BtVS/AtS - To Have and Not to Hold (1/1) - Cordy/Xander
Title: To Have and Not to Hold
Author:
_fullofgrace
Rating: PG
Timeline: BtVS (post season 7); AtS (season 5; "You're Welcome")
Word Count: 1664
Summary: No matter what, she would come to him.
Cordelia sat in the computer chair, her body molded to the soft cushions as she twirled slightly back and forth. She studied him as her chair rhythmically squeaked with each half turn she took. He laid on his side, his back to her, and as she watched the sheets move with every deep breath he took, she wondered if he knew she was here tonight.
Sometimes he did. Sometimes he didn’t.
But either way, she came.
Sometimes she wondered why she came to him. Why after all their bad history, all their fighting and bickering. Why after one of the most heart-wrenching breakups she’d ever experienced in her life, she found herself sitting here with him night after night.
And then she remembered her coma. Remembered watching all these lives unfolding before her eyes in digitally-enhanced surround sound. She’d seen everything in LA. Had watched as Angel, Wesley, and the others had continued on without her. Had watched them take up residence at Evil Incorporated of all places. Had watched as they tried to keep fighting the good fight even as they slipped more and more into their Wolfram and Hart personas.
She’d also seen things in Sunnydale. She’d seen the apocalypse brewing underneath their feet even before they had had the slightest clue. She’d seen so many new faces enter the picture-- had had the gaps in their stories filled in by the Powers. She’d seen all her friends--former friends anyway-- stepping off that school bus to look out over the giant gaping crater that had once been Sunnydale.
Buffy. Willow. Xander. All alive and all together. The impenetrable trio. Just like she had always remembered.
Or so she had thought.
Much to her surprise, the unbreakable trio did just that after Sunnydale faded into nothingness. Buffy and most of her remaining ragtag followers went to Rome to rebuild the Watcher’s Council from scratch. Willow and her new flame traveled a bit around Europe in between helping Buffy gather the newest Slayers.
And Xander had done the same-- most recently settling down in Africa as part of a retrieval mission.
Of all the Sunnydale gang, her heart had went out most to him as she had watched what his life had been like post-graduation. She’d always assumed she’d had it roughest of the bunch, and in all honesty, she had. But something about seeing his life laid out for her piece by piece made her feel pity for him. The kind of pity that she had once only reserved for herself when no one was watching.
After graduation, his life had looked up for a while-- nice job, nice girl. Then he had lost the girl (by his own idiotic doing). Then he had lost a piece of himself trying to be the hero like he always had a tendency to do. Then he had lost the only city he had ever called home.
He’d lost as much as she had in the past four years.
Kindred spirits in loss and pain at a young age.
Which was why she came to him.
Angel had Wesley, Gunn, and Fred. Buffy had Giles and the Slayerettes. Willow had her new little girlfriend.
Xander had himself.
So she came to him.
Cordelia watched the roll of his shoulder blades as he shifted slightly under the sheets. He groaned quietly before taking a deep breath, Cordelia noting the rise and fall of the sheets again. There was a moment of silence before his voice finally broke through her reverie.
“You’re there,” he mumbled under his breath, his back still to her.
A soft smile formed on Cordelia’s lips. “How’d you guess?” she asked as she stopped her half-turns in her seat.
Xander chuckled under his breath before rolling towards her. He sighed deeply as he laid on his stomach, his arms folded under his pillow as he laid his head down again. “Because I’ve been hearing that squeak-squeak sound for the past thirty minutes. For a second there, I thought I was dreaming about mice.”
“Sorry,” she laughed. “I got restless.”
A comfortable silence fell between them where they simply smiled at each other.
When Cordelia finally spoke, her smile fell a bit. “No nightmare tonight, I take it?”
Xander shook his head against his pillow, and Cordelia watched as a few strands of unruly black hair fell across his face, across the patch over his left eye.
When she had first started to make these visits, he had been having night terrors. She would watch as he twisted underneath his covers in a cold sweat, groaning and muttering under his breath. On occasion she caught names, phrases. For the most part, she could always make out a single name. In fact, she had started to expect to hear it each night she watched him fight his inner demons.
