The question of the day, perhaps of the year mayhap even the century:  Am I worthy?

Worthy of whtat I don't know. 

Am I worthy of love?  Of respect?  What about happiness, don't I deserve that as well?

What do women want?  Certainly a classic question, or perhaps more accurately, the conundrum of the millenia.  I've asked so many women that; what are you looking for in a partner?  The overwhelming majority say they want a partner who will support their goals, someone to help them achieve those goals.  Someone who encourages them to maintain friendships with exes, to develop new friendships independent of the relationship, someone who doesn't stifle them socially.   Someone smart and funny who can still be serious.   Someone considerate and devoted to them.  Someone who doesn't cheat and doesn't lie.  Someone who shares their interests but also has their own.

So here is another question.  Why is it that when they have that person so many women throw them away? 

Why was I thrown away?   Wasn't I good enough, supportive enough...just enough you know.   I welcomed all her friends, her exes, her flirtations into our home, into my life.  I encouraged her to develop and maintain new friendships.  I moved to Mobile because she wanted to take care of her mom and go back to school.  I helped take care of her mom.   I bought textbooks, school supplies and new computers because she needed them for school even when I didn't really have the money.   I held dinner when she had to work late and had early lunches when she had to go in to work in the early evenings.   I got up in the wee hours of the morning to drive her to the airport even when I knew she was meeting with the other woman.

She says nothing happened between them until New Orleans but she went to New Orleans in late April / early May and she started that stupid All About Us book April 9th, a mere 6 days from our 3rd anniversary.  She hadn't gone to New Orleans yet.

I want to believe her but I have a hard time doing so.

I want to have a relationship with a  woman who appreciates all those qualities that I possess and women say they want.   I want something, someone I can't have.  I want my heart back.   I want to trust my feelings, my instincts again.   I want to trust and be trusted.  I want intelligent conversations and mindless rambling wandering ones.   I want to laugh and cry,  I want to explore someone new till they're not so new anymore and then discover alltogether new things about them.  I want celebrations and sorrows.  Heat and passion.  I want life, a life filled with love and devotion for one person.

Will I ever get that?  Am I even worthy.

Am I a total masochist for welcoming H's new girlfriend (and I use the term girl loosely) into the house this past Thanksgiving weekend, even going so far as to make breakfast for her Sunday morning. 

I want H to be happy and she wants S and even though I don't understand why she would want to be with someone who openly states that she will not consider moving in order for H to achieve her educational and proffessional goals.  Who will financially support a child but wants nothing to do with the actual day to day physical care of one. Who says that is something that she, H, will have to do entirely on her own.   Who has a history of cheating on their gf, who from the moment H and I started our relationship constantly tried to undermine it .  Why would she want someone like that?  What does S offer her that I didn't, I don't?  

But what do I know?

Apparently nothing, except that the heart wants what it wants, regardless of logic, regardless of everything.

Maybe oneday someone will want me like that.