fic: That's a Good Look on You

That's a Good Look on You
Flight of the Conchords. Bret & Jemaine, PG, 2,100 words.
Notes: Written for misspamela in the 2008 Yuletide fic exchange.
A story about jealousy, new friends, and tight trousers.

"Okay, band meeting," Murray said. "Jemaine?"

"Present."

"Bret?"

"Here."

"Bret?"

Bret frowned. "I'm here. I said it already."

"Oh." Murray marked it down in the notepad. "Well, speak up next time. Goodness, how do you expect anyone to hear you when you're mumbling under your breath all the time? And Murray. Present."

"You do have a tendency to mumble, Bret," Jemaine said.

"I do not," Bret mumbled.

"All right, item one: style," Murry announced. He looked between Bret and Jemaine. "Image," he said clearly. "Now, after watching some Music Television the other day, I've come to the conclusion that you two could do with an image change. A new style."

Bret crossed his arms over his chest. "I wasn't aware we had an image in the first place."

Murray pointed at him. "Exactly! I mean, how do you expect - well, just look at you. You're dressed like two starving artists, like poor street buskers, or something."

Bret and Jemaine glanced at each other. "But we kind of are," Jemaine pointed out. He patted his stomach. "We don't have any money. And we're very hungry."

Murray cleared his throat. "Anyway, it's very popular nowadays for young musicians to wear tighter trousers, and a lot of darker colors. It's considered sexy by a large number of people, too, I believe."

Jemaine looked uneasy. "How much tighter? Because, I don't - I have a family history of high blood pressure, so."

"Since when? You never mentioned that before," Bret said while Jemaine waved a hand at him, presumably to quiet him.

"I know you don't have a family history of high blood pressure, Jemaine," Murray said. "And wearing tight pants during a performance will hardly raise your blood pressure, anyway. I don't think."

"I'm not sure I want to wear tighter trousers, either," Bret admitted after a moment.

"Oh, come on." Murray looked a little annoyed. "All you have to do is wear some tight trousers once or twice, and I guess we'll see where that gets us. How about that, hm?"

Bret shrugged. Jemaine said, "All right, I guess."

"All right," Murray agreed. He peered down at the notepad once more. "Item two: gigs. Ah, yes, a gig! I've found you two a gig. That's good news, isn't it? Exciting?"

"You really found a gig?" Bret said. He was cautiously hopeful.

"Yes, I did. It's not a paid gig, mind you, but still. It's a good chance to reach out and widen your fanbase. It's at a club-slash-bar called Passionfruit, I believe. They're holding an open mic night."

Murray slid a shiny business card across the top of the desk and Bret and Jemaine both leaned forward to look at it more closely.

"Passionfruit," Bret read, "where we're open-minded with open arms."

"Those men have on tight trousers," Jemaine pointed out helpfully. "And that looks like leather."

"And they're kissing," Bret said.

"Oh," Murray said, also leaning forward. "Well, I hadn't noticed that before."

*

The performance went very well. They only played one and a half songs and they got less applause than the woman with the spoken word poetry, but they definitely got more applause than the homeless man with the bongos. And the club manager gave out free drinks for the whole night to the people who performed, so Bret and Jemaine stuck around after.

"Bret, Jemaine," Murray said, nodding at each of them. He looked harried. "I've actually got to leave in less than a minute, but how do you think the tight trousers went? Good, or bad? Yes? No?"

"No," Jemaine said firmly at the same time Bret said, "Yes."

Jemaine looked at him. "What? No."

Bret shrugged. "I think people liked it. And, I dunno, I guess they make me feel kind of sexy."

"Right," Murray said, "well, obviously if Bret's thinks they're good, then they're good, Jemaine." He glanced down at his cellphone. "That'd be the wife again. I'll see you two later." He hurried out of the club.

"Bret," Jemaine said, "Bret, look. Those two men are making out, look."

"Oh," Bret said. "Hmm. I saw two women making out by the bathrooms when I went earlier."