The name of the girl he had lost.
Anya.
It was during one of these nights when she had learned the rules of the game the Powers that Be were letting her play.
She had gone to him, unable to watch him struggle like that. Had moved to wake him, comfort him. But as soon as her hand had made contact with his cool skin, she’d seen nothing but a flash of light before finding herself back on that damn higher plane.
No touch allowed.
She could talk to him. She could watch him. She could feel his presence, but she couldn’t touch.
Touching meant the Powers would gladly take away her privileges. Touching meant that her visit for the night would be cut short. Touching meant that she wouldn’t be able to make another visit for at least a week if the Powers were feeling giving at that moment.
She could never be sure that they would even allow her back if she broke the rule again.
So they didn’t touch.
And there had been so many times she had wanted to touch him. To hold his hand. To give him a hug.
But they both knew that she couldn’t; that he couldn’t. And it pained her more with each of these visits.
“I’m glad you’re here.” He spoke quietly, his eyelid fluttering somewhere between consciousness and sleep.
“So am I.”
“And I thought I’d never be graced with your presence again after high school,” he yawned with a laugh.
“You’re lucky then,” she smiled sadly.
His eyelid fluttered open and he stared at her for a moment as if seeing her for the first time. “You know, all these nights, and you’ve never told me how.”
Cordelia blinked, confused. “Told you how what?”
“How you--” He hesitated before finding the words. “How you died.”
“Oh, that,” she answered casually. “Mystical coma.” She frowned slightly, pushing her hair behind her ear. “Never woke up.”
He returned her frown. “I’m sorry,” he finally said.
“Why? You didn’t cause my little vacation to Coma Land.”
“I’m sorry that you’re here.” He swallowed hard. “Like this.”
Cordelia smiled, feeling the burning sensation beginning at the corners of her eyes. “So am I.” She laughed quietly, trying her best to will away the tears she knew would come before the end of the night. “But on the bright side? You get your own personal haunting every night.”
“Yay me,” he laughed into his pillow.
“Yay you,” she replied under her breath, smiling sadly as she watched him.
“You’ll get tired of visiting me soon, I can promise you that.”
“Nah, you’re stuck with me, mister.”
“And somehow that doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.”
“No,” she said with a gentle shake of her head. “It doesn’t.”
“Have I told you how glad I am you’re here?” he yawned.
“You have actually,” she laughed. “But never let it be said that a girl can’t hear that enough.”
Xander smiled at her as his eyelid finally dropped. He took a few deep breaths, Cordelia studying him as she always did. The silence took over the room again as he started to drift away.
Cordelia sat quietly, making note not to turn in her chair, as she cursed the Powers under her breath. Why couldn’t she touch him? Why couldn’t she just feel him, give him that hug she’d been dying to give him for the past few months? Why couldn’t she just have one single real moment with him?
Cordelia’s angry thoughts were soon broken by a stirring from Xander.
“I miss you, Cordy,” he mumbled at her, his eye still closed.
She stared at him for a moment, a tight ball forming in the pit of her stomach. The tears she had been fighting all night finally crept from her eyes, trailing down her face in warm streaks. She smiled ruefully, swallowing hard to steady her voice.
“I miss you too, Xander.”
She watched a wisp of a smile cross his face before disappearing as he finally fell into the sleep she had awaken him from. She watched him for a moment longer, hastily wiping at her eyes, before pulling herself from her seat with a heavy sigh.
She just didn’t care anymore. Let the Powers restrict her privileges, but she refused to sit here like this anymore. She refused to be here with him and at the same time be so far away. She just refused.
They could try to ban her from ever returning, but she’d find a way if it was the last thing she did. She had promised him that he was stuck with her, and she wasn’t one to go back on a promise. And especially not one like this.
No matter what, she would come to him.
Cordelia took a deep breath as she made her way across the floor to his bed. She sniffled once and knelt by his bedside, her face just inches from his.
“Night Xander,” she whispered before leaning in and pressing her lips against his.
