the conference
I've spent the last two nights sleeping with the sliding door in my bedroom wide open. It's been cool and rainy and windy and i can lie in the dark listening to the rain splash against the screenporch and the palm trees whisper. As much as I love airconditioning in the summer here, i love even more the fall and winter when it's cool enough to turn the air off and leave the doors open all day and when i can do all my work on the green shaded expanse of my porch. or patio, i think they call it here.
today i spent this morning presenting at a conference on interdisciplinarity and the environment. i had to get up at the crack of dawn and race out of the house, which i hate doing, but the presentation went well and it was good to see people. i'm still fighting lonliness here, but it's getting better. i'm trying to make an effort to reach out to new people, one at a time. it's hard for me to be social- one large looming side of my personality is so introverted and quiet- but i need people to feel connected, to feel that the place i'm living in is indeed home, at least for a little while. so- i'm trying.
but i'm also trying to walk the line between overwhelming either side of my personality- the side that needs people and activity or the side that needs to be quiet and alone. much of my strength is found in my alone time and i need to honor that by making sure i get enough of that alone time or else i get drained and scattered. so today i went to the conference, presented, saw people and then, when i got too tired from all the interaction, i left and came home and sat on the porch and read a clockwork orange. the quiet was very comforting after all the noise of the conference.
now i'm sitting here writing this, eating a box of raspberries i bought myself as a treat, and thinking about how my counselor always talks about me needing to learn how to take care of me. which is what i feel like i'm doing this semester- it's not an easy process or without pain, but i'm learning what i need, in approximately what amounts and how to get it for myself. and the conference was good because it reminded me that there are people who take my work seriously, that it can be taken seriously, and that i have a purpose to being here and going through all this. my lonliness, which is kind of self imposed and existential in nature, is worst when i let myself become disconnected from my work or try too hard to live a life which isn't mine. My life is quiet, in a lot of ways, but it can be good. i just have to trust that.
today i spent this morning presenting at a conference on interdisciplinarity and the environment. i had to get up at the crack of dawn and race out of the house, which i hate doing, but the presentation went well and it was good to see people. i'm still fighting lonliness here, but it's getting better. i'm trying to make an effort to reach out to new people, one at a time. it's hard for me to be social- one large looming side of my personality is so introverted and quiet- but i need people to feel connected, to feel that the place i'm living in is indeed home, at least for a little while. so- i'm trying.
but i'm also trying to walk the line between overwhelming either side of my personality- the side that needs people and activity or the side that needs to be quiet and alone. much of my strength is found in my alone time and i need to honor that by making sure i get enough of that alone time or else i get drained and scattered. so today i went to the conference, presented, saw people and then, when i got too tired from all the interaction, i left and came home and sat on the porch and read a clockwork orange. the quiet was very comforting after all the noise of the conference.
now i'm sitting here writing this, eating a box of raspberries i bought myself as a treat, and thinking about how my counselor always talks about me needing to learn how to take care of me. which is what i feel like i'm doing this semester- it's not an easy process or without pain, but i'm learning what i need, in approximately what amounts and how to get it for myself. and the conference was good because it reminded me that there are people who take my work seriously, that it can be taken seriously, and that i have a purpose to being here and going through all this. my lonliness, which is kind of self imposed and existential in nature, is worst when i let myself become disconnected from my work or try too hard to live a life which isn't mine. My life is quiet, in a lot of ways, but it can be good. i just have to trust that.