Jemaine frowned. "Well, that's not fair."

"How's it not fair?" Bret looked confused.

"You get to go and see two women kissing, and then I glance about and - oh, look, two men making out. How's that fair at all?"

Bret still looked confused.

"Hey, guys," Mel said, stepping in front of them. "Oh man, that performance was definitely the best one yet. It was like, just phenomenal, you know?"

"Thanks, Mel," Bret said. Jemaine nodded, tipping his cup in her direction.

"And definitely the sexiest, too," Mel said. She was beginning to get that dazzled kind of look in her eyes, the one that said a strategic exit in the very near future would be best for everyone involved. "Without a doubt."

"Oh, hey," Bret said, "I think that guy wants to talk to me." He pointed to a man across the room who was waving in their direction. He grinned when he caught Bret's eye. "See you later, Mel," Bret said, then walked away.

"Well, this is a nice club," Mel said. "I'm really liking the atmosphere here."

Jemaine wondered if he could get away with pretending someone across the club wanted to talk to him. "It's a bit gay, isn't it?"

Mel giggled. "You've got such a unique sense of humor, Jemaine. And your pants, wow, are those new? They're really nice."

Jemaine stood a little straighter. "Thanks."

"And you know," Mel said, sidling closer, "if you wanted to blend in more, you should really do that. I mean, if you have some feelings that you're unsure about, now would totally be the time to figure some things out, to just grab a guy and - "

"Okay," Jemaine said loudly, "okay, so. I have to go home now. Thanks for coming out. To the show."

"Oh, it's no problem at all. My pleasure. Did you need a lift? 'Cause Doug's just waiting outside."

"I'm good," Jemaine said, backing towards the exit. "See you."

Mel waved, and Jemaine hurried out the door.

*

"So," Jemaine said, "did you have fun last night? After you abandoned me?"

Bret looked up from his stale sandwich. "I didn't abandon you."

"Yes, you did." Jemaine took a bite of his apple.

"If anyone got abandoned last night it was me. I mean, I looked up and you were just gone."

"Only after you abandoned me first," Jemaine said darkly.

"Anyway, you should be happy because we've got a new fan. The guy I was talking to last night? His name's Dan. He's pretty cool."

"Dan," Jemaine repeated. "Right. Is he gay?"

"Does it matter?" Bret asked.

"You tell me, " Jemaine mutters.

"He said our music is interesting." Bret shrugged. "And he knows how to do that thing - that thing where you drink alcohol, then spit fire. He's pretty cool."

"You said that already," Jemaine said.

"So?" Bret took another bite of his sandwich. "We're gonna go bowling later."

"Bowling?" Jemaine frowned. "I thought we were going to Dave's party tonight, though. You were going to be my wingman again, remember?"

"Ooh," Bret said, eyes squinting as he thought. "Well, Dave's always throwing parties. I'll just catch the next one with you, yeah?"

Jemaine set his apple down. "All right."

*

Jemaine didn't much like Dan. He didn't remember many details from the one glance he'd gotten of him from that night at the club, but he was pretty sure he remembered Dan having something of a dodgy air about him. Jemaine hoped Bret took care of himself around the guy.

He also didn't like Dan because Bret ditched band practice just to go hang out with him.

Well, truthfully, Jemaine only announced that they were having band practice after Bret said he was going to hang with Dan again, so it's not like Bret purposefully ditched it, but still. He should've canceled with Dan to do practice, no matter that he'd been previously engaged.

Jemaine wrote a song by himself that night titled "The Big Bastard, Dastardly Dan".

*

Bret brought Dan around their apartment for the first time four days later, after a high number of occasions out together for such a short space of time. Dan wore even tighter pants than the ones Bret and Jemaine wore at Passionfruit, and he had hair that hung in his eyes, and he smiled too much.

"Jemaine," Bret said, "this is Dan. Dan, meet Jemaine."

"Hi," Dan said, smiling.

"'lo," Jemaine muttered.