And in the moment she felt him kiss her back, she flashed to white.
Author:
_fullofgraceRating: PG
Timeline: BtVS (post season 7); AtS (season 5; "You're Welcome")
Word Count: 1664
Summary: No matter what, she would come to him.
Cordelia sat in the computer chair, her body molded to the soft cushions as she twirled slightly back and forth. She studied him as her chair rhythmically squeaked with each half turn she took. He laid on his side, his back to her, and as she watched the sheets move with every deep breath he took, she wondered if he knew she was here tonight.
Sometimes he did. Sometimes he didn’t.
But either way, she came.
Sometimes she wondered why she came to him. Why after all their bad history, all their fighting and bickering. Why after one of the most heart-wrenching breakups she’d ever experienced in her life, she found herself sitting here with him night after night.
And then she remembered her coma. Remembered watching all these lives unfolding before her eyes in digitally-enhanced surround sound. She’d seen everything in LA. Had watched as Angel, Wesley, and the others had continued on without her. Had watched them take up residence at Evil Incorporated of all places. Had watched as they tried to keep fighting the good fight even as they slipped more and more into their Wolfram and Hart personas.
She’d also seen things in Sunnydale. She’d seen the apocalypse brewing underneath their feet even before they had had the slightest clue. She’d seen so many new faces enter the picture-- had had the gaps in their stories filled in by the Powers. She’d seen all her friends--former friends anyway-- stepping off that school bus to look out over the giant gaping crater that had once been Sunnydale.
Buffy. Willow. Xander. All alive and all together. The impenetrable trio. Just like she had always remembered.
Or so she had thought.
Much to her surprise, the unbreakable trio did just that after Sunnydale faded into nothingness. Buffy and most of her remaining ragtag followers went to Rome to rebuild the Watcher’s Council from scratch. Willow and her new flame traveled a bit around Europe in between helping Buffy gather the newest Slayers.
And Xander had done the same-- most recently settling down in Africa as part of a retrieval mission.
Of all the Sunnydale gang, her heart had went out most to him as she had watched what his life had been like post-graduation. She’d always assumed she’d had it roughest of the bunch, and in all honesty, she had. But something about seeing his life laid out for her piece by piece made her feel pity for him. The kind of pity that she had once only reserved for herself when no one was watching.
After graduation, his life had looked up for a while-- nice job, nice girl. Then he had lost the girl (by his own idiotic doing). Then he had lost a piece of himself trying to be the hero like he always had a tendency to do. Then he had lost the only city he had ever called home.
He’d lost as much as she had in the past four years.
Kindred spirits in loss and pain at a young age.
Which was why she came to him.
Angel had Wesley, Gunn, and Fred. Buffy had Giles and the Slayerettes. Willow had her new little girlfriend.
Xander had himself.
So she came to him.
Cordelia watched the roll of his shoulder blades as he shifted slightly under the sheets. He groaned quietly before taking a deep breath, Cordelia noting the rise and fall of the sheets again. There was a moment of silence before his voice finally broke through her reverie.
“You’re there,” he mumbled under his breath, his back still to her.
A soft smile formed on Cordelia’s lips. “How’d you guess?” she asked as she stopped her half-turns in her seat.
Xander chuckled under his breath before rolling towards her. He sighed deeply as he laid on his stomach, his arms folded under his pillow as he laid his head down again. “Because I’ve been hearing that squeak-squeak sound for the past thirty minutes. For a second there, I thought I was dreaming about mice.”
“Sorry,” she laughed. “I got restless.”
A comfortable silence fell between them where they simply smiled at each other.
When Cordelia finally spoke, her smile fell a bit. “No nightmare tonight, I take it?”
Xander shook his head against his pillow, and Cordelia watched as a few strands of unruly black hair fell across his face, across the patch over his left eye.
When she had first started to make these visits, he had been having night terrors. She would watch as he twisted underneath his covers in a cold sweat, groaning and muttering under his breath. On occasion she caught names, phrases. For the most part, she could always make out a single name. In fact, she had started to expect to hear it each night she watched him fight his inner demons.
