wary and cold of him prior to all of that. I felt maybe the story should have changed depending on how the MC felt about Airi in the final acts.
For example, MC could have texted his or her homegirl the night Airi was sleeping over at MC's place if MC was suspicious of Airi, making her friend's appearance later on more believable than something pulled out of thin air.
Another thing, I think it would have been more believable to see the manager more in the beginning than only in that one scene, especially if he's the manager. I felt like scenes happened independent of the story to put conflict in the story rather than seamlessly flowing into one another. They felt like isolated incidents that happened randomly than feeling like there was natural build-up to those scenes. I don't know if this is making sense, but it also felt weird that it felt like MC worked at the café alone when she had other people working alongside her.
Also, at least in America, employees want the customers to leave after they're done their food. Of course, that's dependent on culture and establishment. Yet, it could have made for more interesting conflict if the MC didn't like Airi's continuous presence or if the manager didn't either. Food for thought there (pun intended).
Finally, sorry for making a harsh review here. It's meant to be constructive, not destructive. My biggest issue with this visual novel was the slow pacing and boring filler moments. However, I've seen this in other hit visual novels like Our Life: Beginning and Always, Arcade Spirits, and other indie visual novel titles.
As someone who writes short stories for my own visual novels, reads indie visual novels, and provides feedback in the Ren'Py subreddit, even, I've come to realize that people may prioritize art over storytelling in this sphere.
It's not so much about good writing versus bad writing or perfect grammar versus horrible grammar. It's just that I'll find myself forcing myself to read through a pretty-looking but boring-to-read visual novel half the time. This is because I find there is a lack of conflict in the story. Thus, I'm waiting for things to happen, or it makes for an underwhelming experience. Luckily, you don't overly describe the setting with descriptive text, as I've seen other visual novels do. Instead, I felt like I read through filler dialogue or dialogue that bored me. Maybe that's a personal nitpick of mine, and you can completely disregard that.
However, for as much dialogue as there was, I felt I only knew the characters on a surface-level. I wasn't sure what to think of the main character and didn't have a solid grasp of who he or she was, even. I felt scenes switched between locations because they had to, not because I was living through the character and following along with their thought processes, fears, or desires. The "what" of a novel is the plot and events of a novel. The "who" of a novel is the story and person of a novel. It's the "why" behind the actions of the main character that drives the story forward and gives meaning to the events that take place.
If a story is a character desiring something and wanting to obtain a goal but something is getting in their way, then I'm not quite sure what the protagonist of this story truly wanted. Sure, Airi presented himself to the MC, but even if that character didn't make their presence overtly known, then I don't know what the MC would have truly wanted or why the MC was intrigued with Airi to begin with. Thus, it begs what the story is behind this visual novel.
Additionally, I work in customer service too and see and talk with regulars all the time. That doesn't mean I want to hang out with them, let alone with my coworkers.
All in all, I understand the story externally but not internally, and maybe it would have flowed better or be better understood if both the external events of the story and the internal desires and fears of the main character were taken into account when planning and writing out the story.
Ultimately, I give this visual novel a 7.5/10. Love the art and the colors. Could work on story, grammar, and dialogue. Good job!
I'm glad you liked the game even just that 7.5. outside of this being a game jam it was also my first ever fully published game and game of this genre, I'm more so a lineal writer then a branching one but I'm trying my best to fix that. I don't want to make you feel bad about pointing out my typos, but I need to mention it in my main page any way, I suffer from dyslexia and have a hard time with spelling and punctuation as I am typing now, I'm using an aid. I wasn't able to use my standard typing aid on the ren'py software.
I'll keep all you have said in mind for my next games, thank you so much for eve playing.
I was not aware of that. I also wasn't sure if this was a style of writing that I was reading. I hope I didn't come across arrogant or hypocritical in my essay of a rant. That's why I mentioned other examples of playing and reading through other visual novels and my own experience with game development. Even when I type up visual novels, I can end up with typos, and my work can range from boring to angsty and dramatic story-wise, which I'm astutely aware of. Plus, my art is bad, and I've been told it's crude. I've even criticized my own visual novels in the comments of my games. So, I am a critic all around.
I also realize I write my visual novels differently than others. People write theirs like books or with streams of consciousnesses. I also tend to write by the seat of my pants, and there's no one way to write a piece of fiction. I just write mine like a movie script where they are more dialogue-driven and fast-paced in the sense that there is always some sort of conflict in every scene whereas other authors can be more light in that regard due to the slice-of-life nature of the genre they're writing in, which there's nothing wrong with that either.
Although, if you poke around YouTube or Google, you'll find authors say that the driving force of any story is conflict, and without it, it can feel like a random series of events. At its core, a character having a goal plus an obstacle in the way of said character's goals is what equates to a plot. My works just happen to be more character-driven.
Otherwise, I know what it's like to be given feedback on a piece of art, whether written or drawn, and it can hurt. So, I didn't want to shoot down your ego. However, I wanted to be truthful while giving advice along the way, even if it was unsolicited. Plus, I didn't know if I was being too harsh for a prototype. I've also done and participated in many game jams, too, where I rushed for the deadline. So, I know the feeling.
Ultimately, at the end of the day, you got something out there, submitted your VN into a game jam, finished a story from beginning to middle to end, and you can always update the VN later if you so choose. That's still a win, and I'm just giving you my take as someone who appreciates the genre. You can write your visual novels however you want. That's the joy, power, and freedom of creativity. I just didn't want my critical feedback to discourage you from continuing your journey of game development, is all.
don’t worry, I’ve gotten plenty of critiques in my life as a author. My skill is more so in the art department anyway, I’d love to do art for somebody else’s story, but the opportunity has not come up yet so I’m just doing it on my own
I highly appreciate people who take time out of their day to tell me where I can improve so I highly appreciate your comments and will be continuing making games with it in mind.
Cool! I’ve also collaborated with two of my artsy friends for two of my visual novels so far. So, I’m always down for collaborating, too, if you’re interested.
I actually really like your art. It’s cute and colorful. My only critique is that it sometimes looks flat in some places, but I think that was the point, and my art is flatter, anyway. 😅
Otherwise, I’m pretty flexible. They gave me art, and I would just build a story around said art. Examples include When Winter Comes and Vibrant Love on my page.
I mainly write coming-of-age dramas or romances that are wholesome or angsty, but I’ve dabbled in writing in the fantasy and horror genres before. Examples include The Power of Friendship and Curse on my page.
I can work with a character sprite and a background or just a character sprite. A lot of my earlier works were self-contained stories like that, especially since they were for game jams. Examples include A Night Out, Class in Session, and Beach Waves on my page.
I can also do branching paths that diverge into different plots or nuanced routes like in Mother and Love Days on my page.
I’ve successfully done 25 game jams in total, and it usually takes me on average two weeks to a month to complete a visual novel. It can take me a week or less to write a good short story.
I have Reddit, FB, Snapchat, YouTube, email, and this account if you’re interested in collaborating with me further.
I'd love to collaborate! I normally do themed dating sims or stuff like strawberry darling, currently I have beyond the stars [zodiac theme], Yoshi [place holder name but it's a Tamagotchi creepypasta/yandere game], chocolate mafia [place holder name again, theme is clear there], and a few others I'd like to do but they all are ether dating sims or yandere games.
the only places we could really talk this over I have is discord, Instagram, and email