"I'm just gonna grab a sweater, then me and Dan are going to head out to the bowling alley." Bret went into their bedroom.

"What's with all the bowling?" Jemaine asked.

"I work at the alley down the street from Passionfruit," Dan said, smiling some more. "So we usually get to do some lanes for free. Also, I love bowling. It's kind of my passion."

"I see," Jemaine said. "You and Bret are fast friends, huh?"

"Oh, yes. He's just so cute," Dan says, glancing in the direction of the bedroom. "Isn't he?"

"Er," Jemaine said.

Dan laughed. "And have you ever noticed the way he mumbles a lot? Like he's really shy? It's adorable."

"Oh, that," Jemaine said. "He just mumbles all the time because he has a speech impediment. He doesn't want people to hear his speech impediment."

Dan looked surprised. "Oh?"

Jemaine nodded. "Yep. And he kicks puppies. In his spare time."

"Jemaine, have you seen my sweater with the dog on it? I can't find it. Ah well, I'll just wear this one instead." Bret pulled a red sweater over his head, then headed towards the door. "I'll see you when I get back."

"Excuse me, Bret?" Jemaine said. "Can I talk to you for a moment? In private."

"Oh, sure." Bret walked back towards him quickly. "What's up?"

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Jemaine said, making sure his voice was as low as possible. "Are you sure he's not taking advantage of you, or whatever?"

"What?" Bret said. "Wait, what?"

Jemaine glanced over Bret's shoulder at where Dan was hovering by the door. He lowered his voice a bit more. "It's just, I heard a warning on the news yesterday about a sexual predator named Dan. You should just be careful, if you know what I'm saying."

Bret looked weirded out, but he nodded. "Okay, then. See you later."

They both left. Jemaine pretended not to notice the strange look Dan gave him over his shoulder.

*

Jemaine may or may not have found a ten dollar bill in the bathroom stall in the pawn shop where Dave worked, and he may or may not pick up a copy of a women's magazine while he was in line at the grocery store buying a loaf of bread and purchase it on an impulse just because it may or may not have had an article advertised on the cover that went How to Keep Your Man Interested.

No one can prove it.

But Jemaine did, in fact, pose on Bret's bed in a tanktop and the smallest pair of underwear he owned, leg cocked up and his head propped up by his hand. He kept the pose until Bret got back home - from another outing with Dan, actually - and greeted him in the most seductive manner he could manage.

"Hello, Bret," Jemaine said.

"Hey," Bret said. When he finally looked at Jemaine on his bed he stopped in his tracks. "You're on my bed."

"I am," Jemaine said.

"Why is that?"

"Come over here and find out," Jemaine said.

"I'd rather not," Bret said, frowning. "This is a bit weird."

Jemaine also frowned. "It is, isn't it?" He sat up on the bed.

"But, really, is there a reason you on my bed that way?"

"I was trying to keep our relationship sexy," Jemaine admitted. "I was trying to keep you interested. You're always out with Dan nowadays, so." He shrugged.

"Oh." Bret scratched the top of his head. "Then it's a good thing you don't have to worry about that anymore, I guess."

"What do you mean?" Jemaine asked. He wished for his pants, and settled for pulling Bret's sheets over his legs.

Bret shoves his hands in his pockets. "Dan made a move on me. Tried to kiss me."

"Did he," Jemaine said flatly.

"Yeah. I turned him down, but then it was just really awkward after that so we agreed to not hang out anymore."

Jemaine blamed the curiously light feeling in his stomach and chest on not having eaten lunch. "Is that so? No more bowling trysts at midnight?"

"Nah. I didn't even like all the bowling, actually. And he smiled too much. It was weird."

"Yeah." Jemaine nodded. "So you're not doing anything tonight? Wanna work on some new songs, maybe?"

Bret smiled. "Yeah, that'd be cool."

Jemaine smiled back.

"Jemaine?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think you could get off my bed now?"

"Oh, right. Sure."