The name of the girl he had lost.
Anya.
It was during one of these nights when she had learned the rules of the game the Powers that Be were letting her play.
She had gone to him, unable to watch him struggle like that. Had moved to wake him, comfort him. But as soon as her hand had made contact with his cool skin, she’d seen nothing but a flash of light before finding herself back on that damn higher plane.
No touch allowed.
She could talk to him. She could watch him. She could feel his presence, but she couldn’t touch.
Touching meant the Powers would gladly take away her privileges. Touching meant that her visit for the night would be cut short. Touching meant that she wouldn’t be able to make another visit for at least a week if the Powers were feeling giving at that moment.
She could never be sure that they would even allow her back if she broke the rule again.
So they didn’t touch.
And there had been so many times she had wanted to touch him. To hold his hand. To give him a hug.
But they both knew that she couldn’t; that he couldn’t. And it pained her more with each of these visits.
“I’m glad you’re here.” He spoke quietly, his eyelid fluttering somewhere between consciousness and sleep.
“So am I.”
“And I thought I’d never be graced with your presence again after high school,” he yawned with a laugh.
“You’re lucky then,” she smiled sadly.
His eyelid fluttered open and he stared at her for a moment as if seeing her for the first time. “You know, all these nights, and you’ve never told me how.”
Cordelia blinked, confused. “Told you how what?”
“How you--” He hesitated before finding the words. “How you died.”
“Oh, that,” she answered casually. “Mystical coma.” She frowned slightly, pushing her hair behind her ear. “Never woke up.”
He returned her frown. “I’m sorry,” he finally said.
“Why? You didn’t cause my little vacation to Coma Land.”
“I’m sorry that you’re here.” He swallowed hard. “Like this.”
Cordelia smiled, feeling the burning sensation beginning at the corners of her eyes. “So am I.” She laughed quietly, trying her best to will away the tears she knew would come before the end of the night. “But on the bright side? You get your own personal haunting every night.”
“Yay me,” he laughed into his pillow.
“Yay you,” she replied under her breath, smiling sadly as she watched him.
“You’ll get tired of visiting me soon, I can promise you that.”
“Nah, you’re stuck with me, mister.”
“And somehow that doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.”
“No,” she said with a gentle shake of her head. “It doesn’t.”
“Have I told you how glad I am you’re here?” he yawned.
“You have actually,” she laughed. “But never let it be said that a girl can’t hear that enough.”
Xander smiled at her as his eyelid finally dropped. He took a few deep breaths, Cordelia studying him as she always did. The silence took over the room again as he started to drift away.
Cordelia sat quietly, making note not to turn in her chair, as she cursed the Powers under her breath. Why couldn’t she touch him? Why couldn’t she just feel him, give him that hug she’d been dying to give him for the past few months? Why couldn’t she just have one single real moment with him?
Cordelia’s angry thoughts were soon broken by a stirring from Xander.
“I miss you, Cordy,” he mumbled at her, his eye still closed.
She stared at him for a moment, a tight ball forming in the pit of her stomach. The tears she had been fighting all night finally crept from her eyes, trailing down her face in warm streaks. She smiled ruefully, swallowing hard to steady her voice.
“I miss you too, Xander.”
She watched a wisp of a smile cross his face before disappearing as he finally fell into the sleep she had awaken him from. She watched him for a moment longer, hastily wiping at her eyes, before pulling herself from her seat with a heavy sigh.
She just didn’t care anymore. Let the Powers restrict her privileges, but she refused to sit here like this anymore. She refused to be here with him and at the same time be so far away. She just refused.
They could try to ban her from ever returning, but she’d find a way if it was the last thing she did. She had promised him that he was stuck with her, and she wasn’t one to go back on a promise. And especially not one like this.
No matter what, she would come to him.
Cordelia took a deep breath as she made her way across the floor to his bed. She sniffled once and knelt by his bedside, her face just inches from his.
“Night Xander,” she whispered before leaning in and pressing her lips against his.
And in the moment she felt him kiss her back, she flashed to white.