there's more?
i'm getting worse and worse with my reactions towards people and basing everything i know on trivialities and selfishness things. my times for hanging out with people other than the regular three is getting more and more sparse, but it's my own fault. i complain about loneliness but id rather be by myself than in a room with thirty people. the only time im okay around more than maybe eight is if i've been drinking. it's going backwards, more inward. and it's kind of going back to how i used to be, back in the day of the long haired greasy kid.
my problem.... i dont know, i have better friendships with people i hardly know. can carry on a conversation better in a chat window than with a person. my head is always in two places at once if you tried to talk to me. im playing games or writing songs or working, almost never dividing my whole attention to it. and that's where my shyness with expressing feelings come in. you know i care about you but i can never figure out how to tell you how much. that sentence applies to all of my friends. from kent to kat to ean and victoria. never makes any sense to me how to tell someone that without them around things would be alot less interesting and dull.
but the part that i hate the most.. more than anything, more than holding back on telling people i adore them or that i think they're neat is telling someone when i have a problem with them. and i never really realized how bad it was until i moved here. it took me a year and an exact date of when i had to move out by to start flipping them off. yelling at them, telling them to clean their act up, get out of their fat circle of love because they're in shit deeper than anyone else i know. if i were these two, marriage would be preceeded by the words "common law". because if people like these can get married and successfully run a household with children (i cringe at the thought) and a dog, then i need to lower my standards on life and love. that, my friends, is the bottom rung on the pole of life. i might get bruised knees on the way up (ha ha), and i might not have felt or landed where i should, but at least i know it.
maybe it's a good thing that i've lived here as long as i have. there's an appreciation for the better things in life, the perogy dinners, the friends living on their own, the constant barrage of a clean kitchen with food in it. an appreciation for having a savings account. maybe i'm getting old and realizing that i finally have responsibilities. maybe i'm realizing that i can get back on the right track. maybe it's because if i get straightened out, i can finally be where i want to be. where my head aspires to be at this very moment. i know where i want to be. working on it, though is going to be a bit more difficult.
i wonder why it's taken this long to open up to my own journal like this.
my problem.... i dont know, i have better friendships with people i hardly know. can carry on a conversation better in a chat window than with a person. my head is always in two places at once if you tried to talk to me. im playing games or writing songs or working, almost never dividing my whole attention to it. and that's where my shyness with expressing feelings come in. you know i care about you but i can never figure out how to tell you how much. that sentence applies to all of my friends. from kent to kat to ean and victoria. never makes any sense to me how to tell someone that without them around things would be alot less interesting and dull.
but the part that i hate the most.. more than anything, more than holding back on telling people i adore them or that i think they're neat is telling someone when i have a problem with them. and i never really realized how bad it was until i moved here. it took me a year and an exact date of when i had to move out by to start flipping them off. yelling at them, telling them to clean their act up, get out of their fat circle of love because they're in shit deeper than anyone else i know. if i were these two, marriage would be preceeded by the words "common law". because if people like these can get married and successfully run a household with children (i cringe at the thought) and a dog, then i need to lower my standards on life and love. that, my friends, is the bottom rung on the pole of life. i might get bruised knees on the way up (ha ha), and i might not have felt or landed where i should, but at least i know it.
maybe it's a good thing that i've lived here as long as i have. there's an appreciation for the better things in life, the perogy dinners, the friends living on their own, the constant barrage of a clean kitchen with food in it. an appreciation for having a savings account. maybe i'm getting old and realizing that i finally have responsibilities. maybe i'm realizing that i can get back on the right track. maybe it's because if i get straightened out, i can finally be where i want to be. where my head aspires to be at this very moment. i know where i want to be. working on it, though is going to be a bit more difficult.
i wonder why it's taken this long to open up to my own journal like this.